


Old Wounds

by trashfan2003



Series: Stars Directing our Fate [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Poe Dameron, Dubious Morality, F/M, Family Loss, Fluff, Force Sensitivity, Injured Kylo Ren, Light Angst, Loss of Control, Loss of Identity, Loss of Parent(s), Memory Loss, Original Character Death(s), Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Talk of Suicide, The First Order, Torture, description of tourture, kylo ren injured, light saber training, pg13 smut, sex scene, the resistance, trigger warning: suicide attempt, watch me make up mon cala ships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2018-07-19 08:46:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 91,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7354036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashfan2003/pseuds/trashfan2003
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You find yourself in a medical ward aboard a First Order vessel, the dark enforcer Kylo Ren has taken an interest in your underdeveloped force powers. Written as a reader insert, its still a new format for me so hopefully its an enjoyable read. There is going to be a romance developed between the  reader and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo, possible smut later on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There is no emotion

A rhythmic beeping thrummed against your skull, opening your eyes you saw only a blur, the sharp antiseptic stinging your nostrils, something familiar close to you, you peered sideways, there’s machinery all around with readouts that you couldn’t quite make out, beyond it someone sat there, straining forward, your force senses were as muddled as your mind, weak and fuzzy, but it was undeniable who sat there, “Ben?” you croaked, the form gasped and you saw black as unconsciousness washed over you.

It was unknowable how long you had slept, as you floated towards consciousness your body became real again and everything ached: your midsection, leg, head, and there it was again like thorn in your mind, you thought you’d imagined it, a fever dream maybe? That presence, you hadn’t felt it since you left the academy, before the attack but you pushed those thoughts down, all of your friends had been killed by that monster, you couldn’t deal with that pain. You’d heard Ben had been killed, mourning him for months you lost much of yourself. You’d continued studying as best you could on your own but you had never gotten very far.  


Your mind wandered from the topic at hand but when you saw movement from the corner your focus snapped toward it. “B-b-ben?” you said. The figure stepped into the dim light that radiated from over your hospital bed, his imposing form seethed hate and malice as he stared down at you, light catching on the silver portions of his mask. You shrank back involuntarily, “No,” you whispered softly.  


“Finally,” the modulated voice sounded agitated. You recognized him, Kylo Ren, it was impossible not to, Jedi Killer, the monster that had killed the last of the Jedi. You whimpered softly as his hand came down to your wrist, fingering the leather bracelet there, tears fell from your eyes. “Do you know why you’re here?” rasped the metallic voice making your blood chill.  


“Yes,” you sobbed softly, “Now I know why he’s he’s here, get it over quickly,” your hands felt heavy as you raised one to wipe away a tear, you didn’t want this monster to see you crying. He seemed taken aback by your statement.  


“Your vessel has been lost, nearly all of the crew gone, we pulled you from the wreckage,” he continued, puzzlement nearly coming through the modulator. “Why do you think you’re here?”  


“Torture, death...” you trailed, “make it quick, he’s here for me. I’d much rather see him again than talk to you.” You closed your eyes, Ben had come at the hour of your death to lead you to the netherworld. You could almost feel the confusion coming from behind the mask.  


“There are others more valuable slated for torture,” he paused, “your abilities, however; are keeping you alive.,” he lowered his mask to your face, “see that you don’t make me regret sparing you.” You didn’t know how or why you had angered him but it flared, deadly, it nearly burned. He turned sharply and stormed out, the door sliding closed behind him. His words settled over you oppressively, he knew about your force abilities even if they were undeveloped.  


A sob wracked your form, suddenly you wished you had died with the others, your parents had withdrawn you from the school needing help at home, your abilities were so miniscule it was pointless for you to continue, it made more sense to leave and contribute rather than continue to waste their credits on a future you wouldn’t qualify for, with a heavy heart you left and didn’t look back. The door slid open again, a medtech entered, “We’re going to move you to a bacta tank, this will be your second immersion,” you blinked.  


“Second?” he nodded, he pressed a button and your bed lifted from its mooring, it hovered behind him as he pulled you through the door and down the long gray hallway. “Kylo Ren has commanded that no effort be spared to bring you back to health, so that you may begin training.”  


You started shaking, what could the Jedi Killer want with you? You started sobbing watching the lights pass by overhead. The medtech brought you to the bacta room, cylinders with occupants floating in the thick liquid surrounded you but the sixth in the middle stood empty, yours. The other tanks contained your shipmates, one you recognized to be the captain. You started to struggle, the beeping increased a heart monitor you realized as the machine confirmed the panic racing through you, the medtech turned, withdrawing a syringe he injected something into the iv, you settled almost immediately, your limbs became suddenly immovable, you whimpered.  


“Don’t fight it,” he said, “you’ll only slow down the progress you’ve already made”. You mumbled, your mouth not working correctly, “Several days, maybe longer,” he said passively, he began undoing the medical gown you had on and untied the leather bracelet on your wrist. Trying to protest you moved your hand but he held it firmly, “It will be returned to you after the treatment,” he patted the top of your hand. Then attached straps to your arms and around your chest, while an EmDee droid fitted you with immersion garments their purpose was an unpleasantness you didn’t want to think about. He swiped his fingers across the data pad and the orientation of the room changed. You felt like you were floating, the drugs were clouding your senses again, you were floating you realized as the straps dug at your armpits, the straps had repulsor lifts on them. It lowered you into the bacta tank slowly, it was warm and oddly relaxing as it engulfed you, you realized that the pressure on your face must be a breathing apparatus, despite being submerged you could breathe but that hardly stopped the drug dulled panic that had set in.  


Time became unreal, you moved between conscious and unconsciousness fluidly occasionally you could see through he distorted tank walls, medtechs scurrying around, EmDee droids checking vitals and administering medicines, sometimes you felt it, Ben’s presence, once you thought you saw him on the other side of the tank, his hand splayed against the outer wall. _Why is this happening Ben?_ You asked silently then you heard a response: _You’ll understand soon._ You shook your head as your hair floated around you like a strange cloud. Why could you see him? He didn’t look like a force apparition, Master Luke had described them as translucent blue tinted, insubstantial. Ben looked solid. The drugs you told yourself, you heard the beeping increase, you realized you must be sobbing your breaths coming short. The EmDee bot injected something into the port on the tank and everything faded again.  


Something pulled you to the surface of consciousness, you could feel your muscles tensing and releasing, slight at first then painfully, in waves everything tensed and released, everything burned, you were being lifted you realized, your muscles reacting to the shocks still twitching and jerking. Feeling heavier than you’d ever felt you realized you had been lifted out of the bacta and were now being lowered onto another hover gurney this one painfully solid and plastic, you whimpered as cold jets blasted against your skin, water washing away the slimy substance, the bacta coated garments were removed, you were then placed on a softer bed and dressed in a fresh medical gown, your eyes swam you were being moved again the movement turned your stomach you felt the need to vomit but nothing came up. A pair of hands turned you to your side as you continued to dry heave. You blacked out again as a finger touched your temple.  


Awakening you felt clear minded, nothing seemed to cloud your senses, you raised your hand the leather bracelet had been returned as promised, you could feel your body as you did a mental inventory, everything seemed sore but respond. “Good you’re awake, we can begin discharge protocols.” The medtech helped you sit up and you winced, “Still sore?” you nodded, he gave you a red pill and a cup of water, you looked at him questioningly, “It's just a muscle relaxer, muscle stimulation can sometimes leave you sore but your internal injuries show a 90% restoration, over the next two to three days you should come back to 100%.” Nodding you downed the pill and water. After running diagnostic and reaction tests he cleared you for release, then helped you into a hover chair and then escorted you to a guest quarters.  


“Guest quarters?” he nodded.  


“You’re a guest of Kylo Ren,” it made you shudder.The medtech showed you how to open the door, “It has already been set to your biometrics,” he explained demonstrating the scanner. Murmuring a thank you took a step into the quarters, but found that you were not alone.  


Kylo Ren stood at the transparisteel viewport gazing outward, a chill ran down your spine, Jedi Killer your mind supplied as the confusing presence of Ben pinged against your mind, you looked around for any sign of him, “Please sit down, you must be exhausted.” said the harsh and metallic voice.  


Taking a seat on the bed you drew your legs up and shivered as you pulled the blanket around yourself, “Why am I here?” you asked trying to keep the uncertainty out of your voice, your mind chanted Jedi Killer over and over.  


“You will begin training once you’ve been cleared for physical activity by the medical staff, that is why you are here.” the voice sounded flat.  


“You’re not going to k-kill me?” you shuddered, your force powers were not enough to bother with.  


“You’re rather dense,” he said, “so long as you don’t disappoint me me, no I won’t kill you.” the threat hung in the air.  


“I’m not strong in the force, it’s why...” tears threaten to form.  


“It’s why you left, yes I know,” regarding you he began to pace, “you’re reaching out, what are you trying to sense?”  


“There’s a familiar presence,” you started but your head began to hurt from the exertion, “if I’m not dying or to be killed, I can’t figure... it doesn’t make sense.”  


“Search your feelings,” you didn’t want to follow any advice that the Jedi Killer gave you, he sighed. “I really dislike that name,” he sounded bored, “search your feelings.”  


Closing your eyes you tried, but you kept coming up with the same answer, Ben, opening your eyes Kylo Ren had stopped in front of you, his gaze unwavering through the glass of his helmet. “No,” you whispered. He moved his hands to his helmet, the latch clicked and a hiss escaped as he removed the mask. “No,” louder this time, “NO,” you almost screamed it. “No Ben-” he held up a hand.  


“Control your emotions.” you shook your head.  


“You can’t be Ben.” It had been a long time but you recognized the sensitive eyes, the lips, the face, he looked older, his jaw line had filled out, a scar crossed his face curling under his right eye and continuing down to his jaw. “Ben Solo is dead.”  


“In so many ways you are right, I destroyed Ben Solo. “  


“Ben why?” he shook his head, “Ben, you killed everyone, you’re “ the Jedi Killer your mind supplied, “you wouldn’t hurt anyone, you,” you remembered the kind boy who had nightmares, you remembered your first kiss beneath the trees.  


“Your sentiment is a weakness,” but you couldn’t stop there, your mind recalled memories flooding you with emotion, “Control yourself,” he said his brow furrowing. You were crying in earnest now.  


“Oh Ben,” you sniffled trying to control yourself, but failing completely. You stood wanting to flee but your body gave out and you crumpled. He stood there watching you, his expression disgusted.  


“Get back in bed,” he said flatly. You tried to stand but couldn’t gain footing the muscle relaxer rendered your movements useless. He sighed crossing to you, easily sweeping you up. Hiccuping you pressed your face to his shoulder and neck, he tensed at the contact. You took comfort in his arms around you even if that was not their purpose. He shifted your weight back and forth, “Y/N, It doesn’t happen overnight, you must build walls one by one, close yourself off from sentiment. It’s the only way you can unleash your true power, and in time you burn it out of yourself.”  


You felt it, his buried pain for just a moment, but then it was gone, “Ben,” you whimpered, he sat you down gently on the bed. Without thinking your hand came up to caress his face, he frowned. “Please,” you said softly, “please just for tonight,” he shook his head, you cried harder.  


He let out a long breath, “Just until you go to sleep, and” he grasped your face, “only this once.” You nodded laying down. He didn’t join you as you’d hoped, he sat next to you, “roll over, put your back to me.” You complied. He pulled you flush against his hip, the contact brought you a small amount of comfort, he stroked your temple and back over your scalp. You sighed, his fingers running through your hair, brushing through it gathering it and spreading it out on the pillow. “Like fine silk,” he remarked, as he curled strands around his fingers, “I had forgotten how soft your hair is,” he said as his fingers threaded through it brushing your scalp, you sighed softly, his fingers now brushing the nape of your neck and spreading down to your shoulders with firm gentle pressure working out the knots the muscle stimulator had left.  


Working down your shoulders to your blades he found a painful knot and worked it out with his knuckles, you groaned softly, “too deep?” he asked but you shook your head, he worked down to mid back his thumbs rubbing up out and down in circular motions along your spine. By the time he had worked his way down to your lower back he had wrung out all of your tension and you found your eyes too heavy to keep open. He stood, leaning over you, the ghost of a kiss to your temple, “In twelve hours we’ll start your training.” Had he actually kissed you? Your body too relaxed and over stimulated you slipped into sleep, “Good night Y/N.” and the doors slid shut.


	2. There is Peace.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training begins and Kylo Ren learns about what's happened in the years since you saw him last.

The next morning you awoke to find breakfast on the table by the viewport, after eating you noticed clothing had been placed on the chair by the bed. Tight fitting black pants stretchy by the feel of them and a dark red tunic with a black wide banded leather belt, you fingered the braid along the edge, the whole outfit looked exactly what you would have worn at the academy. Slipping into the black leather boots with all to familiar buckles,you realized Ben had recreated your ensemble from the last day he saw you. “Sentiment makes you weak,” you muttered strapping the boots tight, “more like you have more sentiment than you want to admit.”

You pressed the panel on the door way and it slid open smoothly, stepping into the hall  both ways looked the exactly the same, closing your eyes you tried to call upon the force to find Ben, two decks down you felt him, you shuddered, using the force felt wrong, you shrank back from it, you weren’t strong enough, or good enough. Your skin felt like it was crawling, nevertheless you headed towards Ben finding a lift and rode it two decks down, rounding the corner you found him speaking with Stormtroopers. “Impressive,” he said, the modulator taking all inflection out of his voice.

“You tend to stand out Be-”

He raised his hand, “No, you will address me properly.” He excused the stormtroopers. 

You frowned, you weren’t calling him Kylo Ren, “Properly?” He let the silence hang for a moment expecting you to take the initiative.

“You may call me Kylo Ren, sir, or master.” 

“Master? That’s not likely... Sir.” He made a noise.

“You referred to your previous teacher as master, it would only make sense.” He turned and began walking as if dismissing the conversation, “follow me.” You sighed striding behind him. “Today,” he said leading you into a room with cushions, “we’ll work on meditating and manipulations, perhaps stretching, nothing too physically strenuous yet.” 

You started rubbing your arms that much use of the force would have your skin prickling burning, you felt sick. “I don’t know how much progress we’ll make, you remember, I’m no-”

He spun around, “You will do your best,” he said firmly, it sounded more like a command than reassurance. You took a seat across from him once he settled, “Clear your mind,” you did, you dealt with each feeling and emotion as they surfaced anxiety, panic, fear, uncertainty, anger. You couldn’t let go of this one, you kept trying but your face got hot. “Focus on it,” he said the metallic voice almost translated a hint of passion. Your brow furrowed, the anger radiated, anger for the murdered, your parents death, your hands started shaking. “When?” he asked.

“About a year ago,” your voice shook, your planet in flames.

“What were you doing there?” You could almost pickup, concern?

“We lived there. We farmed there, The First Order destroyed everything.” your anger felt like a furnace burning within  your chest. 

“Use it,” he said, “focus it on the metal square in front of you.”

You opened your eyes, you hadn’t paid it any attention when you sat down but a smooth metal box sat between you, “I’ve nev-”

“FOCUS,” he said, the voice distorted.

Once your hand extended the cube shuddered, you furrowed your brow, thinking of digging graves, you wanted to crush the box, it lifted, your anger wrapped around it, six graves you dug by yourself. One side of the box crumpled the metal groaning, all of the livestock and crops burned. Nothing left. No home. No family. 

“Stop.” The voice soft, human, you looked up he had removed the mask, “stop now Y/N.” His face proud but uncertain,”It's too much at once.” You wondered what it would be like to choke him, your anger rose again as you stared at him your eyes narrowing focusing on his throat. “Y/N!” he shouted, but you could barely hear him, you could feel the force pressing you back, you hadn’t realized you had stood. “Release your anger,” his voice even calm. 

“Why?” Why should you release your anger, you couldn’t lift your arms,”Release me,” your voice cold.

“No,” he said softly, “meditate, clear your mind, release your anger.” You closed your eyes, trying pushing it down, back inside, it almost didn’t fit. “That’s it,” you could feel his hand on your shoulder, “close it up, keep it there.” You had boiled down to a seething anger, then you released it as the box closed in your mind.

“What were you doing on that planet?” his gloved fingertips raised your chin his face close to yours.  
“We moved there with my uncle, after our farm failed.” you said softly. “They killed everyone Ben,” tears threatened to fall but you fought them back. “I had to bury them all when I came back from delivering our crops.” He tensed, his hand caressing your cheek.

“I’m sorry,” whatever else he had planned on saying died on his lips at your scathing glance. “You did very well,” he said softly, “you’re much stronger than you realize.” You glanced down at the square, two of its sides crumpled in, the top now concave.

“I used the dark side of the force,” your hands started shaking, goosebumps prickled your skin. “We’re not supposed to go there,” a tear fell from your eye.

“We learned a very narrow view of the force.” You looked at him, your lips quivered, “No, don’t do that,” he said uncomfortably, “don’t let those teachings cloud your judgment. There is light and darkness in everyone, to deny one side completely is to weaken yourself. Embracing your stronger side while finding ways to use the other makes you stronger.”

“I wanted to kill you,” you said softly, “I wanted to pull the life from everyone on this ship, I wanted everyone to pay for everything that happened to my family.”

His eyes searched your face, “I think we’re done for today,” he glanced down at the square. “You should take this back to your room, to remind yourself of what you’re capable of,” he beckoned to it with the force and it flew to his hand, “soon, you won’t have to call for emotions like this to use the force, it will become second nature. Until then it will be very difficult, it will be very emotional. You must learn to control your emotions so that it doesn’t,” he paused, “ so that they don’t control you.” You felt his control slip for a moment again, his inner rage and pain rolling.

“How do I stop when I do lose control?” You looked to him for guidance.

“I’ll stop you,” he said, “in time you’ll work out how to do it for yourself.” His hand left your face, “Come.” The command snapping you to attention, “We will eat and then you will rest.” He handed you the cube before putting his helmet back on  and then lead the way to your quarters. Once there he ordered food and leaned against the viewport, “ Sit down, rest.”

“Take off the helmet please,” he did, “thank you Ben.” He nodded. You sat down on the edge of the bed, your emotions still high. 

“Breathe deeply,” he said, “if you can regulate your breathing, you will be able to calm down.” Pain had started building behind your eyes, “breathe,” he crossed to you, “Pain?” you nodded,  he pressed his thumbs against your forehead just above your brow bones the pressure helped, his brows knit together, “there are pain killers in the refresher.”

“Will they help?” He shook his head, “does it ever get better?”

“Eventually once you learn how to focus it it doesn’t hurt as much, you’re out of practice.” You could feel something else that he didn’t say. You wanted him to wrap you in his arms, but you knew that he wouldn’t, you also wanted to choke the life out of him for his part in everything. “You’re already learning to control yourself,” he had heard all of your unspoken thoughts.

You looked down at the bracelet and away from his gaze, “Ben,” you could feel the tears forming and you knew you wouldn’t be able to stop them, “everyone I know is dead.” He sat down beside you, you leaned against him, he allowed it but didn’t move to comfort you.”We had just gotten our first harvest back, there was a surplus we were going to be okay until the second harvest. My uncle and his children,” your voice wavered but you pressed on, “were so happy to have us, life had not been that good in a long time.” Pain ripped through your chest as you saw their faces, you finally felt like you might be able to move on. “Then Resistance troops came, took up residence in an old rebel base, I don’t know who started the fire fight Resistance or First Order but neither side stopped and neither side helped, both fled leaving the planet to burn. They say,” a sob escaped your lips, “they say that it will be one hundred years before anyone can farm there or live there again, a big ship lost core containment.” It had been horrible, you had hours to bury everyone and get out before the radiation would reach your homestead, you dug four large graves for your parents, your uncle, and the sweet farm hand, then two small ones for the children, something broke deep down and you sobbed hard.

A hand pressed against your back, “Breathe, Y/N,” he said softly, the gentle tone unexpected, no matter how hard you tried you couldn't stop the sobs, “If I had known,” he started but his voice stopped as if he didn’t trust himself to go forward with the train of thought. His other hand trailed along your bracelet, “Tell me about the farm.” You couldn’t stop it, you painted a picture of the rolling hills that you farmed on Agamar, the soybean crops that your family produced ,the beast named Cera that you rode across the fields, and you wept for a world that had been taken from you, a future that had been taken from you. Without realizing it you had laid your head in his lap, his now bare fingers running through your hair as you cried and told him everything. The familiarity of it hurt, but you felt at peace, your skin had finally stopped crawling. “It sounds beautiful,” he said softly, “I wish I had seen all of it.”

“It's all gone now, my beast, the farm, everything I worked for, everything I built.” The door slid open and a droid left two trays of food, you didn’t feel like eating any of it. “Even the ship I worked on is gone, it finally started feeling like home.” A few more tears slipped from your eyes, “What happened to the crew?” 

“They’re no longer your concern, put it out of your mind,” he said firmly, it was a command but one you couldn’t follow.

“Ben, are they...” you knew they were.

“One died in the tank,” he said softly, “the others survived, we questioned them. Two of the younger ones agreed to join us so they were sent to reconditioning.” 

“The other two?” His fingers stopped stroking your hair. “The captain Ben?”

You could feel it in him, the light for just a moment, “He passed away in the tank, he was,” he paused, “I sent his body home to his family. The other two refused to join, one began a fight and killed a medtech both were shot by stormtroopers.” you sighed, the number of people you knew in the galaxy had shrank to three, two shipmates that joined The First Order and now the man you took comfort from.

“Why, why did you change your name Ben?” His fingers resumed their course stroking your hair, you’d curled around him taking as much contact as he’d let you have, the tops of your legs pressed against his lower back. 

“Kylo Ren had no friends or family, no one left.” He looked down, “Ben Solo, didn’t want to go but I had to destroy him, he felt so much,” his voice sounded like it might break it had shrank to a whisper, “the moment Ben Solo died I rose from the ashes.”

“You haven’t stopped me from using it,” you said softly.

“No, only publicly will I stop you from using that name, it brings you comfort to believe some part of Ben still lives.” The words were cold despite his current position, “Eventually you’ll see the only resemblance is physical.”

“Thank you,” your words started, before you could stop them, “thank you for your understanding.” You realized he gave you what he could give. “I loved Ben Solo,” you felt betrayed suddenly by your own admission. 

He nodded. “I know you did, but don’t mistake being spared for affection, I have need of an apprentice and the force supplied it.” His words didn’t match his emotion, for a moment you could almost feel warmth in his emotions towards you. “Did you ever,” it sound like he fought for each word, “move on?” His fingers had moved to your temple brushing strands behind your ear.

“I tried, but I couldn’t,” you looked up at him is thumb trailed down towards the corner of your mouth, “Your face, Ben’s face,” you corrected yourself, “that you wear it—I never got over you.” His breath hitched and he brushed you off his lap, he stood and strode to his helmet. 

“Eat, then rest, I’ll be back later to collect you for dinner.” He thrust the helmet on his head and strode out of your quarters in a storm of black.

You curled into a ball and cried yourself to sleep.


	3. There is no ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You learn that dinner isn't going to be a simple affair and gain some insight as to how Kylo Ren came to be. Warning there is a mild description of torture in this chapter.

Several hours later you awoke to the sound of the door sliding open, Ben stood there, helmet in his hands, his gaze colder than it had been earlier in the day. “You haven’t eaten,” he said his brow furrowing in worry.

Sitting up you shook your head, “I couldn’t.” He nodded. You noticed a garment draped over the chair by the bed. “What is that?”

“Your attire for the evening,” he seemed annoyed, “use the refresher and make yourself ready, you should find everything you need in there.”

Sliding out of bed you shifted your attention to the sleek black dress, “Ben, this is a fancy dress.”

“It’s a fancy dinner, get dressed.” He said tersely. You looked up at him.

“Who are we having dinner with?” You hadn’t seen anything like it in person, you’d certainly never worn anything like it. 

“General Hux, Captain Phasma and the commanding officers,” you fought for a breath anxiety rising.

“Ben I’ve n-n-ever,” you started to stammer.

“You had classes on function manners at the academy, it’s the same, be polite, work your way in on the place setting, call me sir, everything will be fine. Now. Go. Get. Ready.” His voice had turned sharper, you frowned at him but scooped up the garment finding another hanger underneath with underwear, you made a face. “Speak to Phasma if they’re not to your liking, it's all quite expensive, she assured me that would count.”

Stepping into the refresher you realized it was much more complicated than the ones you’d been in, chewing your lip you wondered if it would make him more angry if you asked or if you just chanced it. You chanced it. You found the sonic setting, after shaking your head to clear your ears you tried another one that said hot, but that turned out to be a dryer, sighing you tried a few more buttons. You settled for a cold shower with sonic and heat drying. Finding some flowery smelling conditioner you smoothed it through your hair and started taming the knots. 

After that you pulled on the incredibly complicated strappy underwear. At first you weren’t entirely sure it had been made for your race, but once you positioned the straps in the right places you could see the appeal. Stopping to admire the lines you were glad that they would be underneath dress and not on display, but when you slipped on the dress your stomach fell, it was too much, all of it, you didn’t look like someone who had spent the last year on a freighter ship, you bore a closer resemblance to an escaped twi’lek dancing girl, the solid patterns down the front of the dress and the sheer side panels lined up perfectly with the underwear making it look like an intricate pattern.

Trying hard to put the dress out of your mind you turned to the several tubes of make up that lined the counter but really weren’t sure what would look right, the conditioner had left your hair in soft curls so you settled for a little eyeliner and some red lipstick that turned out much darker than you wanted, you frowned but decided this as good as it gets, but found that you couldn’t bring yourself to walk out of the bathroom.

“Are you nearly done?” He asked.

“Yes,” you said softly looking at yourself in the mirror anxiety again rising.

“Come out then,” he said.

“No.”

“Y/N, we need to leave, come out.” His annoyance became more pronounced.

“I can’t,” you said.

“You can’t? Are you stuck?”

“I can’t seem to move,” he sighed.

“Are you dressed?”

“Yes,” you took a breath then mumbled, “mostly.” You heard the door panel override being entered and you seriously thought of diving into the shower. The door slid open, he stood there staring at you. His entire body looked tense, his jaw clenched and unclenched several times, it must have been bad. It must have been very bad, you broke out in a full body blush, ”Um, I need help with the zipper,” you said in small voice, he didn’t move for a moment then shook his head a little.

“Yes, umm on the back?” you nodded and turned closing your eyes wishing this dress had never crossed your path, he zipped it up, smoothing out a wrinkle his hand lingered a moment on your hip, the warmth from his fingers sinking through the sheer panel there. “I’m impressed,” he said, “you look," he paused, glancing at the deep v-neckline and the criss crossing lines there, “that’s really complicated underwear,” he said frowning for a moment, but then tried to slip a neutral expression back on to his face, "are you ready?”

“Yes... well no, I need shoes, I can’t wear boots with this.” He scowled at the boots and then opened the closet finding some suitable pumps, you shook your head, “are there flats?” He rummaged around and came out with some lower pumps.”Those will do,” you slipped them on, “ready.”

He nodded, and then opened the door waiting for you to follow as he slipped his helmet on, he held his arm out for you, swallowing you looped your own through it, “Those lines,” he said taking a closer look at the dress, “they’re not all the dress are they?” You blushed deeply.

“No, it's the underwear,” the visor helmet inclined, “it's basically sheer,” he nodded, “maybe i should change?” 

“No, if Captain Phasma picked it out then it's appropriate, we’re already late.” He began at a brisk pace but soon realized you couldn’t keep up due to the limitations of the dress, he slowed but the annoyance seemed to flow off him. Finally you reached the command deck, every thing seemed finer here, the floors a high polished black, the walls textured not stark gray. Your heels clicked with every step, Ben looked at you, “Those are loud.”

“The taller ones would have been louder,” he nodded, you noticed you’d stopped at a large door engraved with scroll work, he released your arm and pressed the panel he stepped through the doorway beckoning you to follow.

“Ren, how nice of you to join us,” sounded a voice from the back of the room you could feel Ben’s mood sour further. Delicious aromas washed around you and your stomach grumbled loudly, “This must be your apprentice,” you looked up. 

“General Hux,” Ben said, “this is Y/N.” Hux cocked a ginger eyebrow when you held out a hand to shake his, you slowly retracted it when he didn’t return your gesture.

“Y/N? I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere before,” He grinned his eyes raking over your body, you felt a cold shiver creep up your spine, “I see Phasma’s taste is as excellent as ever,” he said as he sipped a sparkling green wine.

Ignoring his comments Ben lead you to the other side of the room, Captain Phasma met you halfway around the room. “Good evening Ren, and Y/N?” You nodded keeping your hands clasped.

“This is Captain Phasma,” he said.

“Thank you, Captain Phasma,” you said blushing, “this is the fanciest dress I’ve ever worn.” She smiled and winked.

“I told Ren it would look very fetching on your form, I was not wrong,” she smiled mischievously, she seemed to twinkle in a slinky silver dress that accentuated her athletic build.

“Thank you,” you blushed deeper, ”your dress is incredible,” you said admiring it.

“Thank you,” she said taking your hand, “let me introduce you to the rest of the officers.” Ben’s shoulders stiffened, “I’ll return her,” she said over her shoulder, “and please remove the mask, you’re among officers.” He grunted but removed the mask placing it on a table, his expression unreadable as she led you away. “This is Lieutenant Mitaka and Colonel Kaplan,” they nodded as a serving droid offered you a glass of the same wine. Both men watched as you sipped the refreshing wine, you smiled as the bubbles tickled your throat, Phasma pulled you along to a man standing in the corner, their eyes following the pair of you. “This is Vice Admiral Resdox, it’s an honor to have him with us today,” you nodded and the admiral smiled. “Admiral this is Y/N, Kylo Ren’s new apprentice.”

“Pleasure to meet you, my dear,” he stuck out his hand and you accepted shaking it happily, he leaned forward, “You’re not the only one here from a backwater system,” he said smiling. Despite your fear of this crowd you smiled genuinely.

“Thank you Admiral,” you said softly.

“Where do you hail from?” he asked, stirring up your carefully packaged anger but you took a large swallow of your drink to steel yourself before answering.

“Agamar,” you replied, the Admiral paled a little and muttered some apologies as he turned to join another group of officers. You could feel Ben’s gaze on you as Phasma ushered you towards the lavishly set table, it appeared to be made of one solid piece of a richly veined hardwood an expense you couldn’t imagine. A speech erupted from General Hux about the might and far reaching resources of the First Order at the end the dinner finally began its first course of hard salads and cheeses, you nibbled at everything trying to be polite but most had strong flavors that made them unpleasant to your pallet. Unless someone spoke to him Ben’s gaze stayed unwavering on you. You watched him cautiously through the meal politely sipping a chilled fruit soup, until General Hux cleared his throat. “Ren!” he said loudly, “I just remembered where I’ve heard that name before!” Ben’s gaze turned to Hux scowling, “Didn’t you have a draz pup named, Y/N?” His smile wicked, Ben’s face impassive.

“No, I did not.” He returned to his meal, not sparing you a glance.

“Of course you did! I remember that dreadful thing, you were so attached to it. Made a big deal about all the tricks you had taught it. What ever happened to it?” 

“Ben Solo, had a pet draz, I did not.” Some of the other officers shifted uncomfortably looking from one to another Lieutenant Mitaka seemed the most uncomfortable his eyes shifting back and forth seeming to measure the space between himself and Ben. The question burned in you, you wanted to know what happened but you knew this would not be the place to ask. 

Phasma changed the subject speaking about the new techniques being used in stormtrooper training, she and Colonel Kaplan filled the silence with talk of tactics and anticipated victories as the serving droids brought out Fodu with green fire sauce which left your tongue tingling. Ben stayed silent, his fury boiling beneath the surface as he drank several more glasses of wine, you tried not to stare at him as you pretended to follow along with the conversation. A course of meats were served next, delicious but reptilian their texture turning your stomach. The serving droid returned several times keeping your wine glass topped off, you zoned out as a pleasant buzz settled in and your face warmed to a light shade of red, you didn’t hear it when Ben spoke to you, you glanced up noticing his stare.

“Sir?” You said softly attracting the glances of several officers, when you realized you’d have to be more specific you frowned, “M-master?” The corner of his mouth twitched up as if a grin would form, but then returned neutral.

“I asked if you were ready to go?” You nodded gently and pushed away from the table.

“Leaving so soon Ren?” Hux’s voice dripped with insincerity.

“My apprentice has had a taxing day, her rest is important.” He said guiding you to the door.

“But of course Ren,” then his gaze drifted to you, “we all expect great results from this undertaking, see that you don’t disappoint the Supreme Leader, his head isn’t turned as easily by a pretty face,” his sneer made your blood run cold, Ben’s warm hand touched your lower back steering you from the room. 

The annoyance seemed to lift from him as the door slid shut behind you, he offered his arm to you again and you looped yours through it, glad for the stability you felt light headed after the wine. You didn’t pay any attention to where you were going until you came to a room with an observation deck, the large viewport giving you a grand view of the stars, you gasped as you stepped forward to the railing watching the stars pass by, “How beautiful,” you said softly, the stars captivating you as they always had, you could remember your first space flight to the academy, you didn’t sleep the whole way. First watching the blue tunnel of hyperspace and then the endless canopy of stars at sublight.

Ben leaned against the wall, you turned taking him in, you hadn’t realized that his robes were of a finer material than they had been during training earlier in the day, he had dressed for the occasion as well, his under robes seemed to be made of a shiny black brocade with a silver filigree clasp. His face looked troubled, the hint of tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, “Ben?” You said softly crossing back to him, you wanted to hug him, comfort him in some way but you didn’t know if he’d allow it. His hand came forward, caressing your cheek softly you could feel his inner turmoil.

“Y/N,” he said softly, his eyes closed, “you can ask about it, it's been on your mind since Hux brought it up.” He opened his eyes again searching your own.

Leaning into the caress you asked, “What happened to your pet?"

“When Ben Solo joined The First Order,” he took a shaky breath, “he had no one, his training took everything from him, he was complicated,” he looked down, his gaze drifting to the leather bracelet you wore, “but that wasn’t much different from before, he had few friends before he came here, before he,” he swallowed, “changed his life permanently. He was lonely and withdrawn, the Supreme Leader saw fit to give him a pet, something he could latch onto since others wanted nothing to do with him.” His eyes searched yours, “He named it for the only person he knew who accepted him as he was, she didn’t ask him to be stronger or braver,” his thumb caressed your cheek, “so he began to thrive having something to talk to, to hold on to. After about a year he had trained his draz to do all sorts of tricks, respond to force directions, it was going to make a great battle companion. 

“One day the Supreme Leader asked him to present his prized pet to show him what progress he had made with it. After showing him all the tricks and responses it had learned the Supreme Leader stroked its head and praised it. He took pride in Ben’s achievement, then he said, ‘While you’ve achieved great feats and produced a masterfully trained animal, you’ve allowed sentiment to cloud your judgment. Sentiment caused the fall of the Empire, I can not allow it to destroy you too,’ he then ordered me to kill my pet.” He took a shaky breath as your blood turned cold, you slipped your hand into his, “I refused,” he continued tears now beginning to escape his eyes, you squeezed his hand but he looked over your shoulder the sudden shift in his speech not lost on you, “which turned out to have been the worst option I could have chosen. My pet and I were taken to an interrogation room,” his other fist tightened his glove creaking with the effort, “for three days I was forced to watch it be tortured, listen to its screams as the doctor slowly vivisected it,” he took a deep breath, “they kept me awake with stims so that I didn’t miss a single moment, I learned that disobeying an order would not only be punished severely,but it would be much worse for anything I cared about,” he brought your intertwined hand up between your bodies, “which is why I do not hesitate to fulfill any order given to me by the Supreme Leader, it's the only mercy I can afford.”

“Oh Ben,” you said your voice shaking as you wrapped your arms around him tightly.

“Ben Solo never left that room,” he said sharply looking down at you, his lips inches from yours, “his memories remind me that the path I’ve chosen takes everything from me for the greater good.”

“His memories must be a burden to you,” you whispered.

He nodded, “Some more than others,” his hands shifted against you, pulling you closer against him, “this body remembers exactly what it feels like to have yours underneath it,” he said his breath short, he turned pressing you against the cold metal wall, its chill seeping through the sheer panels of the dress, his lips moved to your neck resting against your skin, he felt feverish, warm from the alcohol and anger coursing through him, “You need to leave now,” he said his voice a whisper, his face raising to to yours, “go back to your room,” he didn’t release you. Breath coming in short gasps you closed the space between you and kissed him softly, he pressed harder against you, his lips resting against yours, “you don’t listen very well do you?” Before you could respond his lips captured yours in a searing kiss that set you aflame. Pulling back he rested his forehead against yours, “Leave.” He said releasing you, you could feel the force pushing you forward and away from him, you retreated walking toward the doorway, you turned to speak but his lightsaber ignited, crackling as he yelled and began slashing the walls. You fled heart pounding in your ears as the force of his anger hit you, you almost stumbled over your own feet tripping on the edge of the dress.

It took you over an hour to find your way back to your quarters, you silently cursed yourself for not paying more attention on the way there, you had to stop a stormtrooper to ask for directions, his gaze kept drifting below your face but he eventually gave you directions back to the guest level of the ship. Once in your room you stripped out of the dress and changed into a nightgown that provided more coverage, sighing you laid down, your fingers tracing to your lips where he had kissed you. Suddenly you felt his presence, you sat up, he was outside the door, you walked over to it, placing your hand against the door. Your hand moved towards the panel but you felt him back away and retreat down the corridor. You pressed your face against the cool door trying to let go of your frustrations, slowly you turned and crawled back in bed. Pulling a pillow into your arms and burying your face there, you were determined not to cry yourself to sleep again.


	4. There is Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader begins physical training and spends some time getting to know Captain Phasma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some warning there is a description of an anxiety attack in this chapter.

When you awoke something felt off, you couldn’t quite put a finger on it but it left you feeling hollow. Shrugging it off you decided to get up so you could join Ben for today’s training. Opening the closet you searched for something appropriate to wear, you were impressed by the selection, there were outfits for all climates in a few different color selections, but training clothes out numbered them all, you weren’t sure if he he’d picked it all out but some matched your tastes too well for anyone to have come so close. Wrapped up in thought you almost missed the small foot locker in the corner, you were stunned, this came from your bunk, its contents were everything you had left in the galaxy: a photo album, your mother’s jewelry, family birth records, some childhood treasures, and a lightsaber with power cells that were probably depleted from long disuse. You laid a hand atop it not wanting to open it lest you open the gate and mourn the rest of the day. Eventually you’d have to retrieve the saber but you would wait until you were ready.

After dressing you sat on the meditation cushion in the corner and reached out, you searched the decks above and below,straining to reach the command deck, you weren’t sure exactly how big the ship actually was but you stretched out as far as you could but you couldn’t find him. Pulling back you shuddered as your skin began crawling, you closed your eyes meditating lightly trying to release the anxiety it stirred in you, focusing on breathing slowly in and out, bringing your self to a tentative calm to prevent the panic you knew may set in. You were focused on stilling your shaking hands when the door slid open, your eyes snapped up to see a silver clad stormtrooper step into your quarters, you stood shakily. “Can I help you?” You asked nervously.

“Good Morning, Y/N, I trust you slept well?” The modulator only distorted the voice fractionally.

“Captain Phasma?” Your spirits lifting at the familiar voice and presence The trooper inclined its head, “Yes, I slept very well.” You paused, you wanted to ask about Ben but you weren’t sure if it would be appropriate.

Seeing your indecision Phasma asked, “Are you unable to locate your Master?” She sounded almost impressed.

“Yes, it’s as if he just isn’t on board.” You closed your eyes again, stretching out slightly. 

“He isn’t, he has been sent on a mission by the Supreme Leader,” you felt deflated, “he should be gone for approximately 5 standard days. During that time you will be under my command, I will handle your physical training in his absence.” You nodded, he hadn’t told you, “Ready?” she asked. 

“Yes Ma’am,” you said and followed her out, it was a long trek to the training facilities, much farther than you had gone the previous day. The sheer size of the ship overwhelmed you, again you had greatly underestimated the size of it..  
“Is the Finalizer the largest ship you’ve been on?” She asked idly, you nodded.

“I didn’t imagine a ship could be so large... well I know the Death Star must have been larger but, I can’t actually wrap my head around its size.” You could feel a swell of pride from within Phasma.

“The Finalizer is our flagship, so far the largest in the Resurgent Class,” you nodded amazed, “we will begin with calisthenics you will report every morning at 0500 to train with my troopers,” you nodded, “after that we’ll move to sparing and battle simulations. After calisthenics today I will give you a fitness test to see where we need to go, I have your medical scans, our goal is to increase your skeletal muscle by 10 percent.” You were taken aback, “Even a force user must have a strong base, I believe Ren says the connection to mind and body are indisputable. The more you train your body finer attuned your mind will become. Now join the ranks.” She gave a shout and white clad stormtroopers lined up.

Forty-five minutes later you were laying on the deck panting trying anything to regain your breath, “I see we have a lot of work to do,” Phasma seemed disappointed but you were too exhausted to care, every muscle burned.

“Ma’am,” you said breathlessly, “I should be okay in a few moments,” you closed your eyes trying to remember how to enter restorative meditation. It took a few moments but your breath slowed and you felt a cooling sensation spread across your body, your breaths cooled your muscles and skin as your mind calmed. You felt the force surround you and muscle by muscle you relaxed them allowing the force to strengthen them. Opening your eyes you still felt fatigue but felt like you could take another round.

Phasma’s Helmet cocked to the side, “Do you feel ready to continue?” She asked, you nodded and fought to ignore the crawling and tingling in your hands. If callisthenics were bad the fitness test nearly killed you. After completing it you immediately vomited and laid back on the floor. “Do you require medical attention?” She asked, you shook your head and tried to meditate again.

Calling upon the force you could feel the anger building but you fought it down, you shrank back afraid to unleash anger without Ben there to force you into submission if it took control again. “Ma’am, I just need a few moments and I’ll be ready to continue.” 

She nodded, “I’m impressed by your determination, but you must know your limitations.” You nodded fighting to gain a sitting position, clearing your mind again you slipped into the restorative state. The bustle of the training room faded away as you aligned yourself again, soothing and strengthening each muscle. Time slipped away from you, when your eyes opened Phasma had returned, “Y/N?” Phasma said firmly, you stood.

“Yes Ma’am?”

“Your sparing partner will be TW-2974,” the trooper stepped up and you matched him at the sparing line. Phasma tossed you a practice sword, testing its weight you swung it close to your body to either side testing its weight, unsure of what would happen you fell into active stance one. The trooper advanced thrusting his force pike, he struck out but you deflected it easily. Circling him you moved for a body blow but he side stepped it swinging his pike wide trying to catch you in the face, at the last moment you ducked low and swiped his feet out from under him. Standing you reached a hand out to him in assistance you could feel his anger as he slapped your hand away and stood, shaking his head he attacked again, you a parried whipping your practice sword around, the blade stopping at his neck. He backed up and returned to his beginning stance waiting for you to make the aggressive strike, swinging out you managed a fierce glancing blow and his weapon swung wide left almost falling from his grasp, he tried to recover but you whipped around and knocked the weapon up while landing a kick to his midsection. He made a growling sound and charged you, you took the blow full bodied using his weight and momentum against him flipping and slamming him hard into the deck. You were panting but you offered him your hand and this time he accepted it.

Later after several rounds you walked to the water fountain and took a long drink resting your forehead against the cool metal back splash. “Despite your level of fitness your sparring skills are adequate, I will put you up against some of my better stormtroopers tomorrow.”

“Yes Ma’am,” you said breathlessly, you didn’t know if you could survive a second day of brutal training like this, but you realized you had at least four more to go, you groaned inwardly.

“Report back to your quarters for rest, you may either take dinner there or in the mess hall this evening.”

“The mess hall?” You knew there had to be one or more on a ship this size but you hadn’t given it any thought until now.

“If you’re unaware of where it is I will send a trooper to guide you this evening.”

“Thank you, Ma’am, that would be very considerate.” She nodded in dismissal and you began the long trek back to your quarters. Once there you collapsed on the bed. All of your garments were uncomfortably stiff with sweat and you didn’t want to think about the smell, you sighed, fighting off drowsiness you stood and staggered to the refresher. Trying a few buttons you finally found the hot spray, stripping you stepped in groaning loudly as it hit all of your aching muscles. Tomorrow would be torture and you didn’t look forward to it. Mentally you prepared yourself for the muscle soreness, no amount of restorative meditation would stop it, it only delayed the effects of fatigue. You washed and stumbled out of the shower groping for a towel you glanced at the mirror, you looked thinner, not by today’s training, but your time in medbay must have trimmed 10lbs off your body possibly muscle atrophy. You wondered how long you’d been on this ship. 

Finding a robe hanging in the refresher you slipped it on, you were tempted to pass out on the bed but you knew you had to stretch otherwise you’d never make it out of bed in the morning. Searching the closet you found a suitable outfit that you could rest in and wear down to the mess hall, selecting black pants and a sleek matching tunic you smiled if you were going to be Kylo Ren’s apprentice you might as well look the part. After putting your hair up in a simple pony tail you pulled out an exercise mat and began moving through the different meditative poses Master Luke had taught, sinking in you felt your mind quiet and the hum of the ship fall away as you moved through the different positions, your heart lifted as all thought and emotion drained out as you held and stretched deeper into arch pose your fingers finally aligned with your feet on the floor. An odd sensation brought you out of meditation, it almost sounded like a bell, turning you noticed a light flashing by your door’s panel, you pressed the panel and it slid open revealing a stormtrooper on the other side.

“Hello?” You said softly, looking around for a chrono in your quarters, but you couldn’t find one. “TW-2974?”

“Yes Ma’am,” he said shifting nervously, “I’m here to escort you to the mess hall.”

“It can’t be dinner time already, how long ago did we stop sparing?” You asked confused.

“About 4 hours Ma’am,” he said nervously, you frowned, “is there something wrong ma’am?”

“No, I just lost track of time,” you replied, “you don’t have to call me Ma’am you know.” His shoulders hunched.

“Yes I do, Captain Phasma said we are required to show you the same respect we would show Kylo Ren.”

“I see,” you said trying to hide a grin, “thank you for the respect,” He nodded and began walking, “and thank you for not going easy on me today,” you said, he turned looking at you.

“I could say the same, but i’m sure that was you taking it easy on me,” he felt resentment you sensed.

“No hard feelings?” He shook his head.

“No offense ma’am but I saw you struggling earlier, why were you so effective at sparing?”

“Ah,” you said, smiling, “fighting has always come easy for me, saber training is something I enjoyed.”

“A trouble maker?” You laughed softly.

“Not usually, only when a friend pulled me into something,” you smiled remembering the antics you and Ben had pulled,“it was usually just harmless fun,” but the trooper didn’t think so.

“Dissension in the ranks weakens the unit cohesion.” You nodded.

“That can be true but a little fun will help the unit as well, but we weren’t soldiers really, just Jedi in training.”

“We’re here ma’am,” he said splitting off to join other troopers, you could feel his relief to get away. You sighed, you hadn’t planned on eating alone. You walked up to the serving line and collected some protein and carbohydrate cubes and a green desert, the food Ben had ordered for you so far had been better much better. You sat down at an empty table and poked at it until your stomach grumbled enough that you tried it grimacing at the the taste, you longed for the Fodu from last night, the memory of the fire sauce brought a smile to your face.

“Y/N,” Phasma’s voice sounded from behind you, “Come to the officer’s dining hall, your rank is high enough to warrant better food.” You deposited your tray in a waste receptacle and followed her to the officer’s dining hall. Frowning you started to ask why everyone didn’t get better food but decided to swallow back the questions and ask Ben when he returned. “I told Ren I’d keep an eye on you while he’s away.”

“Any word from him? On how his mission is going?” She shook her head as she removed the helmet and sat it on a table, then motioned for you to sit with her, a server came up and offered a few selections, you picked a chicken dish and Phasma ordered a steak.

“You need to increase your protein intake,” she said idly, “it’s important in muscle building.” You stuck out your tongue and she chuckled throwing a napkin at you. “I’m serious.”

“I will, starting tomorrow I’ll increase my protein intake.”

“By 50 %,” she said, eyebrow raised.

“That’s too much,” she laughed again, “fine,” you said agreeing, “I’ll increase it to that unholy percent.”

“Wonderful!” she said cheerfully, “Now a lightsaber is listed among your effects that were pulled from the damaged ship, do you know if it's still functional?” You took a hard breath.

“I’m not sure,” you tried not to let your anxiety show, “I haven’t turned it on since I left the Jedi academy,” you said coolly.

“I see, well if it works please bring it tomorrow, I’d like to have my stormtroopers train blasters against a lightsaber.” You nodded, you hadn’t thought about the fact that your training could be used to counter force sensitive combatants, your stomach turned. “It will give us a real advantage if the scavenger has had any real training.”

“Scavenger?” You said around a mouthful of potatoes, “What scavenger?”

“The one Ren’s been hunting, she nearly killed him last time.” She said distractedly flipping through items on her data pad.

“He’s not hunting her now is he?” She nodded not looking up, your pulse quickened, “by him self?”

“He’s not going to engage until he has back up,” she said looking up at you, “he’s just trying to nail down her location.” It sunk in, that’s why you’re in training, you were expected to help him hunt down another force user, you felt dizzy. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I think I just need some fresh air.” The familiar crawling came back, Phasma raised an eyebrow.

“On a spaceship?” She said to your retreating form as you hurried out into the hallway searching for somewhere with a view port. By the time you found one the pain had started to bloom in your chest, your breath came in sharp gasps, and your skin felt hot, focusing you tried to control it. You wanted to scream and jump up and down but all you could do is look at the stars. You closed your eyes imagining the constellations above Agamar building them one at a time in your head but it didn’t work. You opened your eyes watching the stars sail past. You took calming breaths after a while the pain lessened and chills took over. You closed your eyes and pressed your face against the cold transparisteel of the viewport. When you finally stopped shaking you walked back into the dining hall finding Phasma still engrossed in her data pad. “Better?”

“Yes,” you murmured as you started eating your now cold meal. “Should we start weight training?” You asked changing the direction of the conversation.

Phasma looked up, “I had planned on it over the next few weeks, you need to get your muscles trained for strenuous activity again before starting that. Body weight will be enough for now.” You nodded, “I’m glad you’re taking the initiative.” She said with a hint of pride.

“I need to be ready for whatever is ahead,” she beamed, “I’m going to head to bed,” you said softly, she nodded, “see you at 0500,” you said as you walked away but then you turned, “but one question, where is the chronometer in my room?”

“There isn’t one but you should find a data pad in the drawer beside your bed, it has all the controls for your room including alarms and messaging.” You nodded and muttered your thanks, you had some work to do before you slept.

Arriving at your room you headed straight for the closet, it turned your stomach thinking that someone went through your foot locker and cataloged everything. Your hand smoothed over the lid, it didn’t seem as sacred as it had earlier. Opening it you found everything in its place, the black and silver hilt of your lightsaber glinting in the dim light. Grasping it you felt its weight in your palm, standing up you walked to the center of your room visually gauging your distance from all of the furniture, your thumb rested against the red ignition button, you closed your eyes and pressed down lightly,the familiar hum and snap of your blade igniting. Opening your eyes you stared at the brilliant cyan blade. Switching it off you opened the energy cell compartments inspecting the power field conductors and diatium power cell, no corrosion, smiling you switched it back on and experimentally spun it over your head. It still felt like a natural extension of your body lifting your thumb it extinguished itself. Returning to the closet you looked for a belt that could hold the lightsaber but you found that all of the belts Ben had provided had belt clips that would fit the wheel of your saber. Sighing you hung it from the belt, it felt right, like a piece of you had been returned. Unhooking the saber you slid it under your pillow.


	5. There is no passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren returns and the reader argues with a droid. I'm really terrible at summaries.

The next several days all passed by in much the same way, training, sparring and sleeping, each day left you more exhausted than the last. by day four you were sparring against the best of the stormtroopers and deflecting bolts from up to 10 stormtroopers at a time. As always Phasma watched from the sidelines, every movement cataloged in preparation for counter movements. You could feel her study you as you fought, her counters implemented slowly were effective even TW-2974 managed to land a pretty hard blow which made him the hero of the day. Phasma praised him for his actions all designed to take you down. It wasn’t personal and you shouldn’t hold it against her but you just didn’t have that knack.

You played nice and ate dinner with her every night, she wasn’t bad company, she really seemed to like you but you couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d kill you if ordered. Some of the other officers started joining you two, Lt Mitaka among them, although he kept his distance after he noticed the lightsaber hanging from your belt. You wondered if you made too quick a movement would he panic? Would he fire at you? Probably not, he looked terrified, they all did to be honest.

Surrounded but all alone, is this what Ben feels? Absolutely alone but surrounded by people who were terrified of him, he played into it of course, amping up the menace and hate so that even those without force abilities could feel it. Someone laughed, you’d been too lost in your own thoughts to hear the joke, but you smiled anyways, even though you were sure it resembled a predator baring its teeth to your current companions.

On the 5th day you were exhausted, Phasma had mixed in laps, you kept up with the troopers but you wondered if you could still force sprint, grinning you tapped into the force and felt your self propel forward gaining on the faster troopers you slowed again releasing the force, you kept alternating until you’d overtaken some of the faster troopers while laughing wildly. They were all past being impressed by you, most had moved on to begrudging respect but more than a few were just put off by you and the things you could do. You were about to circle the pack when you felt it, Ben had returned, you stopped dead on the track and the troopers scrambled to move around you. Walking slowly across the room you made your way to Phasma.

“Y/N!” She shouted, “Rejoin the ranks!” she began to say but her data pad beeped and she glanced at it. Cocking her helmet to the side, “I see, you’re requested on the flight deck, but I believe you already knew that.” You nodded, “I’ll be joining you in the welcome party.”

“How long do we have until they land?” You asked out of breath.

“Twenty minutes at most,” she looked you up and down, “Stop in the refresher and fix your hair,” she said coolly, “Don’t give me that look,” you could feel the smile behind her helmet. “Quickly now, we’ll only just make it.” You ran into the refresher and threw some water on your face and took down your hair smoothing it, using a towel you washed what you could without undressing. Gauging yourself presentable you hurried back out to her, “Much better, not quite a strappy dress but you’ll have Ren’s attention.” You scoffed, “Make all the faces you want, you’re good for him.”

“I don’t know what to say,” you were speechless. 

“I’ve known him for many years, I’ve never seen him the way he is when he’s with you.”

“I don’t think it's like that between us,” at least not any more, you thought, “I’m here to be his apprentice nothing more.”

“That’s a shame,” she said, you could feel her gaze on you, “I suppose I assumed there to be more than there is, but he’s mad if he doesn’t at least consider it. I wouldn’t kick you out of my bed.” You blushed a deep shade of red, which earned a chuckle from Phasma, “Fifteen minutes, let's go.”

When you arrived at the flight deck hundreds of stormtroopers were lined up in block formations, the number felt overwhelming, were they all on this ship? You felt dizzy at the the sight, Phasma seemed to puff up with pride, a black ship came through the magnetic shield, its two wings contracted as it landed folding completely once it touched down. The gangway dropped, steam hissed you could hear him before he emerged, boots thumping on the gangway then his presence washed over you. Tired, aggravated, disappointed, then his gaze passed over you, you felt a hitch and his mood lightened your own heart skipped a beat or three. He and three storm troopers crossed to the welcome party as a man in rich robes followed behind him he seemed to be complaining to anyone that would listen, the stormtroopers seemed annoyed as well as one hung back to listen to his complaints. 

“Welcome back Kylo Ren,” said Captain Phasma, he nodded to her, his gaze slid to you.

“Welcome back Master,” you said softly, you could feel his grin on the other side of the mask. 

“Senator Ro-Kiintor, this is Captain Phasma and my apprentice Y/N,” the senator nodded then turned to Ben.

“Where is General Hux, I had been assured he’d be here to welcome me.” 

“The General is attending other business but will be joining you this evening.” Captain Phasma said smoothly. Two black clad officers stepped up, “Lt Mitaka will escort you to your quarters,” Mitaka stepped up and bowed, his nerves looked shot, you could feel his general terror at the whole situation. Having you, Ben, and now a senator proved to be too much all at once for him. He led the senator away as the nameless officer followed close behind, the senator’s complaints could be heard until they left the landing bay. Your gaze remained on the door until Ben spoke up.

“I trust my apprentice has followed all of your commands Captain?”

“Yes, she has also made great progress, I wouldn’t mind continuing her physical training if you wish.” Phasma said with great measure of pride.

“Perhaps, however I have a specialized training regime I would like to start her on soon.” Phasma seemed disappointed. “Unless you’d like to continue training with the Captain?”

Realizing that they had both turned to you for an answer you stammered, “I’ll do whatever you decide is best sir.” You could feel Ben’s relief, Phasma felt slighted but didn’t’ show it.

“Follow me,” he said curtly. You turned and followed him from the flight deck back through the ship and onto a lift. He stayed silent, you worked on keeping your thoughts to yourself. “You’re quiet,” he said, his voice oddly soft through the modulator.

“I’m tired Ben,” he nodded.

When the lift stopped he led you back to the mediation practice room, you became uncomfortable, you didn’t know how much control you’d have after the beating you’d taken this week. He turned and removed the helmet. You heart jumped a little at the sight of his face without thinking you hugged him tightly. He didn’t react at first, but as the moment stretched into a few he slowly wrapped an arm around you and you fought back tears. Ben stiffened a little, his arm curling a little tighter. “Are you alright?” His voice soft, you shook a little.

“I’m sorry,” you said into his shoulder, “I just didn’t realize how lonely it was, without you here.” Luckily you were able to fight back tears.

“You missed me?” He sounded unsure, he felt surprised. You nodded, he pulled away a little, his hand tipping your chin up. “There’s a bruise on your jaw.”

“Training,” you said softly, he ran his thumb over it. 

“Has anyone been mean to you?” His voice turned a little sterner.

“No, they’ve treated me with respect.”

He stared down at you, “Phasma assured me of that.” He left a lot unspoken, but he seemed to pick up on your feelings. “I see,” he sighed. “Don’t let their fear get to you.” You nodded, you weren’t blocking your feelings as well as you had hoped. “Phasma says she saw progression,” he motioned to a cushion and you took a seat, “please tell me about it.”

“I have been working on awakening some of my abilities,” his head inclined.

“Which ones?” You breathed steadily,just talking about it shouldn’t trigger it, you took a few deep breaths.

“I force sprinted,” you said softly, he nodded, “I also used force push, I think I can force leap. I also managed restorative and healing meditations.”

This all seemed to please him, “Your anger?” You took a few more deep breaths.

“I kept it locked away I didn’t know...” You stopped looking down at your hands.

“You were afraid it would take control?” You nodded, “That was wise.” His gaze stayed on you, “You seem anxious.”

“I used too much of the force, it’s hard for me to keep the anxiety under control.” He reached out and took your hand, his thumb smoothing over your palm.

“It feels like crawling and tingling?” You nodded, he turned over your hand and tracing back of it. He pulled off his glove and repeated the action, you frowned. “Trust me,” he said softly, running his fingers over your wrist and forearm. "What do you fear when you use the force?”

“I don’t know, it just isn’t right to use it.” He rubbed a little harder his fingers applying a firm but gentle pressure. “It just feels like I need to keep it hidden.” A tear escaped your eye and rolled down your cheek.

“To stay safe?” He said, his voice gentle. You nodded, “You need to release those fears.” He pulled off his other glove and started to massage your other hand, working up your forearm, “Close your eyes, call upon your fears. Your fear of the force, the fear that you’ll be hunted for your abilities.” You shuddered at those words and the implications behind it. He stopped, “I didn’t hunt you.” Your eyes snapped open, “Close your eyes, call on your fears, I’m here to guide you through this,” your breathing became shallow, “don’t panic, breathe.” He had both of your hands in his, “focus on your fear,” you did it felt suffocating, you felt like it choked you, you gasped trying to pull your hands away. He held your hands tightly, “fight through it,” his voice firm, “trust me, you’re safe.”

You fought to breathe, you felt light headed, the fear crushing you, _hide you’ll be safe_ , you took a shaking deep breath and fought to focus, you felt safer, “Hide you’ll be safe.” You opened your eyes, “It's all I remember, since then any time I’ve called on the force or opened myself to it, it feels wrong.” 

He brushed your knuckles with his thumbs, “Where did you hear it?” You shook your head and shrugged. He sighed, “You need to release it, you’re making progress, the headaches are normal but the fear and the anxiety, it's not something you should feel. Did you feel it at the academy?”

You tried to remember but couldn’t quite remember, “It's all so fuzzy. I wasn’t strong enough or good enough to become a Jedi Knight, so I left.”

He seemed lost in thought his eyes closed for a few moments as if trying to call up memory, when he opened them his hazel eyes searched yours, “I don’t remember you being weak, the things you’ve been able to do without guidance this week shows your strength. You need to release this fear so that you can advance.”

“Ben,” you said softly, “I can’t do this.” You were shaking, his hands released you. Thinking that you had disappointed him your head hung low, instead he moved in front of you on his knees and took you into his arms, you sobbed hard and he held you against him allowing you to press your face against his neck as he cradled your head. When you stilled he pulled back.

“You’re exhausted,” you nodded wordlessly, “Phasma has pushed you too hard physically this week, I’m not sure that you’ve fully recovered from everything. Go to your quarters and rest, we’ll resume training tomorrow.” He didn’t release you immediately and you relaxed into his arms letting the stress and fear drain from you. You looked up at him, his face remained unreadable.He released you without warning and you stood, you wanted to speak but you didn’t have the words express your feelings, dejected you left the training room and headed to your quarters.

Sprawling out on your bed you laid there for a long time but sleep didn’t come. You sighed stretching out, you felt, well you weren’t sure how you felt. It was all too confusing. Why couldn’t you remember exactly what happened? Some things were fuzzy, but somethings weren’t. You could remember friendships and some of the training. Missions were a bit unclear, especially the last few months. You could remember leaving, it hurt a lot, you tried to remember the last day. You remember Ben talking to you but you couldn’t remember exactly what he had said. Where were you when you learned he died? You stayed in bed for days after finding out. You sighed, maybe you had brain damage? Your injuries had been pretty severe when they pulled you from the ship, you weren’t entirely sure how long you’d been in bacta or even the extent of the repair they had done.

You were trying to make sense of it when pain ripped through your chest, you grunted fighting the urge to scream you panted loudly. You sat up, nothing seemed to hurt when the pain ripped through you again, you made a strangled noise, your skin didn’t hurt, but you could feel pain. You took a deep breath, after a few moments when the pain hit you you could withstand it knowing it didn’t originate from you. Where did it come from, you reached out trying to find the origin of the pain as the next wave hit you, two decks down and one section over, close to the practice room. You stretched out further, “Ben,” you said out loud.

Walking through the halls you tried to sense him, the pain had gotten worse and you could feel the terror rolling off of him. Finally you found his quarters, you could hear muffled sounds from the other sides but the door panel remained locked, frantic you looked around, a service droid turned the corner, “You droid! Unlock this panel,” it beeped a response, “Yes I know whose quarters this is,” it gave a low response, “I'm afraid there might be a medical emergency.” It rocked back and forth nervously, “if it's not a medical emergency I won’t tell him who opened the door,” it argued,”Well what happens if he finds out you could have let me in but you refused and it is an emergency?” It clicked and booped nervously, “I’m sure he won’t think twice about slicing up a droid.” It seemed to shudder with terror then beeped a rude response before extending its probe and unlocking the door. It turned and fled squealing about how you were going to be deactivated by Kylo Ren for disturbing his charging cycle.

You stepped in, it wasn’t completely dark, “Ben,” you said softly but you heard a groan from the bed and a fresh wave of pain hit you.You walked over to him and sat down beside him he whimpered as his head moved back and forth.You touched his shoulder and you got a flash of an older man speaking to him, he looked dead, something about him looked too familiar. He had Ben’s features, the realization shocked you, snapping out of it you shook him, “Ben wake up,” he moaned loudly as he gasped more pain hit you, you gritted your teeth, “Ben!” You said bracing through the pain,”Wake up!” You force nudged him a little harder than necessary. He sat up suddenly,his pupils large in the low light sweat running down his face, “You were having a nightmare, it wasn’t real.” You stroked his face, he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face against your chest and sobbed, you held him close and hummed to him as you leaned back against the wall. His breathing slowed and he slipped back into sleep, but then again he hadn’t really woken up. He usually didn’t, if he did it got worse, he’d go for days not sleeping.

It was reminiscent of your days at the academy. You continued to hum for a while longer just in case he started to stir again. Once he started snoring lightly you tried to slip out but he had a death grip on your arm and shirt. Sighing you settled in, you weren’t going anywhere until he woke up or rolled over. You ran your fingers through his hair and he sighed softly, pressing his face against you. His arm tightened around you, after a while the warmth of his body and the sound of his breathing lulled you to sleep.


	6. There is Serenity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boundaries are crossed then reaffirmed.

“Y/N?” Your eyes snapped open, Ben’s face hovered in front of yours, his brow furrowed, “What are you doing here?”  


Slowed by sleep and the fuzzy remembrance of a dream you struggled to explain, “Ben?” He frowned, “You were having a nightmare, I thought thought you were dying. You were in so much pain and your dream-”  


“Get out,” he said it softly, you tried to move but his arms were still wrapped around you his weight pinning you to the bed.  


“I can’t move,” you replied softly. He stared for a long time before releasing you. You stretched stiff muscles and several bones popped loudly then swung your legs over the side of the bed as you pushed off to leave but he grabbed your wrist, “Ben?”

“You should leave,” he said, his eyes looked conflicted.  


“Do you want me to leave?”  


“It doesn’t matter what I want,” he said more to himself than to you, “you should leave,” he released your wrist. You sighed and stalked towards the door. “Wait,” he said, his voice sounded fragile. “I want, “ you turned he looked vulnerable and scared, “I...” his words fell off, “leave.” 

You pressed the door panel and started walking back to your room. Filled with frustration over Ben you could feel the anger building inside. His years of isolation had left him so closed off that he couldn’t- but you let that thought die you knew that wasn’t it.  


Immediately you thought of the story he had told you about the pet. You closed your eyes and leaned against the wall, Ben kept himself away to protect you. You drew a ragged breath, you’d forgotten where you are and who he had become. Since the revelation of his identity you had treated him as if he were the Ben Solo you knew, not the man he had become, you hadn’t even uttered his assumed name or Jedi Killer since then.  


Who were you going to become if you stayed with him? If you stayed here? You shook all over, they wanted you to hunt others like you. Even as a jedi you knew of the possibility of hunting down other force sensitives, who had lost their way, who had turned, but the instructors and Master Luke had made it clear that anyone could come back from the darkness. Even Vader had in the end. How far would you go to bring him back? You pushed off the wall and made your way back to your room. Collapsing onto your bed and cried, it seemed to be your new constant. 

Falling back into an uneasy sleep you dreamed of a smoldering fire that rose higher the closer you came to it. The flames started dancing and spreading consuming everything. Leaving nothing but ruins as the wall of flame surrounded you pressing closer on all sides. You could feel it--the fear--paralyzing you. _Focus on your anger._ You heard the voice from somewhere trembling as the heat of the flame grew closer licking your garments and hair. _Use it._ You focused on the fear turning it to anger, you could feel the heat from within growing larger than the wall of the flames. _Command it._ The anger and hate burned in you, lifting your arms you pushed back against the flame with your hate. At first it didn’t move but then it shrieked and fell back, you cut a path through it. _That’s it, extinguish it!_ You could feel it, you had the power to do it! You walked forward pressing the flame back bending it to your will. The walls of the flame shifted making an illuminated path, leading back through the void. In the distance you saw a temple bathed in flame. _Find it._ Clenching your hands into fists you began walking toward it.  


“Y/N!!!!” Something shook your body and you pushed against it hard with the force. Something large thudded against the wall and your eyes snapped open.  


“Lights,” you shouted, and the lights in your quarters blinked on. You squinted against the sudden brightness. Ben pushed himself up off the floor where he had hit the wall. You scrambled out of bed to help him, but he held up a hand.  


“You were having a nightmare,” he said softly standing in front of you, “it felt like you were being attacked,” he crouched down looking into your eyes, “are you okay?”  


Your heart threatened to beat through your chest, “I’m okay,” your hand caressed his cheek, “I didn’t mean to,” you said softly.  


“You were terrified, “ he watched you, “what did you dream about?.”  


Shuddering you looked down, “Flames, they wanted to consume me.” As your voice started to shake he moved beside on the bed. You leaned against him as his arm curled around you.  


“I’m here,” he said softly.  


“A voice spoke to me from the void,” you could feel the hairs on his neck raise.  


“What did it say?”  


“It guided me,” you said uncomfortably, “it told me to channel my fear and anger,” he shifted, “Ben I controlled the flames.” A sob escaped you lips.  


“Did you see anything else?” Closing your eyes you concentrated but the dream had already began to fade.  


“A temple in flames or made of flames, it wanted me to find it.”  


“The voice?” You nodded and Ben frowned his arm tightening protectively around you as his concern washed over you, “I’ll need to consult the Supreme Leader about this,” his eyes were worried.  


“It was just a bad dream Ben.” You said softly looking up at him.  


“I’m not so sure it was just a dream,” he his hand had a slight tremor to it, “if you saw the temple would you know it?”  


You shuddered, “Yes.”  


His jaw clenched and unclenched a few times. “If you have the dream again, do you think you can look for terrain? Something we can search for?”  


“Again?” You felt gooseflesh rise all over your skin, he turned stroking your face.  


“If it’s a vision…” he trailed off, “if it is a vision, you may have it multiple times.” He took a breath and stood moving towards the viewport he said, “The force is guiding you: it took you away from your home the day it was attacked, it guided you to the right ship, it led you here.” He turned extending a hand to you, crossing to him you took it. He pulled you close against himself, “Don’t be frightened, you won’t face this alone,” something had shifted in him. His tenderness caught you off guard, you were lost in thought when his lips met yours. It built slowly into passion as his hands pressed into your back, you gasped breaking the kiss. He pressed you against the viewport, “Don’t block your thoughts.” He looked scared and desperate, he kissed you again his tongue slipping out seeking entrance.  


“I’m not blocking my thoughts,” you whispered against his lips your hands gliding over his back clad in a soft sleep shirt, “I-” you gasped again as his hands came to your bottom and lifted you to the ledge of the viewport, he slipped between your legs pressing against you,”Ben,” his lips found your neck. “Ben, slow down,” you were panting but he didn’t pull back for a few moments his lips finding that spot that sent tingles through your limbs. Then his his kisses softened as he pulled back his eyes met yours. You struggled to drop your barriers, to let him in.  


He rested his forehead against yours, “Release your fears,” he kissed you softly his hands sliding up your sides resting just below your breasts, “we need the guidance of the Supreme Leader, he will help us find our way.” His blind faith scared you.  


“If that was a vision, it didn’t come from the light side of the force.” He paused his hands lowered to the hem of your shirt his fingers dancing over the skin there, you sighed and rested your head against his shoulder.  


“Do you still feel the light?” His fingers were inching up claiming more skin, your mind raced.  


“S-s-sometimes,” you said fighting for your voice, “Mmm,” he started drawing circles on your lower back, “I can’t.” A soft moan escaped your lips. “You’re going to have to stop t-t-that if you want me to talk.” His fingers stilled his hands resting against your skin. “Thank you,” you shifted against him raising your head from his shoulder trying to regain some composure. “I can feel it sometimes, when the anger isn’t overwhelming I can feel it in the background. Mostly when I’m by myself and I can focus.”  


“Since I’ve been back,” he paused as if trying to steady himself, “you’ve been blocking me,” he said.  


“Not you,” stroking his face you whispered, “I’ve been blocking everyone else, I can’t, I can’t take their fear, their unease,” you looked down, “I understand now, why you wear that helmet. It helps you separate yourself from them. “ His fingers tightened against you pulling you closer, “I never meant to block you, it's just reflex-”  


His mouth covered yours and you felt another barrier in him drop, you felt his passion, his admiration, and his desperation to protect you. It melted your fears and you gave into him completely his hands resumed their course slipping higher, “Raise your arms,” he whispered as he peeled your shirt up and off tossing it to the floor. He gazed at you longingly, “You’re beautiful.” He said it with such conviction you believed it, he pulled his shirt up and over his own head and let it drop to the floor. His hands slid up your thighs to the waistband of your pants and started uniting the lacing, his mouth sought yours again as his teeth nipped your lower lip. You moaned softly as your fingers ran over the dozens of uniform scars on his arms, _Ben Solo felt so much_ , echoed through your mind and you shuddered. You caught sight of a leather bracelet circling his wrist, your eyes snapped forward. He pulled back to say something when his communicator went off, swearing he dug through his pockets trying to find it. “What!?” He said tersely his free hand tracing your lips.  


“You’re wanted in the projection room,” you felt his body go rigid, “the Supreme Leader requests your presence Ren.” Phasma sounded tense.  


“I'll be there as quickly as I can Captain.” He clicked off the communicator and leaned in kissing you softly, “we’ll continue this when I ret-”  


Your view screen started ringing, you stared at it and then back to him, he gestured to the view screen and you clamored to put your top back on before answering, Ben stepped to the side just out of sight. “Y/N,” Captain Phasma said her lack of helmet put you at ease, “You’re requested in the projection room if you don’t know-” Ben sighed and stepped forward as he pulled his shirt back on.  


“I’ll escort her down.”  


Phasma smirked, “Make sure you’re both properly attired,” Ben rolled his eyes and turned off the screen, he then took your data pad and furiously started entering commands.  


“I’ll have a droid bring my garments here,” he said, “find something appropriate.” Opening the closet you started looking.  


“Appropriate?” You chewed nervously on your lip as his arm snaked around you.  


“You don’t have to wear anything revealing,” he said, there was almost a chuckle in his tone, “although it wouldn’t hurt,” you elbowed him but he caught it pulling you against him, “wear that one,” he whispered in your year, your gaze following his to a black robe with black and gray garments.  


“That doesn’t look like more than a crop top and tight pants,” you said your face growing warm as his hands traveled down your body.  


“It covers more than that dress did,” you were in full blush now.  


“Who picked it out,” you said running your hands over the fabric, it felt soft yet resilient.  


“I did,” he said nipping your neck drawing a yelp from you, “you needed to have free movement.” His hands left you as the droid entered and he began dressing in his own robes.  


You pulled your top off and then your bra, you could feel Ben’s gaze on you, “Avert your eyes,” you said playfully over your shoulder.  


“Never,” he said staring at your back, “Turn around,” he said softly.  


“Later, we’re expected,” he frowned but nodded, and finished pulling on his pants and slipping his suspenders over his shoulders, “Suspenders?” you said jokingly.  


“Freedom of movement,” he said almost shyly.  


You chuckled and pulled the top on, it ended just before your belly button but offered more support than you expected and pulled on the pants, they were tight, black, and almost shimmered slipping a belt through the loops you attached the light saber. Looking in the mirror you weren’t convinced, “I don’t see where it would offer any protection.”

Ben came up behind you his hand splayed across your stomach, “You won’t need any once your training is finished,” you leaned against him.

“I don’t look like a Jedi,” you said softly, you looked sith but it didn’t unnerve you as much as it should have.

“You were never meant to be a jedi,” he said his eyes were full of lust and pride, the comment should have upset you but somewhere deep within you it resonated. “Come on,” he said taking your hand as you swept up the black robe, “We’re expected.”

As you walked through the corridors you took down your hair with the intention of pulling it back up, but Ben shook his head, “Keep it down,” his voice cool through the modulator, his gloved finger stroked a lock, “it’s better down.” Coming to the projection room he pressed the panel, and the door slid open, “Stay close,” he said stepping through.

The projection of the Supreme Leader seemed impossibly large, for a moment you wondered if he is human or some giant race, but you knew it was just a projection. Phasma stood in her dress blacks instead of her chrome battle wear as did General Hux, the Senator Ro-Kiintor stood in his rich robes, all three heads turned as you walked to the platform.

“Supreme Leader,” Ben said reverently bowing deeply, “May I present my apprentice, Y/N.”

“Come forward,” he said, his voice sounded gravelly yet almost entrancing.

You stepped forward, pulling up your guard and putting on a calm and superior facade, “Supreme Leader,” you said bowing gracefully.

“Stand before me child,” he said. You straightened and stepped to the front of platform. It's a holo-platform you realized. “I sense power in you,” his hand rose as if he could divine through the projection, “power long forgotten.” He looked to Ben, “The Senator has been gracious to grant you use of his summer home on Hevurion, it is isolated, so none shall interfere with your apprentice’s training.”

“Thank you Supreme Leader,” he bowed again.

“Leave us,” the voice coming from the projection seemed to vibrate the room, Phasma and Hux, turned to leave but the Senator remained until Phasma dragged him behind her, you started to step off the platform but Ben caught your arm and shook his head. You came to his side. “What is it that you have to tell me Kylo Ren?”

“I need your guidance Supreme Leader.” he said softly, he removed the helmet, “My apprentice has had a vision.”

The Supreme Leader’s focus switched to you, “What did you see?” Taking a deep breath you willed the tremors out of your voice, you told him about the flames, “And you controlled them in the vision?”

“Yes, they led me to a temple bathed in flame in the distance, then the voice,” you tried not to shudder, “told me to find it.”

He sat back, his expression unreadable, “Ren, have you had this vision?” Ben stiffened, you weren’t sure if it was the informal tone or the question that caught him off guard.

“No Supreme Leader but I saw part of it when I woke her.” His jaw clenched.>/p>

The Supreme Leader grunted, “How many times have you had this vision?”

“Just once Supreme Leader,” you focused on the floor

The supreme leader nodded, “The vision is leading you, Y/N. You must find this temple.”

“Yes Supreme leader,” you said softly.

“This worries you child?” He said his voice growing deeper, you were near tears but remained composed. “You can be truthful.”

“I’m worried about what I’m going to become?” Your gaze never left the floor.

“You’re going to become more powerful than you ever imagined,” his gaze felt like burned, finally your raised your eyes to meet the projection. “With my guidance you and Ren are going to bring order and peace to the galaxy. Someday you’ll weigh your actions and find that the price is worth it.”

“I hope that’s true,” you felt a single tear slip from your eye, you moved to wipe it away but Ben’s reached it first.

>

“Be careful of your sentiment, your previous relationship puts you in a dangerous position.” Ben stiffened, “Don’t forget the lessons you’ve learned Ren.”

“I won’t Supreme Leader,” you felt fear and anger radiate from Ben.

“I expect great things from you Y/N, disappointment is not an option.” The projection trembled then stopped abruptly. You heard Ben release a breath.

“We have work to do,” he said, his voice flat through the modulator, but he offered his arm to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a bit to write. I aggonized a bit on howfar to take things between Ren and the Reader, and I came up wiht some pretty pg13 smut for now. I hope you enjoy it.


	7. There is No Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training gets underway in earnest, your limits get pushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so incredibly sorry that this chapter has taken so long. Real life got in the way: my sister is getting married so a lot of free time has been focused there making decorations etc and my cat broke my laptop screen. I am currently writing this on my tv screen via an HDMI cord, but c'est la vie? Enjoy!
> 
> As for the chapter it's a little longer than the last few and it's a little bit steamier. I'm still a little apprehensive when it comes to writing the smut so please let me know if it's something you'd like to see more of.

There Is No Chaos

* * *

* * *

 Concentrating on a duracrete bollard you extended your hand willing it to lift as sweat rolled down your neck and dripped onto the ornate pavers of the courtyard. Closing your eyes you imagined the bollard surrounded by the force lifting effortlessly but it remained obstinately stationary. Between the heat and failure you were in a terrible mood, cursing lowly you imagined the bollard crumpling and pieces of the thing scattering all around. Then you heard a pop as a chunk of it did just that, parts of it flew at you striking your leg. As you limped around cursing you picked up a chunk and threw it back at the bollard your anger flared and you imagined it shooting off into space, the bollard shimmied and hovered for a few moments before landing just off its base and toppling.

“Meditate, purify your anger so you can focus.” You shot Ben a murderous glance, your fingers twitched angrily. “Now,” he said calmly. You were pretty sure he had climate control in that kriffing helmet, if not he apparently had ascended beyond human needs. You lowered yourself into a meditative position, legs tucked, hands resting on thighs. You dealt with everything but anger. Dismissing the disappointment, heat, and the general failure you’d been all morning as drew in hate and anger that you couldn’t control one bollard.

Not twenty minutes ago Ben had lifted three of them in an angering show of adeptness as he switched them around before resettling them on their bases. When you’d collected enough anger to make your hands shake you stood and stretched out your hand to the bollard, it lifted shakily into the air raising to about 5 foot hovering there. You still wanted it to shatter but you exercised control feeling the force flow through you. “Move it around,” he said. You made it tumble end over end a few times. “Pick up a second one.” You glared at him but attempted to do it.

A second bollard shimmied and started to move off its base. You closed your eyes and concentrated until your temples ached, when you opened them the second bollard had joined the first in the air hovering just a few feet off the ground. “Now a third,” your anger flared white hot and you smacked them together with a deafening crack as both shattered into fist sized chunks exploding outward cracking a nearby statue. A few other pieces landed in the fountain with loud thunks. “Are you done with your tantrum?” He asked sounding bored.

You turned on him, “I.AM.DOING.THE.BEST.I.CAN.BEN.SOLO!!!”

“Then show me your best. AGAIN!” He shouted, the modulator distorted his yell.

You were shaking all over but you didn’t turn around to face the bollards, stretching out you lifted three and made them orbit the courtyard. You picked up a bench, a lawn sculpture and statues throwing them into your small solar system, some going in opposite directions threatening to smack together with each pass. “IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?” You roared a few started tumbling in their orbit raising and lowering to bypass other debris you’d picked up, chunks of the shattered bollards joined forming and asteroid belt between you and Ben.

“Impressive,” he said extending only one hand and all of it fell to the ground with a loud crash. “Now, face me,” he said coolly igniting his saber. You snarled and called to yours with the force, it flew to your hand from the garden wall.

“Where do you want a new scar Kylo Ren?” You felt him smirk and you ran at him hard determined to wipe it off his face. There was a loud buzz and hiss as the sabers connected, “You’ll be lucky if that mess of circuits doesn’t explode in your hands.” You taunted as he parried and pushed you back with the force.

“You’re quite angry,” you could feel his grin and it made you angrier, you felt hot all over.

“You’re going to regret that grin.” You pushed him hard with the force and dove at his feet knocking him off balance but he jumped backwards flipping lithely to the garden wall.

“If only you could do this while calm,” his sarcasm burned through you. You were going to burn him or dismember him, you hadn’t really decided which.

“I heard that,” he said lifting one leg gracefully into a mock meditative pose, “If you can burn me I’ll take you swimming in the lake this afternoon.”

“Say goodbye to your left hand Solo.” You said darkly as you stalked towards him force pushing him hard off the wall and penning him to the ground he tried to fight back. You pushed him down hard with your knee. “Above or below the wrist Ben?”

“You won’t take the whole hand,” he said calmly. He was right but he didn’t have to be so smug about it you mused jabbing at his arm lightly making him howl in pain.

“Find your bathing suit Solo.” You said angrily dropping your lightsaber on his chest then stalked away.

Half an hour later he entered your room dressed in trunks and a tank top with a bacta plaster on his upper arm. He had a towel slung over his shoulders, he could almost pass for a tourist except for the scowl darkening his features. You turned to face him, “I’m not wearing these strings.” Motioning towards the bikini you’d found in your clothes.

“I don't’ see a problem with it,” his eyes swept over you appreciatively, it made you pause. In the month since coming to Heuveron Ben hadn’t so much as glanced your way.

“Yours covers more,” you narrowed your eyes at him.

“Next time you can pick one that better suits your tastes,” he said softly, “but believe me this one covers just enough.” You threw your towel at him and he caught it.

Later when you were lounging in the water the anger finally left and you regretted burning Ben. After swimming back to shore you found him engrossed in a data pad, you dropped down beside him and laid your head in his lap, he gasped, “that water is freezing,” he said but he didn’t push you away.

“When you said you’d take me swimming I thought you’d actually swim with me.” He looked down at you over the edge of the data pad.

“I didn’t say I’d get in,” he said softly returning to his work.

“I’m sorry for the things I said Ben,” he peeked at you again a hint of surprise in his eyes.

“I taunted you until you were furious, you showed real improvement today, don’t apologize,” but his eyes betrayed his feelings.

“How’s the arm?” You asked sitting up tentatively touching the bandage, he shrank back a little.

“It's still tender,” he glanced at you, “but it's healing.” His gaze lingered on your lips and then came back to your eyes.

“I’m sorry I burned you Ben,” it hurt that you’d lost control like that. “I don’t know what came over me. I can’t believe I wanted to hurt you like that.”

He chuckled softly, the corner of his mouth drawing up into a crooked grin, your heart fluttered, “I’m just surprised you actually did it. You pinned me today, that’s the first time you’ve overpowered me.” He looked pleased, “Now you just need to learn to control your abilities so you can do this without having to be pushed to the edge.” You nodded and leaned against him but he stiffened, you were back to square one.

Slipping your hand into his you steeled yourself, “What happened Ben?” Your other hand stroked the matching leather bracelet he wore. He glanced at both touching as your arms twisted around each other.

“To keep my promise, I have to stay aloof, I can’t be Ben Solo.” You looked at him, puzzled. “I take my oaths seriously, I took my oath to protect you long before I swore an oath of fealty to The First Order.”

Your fingers trailed over the braid, “Have you ever taken it off?” He shook his head, “Me either, well not willingly,” you said remembering your time in the tank, you shuddered, his arm curled around you reflexively. “I took an oath that night too,” you said softly your head rested against his shoulder.

“I...” he made a noise of discomfort, “you heard what he said.” His breath became shaky, “The training itself, it's going to be brutal, we haven’t even scratched the surface of everything I’m going to have to put you through.” Tears were starting to stain his eyes, “If I let my sentiment get in the way,” he shuddered and you wrapped your arms around him.

“I can take it,” he shook his head, “I can.”

“You don’t understand,” he took a breath to steady himself, “part of your training,” he stroked your face, “I’m going to have to do terrible things to you.” In this moment, he was Ben, “I can’t do it to you, I-I-I-” you kissed him softly.

“Shhh,” you whispered, “That’s the sentiment that he’s talking about, he’s afraid that if we’re close you won’t be able to do what you have to.” His eyes were unsure, “I can take whatever it is. Ben,” your voice became firmer, “trust me,” he pressed his forehead against yours. “We have to be strong, we’re always stronger together.” He nodded.

“We’re stronger together,” he said. He pulled you into his lap. He stroked your face mournfully, “We’ll start tomorrow then,” he sighed, “training is going to intensify physically and mentally.”

“We’ll deal with that tomorrow,” you kissed him again, “today, we’re going to swim.”

“No,” he said softly, almost pouting, “every time we swim you dunk me.”

“I will not dunk you.” You said smiling.

“You’re a terrible liar,” he said nuzzling your neck, “eventually we’ll have to do something about that.”

“I won’t dunk you Ben.” You said suddenly serious.

He sighed, “It’s freezing.” He stated eyeing the lake suspiciously.

“It isn’t so bad if you get your body wet all at once.” His eyes narrowed but he finally gave in, you jumped up pulling his hand to help him up. “There’s an incredible abundance of force power in the water.”

He perked up, “What does it feel like?” You could feel his curiosity increase the closer you came to the water’s edge. Toeing the water experimentally he shuddered, “That is colder than I thought it would be,” he looked at you. You winked and took off running into the water jumping and diving under, he sighed and followed suit cursing loudly as he broke the surface. You giggled and splashed him.

“It’s not that bad Ben, come on follow me, the swimming will warm you up.” He grumbled but followed until you came back to the area just before the wooden paddock, you slowed and closed your eyes. “Do you feel that?”

He floated beside you, his limbs outstretched, “I’ve never felt anything like it,” you glanced at him. He grinned and closed his eyes looking content.

“It feels like...” You trailed off trying to describe how it felt.

“Home, like fulfillment,” he said softly. He opened his eyes and watched you levitate a large globe of water from the lake, a small fish darted back and forth breaking through the bubble and jumped back into the lake. He grinned, “I didn’t know you could still do that.”

“Neither did I,” you smiled and passed him the globe, the globe quivered but he quickly caught it adjusting his movements. He watched the glimmering ball of water moving it back and forth and eventually passed it back to you. Raising it high up you controlled it as long as you could until it reached the edge of your influence and willed it to burst. The droplets shimmered all around like tiny prisms as they rejoined the water. It all seemed so magical, like no time had passed between you. You floated just enjoying each others company until your skin started to prune.

You grinned turning to him, he started to ask a question you but you grabbed him and dunked him suddenly, he came up scowling, “I dunked Kylo Ren,” you said giggling, “ I only promised not to dunk you Ben,” he seized you wrenching a squeal from your throat and dunked you forcefully. It didn’t phase you, you came up giggling, “Come on, let's go rest over there,” you said smiling.

The pair of you swam to the paddock, the warm wood felt fantastic against your chilly skin, you started rubbing your hands against Ben’s arms to warm him but he pulled you close pinning you against the wood. “I’ve missed you,” he said softly, trailing kisses along your jaw and down your neck, the force seemed to surge around you, “I,” he seemed afraid smothering whatever confession he had started to make against your lips. You felt the change in him, since the lakeshore he seemed more his old self. You realized the energy that surrounded both of you could only come from the light side of the force, you reveled in his kisses as your hands searched his chilled flesh. His smile seemed brighter than the sunlight.

“I’ve missed you too Ben,” you said softly as he nipped your throat turning your words into soft moans. His fingers grasped the strings to your top pulling gently until they untied. “Ben,” you warned, but he captured your lips as he removed the garment. He palmed your breasts and you arched into his touch. He pressed against you, his penning you with his weight. The sensation had you gasping against his lips.

He pulled back, “Do you want me to stop?” His knee pressed between your thighs making you moan while pressing against it.

“No,” you panted pulling his face back to yours, he chuckled.

“Are you sure?” His focus switched to the tight nub of your nipple, his mouth searing the cold flesh. “I doubt we’ll be interrupted out here.”

Your hands went to the band of his shorts as you started tugging them down, he grinned helping you push them down and off his legs. He started slow, kissing and moving against you, slipping lower and lower, his lips brushing your chin, your neck, and collarbone. He stopped for a long while at your breasts, slowly sucking and nipping at first one breast then the other until you were whimpering. His hands slid lower finding the strings of your bikini bottom, pulling them slowly as he worked his way down your abdomen, kissing the space below your belly button then he seized the top of the bottoms between his teeth. He started pulling them down agonizingly slow smiling up at you when he froze, then you felt it too.

He cursed loudly pulling his trunks back on as he passed you the bikini top. You tried but couldn’t get the strings tied, he slapped your hands away and began tying your top as you re-tied the bottoms. He scowled, after assuring your top had been tied securely he said, “come on,” and dived off the platform, you followed him swimming as quickly as you could. It would be close but you might be able to beat the shuttle as it dropped from the atmosphere. You didn’t recognize all of the signatures but one looming and powerful signature could only be the Supreme Leader. You ran at top speed behind Ben towards the estate force sprinting in bursts. “Change into something suitable,” he yelled over his shoulder as he ran to his room.

Skidding to a stop at the closet you pulled out one of the cropped battle wear Ben seemed fond of in dark red and slipped into a pair of black scaly leather pants that shimmered in the light. The back of the top seemed to be all strings but somehow the front had support and held your bust in place. You looked in the mirror, it made you look like a warrior from some wild world, you pulled your hair back away from your face with clips and left the back down, the lake water making it curl dramatically.

You walked into the hall the same time as Ben, he stopped his breath catching, “Impressive,” he said softly and you blushed. He’d changed into long black robes with dark red stripes along the hems. His own pants seemed to be made of a similar reptilian scaled leather.

“We match,” you said, he nodded and extended his arm to you. You linked yours through his and calmed yourself pulling up every mental guard you’d developed over the last few weeks.

“Don’t be nervous,” he said softly, “Likely he’s just dropping into see your progress.” Ben carried his helmet under his arm but didn’t put it on.

As the shuttled lowered in the courtyard several signatures began standing out, Captain Phasma’s among them. The Supreme Leader’s signature loomed from behind the gangway. The Hatch hissed and lowered Ben bowed deeply coming to one knee, you followed suit lowering your head and kneeling beside him.

“Rise Kylo Ren, “ the Supreme Leader said, his focus turned to you, “And Y/N, rise my child.” You rose slowly bringing your eyes up last. You steeled yourself, not allowing your hands to tremble. “Quite beautiful and fierce,” you inclined your head to accept the compliment. “Ren’s reports say you’re making more progress than he expected.”

“Yes Supreme Leader,” you said softly.

“Do you still doubt your abilities?”

“With your guidance, I doubt nothing Supreme Leader.” Ben’s coaching had paid off as you parroted the response but you were afraid to meet his eyes.

“Kylo Ren is teaching you well,” you felt his fingers touch your chin lifting it, “While I’m here I will instruct you myself.” You trembled slightly cursing yourself as you did. “You’re right to fear me.” It was a simple statement but it sent your heart plummeting.

“Ren,” he said sharply, “Show me to my rooms I wish to rest before dinner.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” he led the Snoke into the Villa towards the master bedroom.

You turned to Phasma, “I’m so happy to see you Captain.” She pulled you into a tight hug.

“As I am to see you Y/N,” She eyed your appearance, “Something you picked out?”

“Hardly, Master Ren has yet to take me shopping, I’m still wearing the things he purchased.” You blushed.

“They suit you,” she said appreciatively. “Y/N this is our lead interrogation specialist Doctor Brandar Leobla,” he bowed.

“Welcome to Hevurion,” you said almost extending your hand but remembered the First Order members were rarely receptive to it.

“My pleasure,” he said, his cool demeanor set you on edge, “I can’t wait to begin your interrogation training.”

Your stomach turned slightly, Ben had warned you many unpleasant and horrible things awaited you, “I hear your training is the best,” you lied meeting his eyes.

“My reputation precedes me I see,” he seemed placated.

A servant of the villa appeared, they shifted uneasily, “Please show the new guests to their rooms,” the servant seemed unsettled by all of the unannounced visitors but she showed the Brandar and a few of the others to rooms on the other side of the villa.

“You can have your pick,” You said to Phasma, she pulled off her helmet wiping her brow.

“Thank you, any rooms the coolest? This planet is unbearably hot.”

“They all have climate control, the rooms with lake views are the coolest. Master Ren and I have rooms in that wing.”  
“We’ve brought a few storm troopers a few more will land to guard the perimeter later,” You nodded and motioned to another servant.

“Yes Ma’am?” he said his eyes cast down. 

“Please show Captain Phasma’s troopers to their bunks so they can rest.” He nodded and the five storm troopers followed him, one’s gaze remained on you for an uncomfortable moment you recognized his presence, “Good to see you again TW-2974,” the trooper stiffened then nodded, you could feel the unease roll off of him as he hurried to catch up with the other troopers.After a month of only seeing the odd scurrying servant you’d forgotten what it would be like to be surrounded by people who were terrified of you. “Let me show you the wing, you can have your pick of those rooms Phasma.” She nodded and followed you making small talk.

“This is perfect,” she said taking in the room, a droid followed behind bringing in a large chest. She walked out onto the balcony, “That lake is gorgeous, is it safe to swim in?”

“Very safe, only small fish and no apparent predators,” she grinned.

“In this heat that will be refreshing, do you enjoy swimming Y/N?”

“Very much so,” you didn’t realize how much you had missed Phasma, despite her calculating nature she made easy company. “How long will you be staying?”

“I’m not sure, the Supreme Leader requested I accompany him, I believe we’ll be here a few days, he wants to get a clear picture of where you are in your training.” You nodded, “Don’t be frightened, he’ll guide you and make you a better warrior for it.” Phasma started stripping off her armor, when she motioned to you. It took a while but with your help she finally shed some of the larger pieces. She sighed finally getting down to the under suit and she quickly sloughed it off and slipped into a light robe as the droid hung up her clothes. “Besides, I believe he’s going to be giving you and Ren a mission to complete when he leaves.”

You felt cold, you knew it would be the temple. He expected you to find it, “Do you know what it will be?”

“He didn’t say.” she said idly toying with a few outfits, “but I’m sure it will be challenging for you both, testing your ability to work together. He’s excited to have two enforcers, I know that much, he has big plans for you two.” She pulled out a dress, “What do you think of this one?”

“It's lovely,” it was sheer black lace.

“What are you wearing for dinner?” You shrugged, you and Ren hadn’t really seen much of each other after training sessions today had been an exception. You either ate quickly in the kitchen or he had servants bring trays to your rooms, normally you both were exhausted after training. “Come on, show me,” you motioned to what you had on. “That’s training or mission wear, let’s see what you have.” She grabbed your hand and drug you to your room across the hall.

“I didn’t think about dinners being events,” you said softly as Phasma pulled out several candidates. “This one,” she said softly, it was black silk at the top that faded into a light gray at the bottom held together by black metallic clasps, “the slits here,” she pointed to the slits at the sides and front, “will make it billow as you walk.” She then dug out a belt and a strapless bra. “yes, this with your black cloak over it, that will look downright regal.” You both turned at a soft knock at the door.

“Ren!” she said, pulling him into a hug, “I’m just helping her pick out an outfit for tonight, what will be having?” 

Ben stared at you as you fingered the fine silk, “I spoke to the head of servants, he thinks he can pull together a meal worthy of the Supreme Leader tonight, but he’ll need to do shopping tomorrow to continue to produce grander fare for him. He’s going to surprise us, apparently Ro-Kinntor mentioned a few of the Supreme Leader’s favorites to him when he told him we’d be staying here for a while. Is that what you’re wearing tonight?” He asked softly.

“I think so, Phasma is helping me pick out something appropriate,” He walked over and inspected the fabric.

“Bit more conservative than your usual tastes, isn’t it Phasma?” She grinned.

“We’ll your apprentice likes a bit more coverage I’ve noticed, besides it's a show of respect, I plan on being less flamboyant tonight as well, the Supreme Leader does like conservative dinners.” She winked and sauntered out of the room, “I’ll leave you two for now, as I understand it we interrupted some very important training.”

You blushed scarlet, Ben went red from ear tips to toes, “Later,” you said softly looking at the garments before you.

Ben brushed your hair over your shoulder, “He knew what we were doing,” he kissed your neck softly, “don’t try to hide anything from him. He hasn’t forbidden,” he paused, “he hasn’t forbidden us so far, he said if it pushes us farther being... close like we were,” he swallowed, “he’s taking it into consideration.”

You frowned, “So we’re under a microscope, just like old times.” His hand slipped into yours, something he hadn’t done since you were children, “Master Ren,” he seemed shocked by his chosen name on your lips.

“He knows that you call me Ben in private, he didn’t approve at first, but he says if it makes you trust me, trust the First Order, to continue.” His eyes were soft, he didn’t want you to stop.

“Ben,” you corrected, he seemed to relax, “I’m going to be tortured tomorrow.” He looked at you stiffening he sat down on the bed pulling you with him.

“I know, the Supreme Leader told me when I showed him to his room,” he kissed your fingers gently, “you’ll be given information to memorize tonight, you can’t let him have any of it,” he seemed torn.

“I can take it Ben,” you said softly, a tear had escaped his eye, you wiped it away, “don’t show it, only show it to me,” you said softly, “I’ve broken so many of my bones over the years in accidents.” Ben seemed taken aback, “If he breaks a few fingers I’ll be okay, I’ve had worse.”

“It won’t be anything that extreme, it's just a simulation.”

“It may be a simulation but I felt his mind, Brandar Leobla likes pain and he’s excited to try it against a force user.” You tried not to shudder.

Ben’s face grew darker, “I didn’t realize he brought Leobla,” you leaned against him pulling him closer, his head rested against your chest and you reclined.

“Is he the one?” Ben nodded.

“Yes, I haven’t been face to face with him since, it must be why the Supreme Leader asked me to show him to his rooms. They had me heavily drugged he knew I wouldn’t recognize Leola’s presence.” Ben’s heart rate increased.

“You’ll need to be in control tomorrow Ben, you can’t have any outbursts,” he nodded, you could feel the storm inside him raging. “Can I request that you’re not allowed to watch?” But you knew that would be worse, it would show more sentiment, it would show your weakness as well. “No,” you said softly, “Remember we’re stronger together.” he nodded, you both relaxed back onto the bed and held each other until you dozed off.

You woke up to Phasma touching your hand, “It's time to start getting dressed.” You nodded and dressed quickly, Phasma helped you arrange your hair. Phasma looked amazing in the tight lace dress with a black slip dress underneath. Walking into the hall you met Ben, he looked immaculate in his robes, gray and black, just like yours, “This is turning into a pattern,” you said smiling, the corner of his mouth threatened to form a lopsided grin but he pulled it back to a neutral expression. He extended an arm first to you then the other to Phasma, who took it graciously.

Once in the grand dining room he seated both of you placing you to the right of Snoke and Phasma second to the left, Ben took the closest left hand seat. He stood when Leobla and the other officers entered, his anger spiked but he pulled it back softening his expression then ignoring the man completely. You felt TW-2974 enter, outside of his uniform he was very dashing. He had light brown hair and eyes, he had a healthy tan and a striking build, he smiled taking his seat next to Phasma who smiled warmly back to him. He squeezed her hand softly and settled in focusing on his place setting as if this were the last place he wanted to be. Your gaze drifted to Ben who raised an eyebrow in amusement, he shared your surprise at her display of affection. You wondered if it was just physical or if they were in a relationship. Lost in thought you missed what had been said to you, “Y/N,” Ben said softly and tilted his head towards the Snoke.

“My apologies Supreme Leader, I let my thoughts drift.”

“It is alright Y/N,” he took a sip of wine, “we all drift from time to time, I asked, what are you feelings towards the training you’ve received?”

You smiled softly, “It's strengthening me daily, someday I hope to be as strong as Master Ren,” you took a sip of your own wine. “He challenges me to do things I didn’t think were possible.”

“He told me the rearranged court yard was your doing, I’m impressed.” You blushed, “He also told me you bested him today,” Ben shifted uneasily he hadn’t expected the Supreme Leader to divulge that information to the whole dinner party.

“It was a lucky shot,” you said softly, “if I hadn’t been that angry it would have never happened.” Snoke seemed to look into your soul, you shrank back from his gaze but only fractionally, likely only Ben and Snoke noticed it.

“Trust your anger, its purification will help you focus.” The servants brought in the first course and you picked at it, digesting his words, it was the same thing Ben had been saying to you but somehow the words had more gravity coming from Snoke. You had to admit, despite your feelings towards him he had the gift to inspire.

“I will Supreme Leader.” He seemed satisfied, he began chatting with Phasma about her troops she responded animatedly charming everyone at the table. TW-2974 seemed to beam with adoration until he caught you looking his way and he settled back into the seat his demeanor souring. Ben caught your glance and stared down the table at him, he seemed to shrink down in the chair and you giggled softly trying to cover it with a cough. Ben smiled and drank more of his wine. Snoke seemed to catch your exchange.

“I hear you landed a pretty nasty punch on Y/N a few weeks ago TW-2974, are you willing to test your skill against her now that she’s had more training? I hear Phasma has implemented new training procedures to help the Stormtroopers counter force attacks.” Snoke leaned forward waiting for his reply.

TW-2974 seemed to deflate under the scrutiny of the entire table, “If it pleases the Supreme Leader I’ll happily battle anyone he chooses.” Snoke smiled, the ruined side of his face stretching grotesquely.

“Excellent we’ll have a battle between the two of you before we leave and we’ll see who’s training has better prepared them.” TW-2974’s jaw clenched several times before he downed the wine in his glass, a servant quickly refilled it.

You felt rather than saw Phasma squeeze his thigh, it seemed to comfort him, “I think a battle will be great entertainment.” She smiled, dazzling everyone, “Not to doubt your prowess TW-2974 but she did take on 10 troopers at once before she left us. I believe the rest of the troopers that accompanied us might even out the odds.” He nodded begrudgingly taking another long drink from his wine glass.

You noticed everyone drinking heavily, Ben must have been on his 5th glass of wine, he looked flushed as he downed the remains and gazed at you across the table, you quirked up your eyebrows, caressing his hand with the force, he grinned and motioned to the servant for another glass. Desert had been served you didn’t notice it until the fog rolling off of it chilled your hand. “Careful,” Ben said watching you, “when you scoop it on to your spoon wait until the fog dissipates, otherwise you’ll burn your tongue.”

Following his advise you scooped some of the green liquid onto your spoon, the fog curled off of it until it solidified, you looked to him and he nodded, you tasted it and immediately closed your eyes. “What is this called?” You asked, your eyes still closed savoring the flavor.

“Its super-chilled denta bean ice cream,” Snoke said, “it's one of my favorites.” You opened your eyes, “Do you find it to your liking?”

You smiled, “It’s the most decadent thing I’ve ever eaten,” you said.

The Supreme Leader chuckled, “The tip of the iceberg my child, the tip of the iceberg,” his gaze lingered on you longer than you liked.

The dinner party continued for a while until Snoke disbanded the event by retiring. Phasma and her companion staggered to her room their giggles echoing down the hall as Ben walked you to yours, he lingered in the doorway placing soft kisses on your lips and neck. “Stay with me tonight,” you whispered as he folded you into his arms. He nodded as he pressed kisses into your hair, he stumbled forward as you guided him towards the bed. You helped him undress, pulling off one boot then the other, finally clad in only his underwear you pressed him back, he relaxed against the pillows watching you slowly strip out of the layers of your gown. You slipped a night gown over your head and turned to him.

A large grin lopsided grin graced his face and your heart skipped several beats, he motioned for you and you crossed to him climbing in beside him on the plush bed, “You look content and adorable,” your hand splayed across his chest.

Pouting he pulled your hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles, “I’m never adorable or content,” he said but you could feel the truth behind his emotions, he pulled you tight against himself, “I wish this moment could last forever.” He said drowsily snuggling against your neck while his fingers intertwined with yours. He started humming softly to himself as you stroked his hair, he quickly fell asleep with a small smile on his lips. Your limbs felt heavy as you snuggled into his side you were nearly unconscious when you remembered the packet of information that had to be to be memorized for tomorrow’s training.

Disentangling yourself from Ben you walked over to the table by the door and retrieved the packet. Settling on the cold marble floor you flipped through its contents and started pulling out pieces. There were mockups of different ranking officers a few, missions and their objectives, secret bases, and ship schematics. The previous jedi training you had received allowed you to skim each page and commit it to memory. After three or four pages you flicked back through them in your memory when suddenly you felt cold all over. They had given you pages not information on a data pad, it made you uncomfortable how much the First Order already knew about you. Your hands tingled and you pressed them against the marble willing the anxiety down.

Closing your eyes you focused on the schematic of the y-wing: its transponder codes, the faulty convert on the starboard shield, and the illegal aftermarket cannons. You rebuilt the packet in your mind running through each page as you laid down against the cool marble stretching out with the force to the rooms around you, you set shields in your mind building the outer shield first intentionally the weakest, there you left the ship schematics, in the next level you hid the ranking officers most of their records would be public and you didn’t need to protect their identities, in the next level you hid the transponder codes for the different vessels. On and on you ranked the information in importance and sensitivity. You doubted they’d use a mind probe given Ben’s ability to extract whatever he wanted but you prepared yourself none the less for tomorrow’s torture, you shuddered rising slowly from the floor you drifted to the balcony and gazed at the stars.

Things were going to change tomorrow, you felt like you were faced against a precipice; one that divided your life into before and after. After tomorrow there would be no turning back you would be on this path no matter where it led you. The feeling wrapped itself around you nearly smothering you, when you looked back on your life and tallied all up would it come out to be the better path as the Supreme Leader had promised? You turned back to the bed looking at Ben’s sleeping form, he shifted moaning softly in his sleep. Climbing back into bed his arm instinctively curled around you and you rested your head against his shoulder. You hoped for once you were walking the right path even if it felt wrong.


	8. There is Harmony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training doesn't go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, hopefully will be updating each week from now on *crosses fingers*

There is Harmony

Restrained: it's the only definition you could come up with. Nothing moved not your arms, your hands, or legs, even your head felt strapped down. No matter how many times you blinked you couldn’t make anything come into focus. The only thing you could move were your fingers but only a few inches. 

Reaching out with the force seemed pointless you couldn’t sense anyone or anything around you, the only thing you could sense was some sort of toxin coursing through your veins. Gagging you tried to turn your head but a hand touched your shoulder. You heard a muffled voice as some sort of ear plugs were removed from your ears.

“Ahh, you’re awake, we can begin.” The voice sounded familiar but your thoughts were clouded. Suddenly a blinding light seared across your eyes as the blindfold lifted away. Trying to focus you blinked again and closed your eyes screwing them shut and began counting until your eyes could adjust. “Welcome to interrogation training.” Brandar Leobla smiled cruelly as he loosened the gag.

“Definitely fear invoking,” you commented hoarsely. “Yes well, one can’t be too careful when dealing with Jedi, all of the guides are from imperial archives dating back to the first Jedi purge. The fogginess and lack of force ability are thanks to the serum developed back then now dripping in your veins.” 

Peering over to the right you noticed an IV line, you couldn’t see where it connected with your body but you believed him. “I thought you wanted to interrogate a force user, if you’ve stopped my abilities then you’re not going to find out my reactions.”

“Oh, we’ll get to that eventually, I’ve heard your temper can be quite unstable. I have no desire to be force choked or worse.” He chuckled caressing your cheek. “I’m more interested in your physiology, your charts show the accident that delivered you to the First Order should have killed you, yet here you are. My theory is that Jedi or those force sensitive have advanced metabolisms, you wouldn’t believe how much serum we had to use to bring you this state or sedative either. The wine should have knocked you and Kylo Ren out cold but yet you drank and drank it.” 

He turned around to dials beside the table, “I knew I had training the next morning, you thought I wouldn’t submit?” He chuckled again and you felt a low current run through your body.

“There were some doubts, I’ve seen the holo’s of you fighting the stormtroopers. I’m not sure there’s enough stationed here to stop you and Ren.” The current didn’t hurt but it wasn’t comfortable, trying to shift you grunted. Leobla picked up a vial and pressed a button stopping the current. “This is a truth serum,” he said withdrawing a large dose, “I’m not sure how much it will take to affect you but, that's what we’re here for to learn.” He wrapped a plastic band around your arm and started flicking your veins until one stood up then roughy injected, you clenched your jaw but didn’t give him the satisfaction of a verbal reaction. He pressed the button and the current resumed. 

Your head started spinning, “Ah yes, that's what we’re looking for,” he made a notation on his data pad. “You’ll feel a little euphoria and then you should only be able to speak truth.” Glaring you closed your eyes and willed your body to work faster against the toxins. “Now, let’s begin.” He adjusted the dials and the current became stronger, your fingers curled against the hand rest. “Please state your name and home planet for the record.”

You felt a fine sheen of sweat break out against your brow. “F/N L/N, the ruined planet of Agamar.” You growled.

“There’s that temper,” he said in a sing song voice, he pressed the dial again and the current made your muscles spasm. He pressed the button and the current stopped completely, you gasped softly searching for a breath. “It’s intense but we’re testing your limits. Who knows how much you can take,” he said excitedly. He twisted another dial and pressed the button again, this time the current came in pulses knocking the air from your lungs, he turned the dial again and every third pulse increased in intensity.

He walked to your other side and opened a case, you couldn’t make it out but it sounded like metal. You found you could stand the smaller pulses but the anticipation of the third pulse made you tense before it would arrive locking your muscles painfully. Pressing the button again the pulsing and current stopped.

“I’m impressed, most start screaming by that point, but that would be too easy wouldn’t it?” Something cold and metal caressed your cheek. “Were you prepared at the Jedi Academy for torture?”

“NO,” you growled from behind your teeth, “Master Luke believed that the New Republic had evolved beyond such barbaric means.” He chuckled again.

“Such naivety, you’d think the son of Vader would be able to sense the darkness it took to build his New Republic.” He shook his head, he adjusted more dials on the machine and pressed the button, this time the intensity became unbearably long pulses with only seconds to breathe between them, nearing the edge of consciousness you remembered breathing exercises. You started forcing air in your lungs even during the pulses of the current slowing the panic in your mind. The pain became bearable and the panic settled. The current stopped completely.

“Aggravating, I thought surely that would work. On to more barbaric modes.” He sized your hand, “You will want to breathe in deeply my dear this is going to hurt.” he shoved a long metal splinter under your thumbnail tearing a scream from your throat. You couldn’t stop it. “There we are,” he said closing his eyes. “ Tell me the location of your base.”

You laughed hoarsely, “No.” You smiled, he shook his head.

“Tsk,” he said as he pressed down on your thumb nail, “This could all be over if you just tell me what I want to know,” when he let up you weren’t sure which hurt worse the pressure or no pressure. He took your pinky into his hands, “Where is your base? Just tell me the system,” he said but you shook your head, he shoved the metal under the pinky nail and you gasped but didn’t scream a single tear escaped your eye. “Stubborn.” He moved the sliver back and forth making you scream again.

“You want to know where it is?” You asked hoarsely.

“My my breaking already? Yes where is the base?” 

Laughing loudly you said, “On Agamar,” you cackled again, “but you’ll need rad suits to get near it,” you sneered at him.

“I see,” he said frowning. He drew another dose out of the truth serum vial, “More of this.” He jabbed the needle into your neck and pressed the plunger.

“Didn’t spring for the pneumatic injector?” You said spitefully. 

“Where’s the fun in that?” He replied darkly. He returned to your fingers, squeezing both thumb and pinky nail, “Where is the base?”

Grinding your teeth you spat out, “Hosnian Prime, under the senate.” He stopped. 

“Is this a joke to you? Do you think I won’t hurt you?” He lowered his face to your ear and whispered, “The Supreme Leader told me to find out what you’re made of and I intend to.” He grasped your face with this hand squeezing your jaw painfully, “maybe I’ll pull a few of those teeth?”

“Running out of ideas?” You said grinning, “I thought this would be hard.” Behind the words you felt the rage burning low in your stomach and itching at the base of your skull, you could feel your force abilities awakening. You laughed darkly.

“Temper temper little girl, you have no idea how much pain I can cause you.” He stood and pressed the button making you spasm in pain your fingers curling against the armrest driving the slivers deeper beneath your nail, you screamed. Fear rippled through you, maybe this isn’t just a simulation, your mind panicked at the thought. If they fed you both sedatives Ben might not be in the viewing room at all he may still be out cold. You tried meditating again trying to still your mind but gave up it was too intense, you knew he’d have to stop again to question you, you’d calm yourself then.

After what seemed like hours it stopped and you slumped against the interrogation table painting. “Ready to tell the truth?” You sneered at him.

“Yes,” the answer shocked you, you had wanted to yell and scream at him, but your mouth betrayed you.

“Where is the base,” you felt the answer come to your lips but you bit your tongue tasting blood. “Hmmm, not enough pressure I see.” He beckoned to something just out of your view and a unfamiliar hum became louder, an IT-000 droid came into your field of vision.

The answer wanted to come out but you squeezed your fingers against the armrest pressing the metal further under your nail making you whimper, “I-I-I,” you closed your eyes, trying not to imagine the droid’s capabilities, it looked more advanced than the ones from the empire. “I have nothing to say.”

Leobla chuckled, “I see,” he nodded to the droid and an injector arm came out, “I played nice before, the previous serum doesn’t have the same kick as this one.” The droid closed in its repulsors humming quietly as it injected liquid fire into your arm. It seemed to echo around the room as the screams came back to your ears. He knelt down next to your ear, “Feel how it touches every nerve ending as it makes it’s way around your bloodstream, it won’t last long, given your ability to process toxins but it's working beautifully for now.” He stroked your face, “Where is the base?”

You were sweating and thrashing as much as the restraints allowed, but you shook your head. “How old were you when you went to the jedi academy?”

“Thirteen,” you growled, the fire had reached your heart, panic started to set in and your breath started coming in gasps.

“Were you afraid?”

“No,” it came out as almost a scream.

“Are you afraid now?” 

“Yes,” you whispered, the flames were everywhere now but lessened, you took a deep breath, “but you should be afraid.”

He chuckled patting your leg, “You’re strapped to a table, my dear.”

“I’ll get off of it eventually,” you said your voice shaking.

“I’ll be systems away before that happens,” he grinned, “Now,” he said picking up a hook like metal instrument. “Where is the base?”

“It’s,” you took a shuddering breath and bit your tongue again, “it's …” the burning had begun to subside, “it's here on Hevurion,” you grinned.

Leobla cursed, “That was quite a hefty dose you just burned through,” he looked aggravated as he replaced the tool, “Droid initiate the burning probe.”

You stiffened but tried to bring your mind to focus, you sense more, you started imagining things you’d do to Leobla, drawing strength from the hatred building. The probe hit you in two places a searing sensation on your leg you could smell the flesh burning as the probe touched your skin and in your mind as it pierced your weakest shield deflating it and taking all of the information you had stored there. “Your mind probe isn't strong enough to reach what you want,” you panted, the burning sensation let up as the mental attack slammed against your shields again, breaking through your second shield and collecting everything you'd stored there.

Leobla scowled as he scrolled through the information the droid had stolen from your mind, you put most of your strength behind the third shield protecting the more sensitive information. “Disappointing,” he growled, “nothing useful.” He sneered as you started chuckling. “This amuses you?” He said angrily.

“You’ll get nothing from me,” you began as the droid launched a third attack against your mental shields, it held, but you could feel it straining, fighting away fear you pushed everything you had into it as the droid pressed the burning probe against your leg again. Screaming in agony you used the pain holding fast to the shield. The tingling at the back of your skull seemed stronger, you started to sense things around the room.

You focused on breathing capturing your anger and rage, purifying it your hands started shaking. “I see that the fear is becoming real,” he said grinning, stroking your forehead. “No one's coming to stop this Jedi.”

“Who’s scared?” You said your voice still shaky, "I don't need anyone to save me."

“It's going to be a pleasure to break you,” he said, “I just need to find the right button to push,” he said softly picking up your index finger.“Now this will hurt,” he said pulling it back sharply dislocating the finger a sickening pop. You screamed but he moved to your ring finger, “You know what comes next,” he said dislocating it too. Gritting your teeth you hissed and choked back a whimper. 

“Tell me about your loyalty to the First Order,” he purred. You stared at him as he picked up a scalpel. “Would you stand on the other side of the window and let me do this to Kylo Ren?” Then he set the blade against your skin and slowly drug it upward, you screwed your eyes shut soaking in the pain, using it. “For all you know he's watching this happen and doing nothing to stop it.” Something snapped deep inside and you could feel the room around you suddenly.

“Release me,” you said. Leobla stopped, blade still digging into your skin but not moving, opening your eyes you stared him down. “Release me,” you said strengthening the intention behind the words, you imagined him undoing the restraints. He shook his head as confusion passed over his features. “Release me, now.” You were rusty it had been years since you’d had to mind trick someone. “Leobla, release me now.” He looked worried but complied releasing your left hand from the restraints, you threw him against the wall with a blast of force energy. _Kill him_ , a voice whispered in your mind.

Screwing your eyes shut you popped your fingers back in place with the force as you screamed loudly. _Kill him_. Leobla scrambled to get back to his feet as you undid the straps of the restraints on your right hand. Before he could take a step forward your hand whipped out upturned choking him. _Yes! Smother the life from him._ His hands tore at his throat in vain.

“Would I stand on the other side of the glass and watch you torture Kylo Ren?” You pulled him close his feet dragging the floor, “I’d do as the Supreme Leader ordered me,” you released the rest of the restraints with the force. Leobla’s eyes started bulging out of this head. “No response?” You questioned, you slammed him into the interrogation table releasing him as he sputtered trying to catch his breath.

Pulling first the sliver from your thumb you dropped it, his eyes darted to you, you pulled the longer sliver out of our pinky wincing as you did, you stepped forward Leobla shrank back. “You’d better hope we never meet again,” you said coldly. _KILL HIM_. Quick as lightning your hand shot forward stabbing him in the chest with the sliver, he gurgled as blood started filling his lung. Lowering your face to his ear you whispered, “If I ever cross paths with you again I will kill you,” you kissed his forehead tenderly. Turning on your heel you opened the door with the force. 

Four storm troopers stood guard, “Move,” you said sharply they jumped out of the way as you stalked down the hall. You reached out searching for Ben and the Supreme Leader. Finding them in the next room you opened the door with the force. The Supreme Leader sat on a raised chair Ben standing to his left. The Supreme Leader grinned his face twisting evilly.

“As always you exceed expectations my dear,” his gravely voice oozed appreciation. Ben stepped forward taking your left hand into his inspecting the fingers.

“You’ll need a medic for Leobla.” You said, Ben winced at the chill in your voice. 

“There’s a medical capsule enroute to take him to the Finalizer,” Ben said softly. “A doctor will tend your wounds,” he said glancing at the skin peeled back on your right arm as the dripping blood became unbearably loud. 

“I’m fine,” you said, Ben pressed gently on your thumb nail making you hiss.

“You will see the physician Y/N.” Snoke said and you nodded. Ben led you to the hallway you watched as they removed Leobla on the medical sled terror in his eyes as he passed you. The stormtroopers shifted uneasily, giving you a wide berth.

The temporary med bay contained a stainless steel hover tray and two chairs. “Please sit,” the medtech said you stood unmoving gazing at the seat and the tools on the hovering tray. Ben nudged you gently, apprehensively you took a seat, “I’m surprised to see you again so soon,” he said. He reached for your left hand first, the flayed skin drawing his attention but you jerked back, Ben’s hand came to rest on your shoulder.

“Give him your arm,” he said gently, the med tech looked nervous as you gingerly stretched your arm forward. He took your hand in his and flexed the stiff and still swelling joints then examined the large patch of red flesh.

“The fingers are back in place, whoever set them did a good job,” he smiled at you but your expression deflated his attempts at lightening the mood, “this,” he motioned to the peeled back skin, “I’ll have to remove and bandage, it can’t be stitched but a few days of bacta plasters and it should be fine.” He motioned for the other hand and inspected the nails. “I can clean these, the thumb, you’ll be lucky if the nail survives, bacta gel and wrap is the best bet.”

He pulled out numbing agent in a vial snapping it into the pneumatic injector when he paused, “You still have the IV in your arm.” You hadn’t noticed, he pulled out tape and gauze, “I’ll remove it.” He pulled back the tape and removed the needle, you winced a little as he swiped the area with a little bacta gel then covered it with gauze. “The bacta should prevent major bruising.”

He raised the injector, “Wait,” you said softly he paused, “I don’t need it.” Ben squeezed your shoulder.

“It will hurt--” he started to say.

“She said she doesn’t need it,” Ben’s voice snapped the medtech’s attention to him. “Do as she says.” The medtech set his jaw and picked up a small pair of scissors and started trimming the skin. Ben pressed himself flush against you tilting your face up. “Don’t watch,” he said softly.

“Does the Supreme Leader understand? That I will kill Leobla if he puts us in a room together?” Ben almost chuckled, his hand caressing your cheek.

“He does, I doubt either of us will be near him again.” Anger still boiled with in you, you were fighting the urge to lash out at the medtech as he cut away the dying skin.

You jumped as the scissors bit in too deeply, the hover tray started shaking and the objects rattled around a few flew off in different directions, the medtech pulled back suddenly terrified. Ben crouched down to your level wrapping an arm around you, holding you in place his lips by your ear, “Control it,” he whispered. You stilled closing your eyes focusing on controlling your anger. Ben nodded to the medtech and he continued. 

“T-t-this next part,” he stopped licking his lips, “will be quite painful ma’am.” 

“Do what you have to,” you said through gritted teeth, the medtech looked to Ben who nodded as he tightened his grip on you. The world around you flashed red as the medtech poured the antiseptic over the flayed area, you yelled loudly but the medtech worked quickly spreading gel then the bacta plasters over the wound, as they self sealed they tightened, making you wince. 

“Your other hand, ma’am, p-p-please.” Ben released his hold on you and you raised the injured right hand to the medtech. “This will be unpleasant,” he said swallowing, he had turned pale.

“I won’t harm you,” you said firmly, finally smoothing the shakiness out of your voice. Ben wrapped his other arm around you holding you firmly against the seat.

The medtech squeezed gently on the fingers making sure nothing remained underneath the nails and quickly applied the medication and wrapps. “Your other hand ma’am, I should immobilize the fingers so they can heal and the burns on your leg will need--”

“That won’t be necessary, they’ll heal on their own.” You started to stand but Ben’s arm held you firmly in place, looking over your shoulder you glared at him. He released you, “Then at least take some painkillers I have here Ma’am they’ll help you rest.”

Shaking your head you refused, “They will dull my senses,” the medtech gaped looking from you then to Ben, finally the med tech nodded looking defeated. “Thank you, for tending to my wounds.” Standing you turned to the door, you stumbled as your head swam but pushed through the door, you made it ten paces before going down on all fours and retching up everything you’d eaten over the last few days, Ben kneeled beside you until you were finished. You tried to stand but fumbled, Ben scooped you up and carried you towards your room. “I can walk,” you said but Ben shook his head.

Resting your head against him you gave in and let him carry you, the sway of his walk turning your stomach again. “Ben stop,” you whimpered.

“We’re here,” he said gently, he sat you down on the edge of the bed and reached for a refuse bin. “Here,” he said handing it to you.

You retched, “ What’s wrong with me?”

“You were electrocuted, drugged, cut, and burned. It could be shock, a reaction to the drugs, or that you used more of the dark side than you’re used to. Pick one.” He sat beside you stroking your hair and back, “Rest now, after you’ve rested and meditated, the Supreme Leader wants to see you.”

Frowning you laid back, scooting over so he could climb in beside you, “No,” he said gently leaning forward to kiss your forehead, “I have tasks I must complete, rest, call for me if you need me.” You grumbled but curled on your side.

“Move the bin closer,” you mumbled, he chuckled a little but moved the bin next to you.

“For what it’s worth, that was the worst thing I’ve ever had to watch,” he stroked your face, “and I’ve never been more proud.”

You smiled weakly wrapping your arms around a pillow, “Go on, get out of here.” He smiled and turned walking out of the room.

You snuggled in and started clearing your mind working your way through your emotions either dealing with them or filing them away for later. Soon your mind had emptied allowing the force to flow in filling you, you willed it, set it to knitting your flesh back together, repairing your over extended joints. Feeling the tingle you melted into the meditation your body felt liquid and you floated away, surrounded by a bright glowing ball of light.

After a while you felt something like a ripple in the force. Stretching out you tried to identify it, it felt oddly familiar like background noise to your life. You could almost put a name to it.

“It would be easier if you opened your eyes,” came an accented male voice.

With your concentration broken you dropped a few inches back onto the bed. “Where are you?” you said.

“Right here,” a light blue glow came into focus and took the shape of an older man in jedi robes.

A name ran around somewhere in the back of your mind but you couldn’t make it stick. “How are you here?” 

“Well, I’m an apparition,” he said with a small sarcastic smile, “I’d have thought Luke would have a least spoke about them.”

“He did, he said that Master Ob-” Your mouth dropped open, “Master Obi-Wan?”

“In the, well I suppose not flesh, but all the same, yes.”

Mind racing you had a million questions, “Why are you here?”

He sighed sadly, “To let you know it’s not too late.”

“Too late for what?” You drew your legs up under your chin and wrapped your arms around them.

“For you,” he took you in, “for you to turn away from the darkness you’ve surrounded yourself in.”

“I’m not surrounded by darkness, I feel fine.”

“You’re balanced at the moment,” he sat on the edge of the bed, “but soon you’ll lose that balance and you’ll do something you’ll regret. Soon you’ll find yourself a servant to darkness, just like Ren.”

“He’s not...” you tried to find the words to describe him, “he’s just lost, he still has good in in him I kno-”

“Please,” he held up his insubstantial hand, “stop telling yourself lies, they’re counter productive. The boy you loved is dead. There is nothing you can do to bring him back. Start thinking of your future.”

His words stung you deeply, you could feel tears beginning to well up, they matched Ben’s own words. “He’s in there, I can feel it.”

He sighed, “It’s not your job to save him, he can only save himself. You’ll only lose yourself in this.”

“And what do I do to save myself?” You wiped away tears that had begun to spill down your cheeks.

“Escape, naturally.” His smirk felt warming.

“And then what? I have nowhere to go, I have no family, no friends, they’re all dead.”

“You’ll go to the Resistance of course,” he said raising an eyebrow.

“Meanwhile, what?" A loud sob escaped your lips, "Ben hunts for me losing the the good left in him while he murders everyone in his path?”

Obi-Wan seemed deep in thought, “The consequences wouldn’t be your fault--”

“Of course they would be, it would be abandonment just like everyone else in his life, I left him once-” You wiped your reddened eyes fighting back a sob.

Obi-Wan paused, “You didn’t leave him he left you on Chandrila.” He seemed confused.

"No, I left the school before trials, I knew-”

“YOU became a Jedi Knight, you followed..” he stopped closing his eyes you felt a gentle probing against the walls of your mind, “It’s gone,” he said astonished, “your memory is fragmented.”

Before you could reply a soft knock sounded at the door and Phasma’s head popped in the doorway, “You’re alone? I thought I heard you speaking to someone,” she shook her head, “Ren sent me to to find you.”

“She can’t see me,” Obi-Wan said softly.

“I know,” You said to Obi-Wan.

“Of course you do,” Phasma laughed softly, “get dressed and I’ll take you to the Supreme Leader.” She grinned, “What it is it Y/N? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Intuitive,” Obi-Wan smirked, “ask Ren about your memories before you dismiss what I’ve said. I’ll be back.” Obi-Wan shimmered and disappeared.

“It just feels so strange in here,” Phasma said walking in.

“It’s the breeze,” you said trying to change the subject, “training clothes or formal?”

“Training,” she said in a chipper tone, “are you feeling up to it?”

Stretching you nodded, “I feel much better after meditating.” 

She smiled shaking her head, “I still can’t wrap my head around how you do that, I saw Ren carry you away an hour ago, you looked almost dead.”

“Don’t underestimate the force,” you replied slipping into a training outfit, “it can do many amazing or terrible things depending on who is wielding it.” You stepped to her, “I’m ready to go.”

“I’m just amazed by the things I’ve seen you do,” Phasma offered her arm you were going to refuse but you felt a wave of light dizziness hit you and took it, “are you sure you’re up to this?”

Waiving her on you pressed forward, “I’ll be fine,” you said squeezing her arm gently, “You’re out of armor?”

She chuckled, “Yes, well I’ve been sparring and it’s too hot for the armor here, I’ve got engineering on putting in a personal cooling unit.”

“I think B-Ren has one, I don’t know how he can stand the heat in all that black leather.” Phasma chuckled.

“Nothing bothers that man, I’ve seen him walk through a desert and not be bothered, literally moments from death and still stoic, but after Starkiller, before he found you I really thought...” she seemed to search for the next words carefully, “he shut everyone out. I-” You squeezed her arm gently.

“I didn’t realize you were that close,” you were touched suddenly by it, you could feel her emotions.

“I, it may not seem like it, but he’s the only real friend I had. He’s never undercut me for a promotion or turned on me. He may not talk much but he always listened.”

“He’s always been that way...” you trailed off thinking of all the times he supported you, you felt a pain in your chest suddenly thinking of everything he’d done since then.

“Are you okay?” Phasma stopped concerned.

“I just need a moment,” you uncurled your arm from hers. Trying but failing to take deep breaths you doubled over as another wave of pain washed over you.

“Y/N!” She shouted.

“I’m okay,” you said softly, holding a hand up to her. “It’s fine,” you said straightening, her mask of indifference had dropped she looked concerned. “Really, I’m fine I just need air.”

“I think may-” Phasma started to say but a pair of strong arms scooped you up.

“Ben,” you whispered against his chest.

“Shhh,” he said softly, “I felt it,” he kissed your forehead, “do you want me to take you back to your room?”

You shook your head, “No, I can do this,” he grunted, “I can, I just need,” you sighed, “just hold me for a few more moments.” He nodded and sat down in the hallway holding you in his lap.

“Should I get the med tech?” Phasma asked nervously.

“No,” Ben said softly stroking your face and then moving to rub circles on your palms, “She just needs a moment, I can take her from here.” Phasma started to protest.

“It’s okay Phasma,” you said.

“What triggered this?” He asked gently.

“A lot of things,” your voice shook a little, he frowned.

“You’re pushing me out,” you felt him press against your mind.

“Please don’t,” you said softly, his frown deepened but you felt the pressure against your mind lessen. Several emotions passed over his face, “Later, I promise, I'll tell you all of it.” Nodding he tightened his hold on you. After a few moments it passed and you stood offering him a hand up, he took it and allowed you to pull him up.

“This can wait until tomorrow,” he said softly.

“No, I don't want to cause him anymore displeasure,” you could feel the Supreme Leader’s presence weighing against you, there would be no escaping his scrutiny today. Steeling yourself you pressed forward towards the library where Snoke had settled for his own reflection time.


	9. Peace is a lie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke takes a hand in your training.

  
Peace is a Lie. 

“Hold your breath,” he commanded gruffly, “go back to the guardian.” You could feel sweat rolling down your forehead threatening to sting your eyes. 

“Go back?” You said, trying to focus.

“It’s a memory trick, go back through the memory of the vision, take me back to the guardian.” Snoke’s voice washed over you, in your mind's eye you tried going back.

“Memories don’t work that way.” You grunted as your body trembled with effort.

“They do, move in reverse through your memory until you reach the guardian, I need to hear what he said to you.” Trying you stepped backwards in your memory as if it were movable, and suddenly everything moved in reverse until you were back to the guardian.

“Weapons are of no use, only will can move my might.” Staring at the flame guardian you walked around him, he flickered. As many times as you’d faced him you’d never been able to move him by any means.

“You must control him with the force,” Snoke said it simply as if that were all there were to it.

“I’ve tried,” exhaustion of your physical form affected your movements within the mental space the Supreme Leader had somehow entered within your vision. Stumbling you nearly fell but regained balance.

“Focus,” he said somewhere between a growl and a purr, “your intentions have been to save your self, not control the guardian.” His hand touched your shoulder sending a chill through you. “You must focus on controlling him, your will must be what moves him.”

“I can’t,” you had tried but over and over you woke up from his killing blow the smell of your own singed flesh strong in your nostrils. “He’s too strong,” the aching in your head and tremors of your hands were starting to become more pronounced.

“You’ll need stamina, how long can you manipulate the force before you weaken?”

“Not long, unless I’m furious, even then I burn out quickly.” Your voice shook,”Pain sometimes helps.” Before another word left your lips Snoke hit you with a force wave slamming you down on the ashen pavement, pain flared from you knees and elbows.

“Now?” Anger flashed with in you as you stood.

“That works here?” Surprised you drew in the pain, your arm twinged as someone squeezed the flayed flesh of your arm.

“It won’t be quite the same but you’ll see the effects as if it were the vision, all of the rules within your memory will behave just like in the vision, but you can only go as far as you’ve seen.”

“I’ve never passed him,” your voice now at a low growl.

“This is practice. When the vision comes again you’ll know how to beat him.” Stretching an arm forward you caught the flame guardian by his throat, trying to bend him to your will. The guardian threw you easily into the wall of flames tearing screams from your throat. Coming back to the center you roared at it, shaking you imagined the guardian bowing to to you.

“Submit to my will!” You shouted but the flame guardian struck you again , this time you whipped out your lightsaber catching his arm with it, channeling your will through it and shouted again, “SUBMIT,” your voice echoed deeper than natural, the flame guardian straightened and moved to the side. 

Crashing to the pavement you exhaled, “With the correct intention you can do anything.” The Supreme Leader looked down at you, “Meditate, we’ll begin again in a few moments.” You left the memory all the aches and pains of your body became too loud to ignore. Slowly you opened your eyes. Ben sat in front of you, his brows knitted in concern.

“Perhaps we should pick this back up tomorrow Master?” He said softly, his hand reaching out to cup your face. “She hasn’t eaten in almost a standard day. She’s exhausted.”

“We’re building stamina Kylo Ren, she will last as long as she needs to, meditate.” Closing your eyes you went into restorative mediation drawing heavily on the force. Pain shot behind your eyes and our hands felt like they were going to vibrate off at the wrist. When clenching your fists didn’t stop it, Ben’s hands covered yours, he sent you calming thoughts.

“Master,” he started again, but the temperature in the room dropped.

“Do you question my method’s Ren? I trained you the same way, she will endure it.” The voice hurt every part of your body.

“Yes Supreme Leader,” Ben quieted but his hands remained on yours. After countless drills and force manipulations the Supreme Leader declared training over for the day, starting for the door you swayed but Ben caught your arm. 

“I expect you both at dinner Kylo Ren,” Snoke said firmly.

“Of course Supreme Leader,” he said nodding towards Snoke.

“Y/N,” Snoke said softly, you raised your eyes to him, “you did well today. Keep focused, you'll be very powerful someday.”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader, I will try not to fail you.” He grinned, his mouth twisting.

Leaving the room you felt a weight lift from your shoulders as if Snoke’s very presence tired you, Ben guided you, “I’m okay,” you said softly.

“You’re not, you need rest.” You waved him away.

“When is dinner?” You asked leaning against the wall heavily.

“About 20 minutes,” he looked worried, “he’s pushing you harder than he needs to.”

“He’s only here for a few days,” you said sighing softly and stretching sore muscles, “I can endure,” you said mocking the Supreme Leader’s voice, Ben smiled sadly.

“I hope so,” he said gently, “you need to dress, do you need help?”

Shaking your head you pushed off the wall, “No, I can manage, I just hope dinner doesn’t last long.” Ben kissed your cheek and left to dress himself. 

Exhausted you changed into a long black gown and pulled your hair up into a bun, you couldn’t manage makeup, your hands were still shaking too much, sighing you felt Ben enter the room.

“Are you ready?” He asked softly as if his voice would break you. Nodding you took his arm, he was solid and had to support more of your weight than you expected.

“I won’t break, I promise,” you said trying to reassure him before you reached the dining room but he didn’t look convinced, “Hey,” you stopped causing him to turn to you.

“Remember, you have to control how much sentiment you show.” He stroked your cheek, “I’m starting to think this is just as much a test for you as it is me.”

“You’re right,” he pulled you in close resting his head on yours, “it’s, just,” you could feel his emotions rolling beneath the surface, turning your face upwards brushed your lips against his. “It’s difficult to watch,” his brow furrowed.

“As long as you’re beside me, it’s worth it.” You felt something shift inside him, soften, “Ben,” you said softly but it was lost in his kiss. pulling back you smiled, you felt strengthened, “stronger together,” you said. He held you for a few more moments but then regained his composure turning he lead you to the dining room.

“Kylo Ren, Y/N,” Snoke said jovially, “thank you for joining us,” he smiled but it chilled your skin. Ben seated you then took his own seat on the other side of the Supreme Leader. “You look stunning my dear,” he said gently, as if he hadn't spent the afternoon torturing you in his own way.

“Thank you Supreme Leader,” you said reaching forward to take a sip of wine, you focused hard easing the shaking out of your hands but you spilled a little. You saw Phasma’s expression change to one of worry buy you smiled at her, trying to reassure her. It didn't seem to help.

Snoke himself watched you struggle with the glass, finally you gave up and levitated it with the force, you could feel the unease rise at the table but you had lost the ability to care. Snoke seemed pleased as he watched you beaming, Ben smirked and raised his own glass with the force. You felt TW-2974 flash extreme unease and nearly choke on his own wine. Phasma raised her glass in solidarity and the rest of the table joined her in a toast. Nodding you smiled replacing your glass on the table.

Through the rest of the courses you used the force, the food easing some of your headache and shaking you started to feel stronger. At the main course Snoke cleared his throat, everyone turned to him, “As you know, Y/N, has joined us, her training is the reason for our trip. Her bravery today is to be rewarded, I have heard that you have a favorite among the foods you’ve tried since you’ve been with the First Order. In your honor my dear, “ he looked at you almost lovingly, “the chef has prepared Fodu,” you could feel your mouth water, “and we’ve had whip treats brought in, Ren tells me they’re a favorite of yours.” 

His kindness caught you off guard, the sentiment behind it, the warmth it brought to you. “Thank you, Supreme Leader,” tears threatened to spill from your eyes but you fought it, bowing your head to him. Before the servants had finished delivering everyone’s plates you had already eaten everything on your dish. During dessert your hands had stilled enough that you could use a spoon to relish the taste of the whip treats. Whether the Supreme Leader knew it or not they held a special significance for you, Ben smiled at you from across the table as you enjoyed its taste.

“Believe it or not,” you spoke up softly, “the prepackaged ones are the best.” Snoke smiled broadly.

“I’m glad it is to your liking my dear,” you relaxed, enjoying the meal joining in on the conversation. TW-2974 even joined in and you were all conversing merrily until the Supreme Leader spoke up again, “Would you be ready for that match of strength tonight TW-2974?” He said it so casually it took you a few moments to realize what he meant.

“Whenever you feel it is time Supreme Leader,” he said, his eyes shifting to you. You could feel him sizing you up, he didn’t think it would be a fair fight, you were done for. He wasn’t far from the truth. The food had given you strength but you were not in any shape to be battling anyone. Slowly you turned to the Supreme Leader.

“Y/N?” He asked, you swallowed, you flexed your left hand, the joints protesting. 

“If it pleases you Supreme Leader,” you shifted trying to gauge how long you might last.

“Excellent,” he said cooly, “retrieve your weapons and we'll adjourn to the court yard.”

Ben stood to follow you but you waved him off, he nodded and joined the shifting crowd as it headed to the courtyard, you could feel him trying to disguise his worry. As long as it was just sparing the only danger would be bruises. Retrieving your saber from the bedside you adjusted the blade to training mode and then changed back into your practice clothing for better range of motion. By the time you pulled your top back on you were sweating. Clipping the saber to your belt you headed back stopping a couple of times to catch your breath. 

The air in the twilight court yard felt cool and the sun baked pavers felt warm under foot, TW-2974 paced back and forth, he had stayed in his dress clothes but loosened his collar, he stretched swinging his force pike back and forth. He looked up hearing you approach. He stepped back a few steps, you nodded to him igniting your saber the blue green blade brilliant in the low light.

“Now, Now Y/N,” Snoke said, “He’s got his force pike at full strength, at least do him the courtesy of turning your weapon to full strength.” Swallowing hard you adjusted it, TW-2974 frowned he didn't like it that you'd decided to take it easy on him. His anger flashed as the perceived insult coursed through his body.

“I just didn’t want there to be any accidents Supreme Leader.” His smile made you shiver. TW-2974 stared you down.

You bowed to him taking an active position saving energy and waiting for him to take the first move. He struck hard from the left making your hand ache painfully. Your grip almost faltered as you crossed weapons with him, he snarled but you held firm. Shifting your weight you threw him off turning as gracefully as you could. He countered swinging low catching your leg and you went down hard catching yourself on one knee. 

Panting you swung your leg around kicking his legs out from under him. He jumped back up but you stayed crouching for a moment gathering your breath and anger. Rising slowly you cracked open your carefully packaged anger and drew from it, you could feel the force flow through you. He struck again aiming for the right side and switching to the left at the last second slamming the hard surface of the pike against your shoulder. You cried out as he jumped back away from your clumsy parry. 

He grinned, you took the offensive and attacked him hard going for a mid body kick trying to disarm him. Breaking the pike free from one hand you slammed your uninjured shoulder against his chest knocking him backward. Growling he attacked again focused on your feet but at the last moment he smacked your jaw knocking you backward. Landing hard on your back you felt the air whoosh out of your lungs. 

You realized finally he'd been trained to think out the opposite of his intended attack. It was clever, Phasma had prepared him well. Using the force you jumped back up sinking low into a squat trying to catch your breath. He smiled, you'd probably find him handsome if he didn't despise you so much.

Closing your eyes you waited for a strike while he circles you. When he did you drew on the force and jumped over him landing behind him drawing your saber up close to his neck trapping his pike against his chest. Growling he pushed the blade with his pike trying to disarm you with one hand while the other grabbed your injured hand squeezing mercilessly to make the bones grind together until you screamed and the saber dropped from your hand clattering against the pavers. Swinging his head back he caught you in the face knocking you back. Again you fell but called your saber to you just as he tried a crushing blow directed at your chest, your saber activated just in time catching the tip of the force pike. 

Smiling you spat blood as you slowly raised again off the pavers, “Not bad,” you growled as the pain unleashed more of your anger, you pushed back against the pike until he was straining. You could tell he wanted to strike at your injured hand again but he chose the opposite and struck at your knee. Anticipating it you jumped up landing a punch on his jaw with your uninjured fist as he hissed twirling away breaking contact. 

“Phasma’s tactics are good,” you said your mouth full of iron and salt, “ but mental tactics are a good way to piss off a force user.” He nodded the ghost of a smile on his lips. 

“You shouldn't be standing,” he said, “you're sheet white, concede and I won't push you any farther.”

Laughing softly you replied, “That wouldn't give you the bragging rights you're here for.” He grinned as you dove at his feet again but reversed at the last moment smacking his pike down, it gave off an electric hiss as its tip made contact with the pavers. “We both know you want a clean win.” This time when his foot shot out you didn't catch it and his boot connected with your knee in a sickening crunch, going down hard you roared, the pain sparking the deep anger. He stepped back.

“Ren’s whore having a hard time proving she belongs here?” he taunted, but his face paled when you looked up at him. You stood, a chill spread all over your body as you began pacing in front of him, you could feel the crunch of cartilage with each step as your bones ground against each other but your mind didn’t feel the accompanying pain.

“One whore to another,” you said loud enough for only the two of you to hear, “be careful who you insult,” you pushed him hard down on his knees with the force, “you never know who will have you down on your knees next.” You pressed the tip of your saber against flesh of his chest. The velvety voice in your head whispered for you to _kill him_ , you pressed harder making the skin sizzle, he screamed loudly. “You're finished, that's a killing blow.” 

Extinguishing your saber you turned to walk away but he sprung up swinging the pike at your head but you dropped down snatching the pike and flipped him over you, with a snap of your wrist you ignited the blade and slashed at the hand holding the force pike. It clattered away noisily as TW-2974 screamed holding his forearm and clutching at the stump where his hand had been. 

You heard Phasma scream as she rushed over, trying to maintain composure as her lover went into shock. She glanced at you but recoiled as the cold anger burned through you, _finish him_ , the voice purred. It would be simple another flick of the wrist and he'd fall still. You stepped forward but Phasma put herself between you. Her eyes wide as she aimed a blaster at your head. You sank down dropping your saber as the realization of what happened washed over you. Suddenly you went nearly limp and you fought back the urge to vomit. 

Mind racing you tried to find words as the med tech rushed to TW-2974 with a medical sled and loaded him on it, Phasma followed them glancing over her shoulder at you as if you were something alien, a threat, a predator.

Ben appeared at your side, offering you a hand up, you took it letting him pull you up. He supported your weight as you limped back to the Supreme Leader, “Excellent Y/N,” he grinned his mouth twisting as his hand took yours, “I felt real power there for a moment,” his eyes flashed, “I look forward to watching you spar when you're fully rested,” you wanted to sob, you'd just maimed a man you'd trained and sparred with. “Take her to rest Ren, she's earned it, I'll send the med tech to you after he's stabilized the trooper.” 

By the time you reached the edge of the courtyard you were trembling. Remembering your saber you called to it, it shimmied but remained by the group working on TW-2974 , frowning you called to it again it slid a few inches then stopped. Focusing harder you called to it it came to you but seemed to vibrate in your hand, frowning you attached it to your belt. Ben watched you but remained silent the whole trip back to his room. He left but came back with a cold pack that he pressed against your knee you hissed at the contact but relaxed once it started numbing the pain.

You didn't dare look up at him as he took stock of the damage he tilted your chin up but you kept your eyes down cast. “Y/N,” he said gently, finally you lifted your eyes to him, he looked worried, “you didn't kill him.” It seemed that was the breaking point you started crying, he gathered you to him.

“I wanted to,” you said hiccuping, “I wanted to kill them both today.” The voice wanted you to kill them as well. Maybe he was right, you were surrounded by so much darkness that no one saw anything wrong with it.

“Who’s right?” Ben asked confused.

“M-m-master Obi-Wan, he spoke to me earlier,” Ben stiffened.

“You shouldn't speak to him, he'll only confuse you.” His grip tightened on you, “He twists the truth.”

“He said he'll be back,” he touched your nose softly making you gasp and wince at the pain.

“Just ignore him, eventually he’ll stop trying to reach you,” to which you gasped in shock. You winced as he tested your shoulder it felt sore but firm, “You're hurt worse than I thought,” he said softly in misunderstanding. His fingers gently touched your knee. Then moved to your face, “You're going to need stitches here,” he said caressing the uninjured side of your mouth, “I'm pretty sure your nose is broken.”

“I still have all my limbs,” you said sniffling. 

“He'll be given a prosthetic, he’ll be fine.” His frown deepened, “Do you realize how much control you exercised during that fight? I would have killed him, especially in your state. I think that's what the the Supreme Leader expected.”

You were speechless, “He expected me to kill him? I thought it was just an exhibition?” You were sick, the way Phasma had looked at you said it all. You were a monster, minion of the dark side, everything you had sworn you wouldn't become.

A knock sounded at the door and the med tech entered, he hesitated at the door, “Treat her now,” Ben said gruffly and the tech fumbled over. Scooting toward the edge of the bed you let him use the medical scanner on you. 

“Your nose and part of your cheek bone are broken, your shoulder is out of alignment and your knee,” he blanched, “all I can do is immobilize it, you're going to need surgery and extensive bacta therapy.”

“How long will she be on restricted movement?” The med tech stared at his data pad.

“Normal healing is two to three months, with her metabolism and meditative healing one may be two months if she follows medical advice? We don't really have the charts for force user regeneration other than her charts from the accident and your own medical records sir.” 

“Then treat what you can and giver her something for the pain and to make her sleep,” Ben glanced at you.

“I'm not taking anything,” you said warningly.

“I am your master and you will do as I say,” Ben snapped. His eyes flashed angrily.

The med tech shrunk back as you tried to stand, “I will not be drugged.”

“Y/N,” Ben said angrily, “you will take the medication if I have to inject you my self. There is no more training today,” he softened when he saw the fear in your eyes shrouded by anger, “I won't let anyone harm you,” he said, “but you will do as I say.” 

Grumbling you sat back down, Ben stood staring at you, “I won't be taken like that again,” the med tech with drew the injector shakily.

“Ma’am?” He questioned, you could feel his terror.

You nodded and then winced as he injected your knee in several places once numb he moved it making you cringe. “Does it still hurt?” you shook your head the crunching sound made your stomach turn Ben crouched beside you his hand snaking into yours. The med tech stabilized it then began giving you deeper injections with a needle explaining he needed to stop the swelling. 

The injections were starting to sting, “I need to numb the interior ma’am,” you nodded and he pulled out a larger needle you grasped Ben's hand hard and he kissed your temple. “I'm sorry ma’am the worst is almost over,” you hissed and motioned for him to go on.

After he finished numbing and immobilizing your knee he moved to your shoulder, first massaging it then swiftly popping it back into alignment, you grunted, he started to wrap your arm in a binding, “Is that necessary?”

“Well, no…” he said tucking the binding back into his bag, “I didn't think about your ability to heal minor issues.” He nervously looked around, “Your lip ma’am?” It took a moment but you realized he wanted to know if you wanted stitches, you shook your head 

“Yes she wants the stitches,” Ben said firmly.

“Ben,” you said and he frowned, “Master “ you corrected, “it will heal.” 

“Might I suggest bacta gel?” The med tech said softly. 

Scowling Ben nodded, “You need to stop fighting me,” he said standing. “Med Tech,” he turned to look at Ben, “you will tend my apprentices wounds but only remember things pertinent to her care.” His shoulder squared and he repeated what Ben had said.

“How often do you alter people’s memories Ben?” His actions bringing back Obi-Wan words.

“That's not up for discussion,” he said coarsely, the med tech moved to your nose.

“This will hurt Ma’am,” he said softly, his brow furrowing as if he knew there were a deeper conversation going on around him but he just couldn't focus on it. Nodding he reached up and snapped your nose centered, you yelled making him jump, he started swabbing the interior of your nostrils with bacta.

“What happened to my memories Ben?” He started pacing.

“I told you, that's not up for discussion,” you could feel the anger rolling off him.

 

“Why?” You asked grimacing as the med tech manipulated your cheek bone pushing the bones against each other.

“Your cheek is fractured ma’am,” he repeated softly then wincing when Ben exploded.

“Why would you listen to Obi-Wan, he twists truth,” he yelled. 

“I didn't say that he told me to ask you,” the med tech shivered as if caught between you two in an argument is the last place he wanted to be.

“You can heal it in the bacta after surgery,” you nodded, the med tech pulled out several pills.

“He did though didn't he! That old man never knows when to quit meddling,” he shouted. You could feel the anger roll off him in waves, “You won't understand,” he said, “ he's always done this,” he growled. “Now he's turned you against me,” he had tears rolling down his face.

“Ben!” You said sharply, “No one could turn me against you,” he scoffed. “What happened to my memories? Why can't I remember what happened at the school? “

“No,” he said sharply, turning , “I won't discuss this,” he turned and stalked out of the room knocking everything askew with the force.

The med tech shuddered, “I, I,” you placed your hand on his arm.

“It's okay,” you said reassuringly, “do I need any further treatment?” He shook his head.

“Then you're dismissed,” you said softly he started to turn but then suggested he help you change into something more comfortable since you couldn't move around yourself. He found one of Ben’s oversized shirts and helped you undress and slip into it. He gave you a sleeping pill and tucked you in. “Thank you for your kindness,” you said. He nodded then excused himself. 

Curling onto your side you drifted in and out of a fitful sleep, you worried about Ben, his random temper spikes pulling you to the surface and making you shudder. Later you awoke as the mattress dipped behind you. Ben's hand caressed your hip then slid up to your torso as he pulled you against him. Feigning sleep you didn't respond he sighed, his breath scented by Corellian whisky. Resting his face against your neck you felt the dampness of his cheeks, “I'm sorry,” he whispered softly. 

Scooting closer you sighed as his grip tightened on you, pulling you tight against himself, “Did you erase my memories Ben?”

He shuddered, “Please,” he said softly, he ran his fingers through your hair, “I cant…” He sniffled.

“You gave me a memory rub, why?” You fought to keep your anger in check.

“I can't tell you, I made a promise to someone.” His voice shook. You turned to face him grunting with effort, the medicines had long worn off and the pain had returned.

He looked pitiful and tear stained, brushing the hair away from his brow you asked, “Did I ask you to take away my memories?” He pressed his forehead against yours.

Brushing away his tears you kissed him softly, “Ben, “ you plead quietly.

“There are things,” his voice caught, “there are things that you… you don't need to remember.” His fingers brushed your uninjured cheek, “Terrible things that you didn't want.” Trembling he searched your face, “I can't break that promise.”

He kissed you tenderly, as if you’d shatter, his hands sliding down caressing your sides and then trailed down your back. You tried to deepen the kiss but he held back shaking his head, “Ben, “ you said softly but he reached up gently stroking your other cheek making you wince. Sighing you gave up and relaxed against him, his hands moved as if memorizing your curves.

 

“What about the ones that weren't so terrible?” He groaned softly in exasperation.

“It would only make you want more of them back,” stroking his face you chose your next words carefully.

“But I already know the ultimate outcome, what about the weeks leading up to what happened?” He seemed to think about it but closed his eyes, “Is that a no?”

“No, I'm trying to think about everything I hid,” he opened his eyes, they were gleaming, his lips trembled. “There might be some I can give back, but there will be feelings attached that you might not understand.”

He chewed his lip, “I want it,” you said but he looked uncertain.

“It will hurt,” he said as he pushed a lock of hair behind your ear.

“It want it.” He nodded, and his fingers pressed against your temple.

“Take a deep breath,” he said as a searing pain shot through your skull and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know I said I'd start updating once a week but apparently I'm a terrible liar, but I do have a backlog of chapters my beta and I are going through.


	10. There is Only Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You receive some much needed medical attention while you and Ben become closer.

There is only passion

His fingers dug into your hips but you didn't care, you were so close that you'd stopped feeling any pain, “Say it,” he moaned as he thrust forward. You cursed clutching the edge of the console, you moaned loudly, “say it!” He pleaded, you weren't the only one close to falling apart.

“Bennnnn,” you moaned loudly, he grunted.

“No!” It almost sounded like a whine, “You know what I want to hear,” he punctuated the last word with a strong thrust and you almost lost your balance, it sent a ripple of pleasure so strong through you that you arched backwards, almost standing, he wrapped his arm around your middle holding you there, “Say it!!!”

“Oh Kylo! Ahhh, Mmmm Kylo Reeeen!” He cursed loudly coming undone and bucked wildly into you. You both fell forward when he lost control, your hip slammed into the console as his weight crashed against you. “Owww kriff, get off me,” he kissed your neck and slowly stood, lifting you with him until you came unsteadily to your feet. He was all grins as he turned you to face him, “Wipe that grin off your face, I'm going to have bruises all over.”

He chuckled and pushed you back against the console, “Nothing's going to wipe this grin off my face,” he kissed you hard hooking his hands against your rear lifting you on to the console, “that was hot, say it again.”

You rolled your eyes, “Come on Ben, you know I don't like that name,” he slipped his hand in between your legs, you screwed your eyes shut panting against his shoulder.

“Say it,” he whispered against your throat as he nipped it.

“No, uhhh, it's cr-cr-creepy!” you tried to say as you shuddered against him.

Lining himself up he thrust up into you hard making you dig your fingers into his sides, “Ahhh,” he growled, “mphm it's not creepy,” he started thrusting at a slow and deliberate pace. You clung to him wrapping your legs around him. “He said it's an honor to receive a name from his culture, Ohhhhh,” he said circling his hips drawing a loud moan from you, “Uncle Luke wants us to win him over anyways uhhhh,” he kissed you hard making your toes curl, he grinned feeling them against his hips. He cursed and bit your shoulder dragging you over the edge and you came hard around him pulling him with you into oblivion. He slumped against you lazily kissing your shoulder.

“It's still creepy Ben,” you said pushing him off and sliding off the console, he followed you through the small ship as you gathered up your robes and tried to redress.

“It's not creepy,” he said pulling you in for a gentle kiss, you melted against him.

“I don't like him, he made my skin crawl,” he grinned.

“What was it he called you? Viper?” He chuckled and you made a face, “He’s not wrong,” he said wrapping his arms around you pulling you in flush against himself, “your strike is as deadly as a vipers.” 

“It wasn't viper, it was Vel’Pula Ram or Rah, or something like that,” you said trying to remember. “But it means something like deadly strike.”

“I like Vel’Pula Ren better,” he said nipping at your ear.

Rolling your eyes you zipped your pants as Ben tried unzipping them. You fought him, “Stop that, we have to check in.”

“That doesn't require the view screen,” he said in a mock jedi mindtrick tone as he tried to push your robes back down your shoulders. He whistled as he ran his thumb over your shoulder. “Better not let Uncle Luke see you in anything sleeveless for a few days, I can see teeth marks,” you punched him playfully on the chest and he giggled.

“Get dressed, we need to do a visual check in so he doesn't get suspicious,” Ben scoffed.

“He sent us on a week long mission by ourselves, he knows,” Ben said caressing your wrist, the new leather bracelet stiff and chafing.

“Even if he knows, we have to keep up appearances,” Ben kissed the back of your hand.

“My mom married my dad, and she-”

“She didn't become a Jedi, you heard him, Jedi don't marry, we'd both be out of the order, he ignores our relationship so he doesn't have to end it Ben, if he suspected how far things have gon-”

He silenced you with a scorching kiss leaving you breathless, “Snoke said it wasn't always that way,” he whispered against your lips.

“He’s not a Jedi,” you said, everything about Snoke rubbed you the wrong way.

“No, but he’s a force user and he’s older than anyone Uncle Luke’s met, he wants his knowledge. Uncle Luke might learn new ways of doing things.”

It was your turn to laugh, “I think if I ever see him do anything new or different I'll die of shock,” you cursed, “Drop us out of hyperspace we almost missed the relay point.”

“Aye aye captain,” Ben said ducking the data pad you threw at him.

“Don't call me that!”

“But you're in command,” he said grinning.

You sighed, “I didn't ask for it,” you said quietly.

“He just trusts you more,” he said wistfully turning serious suddenly.

“No he trusts you,” you said trying to find the right words while keying in the uplink codes, “Or he wouldn't have sent you on such an important mission. “ 

Stars flew in to focus and then slowed as you came into sublight, grinning you craned your head around to watch the stars, you could feel Ben’s gaze on you, “Never gets old for you does it?” 

“It's just always so mesmerizing,” you stretched out feeling for other ships in the area, “I think we're clear, you feel anything?” Ben squinted and shook his head, “Check the scanners to be sure, then I'll start transmission.”

Suddenly you were back in bed with Ben, all of your emotions slammed into you at once. Ben stroked your hair and made calming noises, a cold sheet of sweat broke out all over your body and you curled against him.

“It’s okay,” he said gently, “it can be startling when it comes back like that.” You shuddered pressing your face against his chest, “easy,” he said, “you’ve got broken bones in your face.”

“I’m okay,” you sniffled, “that wasn’t too bad.”

“Sleep now,” he said, kissing your forehead.

“Did we trust him in the beginning?” You asked, “Snoke I mean,” his hand caressed your back, “before everything happened?

”

“I’ve always trusted him, you were skeptical but you came around.”

Shuddering you drew closer to him, “Should I trust him now?” You whispered.

“Yes,” he sad softly kissing you again, “he’s on our side, I told you some of the feelings attached to the memory would be confusing, but you’ll sort them out soon.”

****

The next day aboard the Finalizer, the med tech prepped you for surgery, “You'll be groggy for a few hours afterward, we'll keep you drugged until the bacta treatment, “ you frowned. “You have my word Ma’am, you'll be safe in my care, and I'm sure,” he swallowed looking to Ben, “Commander Ren’s presence will further assure your safety.”

“Thank you Dr? I'm sorry I haven't gotten your name yet.” 

He shifted, “I'm MT-2275,” he said uneasily eyeing Ben, “please relax I need to start an IV,” you sighed but the thought of being put under terrified you especially after Leobla’s brutal training.

“I’ll be with you through each step,” Ben said, his hand resting on your shoulder. The med tech tried not to show his unease, but his hands started shaking. 

“Is there anyway that I can remain awake?” The med tech swallowed hard.

“Ah, no ma’am, not safely,” you started to question him when you realized he meant the safety of the doctors and surgeons, frowning you nodded giving him your arm. “Just breathe,” he said as he inserted and situated the IV you concentrated on breathing. “I'll start you on just saline, you may have a funny sensation in your nose when the drip starts. When we get into the operating room, we'll start the sedative. Relax, I'll be back to move you soon.”

Ben sat beside you on the bed, taking your hand between his, “I know you're scared,” he said, “but once you’ve healed we can begin our work,” he kissed your hand gently, “we'll keep up with mental training,” he looked serious and concerned. You wondered where the boy from your memory had gone, so carefree. “Hey,” he said softly squeezing your good hand. 

“I'm sorry,” you said softly, “I'm just scared and trying to bury it,” he stroked your face. “When do I have my first Bacta treatment?” 

“Tonight,” he said softly, “I’ll stay with you.” He said gently stroking your hair. 

“Like you did before,” he smiled.

“Yes, like I did before, but you shouldn't be as confused this time around.”

“I really thought you were dead Ben,” his smile faded.

“In almost all ways, that boy is dead.” he said softly looking down at your hand.

“You keep saying that, but then I get glimpses of him,” you squeezed his hand, “I think he's in there.”

“It's him that you care about isn't it?” His voice had gone to a low whisper, as if he couldn't trust it.

“I care about you, Ben-Kylo Ren, whatever name your heart wears mine belongs to it.” His look of shock overwhelmed you, “and yours belongs to mine.” The words hung in the air for a moment and neither of you breathed, then Ben leaned down and kissed you gently, you deepened the kiss not caring if it hurt. Your fingers were tangled in his hair when you heard a nervous cough.

Red faced and embarrassed the med tech stood there, “We’re ready to begin Ma’am,” he said clearing his throat.

Floating down the hallway you could hear Ben's boots hit the floor heavily beside you but you couldn't see him, before the operating room door opened he grasped your hand and you looked up into the visor of his helmet. “You're safe, I'll be behind the glass.” You nodded and relaxed against the bed. Two surgeons stood aside for the bed to attach to the new mooring while several surgeon and MD droids scurried around the room.

“Please inhale this ma’am,”said one of the surgeons as he placed a plastic mask over our mouth and nose, a droid injected something into your IV and the operating room faded out.

A few times you heard someone in the distance talk about increasing medication, and a few shouts but ultimately you stayed pinned to the bed unfeeling, until you awoke to a darkened room.

Trying to look around you saw Ben's dark hair against the white sheet covering you. Your hand felt as heavy as lead but you lifted it to stroke his crown. Slowly he awoke and lifted his head, he smiled, “You look good for someone that tried to wreck an operating room.”

“What?” You asked alarmed.

“No one was hurt,” he said smiling, “but you woke up a few times, knocked over some machines, even crushed a droid.”

You were in shock, “They didn't use enough did they?” He grinned and shook his head.

“Nearly as bad as that time you had to have your appendix out,” he lifted your hand to his lips.

You sighed, “I'm just a bad patient. I didn't hurt anyone?”

“No, but I think they'll consider your request to be awake next time,” blushing you sighed. “How do you feel?”

“Pretty good. Tired, I think they have me pretty doped up,” you felt surprisingly good. “How bad was my knee? “

“Bad, even if you hadn't walked around on it it would have needed surgery. How did you do that? I felt your pain and then suddenly nothing but rage.”

Shrugging you said, “I'm not sure, I'd kept everything boxed, and drew on it like we practiced, but then suddenly I had access to all of my anger, I went cold, I could feel the pain but I just didn't care. Any word on TW-2479?”

“He has been fitted with a prosthetic and resting, he has a few more days of leave and some more adjustments before he can go back to duty.” 

“Phasma?” The look she'd given you still haunted your thoughts.

“She's…,” he stopped to think for a moment, “she's not sure what she saw, she's a little frightened, but she'll get over it soon, I promise.”

“She pulled a blaster on me,” you relaxed back against the pillows. “She'd have to know I wouldn't hurt her.”

Ben shifted to standing then pacing, “What she claims to have seen is impossible.” 

“What did she see Ben?” You could feel the dread rising within you.

He took a deep breath, “She says your eyes turned yellow.”

Cold crept across your body settling in your chest, “That's not possible,” you shuddered.

“That's what I told her.” Ben stared at you, “What did the voice sound like?”

“Like velvet to my mind, it told me to kill him, just like it told me to kill Leobla, it's the same one from my vision, I'm sure of it.” 

Frowning he said, “We need to find that temple,” he stopped pacing and came back to your side. “What?”

You grinned, “Just thinking about the memory you gave me back,” you blushed, a small smile cracked his lips.

“They must have you on something strong, “ he leaned down and kissed your forehead but you pulled him down and kissed him harder.

“Hey,” he said, “there's plenty of time for that when you're healed.” He caressed your cheek gently, “he's coming, “ you straightened up and smiled at the med tech, which threw him off even more than your normal demeanor.

“We're ready for you in the bacta room ma’am,” he swallowed. Ben nearly snickered but reined it in. The med tech helped you into a hover chair and pushed you down the hall to the bacta room.

“This is a lot different than last time,”you said softly the drugs had made your fear subside and you were filled with wonder .

“You're in much better shape and you don't need as heavy sedation as you did, although we barely kept you out.“

“Have the medics considered her request to not be sedated so she can meditate and speed healing?” The med tech nearly stumbled.

“If I'm awake I can control my reactions better. Less chaos and mayhem.” Ben turned his head so he could smile at the mayhem comment.

“I'll discuss it with the doctor on duty, even so you'll still be on a sedative.” 

Sighing you nodded as he prepped you and arranged the straps to lift you into the tank, it wasn't as terrifying this time. Ben watched as you were lowered into the thick liquid, you felt the sedative immediately and time became unreal again. A few times you opened your eyes you could see forms, and occasionally make out Ben sitting cross legged meditating. Every time you tried to meditate you dozed off, you felt the familiar pulsing as the muscle stimulators brought you to the surface of your consciousness.

Soon you were dressed in a clean medical gown and we're off to your quarters. Still groggy you didn't pay much attention at first, “Were going the wrong way,” you said softly.

“No, it's the right way,” said Ben squeezing your shoulder, “You'll be staying with me.” Once in the room he lifted you from the hover chair and put you in his bed.

“We’ll begin PT in the morning Ma’am, somehow you've managed to almost fully heal yourself but the tendons need to be conditioned.

Nodding you smiled as you relaxed into the covers, Ben excused the med tech and slipped in bed beside you. “So you’re almost completely healed? “He grinned stroking your cheek, “I'm impressed,” he took an inventory of all your injuries inspecting the to make sure you were healed. “Knee still tight?”

Nodding you winced as he tried to stretch it, “Ohh stop,” he started massaging around it, “that tickles too much, owww!”

“Sorry, I wish you were back to one hundred percent.” A frown crossed his features.

“What is it?” You asked laying your head against him.

“I'm leaving tomorrow. After hearing your med report I'd hoped you could go, but you're still under restriction.” He massaged your knee gently.

“But I'll be ready in a week or so,” you could tell the thought of being separated bothered him just as much as it did you.

“I know buy it can't be delayed, I think I finally have a location on the scavenger.” You stiffened.

“Ben you can't face her alone,” your hand shook, “you have to wait.”

“I won't initiate anything, I believe she found Luke.”

“She's going to be stronger than she was,” you caressed his scar, “Did she give this to you?” He nodded, straddling him you kissed it fom beginning to end planting gentler kisses on his jaw, “Don't get close to her Ben, she'll kill you this time.” 

“I was injured when I faced her,” you could feel his deep sorrow as his hand absently rubbed his torso.

“Did she give you that too?”

“No…” he closed his eyes, fighting back tears.

“What happened on StarKiller? Phasma mentioned it as if I'd know.” 

“I made a mistake, one I'll pay for forever. “ He leaned forward his head resting against you. You saw the horrible image from his dream.

“That won't happen,” you stroked his hair thinking of the last time you'd seen Han.

“That dream wasn't a vision Y/N.” His breath became ragged, “I killed him.”

His words rolled around not connecting, “How?” You asked softly holding him tight against yourself.

“I ran him through with my lightsaber and then Ch-chewie shot me.” You couldn't believe his confession, he killed Han. Months of repressed emotion flowed through him you pulled him down on the bed and rested his head against your heart.

“Then what happened?”

“I faced her, and with no skill or training she bested me, she cut through my knee and sliced my face. She looked like she'd kill me but then stopped.”

“Why do you think she stopped,” he shook again as another sob wracked his body.

“I don't know, she looked so angry, she… she thought of Han as her father, and then I took him away.” You kissed him gently while stroking his hair. 

“Do you plan on killing her? Or M-master Luke?” You could feel your own tears starting to trail down your face. Han died, you couldn't wrap your mind around it. Han and Ben had their differences but Han loved Ben fiercely.

“I don't know, I...” he trailed off looking up at you, “I don't know what I'll do if I face her, I'm supposed to either turn her or kill her.” You caught a flash of her face from Ben's thoughts her teeth bared ready to land a killing strike but then she backed away.

“She didn't want to kill you, she let her anger over take her,” you said softly, “Where is she?” 

“I've tracked them to an unnamed planet, Uncle Luke's been there for a while. It's only on the chart that we retrieved from empire records but even there it has no name. “

“The first temple?” the story came back to you, Master Luke had been obsessed with finding the first Jedi temple he told all kinds of tales of what he hoped to find there. He wanted to commune with the spirits of the first jedi.

“I think so,” he relaxed against you as you stroked his scalp, he sighed contentedly a smile coming to his lips, “do you remember our plan to find it?” He asked wiping his eyes. 

Smiling you replied, “We’d take off and chart a way there finding it because we were the best Jedi in the galaxy, then we'd gather all this knowledge and bring it back to the academy.”

He grinned nuzzling you, and then tilted his face up and brushed your lips with his, “More,” you said. He turned nimbly hovering over you, he brushed your lips again, “more,” he grinned kissing you again lingering until you opened your mouth to speak but he deepened the kiss sinking against you, his hands on either side of your head. Your hands slid along his sides and down his back, searching for any skin exposed, he sighed when your fingers found a small patch exposed at the small of his back.

“More,” he said against your lips, you sized his bottom lip as you slid your fingers upwards over his smooth back. He groaned softly and kissed you hard, moving his hands to the tie at the side of your medical gown when his comm unit beeped, he cursed sitting up and answering it, “What!” He shouted and you had to stifle a laugh, he glared down at you and it made you laugh harder.

“Ren,” it was Phasma’s voice, “We have a problem in the detention level, your assistance is requested.”

He cursed again, he gave you a quick peck on the lips, “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

“You'd better be,” he grinned and then placed his helmet on his head.

“Rest, “ his modulated voice said, “when I come back I'm turning off the damn comm unit.” You snickered, after he stormed out you realized you really had to use the refresher. The med tech had left crutches, you summoned them with the force and eventually got up and hobbled to the refresher. 

It was an invasion of privacy you knew but you couldn't help going through his things, smelling his shampoo and seeing what he kept in his medicine cabinet. Surprisingly not a lot, almost everything on the shelves were things from your bathroom that someone had packed up and moved to Ben's quarters. All he had were a few grooming products, curiosity satisfied for now you headed back to the bedroom and opened the viewport and gasped. p>

At cruising speed the Finalizer sailed through the Bilbringi Shipyards where there were dozens of ships nearly its size under construction. Feeling rather than seeing Ben come back in the room he walked up behind you, “Beautiful isn't it?”

“It's breath taking, I've always wanted to see it,” he nuzzled your neck. “When did the first order take control of it?”

“A few months ago, soon we'll have a whole fleet of Resurgent Class ships,” you shuddered as he pulled you against him. “Soon our forces will be doubled, the Resistance won't have a chance.”

The pride swelled within him, “Has there been a negotiation with the Resistance? A way to come to peace?”

“You know that any peace would be false and just delay the inevitable.” His lips were against your neck and his fingers made quick work of the ties holding your gown together. It fell away pooling at your feel. He scooped you up, “I didn't know you were wearing nothing under this,” he said, his voice at a low growl.

Smiling you pulled him in for a sultry kiss, he laid you down on the bed and stepped back. He pulled and unfastened his outer robes pushing his suspenders down over his shoulders. Dropping everything but his underwear to the floor he crawled over top of you. “Now where were we?” he asked, his voice smooth and eyes full of lust.

“I think we skipped a few steps,” you said softly your fingers dipping to his waist band and inching the tight fitting underwear down slowly.

“I wanted to jump to where we should have been,” he slid down flush against you as you wrapped your legs around him. Only the thin material separated you, you could feel every inch of him as he pressed against you.

“I'm not letting you go this time, “ you said as his hands moved over you pulling soft moans from your lips.

“I made death threats. I am not to be disturbed until morning,” you raised your eyebrow. 

“I get you to myself all night?” He nodded before nipping your lower lip. “Let's not waste any of it,” your voice caught in your throat as he nipped his way down your neck, each one harder than the one before.

Reversing his hold you rolled him onto his back, the shock didn't have a chance register before you ground against him leaning forward kissing him deeply. Your hands slid up his chest as his hands trailed along your back raising goosebumps then without warning he flipped you back onto your back grinning goofily as he kissed you, working his underwear down he toed it off. Nothing separated you now, not time or distance. “Are you sure?” He asked as if terrified of the answer. “Yes, I'm just as sure as I was then,” he smiled sinking against your body as he stretched forward tucking your hair behind your ears and kissing you tenderly, slowly building to smouldering passion until you were writhing beneath him.

***

Every muscle felt exquisitely heavy as you neared the surface of consciousness, Ben's body pressed against yours making you sigh contentedly until an intrusive sound piqued your attention. You tried to sit but his heavy arm held you close like a vice, the view screen beeped against the darkness, stretching you removed his arm and he rolled over mumbling in his sleep.

You touched the screen to see that you had a message waiting. Groaning you opened it. It had no video but a scratchy audio file heavily distorted in some parts, the data must have been corrupted by radiation at some point but it was clearly Master Luke's Voice: 

“Y/N! An old friend has told me you may be in danger. Please meet me at the back up extraction point, I'll wait for you for 7 standard days.”

You played it several more times in disbelief you knew where to find Luke. “Ben!” You hissed nudging him with the force before hobbling back to bed, “Ben wake up!” You were nearly in a panic, you wanted desperately to meet with Master Luke but you couldn't hide this from Ben. Not now, not ever.

He mumbled, “Whaa?” He tried to focus on you, “What is it?”

“You have to listen to this,” you replayed the message and he sat straight up. 

“Play it again,” he listened to it several more times.

“How did he get get it to me? “ You asked, Ben stood with his back turned and slipped on his pants. He paced back and forth. 

“It's Obi Wan again,” he mumbled.

“How?”

“When he looked in your mind he must have swiped the codes, I told you he's only trouble.”

“But we know where he is now,” you said softly.

Ben turned to you, “You know what that means?”

Nodding you pulled up the star map, “ He's there,” you said pointing to Onderon, “it was the meetup site if anything went really wrong at the school…” you trailed off. Ben looked astonished.

“I remember that,” he said agreeing pulling up the planet specifications and maps. “It's only about three days away,” he stood there calculating. “It's got to be a trap, if we get the fleet mobilized we could--”

“He wouldn't set a trap, he thinks I'm on the path to the dark side.” You slid down to the floor resting your back against the bed.

“You're not going alone.” He sounded almost angry, but kept, his tone level.

“Are you going with me?” Ben frowned and started pacing again. “If I go, I go in peace, I won't bring down a hell storm when he only wanted to check on me.”

“In peace !? He infiltrated our network…”

“In peace Ben Solo. “


	11. Through passion I gain strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find an old friend and deal with more memories.

Through passion I gain strength.

The small vessel touched down, stretching your knee you stood to flip the remaining switches for the power down cycle. It had taken two days but between your determination and the med tech’s skill your knee worked well enough to walk with a cane, you were unsteady but it was as good as it would get for a few more days. 

 

Ben scanned the horizon, “I can't pick anything up on scanners but you're right, he's close.” he squinted.

“See that?” You pointed to an out cropping, “it looks like a standard issue rebellion hab-pod.”

“Yeah with camo-netting over it. “ He cursed, “This is as close as we're gonna get, think you can make it?”

Nodding you gathered up your pack and attached your saber to your utility belt, “Ready?”

“Yeah, ready for a trap.” He said angrily, when he caught your glance he scowled, “What do you want my saber so I won't cut him down?” You raised your eyebrow, “Fine!” He yelled tossing his saber at you. “I forgot how annoying you get when you plan a mission,” he said sourly.

It took over two hours to climb to the hab at your pace, Ben had to help carry you over some of the more difficult rocks. When you finally reached the rise you saw the hab before you, your breath hitched when the door opened and Luke walked out. Dropping your cane you ran at him and embraced him hard, tears streaming down your face. He slowly placed his arms around you and then embraced you just as fiercely.

With a shaking voice you told him you missed him. “I'm just glad you're alive sweet heart,” he said pulling back caressing your cheek, “when you never came back I... I thought the worst had happened.” You cried harder hugging him again.

Ben watched from a distance his visor glinting in the pale sunlight, Master Luke stiffened, “We're here in peace Master Luke” you said softly Luke relaxed but only slightly when you handed him your lightsabers.

“Come inside,” he said tensely, “both of you.”

Motioning to Ben he approached slowly watching Luke retreat inside the building, Ben's cloak whipped around him, “I don't like it,” his modulated voice harsh.

“We’re welcome,” you said trying to reassure him.

“You're welcome, I'm not.” he said looking down at you. Grasping his hand you pulled him through the doorway he gave little resistance.

Luke stood in the corner removing his outer cloak in the warmth of the habitat. A young woman stirred a stew on the cookstove. She looked much younger than you expected, lean and almost feral, the scavenger you realized. Dipping your head you walked deeper in and started to remove your cloak, Ben stood stiffly behind making no move to remove his cloak or helmet.

You started to nudge him when he spoke, “You see that she's well, is that all you wanted old man?”

Gaping at Ben you shook your head, “Ben forgets his manners master,” you took a ration pack from your belt, “I have provisions to add to your meal if we may join,” the scavenger took the pack from you.

“Bread?” she asked, you nodded. She busied herself activating the bread, it started rising in the packaging and steam leaked from the seams. She looked over shoulder at you suspiciously but returned to her task.

“You are welcome at my table, but you must come in brotherhood.” Luke extended his hand and you shook it heartily, he turned his gaze to Ben who turned his head to you. Motioning to Ben you could feel the anger roll off of him, finally with a distorted sigh Ben slunk over to the table and shook Luke's hand. 

“In brotherhood,” he said angrily. Luke nodded solemnly and motioned to the Scavenger, she brought over bowls of the steaming stew and the bread now fully baked. the four of you sat down Ben remained stoic and helmeted until you nudged him hard with the force, finally after sighing again he removed it and scowled at everyone around the table. 

The scavenger’s eyes seemed glued to Ben's face, his scowl deepened when he caught her staring. She looked down at her stew then started eating ravenously as if she feared someone would snatch it away. Picking up your spoon you dug in, despite being mostly ration protein and foraged vegetables it was tasty and familiar.

You smiled and the corner of Luke’s mouth turned up and he began eating himself. Ben moved the food around with his spoon but took a chunk of bread and ate it instead. Rolling your eyes you continued eating. After the meal finished you cleared the table and the scavenger helped you wash up the dishes. 

“I’m Y/N,” you said softly.

“I’m Rey,” she held out her hand and you shook it, she smiled and it warmed your heart a bit.

“I've heard a bit about you,” you said smiling.

“I've heard about you too, “ she said glancing over your shoulder concerned about leaving them together.

“He's on his best behavior,” you said softly.

She frowned, “I've only seen him at his worst.” 

“Believe me, that wasn't his worst,” you turned to look at him, his eyes focused on you then narrowed at the girl beside you.

“Tell me Luke Skywalker, why do you believe my apprentice is in danger?” Ben brought his hands into a fist resting his chin on it. You crossed the room to stand behind him.

“She's surrounded by darkness, she's fragmented, I'd say she's in terrible danger.” Luke's scowl matched Ben's as they stared at each other from across the table.

“Master Luke,” you said gently, “I'm not in danger, I…”

“Obi-Wan said you were badly injured and that you refused to leave, to abandon Ben.”

“Kylo Ren,” Ben said firmly, “My name is Kylo Ren.”

“Whatever you call yourself now, if she's near you she's in danger.” Ben stiffened, you placed your hand on his shoulder.

He relaxed marginally, “Her injury was not my doing.” He said looking down, you could feel that Luke struck a nerve.

“Obi wan told me you allowed it to happen, that and worse things.” Ben looked at him anger in his eyes. “He told me you allowed her to be at the mercy of Snoke. Would you kill her if he commanded you.”

“Yes.”

The admission should have shocked or hurt you but it didn't, you knew the reasoning behind it. He would kill you to keep you from a far worse fate. “Master Luke,” you started but he held his hand up, Rey stared at you from across the room, as if she didn't know whether or not a fight was soon to break out.

“Does anything of my nephew still exist?”

“No, I destroyed him long ago,” you looked down, a tear had formed.

“If it were Ben sitting before me Y/N, I wouldn't fear for your safety, but Kylo Ren admits that Ben no longer exists. Come with me.” His blue eyes seemed brighter than they had been since you'd landed.

“Master Luke…”

“There is no way she leaves with you old man, we only came because she insisted we had to. The next time we meet, I kill you.” Ben stood and pushed away from the table and stalked out side. 

Wanting to cry you held back, instead sitting in Ben's chair, facing Luke. “Master Luke, I'm sorry.” You said softly.

“Still apologizing for him?” He shook his head sadly, “Come with me, help me finish Rey’s training, the three of us can turn the tide in this war.” His eyes were pleading and his hand warm as he took yours into his.

“I’m sorry, I can't,” you could feel the pull to him towards the light, it was strong and it was warm. It felt like the future you had dreamed of as a padawan. “I’m on Ben’s side.” Luke squeezed your hand gently.

“Ben is dead, he would have never killed Han, killed students,” tears were now on your cheeks, “I don't know what he's done to you, so much of who you are is just gone, when you left to confront him you told me he’d either return with you or you'd kill him. When you didn't come back I…” he trailed off.

“You figured he'd killed me,” he nodded.

“There's so much darkness around you and in you,” he shook his head, “Obi Wan is right, if you stay with him, it will consume you. “ 

“I think it's already too late,” you said softly Luke shook his head but you pushed on, “I hurt someone, badly I wanted to kill him, I heard… I heard a voice,” your voice caught, “Master Luke,” you shook your head, “I don't know that I can come back from the path I've started down.”

“Don't let him pull you down this path,” it sounded like a plea, “your love for Ben is going to be twisted until you won't recognize yourself.”

“The Supreme Leader has hooked him with this idea that, if the First Order takes control it will end the war in the galaxy, that through fighting and winning this war in the end the good will outweigh the bad.” You couldn't meet his gaze, “Ben saved my life, but not only that, I was gone, “ you looked up at him, “ I lost everything, the school, you, Ben, then my whole family. I'd lost everyone I'd ever known, ever cared about, then Ben came back in my life.” You trembled, “I can't turn my back on him, if I leave him now his last shred of what makes him Ben will snap. “

Luke's expression was unreadable, “You really believe he's in there?”

“I believe in Ben as much as you believed in Anakin.” Luke squeezed your hand and stood, crossing over to Rey who stood there arms crossed, “I know you hate him Rey, I, I don't remember everything that happened that shaped who he is… I asked him to take it away before I ended up with my parents, but I know who he is on the inside. He doesn't enjoy what he's become, he believes he's doing the right thing. I can't leave him again, I can't lose him again Master Luke,” standing you turned to leave, Luke crossed to you and pulled you into a crushing hug and you sobbed into his shoulder.

“There will always be a place for you with me, you know that,” he kissed your cheek gently, “I wish I could make you come with me, but you have to go where the force leads you.” He squeezed your arm gently.

“Thank you Master Luke, may the force be with you,” he nodded.

“May the force be with you,” he replied, he wiped a tear away from his grizzled cheek as he handed you both of the lightsabers.

Exiting the hab the wind hit you full force, you hadn't felt its chill on the climb up you limped to Ben's form at the edge of the out cropping and handed him his light saber. He hung it from his belt and handed you your cane. “I'd better carry you down,” he said, the modulator sounding far away, nodding you climbed on his back when he stooped and he force lept his way down the rocks.

At the bottom you were numb, sliding off Ben's back he turned to you tilting your face up, “Don't waste tears on him.” His voice while meant to be tender came through the modulator harsh making you cry harder. He removed the mask and kissed you gently, then picked you up and carried you into the small ship. He placed you in the bunk sitting on the edge stroking your back. “Do you want to stay with him?” His voice shook as he asked the question.

Pulling him down you wrapped your arms around him, “No,” you stroked his face, “No, I'm always with you. “ He pulled you tight against himself.

“Rest, I'll take us out,” you shook your head.

“I’ll help,” you said he held out a hand and pulled you up, kissing you again gently, he led you towards the cockpit hand in hand. Taking a seat the two of you ran through preflight check and finally took off. Staying low you surveyed the planet until you felt it, a pull to the southern continent , “Ben…. Do you feel that?”

He nodded his hands flying over the sensors, your breath caught the closer you came, “Is that it?” You hovered over it, a black stepped pyramid, nodding mutely Ben circled it. The sensors were showing faulty readings bouncing back and forth blowing a few of the gauges you yelled and Ben cursed, your vessel started going down, it would take days to repair, Ben managed to land it in a clearing in the jungle. Cursing you both ran checks, the electrical damage seemed pretty bad. 

“Comm signal?” he cursed throwing a water canister, you shook your head. 

“What about suborbital comms?” Ben glared at you.

“We're not calling my uncle.” He said angrily, getting to work you both started pulling out panels and started repairs. After several hours only about 10 percent of the electrical repairs were completed, “Do you think we're far enough away to lift off when we're done?”

Closing your eyes and reached out, the ambient energy was still evident at this distance but reduced, “We should be able to,” you sighed wiping sweat away from your brow.”I'm going to make some rations, any preference?” He shook his head and began stripping down the drive panel. Once in the tiny galley you went through the supplies you had enough for about 2 months, repairs would only take a few days at most but the temple, you sighed, who knew how long that would take.

Stretching your leg and testing weight on it you selected a meat and cheese ration and activated them, checking the water reserves you found only had about a week's worth which meant sonic showers, you made a face but came back to the cockpit with the food and a pitcher of water sitting down on the floor next to Ben. He ate hungrily and downed several glasses of water.

“Navigation is shot,” he said, “but I think we can rewire a backup sensor panel to work until we can get to an inhabited planet and get a new one,” you nodded.

“Wiring is close enough, that would work for a short time.” he grunted scraping the last of the cheese from the packaging.

“We’ve had worse circumstances,” you nodded in agreement and leaned against him.

“We were stranded for almost two weeks that one time with no supplies,” he nodded.

“You had to keep force healing me,” he said wrapping an arm around you.

“Well you kept reopening your wound you nearly had blood poisoning when we were rescued,” he chuckled.

“This will be easy compared to that, we have food, shelter and work to keep us busy, among other things,” he smiled kissing your cheek. “Come on let's rest for a while,” he stood and pulled you to your feet. Climbing into the small bunk you laid with your face to the wall and he wrapped his arms around you pulling you in close, with in moments he was out, you sighed, the matter of Master Luke was still heavy on your heart. Trying to fight it you sniffled holding back a building sob, he murmured pulling you closer, “Don't worry,” he said softly, squeezing your midsection, “We'll figure it out.” 

Your mind wouldn't quiet down, you kept running through scenarios ending up with Luke or Ben dead, Rey dead by your hand you shuddered. Ben’s leg swung over you heavily, “You think really loud,” he said half asleep. “Hey,” he said, pulling you until you turned to face him, “this is war and it's ugly,” he pulled your head over his heart.

At some point you passed out, but it was fitful sleep plagued by nightmares, you saw a field full of bodies of different ages surrounding the school. All of the buildings were on fire, you didn't know duracrete could burn. “BEN!!!” you kept screaming but you couldn't feel him, the sounds and pain around you were too much, you couldn't breathe, a small girl you'd trained yourself for a year laid gasping at your feet you picked her up, “ Hang on sweetheart,” you said hoarsely, she gurgled and the force left her, “No no nono, BEN!!!!” You screamed again becoming frantic. Almost all the younglings were dead or close to death, you were frantic still clutching the child's body when a pair of hands grabbed you from behind, Master Luke's eyes were wet with tears.

“You need to let go of her, we have to help those that still need it,” he said gently but you refused to let her go, her blood covering the front of your tunic. “Don't forsake the living for the dead.” You could see the pain in his eyes.

“Ben?” You asked trembling.

“I can't sense him either, let's help who we can help Y/N,” the pair of you went from corpse to corpse checking for life you found a Rhodian youngling with a lightsaber burn on his chest. Channeling as much force as you could muster you force healed him enough to stabilize him.

“I found one! Alive!,” you shouted.

“Take him to the med bay and get the med droids started on him bring back a medical sled we should be able to load several on it. You nodded and and force sprinted to the infirmary clutching the small boy to your chest.

He came around enough to start crying, “I know it hurts little one,” you said gently, as you rushed into the infirmary. The sight took your breath, the MD droids were slashed to bits as we're the medical sleds, finally you found a med table on wheels, placing the child in a bed you fumbled with what medical equipment you recognized giving him a pain shot measured out by the sensor and sprayed his wounds with bacta, “be a brave boy for me okay,” his terrified face nodded and he curled into a ball crying. “I’ll be right back!” rushing you came to master Luke, he had found one of the food services workers.

“What happened Mag?” he asked gently as he healed her chest wound. She gurgled and her eyes rolled back into her head. Master Luke's fists shook and he directed you to 3 more younglings .

“Master,” you said catching your breath the infirmary is in shambles,” he blanched.

“We’ll treat what we can, New Republic forces should be here by morning.”

You woke up in a cold sweat gasping for air, Ben's arm reached out for you but you ducked it crouching in the corner of the berth until he settled back to sleep. Crawling over him you made your way to the galley and activated the caf dispenser. Taking a steaming cup you climbed up the ladder to the ship's top access hatch and crawled out.

Watching the sun peek over the trees you sat on the hull lost in thought, after a half hour had passed Ben awoke and started searching for you. You heard the ramp extend with a hiss and he ran out into the jungle circling the ship, then hearing him land nimbly beside you he sat and touched your shoulder gently, “Y/N-” he started but you shrugged his hand off.

 

“Don't touch me Kylo Ren.”


	12. Through strength, I gain power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Repairs are going slow and you're still pissed at Ren as you deal with more of your past coming back to you.

Chapter 12

Through strength, I gain power.

 

The next several days passed quietly since you refused to speak to Kylo Ren. On the first day he stormed off and hacked through nearly an acre of jungle, bringing back some fruits and a small animal that he roasted. It smelled delicious but you ate ration packs ignoring him completely.

The second day you moved into the cockpit putting some distance between yourself and him. The bedroll from the survival pack was too thin but you made it work. Ren sat in the small hallway talking in general about the remaining repairs. Occasionally recounting some adventure you'd shared back at the academy, his hopes for your training, anything to keep the silence from becoming heavy.

Day three you sliced your thumb to the bone with a fusioncutter and Kylo Ren silently cleaned and bandaged it with bacta plasters. He took the allowed touching as a good sign but when he tried speaking you just looked down acting as if you couldn't hear him. Eventually he stopped talking and just laid down next to you on the floor of the cockpit.

On the fourth day he lost it, he started screaming and yelling about how he couldn’t stand the sound of his own voice anymore and that you had to speak to him. You had to tell him what he had done wrong. He started pacing, then he got down on his knees in front of you, “Tell me what I did?” He plead with you, but you stood and walked out of the ship. You went to the edge of the clearing and mediated. Locking your mind against him you searched with in looking for more memories that were hidden or hazy, you’d found an unfortunate amount. When you opened your eyes he sat next to you deep in meditation when you stood to leave he spoke, “Wait,” he said softly looking up at you, his eyes glinting with tears. You sat back down across from him, “Please,” he said, “just tell me why you’ve shut me out?’

“Saebi, Lorna, Mariella, Odrup.” He looked puzzled.

“Which means?” He tried to take your hand but you leaned back out of his grip, his jaw clenched and unclenched several times. 

“Those were their names.”

“Whose names?”

“The younglings that you killed,” you stood and stalked away, he scrambled after you, his face white.

“Younglings that I killed, do you mean at the academy?” He asked frantically.

“Yes,” you refused to face him.

“Y/N,” he touched your hand and you pulled it back as if burned, “How did you remember this?”

“It came back to me in a dream, Lorna I held in my arms as she died, Odrup…. I sat with him all night listening to his breathing get shallower and shallower, the New Republic forces showed up an hour too late…” You were furious, “I could rip the life out of you right now.”

Baring his teeth he got in your face, “Then why don’t you do it? I’d prefer a real fight to all of the attitude and silent treatment!” Your last restraint snapped and you threw him hard with the force into a nearby tree. You felt your rage burning, itching to hurt him.

“Because I can’t live without you again!” You shouted back at him, he deflated and looked down. “Because I can’t stand not talking to you anymore, if I killed you, if you died,” you bit back your tears. “If I killed you, it wouldn't bring them back.” Releasing him you turned to leave.

He reached out for you but you slapped his hand away, he grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you in close against him, you pushed against him fighting him but then melted against him crying. He wrapped his arms around you and slowly sank to the ground pulling you into his lap. 

“I need you too much to kill you, to leave you, but I can't forgive you.” He stroked your hair as you sobbed against him.

“I won't ask for forgiveness, only acceptance: I had it before, what changed that?” Wiping your eyes you looked up at him.

“Ren,” he winced, “knowing what you did is one thing, but to clean up after,” you took a breath trying to smooth the shaking from your voice, “to wrap children in their cloaks because there aren't enough body bags, to hold them as they take their last breath, many of them begging for a mother they’ll never see again? That's different. I don't know how I'm going to live with this but I'll have to. All because I can't kill you and I won't leave you.” Sniffling you straightened looking him in the eye, “Just tell me why you did it?”

“Because the Supreme Leader commanded me to,” he trembled, “it's…” he started but he didn't finish, he closed his eyes, “I did it for the greater good, because if I had waited until they were adults we may not have succeeded.” He searched your eyes, you were horrified by his admission. 

“What harm would more Jedi have done?”

“There's something dark coming,” he started looking into the distance, “We have to have one united front against it, the jedi would have splintered the galaxy again. Uniting behind Snoke is the only way we can beat it.” He looked down at his hands resting on your knees. 

“Unless Snoke is that darkness and he's just using you to get rid of the competition before it has a chance to challenge him.” He looked wounded that you could think such a thing.

“He isn't using me,” you could tell a conflict had been sparked in him, he pushed you gently off his lap and stalked off into the jungle. You could hear the crash and pop of branches and trunks as they fell.

Starting back for the ship you felt the temple call to you again as it had over the last several days, it was getting harder to ignore but you knew the repairs had to be completed first. Which meant you'd have to leave the planet and return, the temple didn't like that plan but it was stationary so it would have to just deal with your planning. 

With climate control off to save fuel the ship had become just as hot as the jungle you had every vent and view port open to try and encourage any airflow but it mostly felt stagnant and humid. Crawling back under a panel near the hyper-drive you sighed as you pulled out even more wiring that needed stripped and redone.

At this point you'd had to sacrifice almost all non essential systems just to get off the planet. At least two more days worth of work, water reserves were low but B-Ren you corrected yourself, had found a stream and you hadn't stripped the purifier yet. That could be last thing broken down then you could lift off with 7 days of water to find some station or someone to help.

 

As far as you could tell any system that had been on got fried by the energy wave from the temple. Luckily things like the hyper-drive had shielding but everything else relied on the shield generator that was unfortunately disabled during lift off, you made a mental note to make sure it's on when you came back.

You heard Ren stomp back onto the ship. He called to you but you didn't answer, he came into the aft and leaned against the blast doors. “I think maybe we should get the tent out and sleep outside tonight.” You agreed, “there aren't two…” He said idly, “We’ll have to share.” He waited for a response but you sighed, “I don't want to sleep alone.” He said softly, “I need you, you calm me.”

“Give me back more memories and I'll sleep with you in the tent,” he sputtered.

“You don't understand, not all of them are good-” He began.

“Not good? A bad memory is running through a field of dead children searching for someone you love terrified he's among the dead, then waking up and wishing he had been. Pass me the sonic wrench,” you said. “A worse memory is waking up in cold sweat next to that same man, thank you,” you murmured when he placed the wrench in your outstretched hand. “Who doesn't understand why that would upset you.” 

“I understand why it upsets you,” he said trying to get down to your level but you were too far under the panel, “but there are feelings attached to a lot of these memories that will be hard to deal with.” He sat with his back to the wall playing with some frayed wiring, “I don't want you to hurt yourself.” You laughed and asked him for some thermal tape, he passed it to you, “Haven't you ever wondered about the scar on your wrist? I know the leather bracelet covers most of it…” 

 

You slid out from under the panel, “What scar on my wrist, I don't have a,” but there it was, 4 inches in length and long faded to white, you looked at him, “I would never…” It hurt to look at it, like it was almost hard to see, you shook your head, “You made me forget about it, didn't you?”

 

“I only took away what you asked me to,” he had tears in the corner of his eyes, “How would you like to walk into your bedroom and find the woman you love half dead and soaked in her own blood knowing you're the cause?” His voice was a low whisper, “you said you didn't want to live in a galaxy where I was capable of such darkness. I had to stitch you up myself we were days away from any doctor. Those memories almost killed you. I won't give them back, especially not out like this.”

 

“I feel like I don't know who I am! I have to wonder about everything.” Ben tried to take your hand in his and calm you, but you ripped it away. “I. DON’T. KNOW. WHO. I. AM!” You screamed throwing the wrench. You heard something break near the cockpit, it was your turn to storm out and you did. Heading into the jungle you ignited your blade and took off, slashing, you didn't know where you going but you were drawn to it, around dusk you stopped resting against a tree trunk. There was something just beyond the tree line but you couldn't make it out.

 

Breaking through you saw the black pyramid shaped temple in the distance, your heart deflated. It didn't look flaming, you walked out towards it when you heard several pops and the path to the pyramid flared to life as it started burning against the quickly darkening sky. Swallowing you tore your eyes away, you knew you needed to get back to the ship, you weren't sure how long you had walked or if Ren followed you. Turning felt painful and every step away sliced at you. Breathing heavily you made it to the tree line and knelt, approach it, the voice hissed in your ear. “I can't,” you said, “I need to go back I can't do it this way,” it almost sounded like it laughed.

Silently you plead with Ben to come to you, not sure of how long you could fight the now overwhelming urge to enter the temple. About 15 minutes later you felt him, “Y/N” he shouted dropping to his knees beside you, he forced his canteen to your lips and you drank as much as you could hold. He wrapped his arms around you, “When you didn't come back I thought,” he looked at the pyramid, “it won't let you go will it?” You shook your head and he blanched, “I'll take you back to the ship, you're in no shape to face whatever it throws at you.” Picking you up he started back to the ship every step away hurt like a knife jabbing under your ribs about a kilometer away you could breathe normally again.

“I think I can walk now Ben,” a smile started at the corner of his lips.

“You called me Ben,” you sighed as he sat you on your feet. You kissed him lightly on his cheek.

“I still don't like the name Kylo Ren,” you said shuddering. “Thank you, I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't saved me,” he smiled wrapping an arm around your waist.

“Think you'll be able to resist it till we take off? “

Nodding you said, “The more space we put between it and ourselves the easier it is to ignore. That close it's overwhelming,” you shuddered again.

“I feel its pull but nothing like that, “ he looked down at you, “but then again it didn't send me a vision, we need to speak to the Supreme Leader.” For once you agreed, you didn't want to go anywhere near it without his opinion.

Later you were laying in the tent next to him his arm slipped around you in his sleep and he drug you closer, you relaxed against him, despite your anger you missed the closeness. Truning over his face looked serene in sleep, you stroked his cheek making him smile and brushed your lips against his, burying your face against him you whispered an apology. You couldn't expect him to be more than he is, you cried softly for the dead, for the boy he had been and the life the two of you could had. Would it have been better had he not done the horrible things that led you here?

Would Master Luke have accepted your relationship? You fingered the leather bracelet remembering the night you donned it. Durring a mission gone wrong you'd met a native tribe strong in the force but with no real technology but as you'd been taught the force often led you where you were needed not where you intended to go. Together you fought off the pirate group that had been terrorizing them. 

You'd made your first kill in the line of duty Ben held you as you sobbed over taking a life. They honored you and Ben with a feast and a bonding ceremony . You'd tried to explain to them a that you were too young and that your kind didn't marry but they told you they could see the deep bonds of love that held you together. They could tell what was in your hearts and wouldn't hear of an objection.

You were married at the base of a snow covered mountain their priest calling down the gods of the mountain to make your love steadfast and true as you tied a leather bracelet around each other wrist. The priest said as long as you wore them you belonged to each other. The little children threw snow flowers in the air and danced. Ben had the biggest grin on his face when he kissed you. 

Upon returning Master Luke could sense a difference in you both but commented that you worked together better than any of his other knights. Probably assuming things had become physical between you, never guessing that things were cemented between you. He'd drop warnings or give speeches about a life of service and sacrifice.

Princess Leia told you and Ben on one of your visits about how Luke had lost the only person he’ loved during the war and wink. Your mother knew that holiday break when Ben came home with you, she said she didn't think your father needed to know yet. 

 

Holding your breath you delved a little deeper in your memory meeting resistance as you hit the wall of a repressed memory. Sighing you pushed against it and through the pain until it snapped. 

 

Ben wanted to tell everyone and you fought about it endlessly before a trip to Hosnian Prime. His parents were both going to be there as was Master Luke, you begged him not to tell them you were sure it would be the end of your careers as Jedi. You'd both only just passed the trials and we're officially Jedi Knights. Coming into orbit there was an agreement struck, Leia and Han would be told then Luke depending on their reactions. You argued that they would tell you it wasn't real since that planet was not a member of the New Republic. Snoke figured hard into his argument that he thought Luke should be open to the ways of the ancient Jedi. 

Meeting with his parents went horribly, Han lost his mind yelling at both of you, you were too young for this sort of thing and then rounding on Leia when she tried to offer support. Then he shook Ben asking if he'd gotten you pregnant. He started screaming about how a baby would ruin your lives. Ben went off the rails and so did Leia, you’d never seen a triple Solo show down and you hoped you'd never see one again. The argument ended with both father and son slamming doors: Ben to his room and Han leaving for the starport. Leia sat on the white sofa sipping a dark purple brandy, she eyed you then handed you your own tumbler nearly full. 

 

She explained Han didn't think that children ruined your life, that he loved Ben… they just weren't ready for him when he came. Two people with demanding careers that didn't allow for family life should think long and hard about children and marriage, she explained that finding a balance is hard, and you could only really do well at one thing while the other two suffered.

 

She showed you to a guest room where you laid on the bed for a while staring at the ceiling. When you heard the door open you moved over and Ben flopped down beside you. Pulling him in close you kissed him, he made a face at your breath but you handed him the tumbler, he downed its contents and laid back. 

 

He talked about running away to the outer rim, you could have a life there away from everyone he said, you nodded curling against him but you knew you could never leave, you'd wanted to be a jedi your entire life.

 

With a jerk you came back to you self suddenly, Ben's hazel eyes were focused on your face, “Are you okay?” You nodded holding onto him tighter. He kissed your forehead.

 

“I'm sorry,” you said softly.

 

“There's no need to apologize,” he looked at you, “but thank you,” his hand trailed up and down your back, “I'm sorry you had to deal with the aftermath of what I did.”

 

“I mean that I refused to run away,” he stiffened.

 

“Another one came back didn't it?” 

 

“Yes,” you said trying not to tremble, the tears were at the brink of spilling but you fought them. 

 

“Which one?”

 

“When we went to Hosnian Prime for break.” 

“And you think everything could have been avoided had we just left?” Nodding the tears started flowing, he sighed, “Sometimes I think about what might have happened, but in reality our parents would have found us, I don't think it would have done anything to change the future.”

 

“You think about it sometimes?” Asking in a small voice barely above a whisper.

 

“I have... I do from time to time, we'd find a planet and make a homestead raise sheep and bantha. We'd build a house and just rely on each other,” he smiled, “You'd knit sweaters for me and I'd carve things out of wood and no one would bother us. “

Watching him intently as he struggled with the next sentence, “I don't know why but I always imagine children,” he watched you guardedly, “a little boy with your eyes and a little girl with my hair,” you could feel your heart stammering in your chest. “I doubt we'll ever get that ending,” you could hear how thick his voice had become as he wiped away a tear.

Laughing softly you hugged him but he frowned, “No I'm not laughing at you, it just matches what I always think of,” he looked amazed.

“Show me,” he whispered, you showed him the little cottage that the pair of you built with your own hands, a small swing in the large tree in the backyard. Two children ran around the yard squealing: a little girl with his dark wavy locks and a little boy with your eyes, you felt his breath become broken. You looked up his tears were on his cheeks, you showed him inside your home, the little flagstones he'd laid with care and the kitchen you'd both worked so hard to build. The solar arrays so you'd have lights and a way to cook and take hot showers. 

 

“You can't have imagined the same thing,” he said, holding you tightly. 

 

“Yours is like this?” He nodded showing you the little path that led to a small creek behind the home and the shed where you'd installed the water purifier, you gasped at the tree carved with your initials as the same children chased colorful bugs. 

 

The similarities were overwhelming, Ben had imagined the same exact children, the same home everything. “Ben…” you started but he kissed you tenderly, he pulled back speechless, “do you think it's a vision? Of the future?”

“More like a torment,” he said softly, “likely just something we’ve shared back and forth through our bonbbond over the years.” You stroked his hair, “something I'll never deserve,” he cried in earnest and you held him until you both fell asleep.

The next morning you awoke alone, peeking your head out if the tent you saw Ben pulling out meter after meter of tubing for water collection, “Have you eaten yet?” You asked walking up behind him and kissing his cheek. He shook his head, his mood still low from last night's talk, “Any preference? “ 

 

He murmured something about sausage and went back to untangling the tubing and winding it around a spool. Wrapping your arms around him you peeked over his shoulder, “We’ll have our happy ending Ben,” he looked fragile, “even if we have to make it happen.” Lowering the gangway you entered the ship to retrieve rations. Activating the ones that Ben wanted you grabbed a few and packed them for the trek to the stream along with two cantines you couldn't wait to be off of this planet and away from the temple.

 

Coming back out you couldn't spot him, but you found him behind the ship working on a kink in the line before attaching it. “The tech that prepared this ship is fired when we get back,” he said darkly, you helped him untangle it then attached the coupling to the port.

“Fired is maybe a bit strong, this is usually done in zero gee and the lines are magnetized so they don't kink or tangle,” he looked at you smirking.

 

“Know it all,” he said chuckling.

 

“I just think they didn't expect us to pull it out at no power under gravity, “ he pulled you in for a playful kiss.

 

“Fine but you get to discipline the tech,” you made a face and he chuckled again.

 

“Breakfast is ready,” he followed you back to the ramp and sat down picking at his nerf sausage and porridge, “Ben, are you okay?” He nodded but you nudged him.

 

“Despite being stranded I'm going to miss being so free here with you,” you smiled and leaned against him. 

 

“We can be together there too,” you said softly, “We just have to be mindful, or,” you paused, “We could run away like we should have all those years ago.”

 

Thinking about it as he chewed, you saw several expressions float over his face, “Snoke would find us, then he'd order me to kill you as punishment,” he looked at you, “I wouldn't…. I,” he looked down at his porridge, “Neither of us would survive, if I refuse to kill you he'd do something horrible, or he'd order you to kill me… neither of us would survive.” Wrapping an arm around his waist you closed your eyes and rested your head on his shoulder.

“Then we'll take it one day at a time until we’re free.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience, my beta also wishes to apologize for the delays. Sometimes life just gets in the way.


	13. Through power I Gain Victory.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With repairs finished its time to head back to the First Order, but as usual the force has other plans for our favorite couple.

 

Chapter 13:

Through Power I Gain Victory

“I can't believe we're holding pressure,” Ben said, “Think we’ll survive the jump to hyperspace? “

“Yeah, but we're only gonna get a few jumps out of navigation before the boards blow,” he frowned.

“What's the closest system or inhabited planet?” He searched through the index on his data pad.

 

“I think Kessel is the closest anything,” he cursed loudly.

“I'd hoped for something in First Order Space,” shrugging you set course for Kessel.

“Ready to jump?” You asked as you placed your shaking hand on the hyper-drive switch, he covered your hand with his.

“See you on the other side,” he said and together you pulled it back initiating the engine. The stars stretched into lines and the smooth tunnel of hyperspace started swirling through the canopy. Letting out your breath you collapsed back against the chair. “Everything looks good,” he said excitedly, “I think we might actually make it.” He smiled broadly, “Gonna make it champ?” He asked playfully and you threw your headset at him.

“I just can't believe we pulled it off,” you sniffed your self, “I can't wait for a real shower,” he chuckled and stood stretching.

“I just hope we don't run into any Resistance forces while in this tub, we'll never stand up in a firefight.” Agreeing you stretched and yawned, “Want to take first sleep shift?” Shaking your head you stood.

“Nah I've got too much nervous energy to sleep, I'm going to check on the sublight drive lines, make sure we didn't burn anything on the way to the hyperspace lane.”

“Need help?” He asked and you grinned.

“Yeah come on, I'll need your help with the internal panels.”  
Luckily you found that the drive lines were intact as you replaced the heavy paneling. “When do we need to drop out of hyperspace and set our bearing?”

“About an hour,” he said scratching his arm, “it's going to be chancy that route has a lot of smugglers and pirates,” he said looking down. 

“I think we'll be okay, this vessel doesn't really look like it has anything to steal and it's looks too clean to be a smuggler ship,” you sighed. “We're gonna stick out like a sore thumb, every conman is going to see us as an easy mark. Do you have any accounts with credits in them?”

He nodded, “If need be I can buy a ship if we can't repair it or just book us passage to First Order Space then we can call for a pickup. “

Sitting on the floor in front of the panel you drank some water, “Think there will be any legitimate ships?”

“I hope not, Kylo Ren is too well known and Ben Solo is either dead or a fugitive, I have no idea how they reported it.” He joined you and motioned for your cantine, handing it to him you watched as he drank.

“So, we book a less than legitimate ship if we can't make repairs then get off on a First Order friendly planet?” 

“Got a better idea?” 

“None, let's just hope we make it,” he stretched out laying his head in your lap, running your nails lightly over his scalp you sighed, “if we don't, the comms we do have are short range, we can only broadcast a signal a few light years in any direction,” he grimaced.

“Well, we can always go into hibernation if we don't get picked up after a few days, how long can the ship last in standby with just comms and life support?” He questioned. 

“A month, give or take a few days? We've only got essential systems anyways, what I wouldn't give for an astromech,” he chuckled. “A droid could rewire our long range comms, I blew two boards trying to do it,” you grumbled.

“You got farther than me,” he said grinning up at you, “ What did you do on your ship anyways?”

“Little bit of everything, rebuilt broken components, security, labor, practically ran the ship. The captain was just glad I could do any task he gave me,” he kissed your fingertips,” those are filthy don't do that.”

He kissed the back of your hand, “I'm just as filthy, “ he said grinning returning his focus to your fingertips.

“We don't have time for that Ben,” he grinned again kissing your knuckles, his teeth grazing your skin. 

“Maybe not,” he said sitting up and kissing you lightly, “but I can't help self.” 

Rolling your eyes you stood and offered him your hand, “Come on moon jockey, let's drop to sublight,” he took your hand and stole another quick kiss before heading to the cockpit.

Coming out of light speed proved to be a bit more difficult, “What do you mean sublight won't come online, you said it was fine! “ He said angrily.

“I said it looked fine!” You shouted as you ran to the aft, “Try restarting it,” you could hear him curse from the cockpit.

Pulling out the fuse you checked it’s components, it seemed intact, replacing it you hit the primer and shouted for him to try it again, this time it hummed and powered up. The ship shuddered as it sped up. Walking back to the cockpit you started to speak when a loud pop sounded from the aft section, “You alright back there?” Ben shouted. 

“Yeah but I think the engine might be shot,” he cursed again and stomped back to you as you pulled out the blackened fuse.

He kicked the panel and asked if there were any replacements, “No that's one of the things we we had to hope we didn't need to replace, we've got hyper drive and thrusters, did we at least get up to cruising speed?”

 

“Almost, at this rate we'll reach Kessel in a few years as long as we don't hit any gravity wells, but we should be okay if someone picks us up.” Frustrated you grunted and punched the bulkhead then wincing in pain, Ben chuckled and took your fist in his hand.

“That's my job,” he said kissing your bruised knuckles, “come on let's go send out a signal. We've got a couple days before things get serious.”

 

Later you shivered as the sweat started drying on your skin Ben pulled the blanket over your shoulders, “We could turn the heat back up,” he said pressing against you sharing his body heat.

“No, we need to conserve energy,” you snuggled closer placing a kiss on his bare chest, “besides you keep me plenty warm.” He smiled cupping your bottom and pressing you against himself. 

“Well I can definitely help you there,” he said pulling your leg over his hip and grinding against you. Kissing him hard you let your hand trail down his stomach to cup him when an alarm went off, “The hell,” he said puzzled, “which alarm is that?”

“I have no idea, sounds like proximity alarm? “ Both of your eyes widened as you scrambled to slip into robes and to the cockpit.

Silencing the blaring alarm you noticed the comms blinking, clicking it a message played, “Small craft this is the Diligent, we received your distress signal please prepare for docking.” Your breath caught, you were rescued.

 

Your breath came short until the flexible seal and docking tube registered a connection. Ben opened the hatch and stood back as a man in a zero gee suit materialized and climbed down the ladder. Once their boots hit solid the deck they turned to you and removed their helmet with a hiss of escaped air.

“Poe Dameron,” he said holding out a hand, you didn't sense anything dishonorable about him, you took his hand and shook it firmly. 

“Y/N, and that's Davyit,” you said quickly without giving Ben a chance to answer, you didn't know if he had any aliases so you gave him the first name you could think of. Without missing a beat Ben repeated the name and shook Dameron’s hand.

“Is that, the Poe Dameron? BEST Damn Pilot in the Resistance ?” Ben asked you weren't sure if his excitement was genuine or not but suddenly you were happy that you'd given a fake name for Ben.

Poe chuckled, “We were going to help you anyways but I like the flattery,” he said grinning broadly, “understand you're in a spot? What seems to be the issue the ship looks fine from the outside?” He grinned at you and you couldn't help but notice how incredibly handsome he was.

“Oh, um we hit an energy spike of some sort and it fried all of our systems we rewired what we could, but a fuse blew when we were at cruising speed and now were dead in the water except for some thrusters,” he made a face.

“I'm glad we caught your signal then, let's take a look and see if we've got anything that can help you,” showing him to the panel he got down and took a look, “you guys rewired all of this?“ 

“We did,” Ben said grumpily, “it took days,” he said trying to make conversation, you nearly snickered until he frowned at you, “We can buy anything you have.”

“Well, bad news is is no, we don't have anything that will work, but we can load your ship on board or tow you to Kessel and I'm sure you can get some universal parts there.”

“We’ll come aboard, safest option in case you have to make a jump to hyperspace,” Ben grumbled. Poe nodded and you hit the close button on the hatch the ship jerked as the soft connection broke.

“Do you need me to take her in for you?” Ben shook his head and took the controls you stood in the back as Poe took the copilot seat. Using the thrusters Ben maneuvered the craft through the magnetic shield and set the ship down a little ungracefully. “Not bad only on thrusters,” Poe said smiling again. “Come on I'll introduce you to the rest of the crew.” 

Ben spoke to you in your mind, keep your light saber hidden, I'm going to hide my mask in the bunk keep fly boy distracted, nodding you started asking Poe about the Resistance.

“Well it's not glamorous but, I'm just doing my part,” he flashed you another smile that made you knees go a little weak. “What's the story with you and Davyit? You guys an item?” Smiling suggestively he eyed your robes as if he knew exactly what you'd been doing before he arrived. blushing you honestly couldn't tell which of you he was interested in.

Smiling stupidly you replied, “Yeah we're an item, “ Poe nodded and turned down the charm but only fractionally. 

“You guys hungry?” He asked concern on his face, “Did you have supplies?”

“We had plenty of provisions, we're happy to share,” you smiled, “But if you got anything other than prepackaged proteins I'm sure both of us would happily trade you anything for a meal that doesn't self cook.”

“Man do I know that feeling,” he said, “We have a wookie cook, you wouldn't believe the flavors she can create out of rations, she can make a protein brick taste like a rare steak.” 

“I haven't had Wookie cooking in years, this will be a treat,” he chuckled stepping closer .

Ben reappeared with a small duffel, “We're ready when you are Dameron,” Poe winked and lead both of you off ship and into the Diligent.

The massive humidity hit you all at once, “Is this a Mon Cala ship?” Ben asked a little gruffly.

“Yeah a Star Cruiser about twice the size of the old MC80’s, humidity is a little stronger than humans prefer but the ship is spacious and very powerful,” Ben nodded, he laced his fingers through yours as you followed Poe through the bustling cargo bay. “It's actually a good thing you guys came aboard today, we’re getting ready to have a shindig of sorts tonight,” he smiled warmly. “Either of you play any instruments?”

“No, I'm afraid not,” you said taking in the vast amount of ships sitting in the bay while resistance orange clad techs and pilots clamored around adjusting things. “This is a pretty chaotic place,” you commented.

“Yeah, but then again we have a lot of smaller crafts docking for the party.”

“Sounds like it will be a fun time,” you said, “we really can't thank you enough for picking us up.”

“It's no problem, saving people is my business,” he said flashing a grin and winking at you both. You could feel Ben inwardly groan and you bumped him playfully with your hip.

“Let's check the mess hall and see what Lehte has left from lunch,” despite his attitude you heard Ben's stomach grumble in response. 

When you walked in the kitchen you were met by a sandy colored wall of fur that wrapped you into a crushing wookie hug. _You poor babies! Stranded out in space! Here I made wookie-ookies,_ she said dropping you and grabbing Ben for an equally crushing hug. He smiled sheepishly and said, “You made wookie-ookies?” He had a vulnerable and sweet expression on his face that melted your heart.

Lehte passed him a cookie the size of his head and Ben nibbled on it with the ghost of tears in his eyes as Lehte ruffled his hair affectionately. _How about you? Do you want a wookie-ookie?_ She asked you nodded and she handed you one as well, and you took it smiling. 

“You guys speak shyriiwook?” Poe asked amazed.

“Yeah,” Ben said quietly, “I've known a few Wookies over the years,” Lehte ruffled his hair again and pulled him into a gentler hug, _I bet you were their favorite_ , she said grinning.

“I don't speak a lot of it, but she’s good at getting across what she wants.” Lehte ruffled Poe’s hair making his curls go wilder . _He's just so pretty,_ Lehte said to you, _both of these boys are,_ and you laughed loudly. _Your mate is the prettiest_ , she said to you cackling. Ben beamed wrapping an arm around you.

“What did she say?” Poe asked.

“She thinks you and Davyit are very pretty boys,” you replied as Lehte started grooming Poe and combing his curls back in order. Poe blushed, “It's an honor for a Wookie to groom you,” Poe smiled broadly.

 

_Save me a dance tonight pretty one_ , she said to Ben who blushed as he bowed, “Of course,” you grinned squeezing his hand gently. You didn't want to break the spell that had been cast over him. Poe showed you around the common parts of the ship: the lounge, the guest bunks, and the comm station. 

“Make yourselves at home, do you guys need a place to bunk for the night?” 

Ben looked to you then answered, “We’ll stay aboard our own ship,” Poe nodded asking if you needed showers or had any laundry, you had never been so excited to have clean clothes or a real shower. Chuckling he led you back to your ship so you could each gather a few things to launder and some toiletries. 

Coming back down the ramp you asked Poe if they do this with strangers often, “Well, we try to help who we can,” he said leaning against the ship, “We don't know you but we're in neutral space and the shielding prevents you guys from sending out any messages.” He shrugged, “Your vessel was disabled and after checking out your story we trust you. We probably just won't tell you where we're going after Kessel,” he flashed a big smile at you as Ben came down the ramp, “all ready?”

Nodding Ben came to your side and took the pack from your shoulder while stealing a kiss, smiling you followed them to the shower facility. It was a large locker area with several shower stalls, he sat down on a bench, “Go first, I'll keep watch.” He said after Poe departed to give you some privacy.

“You could join me,” you said softly earning a lopsided grin from him as you bent down to kiss him.

“I could, but I don't want to let my guard down quite that much,” he said grinning, “Don't forget where we are.” You nodded accepting defeat and headed into the shower with your toiletries.

Leaving your products in the shower for Ben you emerged with your robes cinched tight around your waist and a loaned towel wrapped around your head, Ben sniffed you taking in the clean smell, “I don't think I've ever felt so clean,” he chuckled as he kissed you. Then took his turn as you stood guard.

 

When he finished he emerged in robes too, looking at him you smiled, “We don't exactly look like civilians.”

“I picked out what looked like it would pass,” you had done the same, “We should only be with them a day and a half, we should be able to keep our distance.” He pulled you in for a harder kiss and you breathed in the scent of his clean skin. You hadn't minded his sonic fresh skin but nothing beat fresh out of the shower. He smiled and picked up the packs, “Let's finish up,” you followed him into the laundry room.

Apparently more of Ben's clothes passed over yours, his grey shirts and black pants looked more civilian than your training gear. He chuckled when you complained, “I look like I live in tight pants,” he squeezed your rear and commented that he didn’t think anyone would complain, you punched him playfully earning more laughs.

You couldn't believe how incredibly lighthearted he'd been since boarding the ship, you weren't sure if he was playing the part or if he really felt that relaxed, it didn't feel like an act. “It feels good here, doesn't it?” You said idly. 

“Reminds me of childhood,” he said relaxing back into one of the chairs he motioned for you to join him. When you sat back he put his arm around your shoulder and pulled you close, “I grew up on a lot of ships and people like this. It's all comfortable camaraderie but don't let them fool you, they're all a pack of liars, thieves, and murderers. If you trust anyone, trust the wookie, they don't have it in them to be dishonorable.”

“Each side has its good and bad,” you said laying your head against his shoulder. “They're volunteers fighting for a cause they believe in, they've showed us kindness,” he frowned looking down at you, “I'm just saying even through the bad, they've got goodness.” They embodied the light you wanted to say but you didn't want to pull him into a argument about it. You caressed the hand on your arm softly.

“My dad fought for the rebellion, my mom and uncle spent time in the imperial navy,” he knew this, “No one wanted to speak about the war in our home.” 

“It's all they ever talked about at home,” he said softly, “the good old days during the rebellion, it sounded miserable, short on supplies and the chaos of a volunteer army,” he shook his head, “I'm happier were I chose to be.” You didn't believe him, he felt empty when he said it, you squeezed his hand and then stood to check your clothes, they were nearly finished. After rolling everything and stuffing it back in your duffel Ben took your hand and you started the long walk back to the ship.

Poe caught you half way, “Hey guys,” he said, “Lehte wants you guys to swing by the kitchen, she made some sandwiches for you to take back to your ship and some snacks,” he smiled. “She really likes you guys,” Ben smiled.

“Wookies are good and truthful beings, I've never minded their company,” Poe nodded then walked with you both to the kitchen.

“Come to our party tonight, I'm sure you both could do with some R and R,” Ben looked at you. 

“We’ll stop by Dameron,” Ben said softly, “it's been a longtime since we've had a chance to dance.” Ben held out his hand and shook with Poe. You tried not to let the shock register on your face. Lehte hugged you both again and made Ben promise again to save her a dance.

Once on your ship Ben pinned you against the bulkhead and kissed you passionately before carring you bridal style to the berth.

Afterwards you clung to him breathless, he smiled kissing your lips, you were still trembling, “Was it worth the wait?” Nodding you nuzzled his neck drowsily. He shifted you over and got out of bed. You started to protest but he slipped back in quickly and broke a cookie in half sharing with you.

“And cookies? You're spoiling me Ben Solo,” he grinned.

“I do what I can,” he took a large bite and chewed thoughtfully, “What are they going to find when they run the name you gave them?”

“He's dead,” you said your smile faltering, “but most of the refugees were presumed dead, it took a few months to sort out when I got hired. The captain had to take me to a core world...”

He looked at you tenderly, “Who was he to you, to think of his name so quickly?” He cupped your face, you didn't detect any jealousy or resentment.

“He worked for my family,” you blinked fighting back tears, “but it turned our families wanted to combine lands,” you breathed deeply, “on Agamar, it’s still, no... it was normal to arrange marriages. He was sweet,” Ben tucked your hair behind your ear, “he was a good friend but I didn't…. I couldn't love him and he understood. A few years before we met he lost his wife and children. We were both healing, we were going to be married in the fall,” Ben stiffened. 

“You were going to marry him?” He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice but he failed.

“It wasn't love,” your voice shook, “it wasn't even companionship, it was duty. He tried,” you could feel the tears burning behind your eyes, “but he wasn't you.” You continued, “Ben I-”

He kissed you hard as he rolled you under him, he pressed his forehead against yours, “Did you want to move on with him?”

“No, but my family thought I'd put it off long enough,” you took a ragged breath, “ I needed to produce heirs for the next generation, someone had to take over after me, my parents and uncle were starting to age,” Ben opened his eyes.

“You would have married someone you didn't love just to make them happy?” He stroked your face his brows knitted in concern.

“I owed them so much, after everything I'd put them through, “ the amount they'd spent on your education and then to leave it all, or at least that had been what you believed.

“I'm so sorry,” he said kissing you, “I'm sorry,” you took his face between your hands you could feel his guilt, he'd caused this.

“It’s in the past,” you said softly, “he's dead, no one can say whether or not he left the planet, it's a good alibi, even if they pull up a picture republic ID’s are terrible. You both have black hair and hazel eyes.” You stroked his cheek, “We're just refugees that have had a hard time.” You pulled him down and kissed him hard, “I love you Ben,” you'd been careful not to say it directly but the words left your lips before you could stop them. 

You froze beneath him, his eyes widened you felt his heart stutter pressed so closely together, he moved slipping inside you pressing forward slowly, filling you, “I love you too,” he said breathlessly. Both of you stayed there motionless for a long moment taking each other in, etching every detail into your memories. Then without warning you were moving together and against one another, it was quick and powerful, sweeping through both of you. Groggy and quivering you cradled him against you as he wrapped his arms around you. Together you fell asleep quickly, feeling safe and loved even in the midst of enemies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I now have a laptop again so updates should start coming out faster. Thank you to everyone that's stayed with me and those who've commented. I love you all.


	14. Through Victory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes well at the shindig until Poe makes an offer you have to refuse.

**Through Victory**

* * *

 

A loud knocking sound woke you, you groaned loudly and pitifully as Ben fumbled with his pants pulling them on and headed to the ramp. You heard it hiss and release, rolling out you pulled his shirt on and shimmied into a pair of his underwear and padded out to see who had knocked, Poe stood there all grins. You were sure the pair of you looked sleepy and sex rumpled, “I uh, just came by to say party is about to start out here in the cargo bay.” He chuckled, a blush creeping across his cheeks, “Also that Lehte is gonna come find you if you don't attend,” he grinned and departed, looking over his shoulder a few times.

“I'm not sure which of us it is,” Ben said yawning, “but he wants one of us.” 

Laughing you said, “I think it's both or either, “ grinning, “come on let's get you pretty for your date with a wookie,” he grinned and gave you a light smack to your rear.

You hadn't brought any fancy clothes with you, and you figured they'd be out of place at the shindig as Poe had called it, pulling out a sundress you put it on along with some light makeup. Ben walked up behind you and glanced in the small refresher mirror and grinned, he had on a white shirt, with an open vee neck and black pants. “You look like you'd fit in, just need a blaster holster to complete it.” He rolled his eyes, you didn't say it but he reminded you of Han.

“Ready?” He asked kissing your cheek and wrapping his arms around you from behind, you nodded.

“When's the last time you did anything just for fun,” he paused thinking about it and shook his head as if he couldn't remember. “Then let’s enjoy it, who knows when we’ll get the chance again,” he frowned.

“Okay,” he said softly. Together you walked hand in hand. There were people dancing and food and drinks, the music was an unusual mix of sounds from different cultures but it had a strong and danceable beat. You pulled Ben out on the dance floor and enjoyed the freedom of the moment. Finding the rhythm easily enough you enjoyed several songs until you both needed a break and visited the refreshment table. After trying the punch you coughed sharply. 

“I think that might be engine cleaner,” he said chuckling then throwing the rest back, he spotted Lehte across the room and winked at you, “I think my date is here.” Grinning you watched him cross to her, be bowed deeply and offered her a paper flower he’d folded she clasped her hands excitedly and bowed down. He penned it to her fur with a bobby pin he'd borrowed from you and she hugged him tightly. 

You grinned watching them dance, Poe approached you and you took him up on his offer to dance, “He seems really at ease with Wookies,” Poe said watching Ben sail around the dance floor with the ship's cook.

“He lived among them for a big part of his life, the flower,” you said, “Is something a son would present a matriarch as a sign of honor.” Poe gazed in wonder, “She thinks of you as a son too, grooming is the highest honor a wookie can bestow,” Poe smiled.

“She's great, I've known her for a little while,” he grinned spinning you out and back. “I think you guys would be a good fit here if I'm honest. “ You raised an eyebrow, “You're both great mechanics, he seems like a crack pilot. We could use you.” 

He flashed a smile as if trying to set the hook, “We’re not interested I'm sorry, I wish you all the luck in the world.” When the song ended you excused yourself and headed to the seating area to rest and wait for Ben, but Poe followed you. 

“At least hear me out,” he said, “you guys are refugees right?” He had investigated you after all, “You can get some payback,” he didn't know what a delicate subject he had just jumped on.

“The First Order isn't the only side responsible for what happened to Agamar,” you replied coolly trying to keep your anger under control. “ As we said we're happy to pay you for your assistance, but we’ll be on our way once we reach Kessel.” He shook his head.

“You could do a lot of good, forget sides, what would make you feel right, running away or standing up and fighting so no one else loses their home. Do you know how many people have become refugees since the destruction of the Hosnian system?” He covered your hand with his making your anger spike, “We need your help, I've only ever seen one other person make repairs like that and she’s… special, I think maybe you have her skills, we need all the help we can get.” 

Withdrawing your hand you smiled as nicely as you could, “ I'm sorry Poe, we can't help you.”

“Is that the answer for both of you?” 

“Where she goes I go. We have no interest in joining the Resistance.” Ben walked up behind you. “Everything okay over here?” he looked down at you, he'd felt your anger spike from across the bay.

“Just trying to convince your girlfr-”

“Wife,” Ben interrupted, Poe looked surprised. 

“I'm sorry, wife, to join the Resistance.” 

“Sorry Dameron , we’re not interested,” Ben said curtly and nodded to you.

Standing you said goodbye to Poe, “Well here’s this,” he handed you a recruiter's card, “incase you change your mind.” Ben frowned but stayed silent as you walked back to the ship with him clenching the card in your hand.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, you shook your head and sat down on the floor to meditate, he sat next to you and went quiet. When you opened your eyes again he was staring at you, “Now?” Nodding slowly you unclenched your hands.

“Hey,” he said softly, “you have better control than you think, you didn't whip out your lightsaber.” You laughed quietly, “unfortunately the anger is always waiting there just below the surface.”

Leaning your head against him you said, “I thought,” you closed your eyes, “I thought after the last couple days, how happy I've been, how they've been filled with so much…” you trailed off trying to find a description for it.

“Light?” He said softly and you nodded.

“I thought maybe I didn't need it anymore, my anger or the dark side, “ he pulled you into his lap, it always surprised you how tender he could be with you, he chuckled. Stroking his face you took a deep breath, “Where have you been hiding this side of you Ben? You’ve been well,” you blushed, “more you over the last few days, is it an act will it all disappear when we’re back with The First Order?”

“No,” he said grazing your knuckles with his lips, “that side is the act, it was all a bluff that first night, Y/N, I knew even as I said it that I'd hold you anytime you'd let me.” He kissed the top of your head before tucking it under his chin. “The only time I left medbay is when Phasma would chase me out to make me shower. They made me take a 3 day mission, I called in so many time and I was only gone 2 days, I almost blew the hyper drives and didn't settle for any answers I didn't like,” he laid his head on yours, “that first time you woke up and said my name I panicked. I knocked you out because I didn't know what to do. They kept telling me you wouldn't live, when you woke up and recognized me I,” he took a breath, “I wanted to pick you up and hold you, but I knew you'd break.”

You could feel the tears coming, “Ben,” you said softly but he continued.

“Then when you didn't understand, couldn't understand who I was, I was so angry,” you stiffened, “not at you, at what I had become, at what I had done to you, “ you tilted your face up to look at him. “You were so scared and I was just, despicable.” He took a deep breath, “Then you crumpled and I knew if I touched you it would be all over, I held it together but once you pressed your face against me I melted, my control even slipped,” he kissed your forehead.

“I decided that I wouldn't be mean but I would keep my distance emotionally and physically, but then the next day, when I found out you'd literally been through hell, I broke again. I had to hold you, touch you reassure you. I readjusted my intentions again that evening but that dress,” he breathed heavily, “I knew I should have looked at it before I agreed to let Phasma pick it out.” He grinned sheepishly, “I survived that evening until you kissed me.”

“That dress was a nightmare,” you said softly, “but you pushed me against a wall before I kissed you,” he chuckled.

“Well, you had your arms wrapped around me, the feel of you and the smell of flowers, I couldn't control myself.”

“Why didn't you tell me you were leaving that night?” You asked, warm in the protection of his arms.

“I didn’t know until about an hour before I left, and you were sleeping so peacefully, I couldn't bare to wake you, so I just watched you sleep for a while.” Stroking his face you kissed his chin.

“When I woke up I knew something was wrong, I couldn't feel you,” he looked down at you, “Phasma seemed surprised that I could tell.”

He chuckled,”She was thoroughly impressed by you, your abilities and determination,” he nuzzled your hair, “just as I am, you're so strong, we need to figure out why you think you're weak, and what causes the force related anxiety,” you could feel the hairs rise on your neck. “Not now, but soon,” he said his hand stroking your arm soothing you. “Do you feel like going back to the party?”

Shaking your head you hugged him close, “But you should,” you smiled, “I think I'll lay down for a bit.”

His brow furrowed, “I can stay with you,” he tucked a lock of hair behind your ear. “I don't think you should be alone right now.”

“I’ll be okay,” you smiled putting forth a big effort to make him believe it. “I just don't feel like dealing with Dameron again.” He kissed your forehead, “Besides I don't know if you'll get to say goodbye to Lehte tomorrow when we leave,” he nodded and you stood offering him a hand up. He took it and as soon as he stood he wrapped you in a tight hug and a sweet kiss.

“I won't be long,” he said caressing your face, “Don't let it bother you, okay? We use both sides of the force, not just one. “ You nodded, he traced your lips with his thumb, “it's part of what makes sentiment dangerous for us,” he closed his eyes, “it makes it hard to do what we must.” He opened his eyes, “Try to rest, I'll be back soon.”

He gave you a parting kiss and then descended the ramp, you waited until he was far enough away you let the pretense drop and stalked back to the berth and collapsed on the bed. You pulled the pillows to your chest inhaling Ben's scent and sighed, the wave of anger had nearly subsided the underlying sadness that always surfaced after talking about Agamar bubbled to the surface and you felt a sob escape your delicate packaging.

Picturing your mother's face you tried to recall what you'd spoke about that morning, she kissed your forehead and wished you luck as you loaded up the family skiff and headed to the market. It was unbelievable, with the core world's gone and the synthetic protein plants destroyed your crop of soy had skyrocketed to top dollar, you had profit, most of it would be put back in a rainy day fund but you couldn't wait to show your parents and uncle. 

You could see the smoke column from several kilometers away. Running into the burning home you found your mother slumped over the table, your father and uncle were in the barnyard and Davyit was dead in the barn, you ran inside to find the children they were cowered under a table in the living room all dead. You dug their graves and placed them in as carefully as you could, you sat at the edge of your father's grave and thought seriously of pointing his blaster at your temple and just ending it there.

Finally gathering the few things you could keep, that were not charred to ruin you took the skiff back to town, using the money from your harvest you vied with the other refugees desperate to get off the now death trap of a planet.

Finally you secured a spot in the cargo hold of a freighter, you stayed cramped with the others lucky enough to get passage, you lived there for weeks as the captain went from world to world trying to dump you and your fellow refugees. Finally you ended up on Ryloth.

There you found work for a freighter company that shipped spice, at first you just worked as a cargo handler until a mechanical problem arose you proved yourself to be a capable tech. You moved up through the ranks quickly. The captain couldn't believe how many different things you were able to do.

Before you knew it you were first mate, the captain had even commented about giving you your own ship. You made a place for yourself and the crew had started to feel like family. You were in your bunk tightening the straps on your boots when pressure dropped and the overhead exploded pinning you beneath debris.

You were crying freely as the sadness stabbed at your chest like an animal trying to break free. Giving up on calming yourself you gave into it, at the edges you could feel the darkness threatening to overcome you. If you could just push the edges of the sadness back to anger you might be able to sustain yourself. Cold swept through you as you turned your sadness into a cold rage. Feeling your breathing return to normal you opened your eyes.

You felt a tingle against your skin turning slowly you saw the translucent form of Obi Wan, sighing you sat up, “What do you want Obi Wan?”

“You look terrible,” he said softly, “you should release your anger and sadness, it does nothing but harm you.”

“I think I have too much of both to let go of it.” You sat cross legged, “You stole the codes from my mind last time we talked.”

He nodded, “I'd hoped speaking to Luke would jar you into action, I see you find yourself among the Resistance fighters. This is where you belong.”

“I belong with Ben,” Obi-Wan sighed.

“Defect and join them, it's your only chance to avoid the future you have in front of you,” he looked more concerned than last time, “see how at home you feel here, how free? I don't know how many more chances you will get.”

“I can't defect Obi-Wan, Ben won't join me, even if I did we're trapped, do you think they'd go easy on him? No, there's no choice but to get off this ship.”

“You think you'll be safe in the First Order? “ Obi-Wan scoffed.

“I know I'm not safe there, it's not where I want to be anyways.” You looked down as tears stained your eyes.

“Ah, running away?” He said almost mockingly, “You really think he'd leave a position of power for you? He’d rather kill you for praise.”

“He wouldn't…” your own mind started betraying you, would he? Would he kill you? Would he be conflicted? “Ben loves me, he'd only kill me if there were no better option. “

“You need to be with Luke, he's going to need your help, Rey won't be the only one to emerge. “ Your breath quickened.

“The other survivors?”

He nodded, “So you are keeping things from him.” 

Closing your eyes you shivered, “I didn't remember them until a few days ago,” those children would be young adults now.

“They need you now,” he said gently, “just as they did then.”

“I don't even know who I am Obi Wan, I can't help anyone. I can't leave him, I can't live without him again.”

“Are you sure those are your thoughts? He's done some horrible things to you. He's erased so much of you. How do you know what thoughts are yours and what he's placed in your mind?” His hand rested on your arm, it was a strange sensation, insubstantial yet it felt like warmth, “Leave him, save yourself, if you continue down this path you'll lose any chance for redemption.”

“If I'm supposed to leave him why do we share the same vision of our future?” 

“Tell me what you've seen?” You told him about the shared future you'd both imagined, it's startling similarity. “It was the same?” He asked.

“Down to the shape of the flagstones, and even the faces of our children.” He sat back.

“How far away can you sense him?”

“Farther than I expected,” you explained what happened on the Finalizer when he left and returned, “that tribe described a deep bond between us. “ Looking down you said, “you don't know what it's like to live with out someone you love so deeply you'd give up everything for them.”

Something passed over Obi wan face you'd not seen before, a profound sadness, “I've lost more than you know,” he sighed, “I lost someone I would have left the order for, “ his brow furrowed, “if she'd asked I would have left it all behind.”

“So you understand,” you started but Obi Wan interrupted.

“I understand that I would have left, but she never asked. What you're telling me is that he did ask you to leave and you refused, then he destroyed the order. You left to kill him but failed.” Obi Wan observed you carefully as if trying to gage your reaction to his combative statement. 

“I tried, but I couldn't hurt him... as far as I know,” Obi Wan seemed satisfied that you didn't explode in rage.

“You seem to have regained control of your emotions for now,” he paused, “but now he refuses to leave?” You nodded.

“He thinks the Supreme Leader would find him and either make him kill me or the other way around.” Obi Wan almost looked stricken for a moment. 

“He fears that he'll be made to kill you?” As if he couldn't believe it.

“He's not the soulless monster you think, he's just very lost, but he's coming around slowly. I can't leave him.” Taking a deep breath you said, “He answers that he would, but you don't understand why,” you told Obi wan the story of Ben's pet. Even for an apparition Obi Wan looked startled. “You have no idea what they've done to him, he was just a kid when it all happened. He doesn't enjoy doing these things, he does them because in the twisted view he's developed it's mercy.”

“I observed what I could, but he stopped responding to me so I left him alone....” an expression of guilt passed over his features, “you need to find out if the Snoke can sense him from long distances,” you started to ask why when Obi Wan straightened, “He's coming back,” you nodded, “I’ll be in contact.” You were about to tell him to stay when he vanished.

You heard Ben come up the ramp quickly, “are you okay? You should have told me you were that close to breaking down.”

“I needed to release what I could, I don't think I could do that in front of you,” you looked down, “I wasn't alone for long anyways. “

Ben looked confused, “What do you mean?”

“Obi Wan came back,” he sighed 

“Did he want you to turn me over and escape?” You laughed.

“I think you have to be a captive to escape, you gave me a chance to leave and I chose to stay,” he seemed to perk up a bit. “He's still convinced we're wrong, but…” You weren't sure if you should tell him or not, “our shared fantasy or vision for the future gave him pause.”  
.  
“He's not sure why it's the same either? “ You shook your head and Ben laid back pulling you down with him. “I think it's because we bonded. I've loved you since I met you,”he said almost sheepishly. 

“You were pretty adorable,” he grinned, “savior to a lost little girl.”

“My dad took me to the sabers every year, I knew my way around,” he turned to face you, “if you hadn't been there we may never have met, it's how you found out you were force sensitive.”

You nodded remembering the trip, you and your dad stayed in his old y-wing for a whole week, the hotels cost too much and so did commercial transport so you slept in sleeping bags excited for the races.

During one of the events you got separated, you hid getting scared of all the chaos around you, it was too much you were hearing and seeing too much, Ben found you cowering under a bench.

“I'm Ben,” he said crawling under with you, “Why are you scared? “

“I can't find my daddy, everyone here is so loud.” Ben held your hand and you felt instantly better. “Do you hear them too?”

“It means you're special like me, I could hear you all the way on our ship!” He climbed out and offered you his hand, “Come on, my daddy can find yours, he can do anything,” he gave you an impish smile and you trusted him instantly. Climbing out you walked hand in hand with him passing vendors and salesmen every where, coming to a treat stand Ben stopped and ordered two whip treats and handed you one, “Have you ever tried one of these?”

You shook your head and bit into it, “Wow!” You said forgetting your troubles.

He smiled and you followed him back to his ship, “This is the Falcon, she's the best ship in the galaxy!” He said excitedly. It reminded you of daddy’s ship, it smelled old and had scuff marks everywhere, smiling you followed him through the entrance way.

“Ben?” You heard a man yell, “Where did you go? Oh… who is this?” He asked confused, but he smiled just like his son, lopsided and it made you giggle, he crouched down level with you both.

“This is Y/N, she's lost daddy, can we help her?” Ben asked with puppy eyes, Han ruffled his hair.

“Of course we can Ben, do you remember where you and your dad are staying?” He asked gently.

“On our ship,” you said.

“Do you remember where you're berthed?”  
Your lip quivered, “Hey come on we’ll find him, what's your ships name?”

“The Blackbird,” you said, “it's a Y-Wing,” Han chuckled.

“The black bird?” He grinned again, “Sweetheart I know your daddy.” Chuckling he headed toward the cockpit, “Benny, you guys play for a while and I'll call her dad on the Comm.”

Ben showed you his ships, one even hovered, you giggled playing with them, you heard your daddy come on the ship, “Daddy!” You yelled running and jumping into his arms.

Smiling at the memory you stretched, “I still can't believe they fought together in the war,” he grinned.

“I can't believe dad picked up that you were force sensitive,” he grinned that ridiculously lopsided grin that always made your heart melt, “he usually didn't pick up on stuff like that.” His fingers sought yours, intertwining them and pulling it to his chest, “I think the force has been guiding us all along.”

 

“You old softie,” you teased nuzzling his nose, earning another grin from him. Your breath became short, closing your eyes you said, “Run away with me.”

Feeling his breath hitch you held your own, hoping he'd say yes. He looked panicked, “I…”

You stopped him, “It doesn't have to be today, it probably shouldn't be,” you stammered, “but when the time is right, would you?”

He looked pale like his life depended on his answer, his voice dripped and he replied in a shaky whisper, “yes.”

It was all you needed to hear, you fell into a deep and restful sleep. Later you were jarred awake, thinking you were under attack you jumped up ready to fight. Ben joined you just as startled but he calmed quickly, “It's just the mooring fighting against Kessel’s gravity,” he shook his head, “stabilizers?”

You nodded, they really did need better mechanics, “time to get packed up?”

“Yeah, I doubt we'll get enough parts to fix this bucket,” you chuckled and gathered everything up, Ben pulled out his helmet and packed it at the bottom of his pack. Between you there were two large duffels. 

Taking the controls Ben called the deck chief and got permission to depart. It was shaky and you weren't sure it would survive, landing in Kessel star port nearly killed you, left side thrusters blew and you went down hard on the deck.

 

You had a cut above your left eye and Ben sported a bloody nose, two of the overhead panels had broken loose and went flying at you both. “Let's sell this piece of junk and go on a pleasure cruise,” he said only half joking. Several techs were running at the ship with fire suppression equipment. 

“Commercial line then?” He groaned unbuckling his harness and coughed.

“Yeah, and something comfortable,”he cursed standing, “I think I have a concussion, “ he said miserably, unbuckling your self you checked on him. 

His eyes were having a hard time focusing, “You're gonna need a doctor,” you said your own eyes swimming as the cut over your eyebrow throbbed .

Taking a clean cloth out of his pocket he pressed it to your cut, “You don't look so hot yourself,” he cursed again and stood wincing, “I'm going to be sick, “ you helped him to the refresher.

 

Leaving him there to retch you released the ramp allowing the port techs in to check for fires, “One hell of a landing, you guys need medical?” You nodded and the lead tech said something into his wrist comm, a few moments later a med tech had Ben sitting on the bunk while he flashed light in his eyes. 

“Fraid you're done for today buddy,” he said, “we'll need to keep you in med bay over night ” he groaned muttering it was only a slight concussion and that you could care for him adequately. “She looks pretty banged up too, really we should keep both of you over night.” 

You felt rather than saw Poe Dameron run on the ship, “Are you guys okay?? We saw you go down from the shuttle,” he looked from you to Ben and his frown increased.

“Little banged up, but we're fine,” you said wincing as the second med tech stitched you up.

“Shouldn't she be numbed,” he asked questioningly.

“The med tech turned to him sporting a swollen lip, “Try and inject her friend, let's see how it goes for you,” you cast your eyes down. 

“I said I was sorry,” you said wincing again, “I still think bacta gel would have been sufficient,” you grumbled. 

“Told you were all out sweetheart, but hit me again and I'll throw you out an airlock,” he said angrily finishing and pressing a bandage roughly against the stitches making you suck air and left you sputtering for control.

“You guys wanna see our doctor?” You both said no loudly.

“Okay, I uh,” he said blushing and looking down, “I just wanted to apologize for being pushy I didn't want to end things like that.” Ben vomited again into a bucket and Poe face paled a few shades, “Should he be doing that?”

“Listen fly boy,” the med tech said angrily, “if you're so worried about them you tend the miserable bastards,” and stalked out of the ship. The first med tech shrugged and gave Ben a bottle of pills to settle his stomach and told him he needed to lay down for a few hours.

“We have to get moving,” he said once the tech left and Poe started to protest Ben frowned at the hand that suddenly found its way to his shoulder.

“No you need to lay down,” you said smirking, “actually Dameron you can make it up to us if you'll watch him while I buy our tickets and sell this piece of crap?” Poe nodded solemnly and Ben shot you a withering look. “I'll get us something with a berth so you can sleep through the trip,” you said crossing to kiss his forehead. “Poe will protect you,” you said grinning.

You rose to leave and Poe followed you down the ramp, “Is he going to be okay, are you?” He said softly touching your face but he blushed again, pulling his hand back.

“He's tough,” you said softly.

“He's tough? I just saw you get the worst set of stitches ever without any pain medication” he looked at the skin bruising around your eye, “That's gotta hurt. “ He looked like he might touch you again but thankfully he put his hands in his pockets. “Seriously though, is he going to be okay?”

“It's just a concussion, but he can't be left alone, I really appreciate it Poe.” You said smiling.

A goofy smiley spread across his face, “Anything if it means you're not mad at me anymore,” you gave him a hug.

“And Poe?” Poe nodded, “Try not to do anything to upset him and just don't touch him unless he really needs help, he's got issued with his personal space.” 

“No problem, “ he raced up the ramp at the sound of retching.

 

Snickering you really hoped Ben didn't hurt Poe during his stint as nurse maid. Making your way to the transport center you realized you had no idea what world's would be First Order friendly, when a foul smelling man stepped in front of the window and raked you up and down with his eyes, “ Where are you going sweet thing?” 

Trying not to sneer you asked where would be a good place to find building work, “Builder eh? Buildings or ships? “

“Ships,” you said trying to hold your breath his stench increased as he leaned over the input terminal.

“We got a ship headed to the Bilbringi shipyards, but that's over run with the First Order these days, but I hear they're paying double to get mobilized,” he said. “Although I can't imagine a little morsel like you around all those rough necks.”

Raising your uninjured eyebrow you sized him up, he'd be nothing to put down but you shook it off controlling your anger, “I can take care of myself, any accommodations with a sleeping berth?” 

He waggled his eyebrows and whistled, “Pretty penny though, how much you got to spend babydoll?”

“I don't need top class, just enough for two to sleep, one if that's all available,” he nodded smirking again you could feel another remark getting ready to bubble out when you felt yourself grow cold with rage, he looked up to say something but dropped his head. 

“Two to the shipyards that will be 20,000 credits,” he said he looked up but you darkened your expression.

“Half that and you have a deal,” you didn't want to have to force trick him but that would take way over half of what Ben had in his account for the trip.

“First Order is making it scary out there ships are charging a lot more these days, I can do 15,” he said as sweat started rolling down his cheeks.

Concentrating hard you said, “You will take 10 and bump us to First class,” his shoulders squared and he repeated the words. You handed over the credits and he gave your your boarding passes. 

He slammed the window shut when you turned away, on to find the junker. Calming your anger you took deep breaths as you walked, again you had to haggle, “Listen the used hyperdrive is worth 60 thousand. The converter another 10, as a salvage you're looking at close to 200 thousand, I just want 100, that's a 100 thousand credit profit.” You said angrily. 

He barked laughter and straightened to his full height, “If there were other junkers on this rock you might get someone to give you that price, but I'm the only one,” he flashed several rows of teeth at you, you felt the cold rage again, the voice whispered about how easy it would be to choke him until he agreed to your price, you were close to doing it, your fingers itched to close his windpipe. “Did I piss you off?” He chuckled again leaning down, “take the 60 and be glad you're getting that.” 

Growling you took the 60 but he didn't let go of your hand, “We can work something out if you're desperate for credits,” you punched him hard with your free hand but caught yourself before you force choked him. “I like them with a lot of fight.” He released your hand and told you his crew would be there within the hour to retrieve his ship.

Stomping the whole way back you watched as people moved out of your way, fuming you stormed up the ramp and started packing rations into bags, “Something wrong Y/N?” Poe asked as he poked his head out of the back part of the ship. You growled again but tossed him a bag.

“Stuff all the rations you can fit in the bag and take them back to your ship with you. They're better than the rations they put in your X-Wing.” He nodded, you heard the pop as he activated one.

“What.. I'm hungry,” he flashed you a smile and you rolled your eyes you packed up 3 bags you were going to take two with you and Ben incase the ship didn't provide meals and gave the third to Poe. “You're not alright, “ he said softly walking over to you, “you're angry, someone say something to you? Kessel is no playground.”

“Just disgusted by the riff raff,” you said trying to let go of the anger, you closed your eyes concentrating when you opened them Poe had walked closer.

He pulled you in for a hug, “Better now?” Surprisingly you were, you pulled back.

“Thank you, and for all the help you've given us, I wish” you almost said you wished things were different, he'd make a good friend, but you held back. “I wish you and the Resistance luck.”

He smiled sadly, “Well let's get you to your ship,” he said, “We might have to carry Davyit he's pretty out, those anti-nausea pills really did a number on him.” 

Walking back to the bunk tried to wake Ben but he grumbled, finally he cracked an eye open, “Where are we?” He asked disoriented.

“We’re on Kessel, remember? “ He shook his head and winced.

“Why did Uncle Luke send us to Kessel? I thought we were supposed to go to Ord Mantell?” You almost had to stifle a giggle.

“Davyit, honey,” he frowned at the name, “that was years ago, you have a concussion. We're going to Bilbringi to find work.” He looked even more confused.

“Why would he send us there? The Bilbringi don't like anyone to interfere not even the New Republic.” He blinked several times and tried to sit up, but looked like he might be sick again.

“Easy B-b-baby,” you covered wishing Poe weren't in the room, “You can't move too fast.”

He sat up, his head against your shoulder as you helped lift him out of the bed, Poe came over to help and Ben slapped his ass, “I like it when you call me baby,” he said to you. Poe turned beet red.

“Well baby that wasn't my my ass you slapped, “ he looked at Poe and giggled. You sighed it was going to be a long trip to Bilbringi. 

Finally between the two of you had all 6ft 3 inches of heavy muscle draped between you. “He’s a lot heavier than he looks,” Poe said halfway to the right terminal.

“It's worse when he's dead weight,” Ben giggled.

“She once drug me all over a tundra with a gundark on our tails,” he smiled lovingly and caressed Poe’s face, “You need to shave,”he said frowning at the stubble. 

“Over here Davyit,” you said smiling. 

His eyes widened, “That was fast now you're smooth,” he said grinning, “I don't like the name Davyit.” He frowned again, “How are there two of you?” He sniffed Poe and wrinkled his nose, “You smell wrong,” he looked back to you.

“You're on medicine and you have a concussion, just try to relax, it's not good for you to get upset.” Poe took Ben's weight as you fished out the boarding passes and the droid scanned them.

“You have passage for two not three,” it clipped.

“Well looks like here is where we say goodbye, Poe, thank you again for all of your help.” Poe smiled and Ben kissed his cheek.

Poe flushed hotly, “I, um I have to get going the person I'm meeting should just about be here, but remember we’ll always have a place for you.”

Poe shifted Ben's weight to you and you gave him and hug with your free arm, “When did you start wearing aftershave?” Ben asked, “I can taste it,” he frowned.

Snickering you kissed Poe’s other cheek, “Just to even you up fly boy,” you smiled and passed through the security checkpoint with Ben’s bag slung over your shoulder while a droid hauled your duffel and the bags of rations behind you.

Ben groaned when you stepped into the lift and gravity shifted, “We're almost there Ben,” you said softly, his eyes seemed to droop, “Then you can go back to sleep,” he nodded and you kissed his cheek softly.

“Where did Poe go?” He asked his speech a little slurred.

“He had to to pick someone up, but he can't come with us where we're going.”

Finally arriving at your suite you unloaded Ben on the bed and listened as the droid chirped a cheerful welcome and instructed you as first class passengers you could order unlimited items from the menu, then wished you a happy voyage. Ben stirred and said, “Tell mom I don't want any dinner, it will just make me sick,” he settled back into the pillows.

You were going to shrug it off when you felt it, a presence you hadn't felt in years. You were in space you hadn't felt the ship take off, rushing to the viewport you saw it, a glossy white w shaped ship sailing past you, The Mirrorbright. 

Even though she'd never really trained her abilities you wondered if she could feel you or more likely Ben. You watched it sail into orbit and start it's decent. Suddenly you were afraid the ship would be ordered to stop, Ben would be in no shape to help you fight anyone off, you'd be captured. An announcement sounded over the speakers fumbling for your lightsaber you held it up expecting to be boarded when the captain announced that you were going to be making the jump to hyperspace that everyone should find themselves in a seated position and that you'd be arriving at the first stop in two days. Feeling the ship jump your mouth dropped open, you'd made it away clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me this far! All of your comments have been fantastic! *huggs*
> 
> And thank you to my lovely beta [SeriouslySatan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriouslySatan/pseuds/SeriouslySatan)


	15. My Chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a chance to see The Resistance's side for a bit and then back to our wayward force users trying to get back to the First Order.

**My Chains**

 

**The Resistance**

  
Leia watched the footage again as her son, Poe Dameron, and you walked down the gangway. Different security footage showed him all over the ship. No indication of violence, no hint of darkness, she watched him sail around the dance floor with the wookie. She watched him pull you into his arms and kiss you. Then the tender moment in the laundry room when he pulled you close in the laundry room.

  
“He wasn't familiar at all to you?” Leia’s tired eyes narrowed.

“Should he have been ma’am?” Poe shifted from foot to foot nervously.

“I would think so Dameron,” Poe felt like he could taste the trouble he'd found himself in from the moment the general reviewed the surveillance tapes, “welcome to the inner circle Poe. You now know what the face of my son looks like.”

Poe stared hard at her then at the screen until it hit him, “There's no way that's, but it doesn't make any sense. Ma’am your son is a psychopath, Davyit is, well he's gruff but he's a good man. Both of them are, they can't be…” but the things he'd picked up on, he knew they were special he'd even mentioned it.

“Don't feel bad Poe, they tricked everyone,” her eyes went back to the footage, “Did they seem menacing?”

“Not at all, I mean she lost her temper and had to cool down but it was an emotionally charged topic,” Leia nodded she had read his report. “He can't be Kylo Ren, Ma’am he can't be.” He looked down at his boots it just didn't add up, “How did you know they were on board ma’am?”

“ It was just a feeling, you're dismissed Dameron. And Poe? Try not to make anymore friends with the enemy?” Poe grinned and exited the room.

A message came in on her com, “Leia,” Luke's gruff voice said, “I need to speak to you, it's about Ben.”

Leia engaged the holo projector, “What is it Luke,” she said absently watching the monitors as Ben did various things around the Diligent.

“I saw Ben with-” she cut him off

“With Y/N, I know. “ Leia paused, “You told me she died Luke.”

“I thought she did, Leia he's turning her to the dark side.” Leia raised an eyebrow watching Ben melt as he nibbled a wookie-ookie.

“I’m not so sure, what if she's bringing him back? Did he attack you?”

“No… he didn't Leia, he even let her hand me his saber.” Leia sat back in her chair stunned.

“Do you think there's a chance we'll get him back?” Luke scrubbed his beard with his knuckles.

“She believes... she believes so, but I'm not so sure,” he looked worried. “How did you know?”

“The Diligent picked them up, she gave a fake name for him. No one knows what he looks like. They stayed on the ship a day or two, they didn't harm anyone and even paid for assistance. Poe said the only time there was an issue is when he tried to talk her into joining the Resistance, she lost her temper.”

Touching the screen Leia zoomed in on the small craft they'd been in, she could just see in the viewport, zooming in again she saw Ben hoist you up against the bulkhead kissing you passionately. Then swept you off your feet smiling disappearing out of the frame. “She always did calm him. Helped him focus,” she said sadly.

“You haven't seen her, she's so lost and she's not the same. I don't know where she's been or what she's been up to since he turned but she's different now.”

“Were they together this whole time?” Luke shook his head.

“No. Obi Wan tells me they've only just reunited, apparently he erased all of the memories that painted him in a bad light. “ Leia focused on your face intently.

“I wonder, if we had just left them alone would we have avoided all of this?” Her gaze switched to Ben's face, she touched the view screen lovingly, he looked so much like her son.

Luke sighed, “I don't know if he would have stayed, he always had to have adversity. He didn't like being second in command to her.”

“Did you give him lead assignments? “

“Several when not with her they fell apart, when she was present he'd hand over command after botching the job. “

“Now he's in charge?” Leia asked.

“That's the funny thing Leia, he has the authority but when I met with them she had the lead. Everything they did he looked to her first “ Leia watched the screens, as he looked to you for each decision .

“I don't think she realizes she's in charge, she thinks he's leading.”

“It was always like that, even if I put him in charge he always deferred to her if not handing over the reigns completely.” Leia watched him give the wookie a paper flower, it made tears come to her eyes.

“Luke, she's the key, she'll bring him home,” Luke sighed.

“I guess it's better late than never…. I wonder why he left her?”

“I don't know, maybe he tried to turn her and she couldn't take it?”

“She's stronger than that Leia, it had to be something bad. I don't know what all he's hidden from her, but she's not the girl that left--”

“Luke,” she started, “That's been years, I'm sure she's grown, changed-”

“Not like this Leia, she would never even consider the darkside, she took the oath,” he let out small sob, finally breaking, “She was the best of my students.”

“Did something happen? Loss will do that, after Ben left,” Leia’s voice became heavy.

“I know,” he said solemnly, “but you're stronger than that, and so is she.”

 

**The First Order**

  
“I did not kiss Poe’s cheek,” he said angrily.

“Oh you did, you also groped him,” you snickered leaning against him eating caviar off of the most expensive crackers you'd ever seen.

He grumbled, “At least we got on this ship in one piece, how much longer?”

“Rest of today and most of tomorrow,” you said, “then back to the first order,” he grunted and you moved letting him spread out farther. “You really should let the ship's doctor take a look, you're still pretty bad today.” He frowned and pulled you closer.

“Let's just lay here for a while,” he pulled the pillow over his face.

“Is the light still bothering you?” He nodded, you turned down the lights and he relaxed. “How's your stomach,” he grumbled, “What about some soup or a grilled cheese?”

He peeked out, “Maybe some soup, do they have nerf sausage soup?” you snickered.

“You're gonna turn into a nerf,” you kissed his forehead and called for the steward droid to bring him some soup.

“You said they're cute,” he murmured and you smiled.

The door dinged and you let the droid in, he served the soup in a small silver bowl and left the blue cheese sandwich on a small China plate, it chirped and then left the room. “Feel like sitting up?” He sat up a little but his eyes swam and he scrunched them shut. “Hang on I'll put the pillows behind you,” you propped him up and brought the food over. “Just relax Ben I'll feed it to you.”

“You don't have to I'll do it,” he tried but couldn't manage it.

“Hey,” you said softly, “it's okay, it's just me, you're hurt,” you stroked his forehead gently, “just let me help you a little.” His stomach grumbled and he nodded.

You broke the sausage balls down and fed him quarters with the broth and noodles, “Thank you,” he said closing his eyes, you broke off a piece of the sandwich and fed it to him.

He managed about half then needed to lay back down, you rubbed his back gently in circles until he drifted off. Sighing you laid down, you had another day to kill on the ship, searching through the selection you found the holo novels and looked through their library .

  
Later you woke to Ben struggling to get to the bathroom, you jumped up to help him, he slumped against the wall and then sat on the toilet, “I'm calling the doctor, I think you've got more than a mild concussion,” he started to protest but then nodded slumping against you. You helped him back to the bed and called the doctor, he came quickly and scanned him. Pulling you aside the Dr explained Ben had more swelling than usual on his brain, but he thought with your close eye he'd be okay until he could be under the care of his own doctor.

“He's still nauseous and has issues with light,” you said chewing your lip.

“That can be normal but you were right to call,” he handed you some pills, “This will reduce inflammation and the swelling, by the time you disembark he should be able to walk himself.”

“Doctor,” you said softly,”he took some pills at Kessel, but they made him really loopy, will these?”

“No they'll just make him sleep, make sure he eats and drinks every couple hours,” the doctor laid his hand on your shoulder, “he's going to be okay,” he said reassuringly. “Just call me if he seems worse,” the doctor started to leave but turned back to you fishing a packet out of his pocket. “This is for you,” he said as you turned the bacta packet over in your hands, “apply it before you go to sleep. You can remove the stitches tomorrow.” The doctor smiled and exited your suite.

“Am I going to live,” Ben asked.

“Afraid so, you just have to relax and let the healing happen.”

He sighed, “I can't take lying still much longer,” he was miserable from inaction.

“Take these,” you handed him two pills and a bottle of water, he took them grimacing.“The doctor said they'd make you sleep and reduce the swelling,” he nodded laying back down, then he looked back to you.

“Will you?” He looked vulnerable, you slipped into bed next to him and wrapped your arm around him.

“Of course,” you said softly against his ear, placing a kiss on it. “We're safe, I'll take care of you.”

He wiggled closer and you tightened your hold on him while gently placing kisses on his shoulder and upper back, he groaned relaxing against you, his breath evened out and neared the edge of sleep. His skin was warm and firm under your hands, tracing the lines of his back you came to a scar, it looked like a lightsaber wound, touching it gingerly you traced its path wrapping around his ribs, it looked old and long healed. It tickled something in your memory you could almost smell the singed flesh.

“Don't,” he said groggily, “you don't want that one,” he said turning, the pills had started to kick in, “trust me,” his eyes searched yours, “Don't press this one,” he looked almost scared.

But it was too late it the memory trickled in slowly.

The door slid open, there were dead bodies everywhere you covered your nose and mouth against the stench, they all had on black uniforms. Weaving your way through you pressed the access panel to the bridge, it slid open revealing a lone form standing against the viewport, it looked over its shoulder. “You should leave,” the modulated voice sounded louder than it really was against the silence of the dead.

“Come back with me, Ben-”

“I've made my choice,” he said looking back out at the stars, he felt like cold steel against your mind.

“Ben we can help you-”

A cold cackling came from behind the mask, “You and that old man? I don't need help, I'm more powerful than either of you will ever be now.”

“I don't care about power Ben, I just want you to come home with me, I lo-”

He turned force pushing you roughly against the wall, “Don't.” He said curtly his breathing sounding like static through the modulator, “You think you can just come here and asked me to leave with you?”

“Yes,” you said trying to keep tears out of your voice, his fingers constricted and so did your throat. “Ben… stop,” your vision was starting to go black against the edges.

He walked towards you, but you refused to fear him, “You should be scared of me,” his mask just inches from your face, the grip on your throated tightened, “Just a snap and you'd be dead.”

“You won't kill me Ben,” you choked out, his gloved hand grasped your chin, you were starting to get dizzy.

“Are you sure about that?” He asked, stepping against you, “I've killed everyone aboard this ship,” he released the force hold around your throat and left you gasping for air, “What makes you different? “

“ You love me,” his head cocked to the side, “you wouldn't hurt me.” His hand tightened around your throat cutting off your air again, a small bead of panic started to spread but you squashed it even as your breath became short you remained confident he wouldn’t hurt you. His grip increased there would be bruises where his fingers bit into your skin. Your eyes felt like they were going to bulge out of your head then you felt several blood vessels burst.

“You should leave before you force me to harm you,” he pressed you against the cold wall, your hands came up to press against his chest. He released his grip but didn't remove his hand.

You coughed his hand pinning you in place, “I won't leave you,” you looked into his visor, “let me see your face.”

He released his grip on you but did not move back, the clasp on his helmet unlatched hissing as the front extended. You had expected something to be different, a hardness to his eyes, something cruel about his face but nothing seemed different. The same sensitive eyes regarded you, the only thing difference was the coldness but even that felt forced, your hand caressed his face. “It's not too late,” you said your voice rough and broken.

He closed his eyes leaning into your touch, “Leave,” he said barely above a whisper, “it's…” he kissed you softly, “it is too late,” you wrapped your arms around him as your heart tore itself in two, your Ben couldn't do this.

“Just turn around and walk away with me now,” you trembled, “we'll leave and never look back.” Brushing his hair back you leaned against him.

His breath caught, “You won't be able to live with this.” A single tear escaped his eye.

“I can't live without you,” you said. His expression hardened and shoved you roughly against the wall.

“Don't be so pathetic… it's beneath you,” he walked away and started pacing, “You can't beblind to what I've done.” He kicked one of the corpses laying on the deck, “you think you can stop me or change what I've done?”

“I can't change what you've done, but I know you Ben, this isn't you,” he faltered for a moment, his eyes filling with tears.

“You don't know anything,” he growled, he stalked back up to you, “you don't know ANYTHING !” He ignited his lightsaber and you gasped at the scarlet color he swung at you. Ducking you rolled away and ignited your own cyan blade catching his just inches from your face.

“Ben we don't have to do this,” he felt stronger than normal as you stumbled backwards over a body, “We can just leave. “

“Don't you think I want that?” He yelled, “but it's too late I've chosen my path and you've chosen yours,” he pressed harder against your saber, you could feel your arms shake with exertion.

“It's never too late,” you slipped away taking a defensive stance, “I'll never give up on you.” He attacked hard and you fought back against him, he swung around at your head singing your hair, you clashed blades again, you were exhausted.

“Come with me,” he had you down, “we'll put the disorder to rest, we'll shape the galaxy how we want it.”

“In Snoke’s image? “ You scoffed.

“Yes, we're stronger together, imagine with him behind us how strong we'd be?”

“Never,” you said growling, the ship suddenly felt freezing.

“Then you won't leave here alive,” he raised his saber to strike but you rolled away slicing his side along the ribs he screamed in pain and fell, you stood over him lowing your blade to his neck. The smell of his burnt flesh filled the air. Just a flick of your wrist and all the horror he had wrought would be at an end.

“Is that how it ends, only one of us survives this?” You dropped your saber and fell to you knees as Ben writhed before you. Crawling up him he stiffened and moved to fight you off but you covered his wound with your hand and concentrated calling upon the force to heal him, he grunted and gripped your robes yelling against the pain. You healed him enough that he could move, he still sported a large burn but he could breathe again, he locked eyes with you. Crumpling you laid against him and he pulled you into his arms and you sobbed hard, “I can't kill you Ben anymore than I could rip out my own heart.”

Gasping you fumbled and fell backwards out of bed, “No,”Ben said groggily, “Wait,” he tried to follow you but the pills limited his motion, “please,” he plead with you, “come back.”

Trembling you backed yourself against the wall. Slipping out of bed he crawled slowly to you. Weakly he pulled you into his arms, “I'm so sorry,” he said sobbing, “I couldn't kill you either, it's why I hesitated I'd hoped you'd kill me,” he held you as you shook. “Shhh,” he tried to calm you.

You sat up, looking him over, covering his face you concentrated hard, healing him, he grunted as the break in his nose healed, you couldn't remove all of the swelling around his brain but it lessened considerably. He gasped breathing hard, opening his eyes he looked at you.

“I joined you, “ he nodded, “What happened?”

“It was too much, it didn't last long,” he kissed your forehead, “I pushed you too far and you snapped… then… then...”

Looking at your wrist you snuggled against him, “It had to be more than that, I had to of done something terrible…” you looked up at him.

“It's not worth thinking of now,” he kissed you gently, and you were glad you felt fragile as if you'd break at the slightest touch, he stood then gathered you into his arms. Exhausted after healing him you laid limply against him. “Let's rest for now,” he looked down at you, “thank you for healing me.”

“I didn't know if I could, if I'd had too much darkness…” together you laid down, “Don't ever leave me again,” you said softly.

Pulling you close and kissing your hair he said, “You don't have to worry about that.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought on this chapter we'd get a glimpse into what happened once Poe met up our General. I wrote this before Carrie Fisher passed away. The world is colder with out her, I can't bear to kill her off in this fic. 
> 
> My sympathies go out to her family.


	16. Are Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ben arrive at Bilbringi causing a commotion among the officers there.

After positioning his helmet Ben straightened to full height. Turning he gazed at you then pulled your hood down over your face, “Throw out as much menace as you can and act annoyed that you were reduced to inspecting the ship yards,” you nodded. “If you're asked any questions be mean and sarcastic,” you smiled, “No smiles,”he said his laugh distorted by the modulator. “You can do this, if anything goes wrong whip out your lightsaber and stand back to back with me, they'll think we're going to cut them down.”

Nodding you strengthened your resolve, you would be threatening and malicious. You would evil personified, “I can't be mean with you smiling like that,” you said feeling his amusement as he chuckled again. “I need a helmet, that's more terrifying.”

“We'll get you one before we head back to the temple,” the words made a chill run up your spine. “Ready?” He asked as you tossed your duffel on the Droid’s luggage cart.

“As I'll ever be,” he activated the door panel and turned into a walking nightmare. Following suit you scowled at the empty hall way until you reached the disembarkment lobby, the beings waiting scattered as you cut a path through them. A First Order officer handling the customs screening stammered out a screeched, “Commander!!”

Passing through you saw a line of storm troopers snap to attention, there were whispers, they had heard of you. That you'd killed a stormtrooper in an assassination attempt. It took all of your self control not to laugh. _Careful_ , Ben said silently. Coming to the last checkpoint you scowled at the officer making his hand tremble as he checked you both in.

“Commander,” he said trembling, “We have to issue you an access badge we don't have biometric scanners here,” Ben starred the officer down then nodded to you, you stretched out your hand and unlocked the doors down the corridor with the force.

“That will not be necessary.” The officer nodded mutely trying not to make eye contact. Ben strode forward as you trailed behind him. “You did well back there,” he said looking at you as you came up beside him.

“Thank you,” you said softly.

“Stories will only get worse, but they'll lend to the respect you'll earn. Eventually you'll move to being called Madam or Lady I imagine. I rather like the sound of Lady Ren,” the modulated voice came out very monotone but it still gave you chills. His hand sought yours intertwining fingers. You hadn't considered what your title would become, you were lost in thought when he let go of your hand as you came to a line of officers scrambling to attention.

“Sir!” The lieutenant yelled, “We were not informed of your visit.”

Ben nudged you with the force, “If you were informed Lieutenant how could we get a realistic view of how things are run here?” You said fixing the trembling officer with an icy gaze, “So far we are not impressed.” You watched the color drain from his face, “Is this what you deem an appropriate reception for Commander Ren?” 

“Ma’am?” He said obviously confused and concerned, “These are the available officers on hand, we, please allow us to show you to your quarters Commander Ren, and?”

Ben turned to you, you could feel his amusement, “Lady Ren,” he said before you could answer you bowed slightly, the Lieutenant lost the rest of his color and looked sick.

“Commander Ren, Lady Ren, please allow me to show you the way. The admiral will meet you for dinner.” 

“Lead on Lieutenant,” Ben said again taking your hand as if he had made up his mind. You squeezed his hand, “Lieutenant,” he spoke up again, “We have been traveling and I'm afraid my companion may not have appropriate attire for dinner, do you have any shops?”

“There were a few from before we took control, she may have her pick of any gowns, should I send a female officer to attend her?” You were about to protest when Ren agreed that you needed an attendant, you craned your head slightly to look at him but he squeezed your hand. 

Once in the room all breath left you, there was a ceiling to floor transparisteel window with an all star view. Ben came up from behind wrapping you in his arms, “I've been here once before, I thought you'd enjoy the view,” he released his helmet and it dropped to the floor. Turning you face to him he captured your lips in a searing kiss, “I've never seen you more sexy,” he grinned, “commanding those officers.” He kissed you again pressing closer, “You're worried?” He frowned as your feelings washed over him.

“Shouldn't we have spoken to Snoke before you gave me that title?”

Pulling off his gloves he touched your face with his bare hands, “No,” he said backing you against the wall, “you're mine,” he almost growled making your heart race, “I can give you a title if I want.” His lips grazed your neck sending your heart rate soaring, “I do like the way that officer said Lady Ren,” he stroked your face. ”Pick out whatever dress you want for tonight,” he brushed your lips with his thumb. 

“But make it sexy?” He nodded.

“I think Phasma has it right, she told me you need to look irresistible yet unattainable, it will let them know you're above everyone.“ He kissed you again pressing himself against you, taking your breath. When the buzzer rang he opened the door with the force not breaking the kiss.

A small female officer with brown hair and green eyes stood in the doorway, “C-c-commander Ren or is it Lord Ren, excuse me but I've heard both,” he smiled.

“Lord Ren if you please. This is my apprentice and companion Lady Ren,” her eyes went wide and she bowed.

“Of course, my Lady,” she said softly, “I am to escort you to the shops if you please.” Ben pressed his lips against your forehead tenderly then turned you loose to follow the officer. 

“You can speak freely, officer?” You said as you followed her through the hallway.

“Jaelan, Liare Jaelan.” She looked around, “Freely Ma- my lady?”

You fought the urge to roll your eyes, “Yes freely Officer Jaelan, please while it's us call me Y/N.” 

“Y/N,” she said as if testing out the sound of it. “Welcome to Bilbringi, “ she tried to smile but her fear overtook her. She led you to a storefront containing absolutely elegant dresses. After walking through the store and looking at wrack after wrack of glitter and sequins and heavily outdated styles. You’d never missed Phasma more, she’d know immediately which dresses to try on.

“Any ideas? I'm absolutely clueless about this sort of thing,” you said trailing your fingers along the garments. 

“I'm afraid I don't know much about it ma’am, I'm just the highest ranked female officer on board,” sighing you decided to take the lead.

“Well… I suppose it's time we played dress up, pick out your favorites and I'll pick out mine, let's see if we can help each other,” the officer turned pale white. “If you're escorting me you'll need to be dressed up too, at least that's what I've picked up a from the functions I've gone to, I assume you and a few other female officers received notice that you're attending dinner tonight?”

“We-we have ma’am, do you think we need outfits other than our uniforms?” 

“Probably do, I know Captain Phasma always insists on fancy dress,” you said fingering a slinky silver dress that reminded you of her.

“You've met Captain Phasma?” Her hero worship very evident, you hoped she’d get to meet her someday.

Smiling you nodded, “She's a good friend, one hell of a warrior and the most relentless trainer I've ever met.” Thinking for a moment you said, “You'd better call the other women attending this dinner, they'll need to come pick something out as well.” She nodded and sent out messages.

Finally you found a black silk dress that would work, taking it into the dressing room you smiled, it fit tight at the bust and waist then fanned out at the hips, it had a sheer cape that attached at the wrist and neck with silver bands. “Does this store carry make up?” You asked, coming out of the dressing room.

“Ye-s-s, yes ma’am, my Lady you look amazing, and terrifying.”

“I believe that's what we're going for,” you smiled putting her at ease, the other officers started filling in when you returned with your dress, you handed it to the droid and after second thought you snagged the silver dress as a peace offering for Phasma. The droid chirped as it turned to take the garments to your suite. You picked out some makeup and hair products then excused yourself.

“Wait my lady,” said officer Jaelan, “Shouldn't I escort you back? “ 

She seemed as unsure as you, “Have you made your selections?” she nodded,”Then have them sent to your quarters and escort me back.”

Once back in your room you showered, and dressed in the underwear Phasma had picked out for your first dinner, you grinned at the lines, they would be nearly invisible under this dress but they were only really intended for one person to see.

Slipping into the dress you zipped it up. The straps giving your chest the extra boost you wanted creating the illusion that the underwears intricate straps were part of the dress.

Almost putting your hair up you decided to leave it down, curling it instead the way Ben liked. Applying makeup you made your eyes smokey and again donned a striking red lipstick. You grinned at the mirror and meditated lightly to get your mind in the right frame.

Feeling the escort arrive you attached your lightsaber behind the sheer cape and answered the door before the bell rang. Officer Jaelan stood there demurely in a delicate light pink dress,  
”You look gorgeous,” you said smiling sweetly but she still seemed afraid.

“You look very fierce ma’am,” she said softly keeping her gaze low.

“Yes,” you said smirking. “Tell me who am I to expect at this dinner?”

 

The admiral, a lieutenant, the two ladies you'd met, another officer, Ben and yourself were all to be in attendance. Bracing yourself you reached out feeling for Ben. You felt his reaction as the door slid open for you and the officer. He was by your side in a heartbeat. “My lady,” he said softly, inclining his head to you and you curtsied to him. He whispered even softer, “You look incredibly sexy,” you grinned when he pulled back blinking slowly as if trying to control himself in this public setting.

“So it's satisfactory?” He smiled nodding. Turning he introduced you to the officers as Lady Ren, you fought hard to hide the blush creeping to your skin. As he had asked you remained aloof, trying your best to seem above everyone in the room except for him. 

When the admiral turned to you you couldn't help but smile at the familiar face, “Admiral Resdox,” you said, “a pleasure to see you again,” you held out your hand but he pulled you into a light hug.

“My dear,” he said kissing your cheek, “it brings me joy to see you again, Commander Ren was just telling me about how you rewired a ship nearly by yourself.”

“He’s too kind he did half of the work,” you smiled eyeing Ben.

“She undesells her talents Admiral, she bluffed our way through a Resistance ships security team.” The Admiral raised an eyebrow.

“Now that I'd like to hear about,” he said chuckling. 

You caught the admiral upto speed on what had happened since leaving the Finalizer omitting your meeting with Luke Skywalker , “It was quite an adventure,” you replied when one of the officers asked if you'd been scared, “No, Kylo Ren kept me safe.” 

“Did you manage to get any intel?” The Admiral asked Ben.

“Very little, just some technical readouts and number of ships present, as usual they keep most important plans off site or in individualized data bases that are not a part of their system. The General for all her failings is not a fool.”

The officers didn't pay attention to the last part, most would be too young to realize who Ben spoke about. The Admiral eyed Ben warily as if he couldn't believe he spoke of his mother as some distant figure.

“Physically they're easy to infiltrate, but to get anything of worth beyond the next jump coordinates you'd have to have a head member on an interrogation table,” the Admiral remarked. Even the mention of interrogation made you shudder inwardly.

The servers announced dinner would be served in the dining room and the party made their way to the next room. It was a rounded table so there would be no head, Ben sat you next to him and himself opposite the Admiral the other officers filled in spaces with no real order.

“When I heard you'd be with us my dear I had the chef make some dishes I know you’d enjoy,” he smiled. You wondered what he had to gain by showing you such favor.

Ben fought a chuckle and leaned over whispering, “You're about to be the most powerful woman in the First Order, everyone will be fighting for your favor.” You paled, you hadn't prepared for that.

When the dishes were uncovered you found there were salads of simple lettuce and root vegetables as well as sour dressings, you nodded to the admiral in thanks. In a way he did understand coming into the First Order from a simpler place. The courses were simple but delicious, roast bantha, a blue potato salad, and more vegetables.

The Lieutenant who had given Ben trouble earlier found courage in wine questioning why the mighty dark enforcer needed assistance in the first place and went on to question his loyalty since he had not slain everyone on the Resistance ship. Ben’s anger flared white hot as he stood. You reached out to him you were met with a burning gaze which made you remove your hand slowly. 

“You question my loyalty?” He asked, the Lieutenant seemed a little deflated by his encroaching presence.

“I just don't understand the need to hide, given your talents,” he said his voice wavering.

“Son, stand down,” the Admiral said gently trying to deflate the situation.

“Let him speak Admiral,” you felt the familiar cold settle over Ben, the darkness had taken control. You knew the sensation all too well. His eye glittered, as he stared down the Lieutenant, “Tell us all,” he pointed at the Lieutenant with the hilt of his lightsaber. Stifling a gasp you locked your eyes on your place setting. Feeling your fear Ben squared his shoulders,”Don't take your eyes away Y/N,” he said without taking his eyes off the Lieutenant, “I'm teaching you how to deal with those who doubt you.”

“Yes Master Ren,” you said, your heart in your throat, you knew what would happen next. It didn't stop the shock that surged through you as the lightsaber ignited and the Lieutenant's head separated from his body rolling across the table. Ben turned and returned to his seat next to you looking at you expectantly.

Taking a gulp of air you asked the Admiral what the next course would be and the dinner party silently continued until Ben excused the two of you. Once outside the door you could feel the vomit coming, “Control it,” he said gently, you nodded breathing deeply. “These are the things we must do to stay in power, do you understand? “ You nodded again, not trusting yourself to speak. He took your hand and led you back to your shared room.

You sat down on the bed, looking down, you couldn't meet his eyes. “Did you have to kill him?”

He stopped pacing, “Someone of his rank wouldn't be sent to reconditioning. I had to make an example of him,” he stepped forward to stroke your face but his touch felt cold.

“I think I spent too much time believing that you were only my Ben,” his eyes widened as if afraid, “I forget that Ren is also in there,” he relaxed. 

“You think I'm split like that?”

“Yes, one power hungry and angry, who will do nothing but prove his worth. The other gentle, loving, but firm, you are both and I love both.” He kissed you then pulled you up to standing in front of him.

“It's not easy, to do what we have to do,” he closed his eyes pressing his forehead against yours. “But the fear we invoke keeps everyone motivated.”

“Did then Admiral believe that we're here to inspect him?” 

“He does, even if he doesn't believe it he knows it will only put a fire under the workers, we'll take a tour tomorrow, tonight we’ll speak with the Supreme Leader via the holo platform here.”

A fair amount of anxiety filled you as you approached the holo projection room, “Ben,” you said softly, “what do we tell him about master Luke?” His jaw clenched.

“That we have an idea of where he is but that we explored that planet first because we felt drawn to it.” His eyes challenged you to find a lie with in the statement. 

“I'm glad this isn't in person ,” you said softly, “I don't know if my mental shields are strong enough to protect us.” 

Ben squeezed your hand, “Just don't lie. He can always spot a lie.” The projection room door slid open as you entered.

“Kylo Ren,” The Supreme Leader's voice echoed, it instantly made you want to wince but you fought it. “It's been three weeks since you last checked in.” 

“Yes Master,” Ben said bowing. You followed suit, “We thought we found Skywalker there was not time to give you warning.” 

“Did we gain anything from this venture Kylo Ren?” The Supreme Leader’s voice felt deceptively kind.

“Yes Master, we found my apprentices temple.”

Snoke seemed to consider this, “Did you enter the temple my child?”

“No Supreme Leader, we felt it best to consult you before entering the temple.”

He nodded solemnly, “I believe this was the best course of action. Your training is not yet complete.” He seemed to consider everything sorting through the facts. “You will bring your apprentice to me Kylo Ren. I will complete her training. “ 

You felt Ben's heart beat against his ribcage, “Master you promised that she would be mine to train.” He kept his voice level but a sweat had broken out on his skin. You held your breath.

“You went off mission Kylo Ren,” Ben looked down.

“That planet was among the ones I listed we would be visiting.”

“Your apprentice received a message from Luke Skywalker,” you felt a scream building inside your chest, you took a deep breath. “Y/N,” the Supreme Leader switched his gaze to you, his eyes seemed to burn through your mind, “Did you meet with Luke Skywalker?”

You were trapped, you knew you couldn't lie to him, a tear rolled down your cheek, “Yes,” you said your voice unwavering.

“Why did you not capture him?”

“My former master wanted to check on me,” you looked into the eyes of the projection, “We still have an idea of where he is based,” you began but the Supreme Leader interrupted. 

“I am sending Captain Phasma to collect you,” he said firmly, “Ren may escort you if he wishes but I will complete your training. Ren, “ he said disgustedly, “you will continue to monitor the location of Skywalker and the scavenger, once her training is complete you will eliminate them. I believe I can trust you to complete this task at least?” 

All of a sudden the room felt frigid, you could feel the cold fingers of the dark side creep up your spine, “Supreme Leader?” You asked.

His vision switched to you, his anger evident, “What will happen once I enter the temple?” Snoke shifted in his chair.

“I believe your true potential will be unlocked, do you fear change?”

“I've already changed so much, it calls to me,” you said softly, “it was painful to leave it, I believe it established a connection to me.” The Supreme Leader seemed to consider this.

“Have you had any more visions since you left?”

“No but I feel its pull, why would it have such control over me?”

“It is your destiny.” His sneer made you curiosity die, “We will begin your training once you arrive. And Ren?”

“Yes Master?” Ben said eyes down and voice shaking.

“Do not disappoint me again.” The transmission abruptly ended.

You could hear the leather creaking as he clenched and unclenched his hands, “Ben,” you said your voice barely above a whisper. His rage and sadness were burning him from the inside out you knew he could only last so long before he snapped. Then it happened the room illuminated in brilliant red as his saber came to life.

You stepped back as he began swinging his saber screaming out his frustrations, after a few moments he stilled as the projector console and anything solid in the room other than you smoldered. Walking behind him you placed your arms around him and hugged him tightly. He turned brining you around front he sank to his knees and buried his face against your stomach sobbing, crouching down you brought his chin up, “Let's go to our room,” he nodded, handing him his helmet you stood steeling yourself you both walked out and back to your quarters.

Once inside you stripped him to his underwear and did the same, crawling in bed you held him until his sobs quieted. Finally regaining his composure he kissed you gently, his hands beginning to explore your body, “is this the same?” you nodded grinning, he smiled weakly his fingers tracing the lines and straps, “it's like you're wearing nothing yet everything is covered.”

 

He pulled the covers back to look at you, “You planned this, didn't you?” He smiled running his fingers under the straps of the panties tracing all of its lines. “What were you going to do?” He asked as his hand slid down the outside of your thigh.

He bit his lower lip feeling the smoothness of your leg, “Well,” you said propping yourself up on an elbow, “ I was going to make you sit in that chair,” he followed your gaze,” and then I was going to take off my dress slowly,” he groaned as you straddled him, his hands automatically came to your breasts.

“And then?” He asked his breath heavy, you grinned leaning forward stealing a kiss.

 

“And then I'd slowly dance my way to you,” you said kissing him again, “and climb on your lap,” he grunted nodding,” and then I'd, “you leaned down to his ear whispering the dirtiest thing you could think of.

His eyes widened in excitement, “You'd let me do that?” You grinned nodding, “I'm sorry your plans were spoiled,” he said his hands glided lower cupping your rear tugging you forward. “Come here he said,” pulling you down for a kiss you slid off him and into his arms, laying your head against his chest. “Just let me hold you,” he said kissing the top of your head. Snuggling against him you understood, he needed contact. 

He tilted your face up still kissing you, he brought things to a sensual simmer as his hands still roamed your body, stroking and occasionally pinching bringing your body to a low burn. Any time you tried to touch him he’d bring your hands up above your head pinning them there as he kissed you deeply, “Ben,” you whined softly.

“I want to memorize it,” he said squeezing your breasts watching the way the underwear outlined them. “He's taking you from me,” his fingers stroked up your neck and back down tracing your collar bones. “I don't know how long he’ll withhold you to punish me, I want to remember how every part of you feels, the way you look, I'm burning it into my memory.”

“It's not like we won't see each other again,” you tried to be strong, to be the one who kept it together but your heart ached at the idea of being separated. “We’ve survived before, this is only temporary,” tracing the lines of his chest and stomach with your eyes you started doing the same, burning the angle of his jaw, the way his hands felt against you. It was too much, “Ben, he can't keep us apart, not for long were bonded too strongly, it will affect our abilities.”

He closed his eyes laying against you as you traced his arms, your fingers running over the rows and rows of scars, “How bad was your training?”

“I was isolated, even with others he made sure they would have nothing to do with me, so that I'd rely on him,” he looked at you, “I still don't think he used me the way that you do.”

“That won't work on me, I'm not a child,” you said thoughtfully.

“I wasn't a child, I was full fledged Jedi Knight and a married man,” he kissed your temple.

“You were 17 when he took you,” he pinned you underneath himself, “I'm a grown woman, I just have to remember that I'm not alone, that you're waiting. You didn't have that,” he lowered his lips to yours.

“You can't excuse my actions,” he pressed his forehead to yours, “I had you when I did the worst of it…” He frowned but you kissed him pulling him down against you.

“Make love to me Ben,” you said softly stroking his face. He sighed as you slid your fingers back and down his shoulders coming to rest on his hips and you pulled him in tight wrapping your legs around him. He moaned softly melting against you, pressing himself against you he moved to your neck kissing it hard grazing his teeth along the delicate skin before he nipped at the base of your neck you gasped sharply making him buck against you. He pulled back to look at you. Smiling you kissed him hard grazing your nails against his back he growled and it became all rough hands and biting kisses.

It was going to leave you both with marks but it was desperation filled need. Sliding down your body he removed the underwear almost carefully. You raised an eyebrow making him blush, “I want to see you in these again,” you smiled but before you could comment he buried his face between your thighs pulling loud moans from your throat.

Arching into his touch you came loudly with your nails dug firmly into his scalp. Grinning he kissed you hard as you wrapped your legs around him and pulled him down against you. Afterwards he pulled back as he tucked your hair behind your ears, “I'm sorry,” he said softly, “you asked me to make love you,” he grinned bashfully running his thumb over a darkening bite mark.

Pressing two fingers to his lips you shook your head, “I love you like this, hungry, raw, I didn't want you to stop or I would have told you to,” he sighed collapsing on you his head resting on your chest. “It's just residue,” you said, he looked up, “left over from violence, when you're violent it's like this.”

“Am I? “ His eyes were questioning.

Nodding you caressed his back, “Even when we're younger, don't you remember how sex was after sparing? Or if we had to fight? You'd turn almost savage but I loved it. It's Ren, “ you said softly, “It's when you're mostly Ren, back then there wasn't really a division.”

He laced his fingers with yours, “I didn't remember hurting you during sex.”

“It's not really hurting me if I like it,” you blushed, “sometimes it's rough and sometimes it's gentle.” You said tracing his matching leather bracelet, “Don't you remember the times against the temple wall? We'd have scrapes and bruises for days, one of the instructors saw me in the shower she thought I'd fallen off a cliff,” you grinned.

Lazily he kissed your chest his swollen lips finding a nipple, “I'd forgotten about that,” he nipped it making you jerk, “thinking back I always remembered the times when it was nice. Like on Coruscant, when the Jedi order paid for the hotel rooms and you poured all the soap from both of our rooms to make a bubble bath and then we made love on the satin sheets until Master Luke came looking for us? Or the times we were all alone on missions for days and we’d stay naked from take off to landing.”

Chuckling you caressed his cheek, “Those were great times,” smiling you thought about all of the stolen moments you took for granted back then, “what about when you rescued me on Jakku? I had sand in very uncomfortable places.” He laughed hard shaking against you, “we were sun burned for days, but it was magnificent and rough and desperate, just like this was.” 

“I thought those pirates were going to kill you,” he said shifting to his side and pulling you back against his chest. “I didn't know how they'd managed to capture you but I wouldn't stop until I killed them all.”

Sighing you pressed into the warmth of his body, “That was Ren surfacing,” picking his hand up you kissed his knuckles, “I wish we had known just how much of you he was going to take over.”

“It's in the past,” he said against your ear, his breath tickling the hairs on your neck.

“True,” you said quietly, “I just wish I had known I'd end up on this side in the end,” his arm tightened around you, “we lost so much time.”

“Shhh,” he said kissing your cheek, “don’t think about that,” he rested his head against yours, “stay here with me.” His fingers trailed along your stomach. Wrapped in his arms you fell asleep trying not to think about what you were going to become following in his footsteps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me if you're reading this update, i know its been two months since i updated, i just really hated this chapter for some reason and couldn't get it out. I'm going to work on the next few chapters i already have written and work hard on getting them out. 
> 
> Special thanks to my Beta [ SeriouslySatan ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriouslySatan/pseuds/SeriouslySatan) she's amazing and deals with my moodswings and my absolutely horrific writing.
> 
> Also i now have a [ Tumblr ](https://trashfan2003.tumblr.com/) for my fics. Hit me up if you want to chat, have a complaint, have a comment or something you want to see. 
> 
> :D


	17. The Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader finds a little bit more about her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should apologize about how long it's taken to get this chapter out. I've had it and the next two chapters written forever but I've taken a new position at work and have had no real time to do any writing or editing. I'd love to say that i'll be editing at a normal pace from now on but i don't want to lie. 
> 
> I love you guys for following me this long. I promise i'll do my best to speed things up.

Chapter 17

The Force

Waking up with your bare chest pressed tightly against Ben’s you sighed, angling your face up you kissed his chin enjoying the rare stubble when you felt it. Something felt out of place. Calling silently to your lightsaber you ignited it and jumped toward the presence stopping short of its neck. Phasma looked amused illuminated in the blue-green glow, raising the lights you called to your robe and wrapped it around yourself.

Ben stirred and pulled the sheets to cover himself, “What is the meaning of this?” He said angrily.

“I'm here to take custody of Y/N, I'm under strict orders from the supreme leader not to let her out of my sight.” 

“You couldn't wait until we were dressed?” Ben snarled as he slipped into pants and stalked to you.

“No, I came straight here per orders,” she said scowling at you. “Does he think you're going to run Kylo?” She smiled cruelly.

“I don't know what he thinks, but would we have come to a First Order installation if we were going to run?” 

“Probably not Ren, but you've done a lot of things recently that would have never done before,” Ben stiffened. 

“How am I acting any different,” she laughed but it was a cold sound.

“Ren…” She smiled, “ You're going off mission, you shouted at the Supreme Leader back on Hevurion,” your head swiveled around to him. He hadn’t told you that they fought. “You snuck around a Resistance ship instead of calling for a pick up. She’s affecting you. The Supreme Leader knows the only way to regain control over you is to separate you. He fears your sentiment will cause you to act rashly or betray the order.”

“I would never betray The First Order, I -”

“You met with Skywalker! You didn't even try to capture him! I don't know you anymore Ren and she's the cause of it.” Phasma glared at you cold rage barely concealed, “Get dressed and pack your things we leave within the hour.”

 

Packing up your belongings you found the silver dress you'd picked up for Phasma rolling it carefully you placed it in your duffel. Now would not be a good time to try and mend your relationship with her you decided, “Phasma,” you said catching her attention.

“That's Captain Phasma,” she said sharply.

“I'm sorry Captain,” you said bowing your head, “I just wanted to thank you for coming to get us.“ 

She scowled, “I'm here on orders.”

“Thank you all same,” something unreadable passed over her features.

Turning back to your pack you fished out some clothing for today and started for the refresher, “You can change out here,” Phasma said angrily.

“Don't you think you're taking this a bit far Phasma?” Ben asked her.

“I was told not to let her out of my sight,” Phasma stepped toe to toe with him.

“It's okay Ren,” you said softly, “I would like to freshen up if that's okay, I can leave the door open.”

Phasma stared at you, “I'll accompany you,” she stormed into the refresher and you followed determined to control your temper. _This is about the trooper Ben_ , you said silently to him. His jaw clenched but he nodded to you.

After showering you toweled off and dressed, “Thank you for allowing me to shower.” 

Storming out of the refresher she didn't answer so you followed her, Ben touched your arm, “I'll pack up the toiletries,” he said softly as he turned to go take his own shower.

Sitting down on the bed you tried to calm yourself, “You’ll be rooming with me on the trip back.”

“Both of us?”

“Is he returning with you?” Phasma asked sharply.

“Yes, the Supreme Leader told us Ren would be allowed to accompany me,” you said calmly.

“I’ll have to confirm that,” she stared at you as if trying to read you.

“How is TW-2975 recovering?” You asked trying to deflect some of her rage, “I wanted to visit him but they kept me pretty sedated after my own surgery.”

“He's been fitted with a prosthetic, he seems to be adjusting to it,” she replied tensely.

“I'm sorry,” you said taking a deep breath, “I… I lost control when I hurt him I shouldn't have--”

“You're apologizing?” She scoffed, “He’ll never be the same he’ll never be as effective he’s-”

“Phasma!” Ben shouted coming out of the refresher towel slung around his hips, “Stand down. You know as well as I do that she spared him. The Supreme Leader intended to see how far she'd go,” Ben came to your side wrapping an arm around you. “We both know he hoped she'd kill him.” 

Phasma stared at Ben, you could see her breath becoming uneven, she looked like she might cry but she pulled it back, “Get dressed Ren, we're leaving.” 

Ben stroked your face, “Are you okay?”

Nodding you looked down, “She’s so angry with me.”

“She's scared,” he tipped your chin up and brushed your lips with his. Letting you go he quickly dressed and packed up the remaining items in the refresher.

Shouldering your packs the pair of you walked to the door where Phasma stood. “Follow me,” she said pulling on her helmet dropping your hand for a moment Ben donned his own and together you followed her out and to her ship.

 

Boarding she motioned for you to follow her, she led you to her projection room, “Drop your things there,” she and Ren remained helmeted. The room darkened and the holo projection flickered to life, “Supreme Leader,” she said bowing, you and Ben followed suit bowing deeply.

“Captain Phasma a pleasure,” he said his eyes resting on you, “I see you've retrieved our wayward force users.”

“Yes Supreme Leader, Ren seems to think he's accompanying us.”

“He is Captain Phasma, he'll be coming here initially until I have a mission for him,” stiffening Phasma nodded.

“You're unhappy about this Phasma?” Snoke seemed amused by the strife running through the group. 

“You commanded me to take custody of her, you made no mention of him,” she raised her chin almost defiantly, “I wanted to make sure I carried out your orders Sir.”

“Loyal as always Phasma, Kylo Ren is allowed to accompany her. I assume you have adequate accommodations for them? I understand they prefer to room together now.”

 

Phasma shifted, “Sir I believe we should keep them separate, I -”

“You will allow them to room together,” Snoke stared her down. Phasma grimaced behind her helmet and turned to you and Ren, “Y/N,” Snoke said.

 

“Yes, Supreme Leader?” You asked your anger barely contained beneath the surface.

“Begin preparing yourself mentally for training, we will begin once you arrive make sure you are rested,” the projection flickered and went out.

 

“Well,” Phasma said taking a deep breath, “you two take the smaller crew cabin. The pilot and copilot will take the larger cabin,” she removed her helmet and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Stay in your room, both of you I should have no reason to suffer the sight of either of you for the rest of the voyage ,” she headed to the bridge to direct the pilot.

“Come on,” Ben said picking up both packs and you followed him to your home for the next few days.

Once settled you sat on one of the two small beds, Ben looked at them and frowned. Then he pulled the bed against the far wall out and pushed it against the one you sat on he grinned then sprawled out on it next to you.

“Why don't you change into something comfortable and we’ll try to rest,” he said reaching for you. Sighing you stood up and started rummaging through your pack. Pulling out some suitable clothes you changed and crawled in bed, “better?” He asked wrapping an arm around you.

“Aren't you going to change? “ He shook his head and slipped his pants off you snickered and snuggled in close. “What frame of mind should I be in for training?”

“Receptive, focused, you'll be working on purifying your anger,” shivering you nuzzled against him.

“What… what happens if my anxiety gets out of hand,” Ben kissed your forehead.

“Remember my touch,” he rubbed circles on the backs of your hands, “reach out to me. I don't know how far away we can sense each other, but if I can I'll comfort you. If I'm not there send me a holo.” He kissed you again before tucking your head under his chin. “Rest, I don't know how long until he sends me back out.” 

Calming your mind you relaxed into his arms, how long before you were separated? Until he was out risking his life against Master Luke or Rey. You shuddered and he tightened his hold on you, “Stop,” he said softly, “you'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it.” The ache under your ribs became sharp and you started gasping, “sweet heart,” he said gently he kissed your cheek but it was too late. You clawed at his arm and he released you as you stumbled out of the bed he stood to follow you.

“No,” you said sharply, trying not to cower, “l-leave me alone for a minute,” he nodded his worried expression making you feel worse you fumbled with the refresher door and slammed it behind you. You felt too hot and constrained ripping off your clothes you got into the shower stall and turned on the cold spray and let it hit you and then you sank into the stall and started sobbing. After a while you started shaking and your teeth started chattering but the pain finally left leaving you exhausted. Hearing the door open you peered up, Ben frowned and turned off the water. He wrapped a towel around you and hoisted you up. 

“Is it normally this bad or often?” you shook your head.

“Only every now and then, sometimes it's worse,” closing your eyes you tried to push the thoughts out of your head. “It's worse when I'm under stress or,” you took a deep breath as he laid down with you and unwrapped the towel. He took his shirt off hissing as he pulled you close and wrapped a blanket around you, “Or when I use the force a lot, but that seems to have slacked off just leaving me with more general anxiety.” Shrugging you let his warmth flood into you. “Don't feel so guilty, it's something I've had forever. Surely I had it back…”

Ben looked more guilty than you'd ever seen him, “Ben?” he closed his eyes, “Ben did I have these issues before you... before?”

“You would sometimes get nervous before a mission… but nothing like this. Sometimes I'd have to calm you down but for the most part it was me that needed care, because of my emotions and dreams.” He looked even more guilty his brows furrowing, “What happened when you woke up at home?”

Blinking you tried to recall it, you'd laid in bed for days the pain of Ben being gone too great to allow you to eat or drink. You're mother had called a doctor who sedated you. Fighting through the confusion you used jedi memory tricks to bring it forward.

“She's been through a trauma,”the doctor said quietly, “she's got some scarring consistent with self inflicted wounds. She's fragile.” Your mother sobbed loudly.

“Should we talk downstairs?” Your father asked, his voice distorted.

“It shouldn't matter she won't remember this,” the doctor said trying to comfort your parents. “She’s very run down.” He looked your way his face grim, “Try to get her to eat or even drink nourishment shakes if you can. I've never seen anything like this she's shutting herself down. Do you know what happened to her?”

“Y/N… she... “ your mother started crying again, “she was a Jedi at Skywalker’s school she survived the massacre there.”

“That explains some of it then, she likely has PTSD,” he looked over his shoulder at you. “Did she lose anyone she was close to?”

“Her friend, Ben Solo died in the attack.” Your father said quietly, “She never said but I think they were involved, after her first year there we never saw them separated. Do you know much about jedi?”

The doctor shook his head, “No I'm afraid we didn't study them or their biology when I took courses, they just weren't around anymore.” The doctor hugged your mother, “Give her time she’ll have to decide if she wants to live.”

Even in your hazy state you remembered their words but felt confused by them.You'd left. You found out when you got home that the school had been destroyed. Eyes burning you started weeping again, your mother came to your side, “It's okay,” she stroked your face, “the doctor gave you something no don't try to move.”

“I never became a jedi,” you slurred.

“Of course you did,” your mother wiped away your tears, “you're just confused.” The doctor motioned to your mother.

“Don't argue with what she's building as truth. If She watched her boyfriend die then she may be protecting herself from it. It will all come back one day, just be ready for it. Until then don't pressure her, she may even pretend she never went through this.” He sighed, “She's going to be delicate for a long time maybe the rest of her life.” He handed your mother some pills. “These will help when she can't handle it, it's a sedative. Call me if she gets worse or doesn't start eating, if it comes to it I may have to hospitalize her. In the meantime take precautions, keep weapons, knives, razors out of reach. “

Your father rounded on the doctor, “You think she'll try to harm herself?”

He patted your father on the shoulder, “I'm afraid she'll do more than that, like I said she has self harm scars,” the words finally sank in.

“When you said… I thought...:” Your father looked at you, “Oh no. I thought you meant she got injured by her lightsaber or something during training,” he took a ragged breath, “you mean my little girl tried to kill herself?”

Your father broke down as if it was the last straw, “Yes, she has scars on her wrist, it looks like someone stopped her. How long has it been since the attack on the school?”

“A few months,” your father said shock still in his voice, “we didn't know where she'd gone… Luke said he'd lost touch with her, said she'd left to confront some dark jedi but he came here acting as if she'd died. Then months later she just showed up standing on our door step pale and out of her mind. We tried to take care of her but she kept rambling about Ben and about staying hidden. We thought she was better for a day or two but then she refused to get out of bed.”

“Y/N still has a long and painful recovery in front of her, make it as normal as possible. When she starts moving give her things to do,” he patted your shoulder, “just accept what she says. Once it does come back she'll tell you what happened, just make sure you're ready to hear it.”

“I didn't know I left you like that,” Ben stroked your hair as the memory faded, “I'm sorry. I thought I thought I did it clean,” you shuddered.

“I didn't remember that,” you said flatly, “they never told me that I was that bad. My mother just told me I stayed in bed for a long time crying. She knew about us…. They must have thought that I'd break. It makes sense now why they didn't give me a lot to do or why they watched me so closely. “ Your lip quivered, “When I'd get upset they'd drop everything and try to calm me down, it got to the point that I'd hide if I felt an attack coming on. After a while they let me have more freedom then we moved to Agamar. My uncle treated me like an adult and his kids,” you sniffled,” I loved them so much Ben. The smallest was only two months old. I raised her, she never knew her mother and I would pretend she was ours.” You curled against him.

“Baby,” he said softly his face buried in your hair, “I'm so sorry I thought… I thought you’d be better off without me. I didn't realize it would hurt you so much. I thought if I got rid of the bad memories you could move on. That you wouldn't be sad, but I broke you. I should have just kept you with me but you were fragile, you had tried to kill yourself. I knew you wouldn't survive Snoke not in that state. Now,” he tucked your hair behind your ear, “now you'll be okay, you're strong,” he smiled. 

“What did it feel like when you left me?” You asked him.

“Like my heart left me. I had a hole in my chest that never stopped hurting, not until I found you again. I closed myself off… I couldn't function the pet helped I loved her so much, it was like having a piece of you back, then they took her from me so I became Kylo Ren in name and in purpose I killed Ben Solo in that room. I let them think you died.” 

“That's why I had to stay hidden,” he nodded 

“They made their own assumptions when they found all the blood, I refused to speak about you but he knows now. When I found you and carried you to the med ward I reported it to him immediately explaining that I wiped your memory and took you home. He seemed to accept it but he forbid me from rekindling any relationship but when he saw, when he felt what was between us he decided to let us be together.”

“To what end?” You asked.

“I think he saw, that I'm in better control, that I I didn't seem as lost.” He looked at you, “I never got over leaving you there I've felt wrong every day of my life until I got you back. When I woke up in your arms that night I knew” he sighed, “I knew I could never go back. I was ready then to tell him I had to have you then he gave us that warning.” He searched your eyes, “I can't live without you again. I don't know how-”

You kissed him gently, “He'll see he can't keep us apart, we're too strongly bonded it hurts too much.”

*****

“Welcome my children,” said the Supreme Leader as you and Ben went down on one knee, “rise,” he said.

Coming to your feet you stared ahead trying to slow your heart, after a few moments you relaxed and focused on Snoke. “Did you rest?” He asked in an almost caring voice.

“Of course Sir. I am ready to begin training,” you could feel the anxiety building under your skin as the hairs on your body stood up in such close proximity.

“Good leave your things, a droid will take then to the quarters I have assigned you both,” he turned abruptly and started down the long narrow hallway, two troopers in red armor flanked him. Swallowing you followed him to a large training room. Snoke took his seat on a raised platform, “Spar!” he said clapping. Ben withdrew his saber and ignited it stepping towards you quickly drawing your own you matched him.

For over an hour you vigorously sparred. Ben only bested you twice, you had a burn on your neck and he had smouldering hole in the armor covering his shoulder. “Enough,” Snoke said and both extinguished your blades.

“I've never seen you so evenly matched Ren,” he said appraisingly, “meditate, then we will begin again.”

Immediately you went into a restorative meditation. You felt Snoke’s mind slam against your own. You barriers held him at bay but it left you with a searing headache. After a continuous assault that felt like hours he backed off. You felt Ben stiffen and heard him grunt assuming Snoke had chosen that moment to switch his target you started building a stronger outer barrier.

“Stand,” he said in a booming voice you both unfolded coming to your feet. “I want to see how you work together,” he motioned to the red clad stormtroopers who opened a panel revealing two darkly clothed and masked individuals. One had a large modified vibro ax shaped staff and the other a long tapered squared off sword. Ben nodded to them and took position. You turned your back to Ben your focus staying on the individual with the staff as it began twirling.

 

They struck simultaneously and there was a hiss and screech as their weapons connected with the light sabers. You ducked a swipe at your head and kicked the staff welder hard in the stomach, they staggered back but you didn't relent slashing at their feet you hit them with a hard force push knocking them to the ground you lowered your saber to their chest plating, it hissed at the contact and the velvet voice whispered for your to press just a little harder. “That's a kill,” Snoke said and you lifted your saber and rounded to assist Ben. The other combatant with the sword threw a bolo at you which you narrowly dodged. 

He now had both of you in front of him. _Take his left_ , Ben whispered to you through the force. You lunged left as Ben went straight for their head. He ducked Ben but you connected with a savage punch and knee, they whipped out a smaller knife and slashed at you catching your upper arm grunting you tried to sweep out their legs as Ben parried the sword. With the hilt end of your saber you knocked the knife from their hand which seem to surprise him as Ben swooped up and landed a hard hit to their chest. Attacking their legs again you used the force adding power to the kick and they went down on one knee still fighting back Ben's blows. Crouching you made a leap and brought your saber down hard against their sword but they used force push and swiped you hard into the wall. Just then Ben used their distraction to knock the sword from his hand. He grunted as the ragged edge of Ben's blade lit up the eye slots in their helmet.

“Excellent, you move in tandem as I hopped. Knights remove your helmets. These are two of our more accomplished Knights.” The one bearing the staff removed her helmet revealing a bright red mane of hair and a beautiful but cold face. The other removed his helmet revealing dark hair and eyes. 

“So this is the one Ren dropped you for Talth,” Tok said menacingly. “She beat the hell out of you in combat too,” he grinned. “Tok is my name,” his deep and heavily Mandalorian accented voice chortled. He walked close to you, “I smell a Jedi.”

Talth glared daggers and approached slowly sizing you up, “She's going to need a helmet,” she looked at Ren, “that is if you want her to keep this pretty face.” Invading your space she looked you over, “You do smell like a Jedi,” she made a face. “I thought you got that out of your system Ren.”

The Supreme Leader chuckled from his seat on the raised platform, “Play nice for now Knights, what do you think of her?”

Letting the cold grip of the darkside settle over your body you awaited their answers, “She's not afraid of death,” said Talth, “but she's unblooded, that saber isn't red.”

Tok circled you, “Nah she's killed, but it was righteous wasn't it sweetheart.” His term of endearment made you snarl, “She's got fangs. Watch out that she doesn't sink them into you mate.” Ben smirked.

“Will you fight with her?” The supreme leader asked.

“If Master Ren deems her worthy we’ll fight with her,” Talth said her face inches from yours, “but she needs work. She's still got softness in her,” she picked up your hand you glared but allowed it. “That compassion you developed while playing at your academy will do you no favors here, I suggest you lose it.”

Tok shoved you roughly but you absorbed the hit curling your fists, “She can control that temper can't she? But I can feel it raging. What's it take to shake your cool baby?” His hand reached out to touch your face but you snatched his hand and turned it sharply taking him to one knee. “Kitty has claws,” he said smiling as you let him go. “Heard you snapped and popped Leobla’s lung, I'd like to have seen that.” He tilted his head revealing a square patch of scarred skin, “I'd like to remove a few inches of his skin where he'd miss it most.” 

Trying not to grin you smirked making Tok laugh. “Doesn't say much does she Ren?” Said Talth still staring at you.

“She does if she likes you,” Ben said trying to keep his face neutral. He looked at you a small smile on his lips, “What do you think of them?”

“Thought they'd be taller,” you said grinning, Tok laughed loudly and clapped you on the back. 

Snoke cleared his throat, “Y/n, what do you feel? You bested a Knight of Ren and assisted in taking down another?”

“Lucky Supreme Leader, they underestimated me, I doubt I'll have the element of surprise again.” Snoke’s lips curled into a smile.

“Well spoken as always my dear,” he motioned for you to come sit at his feet. As you took your seat he leaned forward to speak to you softly and privately, “Before we're done you’ll take them all down easily,” he stroked your cheek gently. “Meditate my dear we are not yet done today.”

The moment your eyes closed he began his mental assault against you again, feeling your outer defenses start cracking you put more effort into blocking him. After some time he broke through a crack his presence wriggling through and scratching against your consciousness you felt like crying out but you held it in. _Yes guard yourself from him_ , said the voice, _let him know you won't be easy to break._

Your blood ran cold, and your resolve strengthened, you felt Snoke withdraw and you begin repairing your defenses, rebuilding it brick by brick. “You have a formidable defense my dear,” he laid his hand on your shoulder, “Skywalker taught you well.” 

“Thank you Supreme Leader,” he tilted your chin up.

“Do you remember me at all Y/N?” Taking a deep breath you nodded. “I know your memory is fragmented but Kylo Ren told me some things have come back.”

“I have a memory from just after meeting you sir, after you gave him his name,” you said softly.

“And do you remember the name I gave you?” He asked tenderly.

“Vel’Pula?” You said looking at him earnestly. He nodded.

“Vel’Pula Rah, although, Kylo Ren has expressed he would like you to be called Vel’Pula Ren,” his thumb caressed your cheek, “Do you know what would have to happen for you to earn that?”

“I'd have to become a Knight of Ren,” he chuckled.

“Who says you weren't the first?” You stiffened.

“I didn't kill my students and Ren certainly didn't do it all himself.”

Snoke chuckled, “Temper dear,” he said removing his hand. “No I suppose you didn't, you hadn't seen the truth yet.” He gazed at you. “Would you like to remember?”

Trembling, you nodded, “Yes I would Supreme Leader.”

“Then you must allow me in,” he tapped your temple, “my beautiful Vel,” you shuddered. “This terrifies you?”

“Yes sir,” you replied looking at the floor.

“Being open to me or regaining your memories?” He asked almost gently.

“Both Sir,” you said quietly.

“You're defenses will be broken and when I access your mind I'll reveal all I can to you. I'll teach you a better way, but I prefer not to break you completely.” His hand left you, “Do you have the strength to know when you've lost?”

“I hope so sir, “ he chuckled.

“Rejoin the others, it is time to see of you can fight alongside them,” he said dismissing you.

 

Coming to Ben's side his fingers brushed against yours but didn't intertwine, “Are you ready?” He asked, nodding you took your saber in hand and the battle droids entered the room and opened fire. The Knights lined up and you all started deflecting blasts. You sent yours back at the neck joints and quickly shut down all three.

Tok grinned and sheathed his sword on his back, “ ‘fraid we'll need a better test than that Supreme Leader she took em’ out before it got fun.”

“Would you like to face her Tok?” 

“Whaddya say sweetheart to a little one on one,” he winked suggestively. “Been my life's dream to get my hands on a Jedi.”

Looking to the Supreme Leader you nodded and crouched igniting your saber. Tok came at you at a run and you crossed blades with him quickly sparing. He swung at your middle but you blocked spinning away, “That all you've got?” You asked sweetly drawing out some of your anger, your saber felt like it trembled in your hand. 

“I'm just getting warmed up,” he rushed at you again weapons clashing he kneed you in the stomach catching you hard but you recovered keeping his blade at bay hooking your leg around his you toppled him to the ground your blades crossing in front of you between your bodies as you straddled him. “This is much better,” his cockiness belied the struggling in his voice you pressed harder feeding your anger through your arms and into your saber. It felt like it would vibrate out of your hands breaking your concentration. 

He used your distraction to throw you off and knocked your blade from your hands bringing up your fists you ducked his blows and landed a hard punch to his jaw. He spat blood but grinned as you called to your weapon but it shimmed and refused to fly to you. Tok smacked you with the broad side of his sword then pointed it at your chest. “That is a kill,” said the Supreme Leader, “Ren collect her weapon,” Ben grabbed your saber and brought it to you.

“I think it's time for you to construct a new light saber,” Ben said softly as you hooked it on your belt.

“Didn't you keep yours for a while?” He frowned as if he didn't want to talk about it.

“If you push it the crystal will react badly, if it survives it, it won't be the same it will be unstable.” It finally dawned on you why his blade looked ragged.

“Yours cracked?” You asked forgetting where and who you were with you touched his face, he stiffened at the contact. Pulling your hand back you looked down, “I'm sorry master.”

“It's okay,” he said sternly, “the Supreme Leader and I will discuss your new saber. I believe synthetic will be best for you,” while his face and voice had a hard edge his eyes were soft. “He and I have many things to discuss regarding you.”

 

Ben headed toward Snoke’s raised platform and their heads bowed in discussion. “Problem with your weapon?” Talth asked, it didn't sound mocking.

“I no longer have the same intentions as when I built it, it doesn't want to obey me,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Can't you bend it to your will, I thought that's what Master Ren did,” nodding you met her eyes.

“It is but it can become unreliable,” you could feel her understanding.

“Ah that's why he’s rebuilt his so many times,” she looked at the weapon on your belt, “will you build a new one?”

“I think so,” you said looking down at your weapon.

“It didn't seem like your best out there, I'd love to spar with you with practice weapons, then there's no danger of cutting off a limb. I think we’d make good partners. Your strikes are deadly, yet fluid. I think we could challenge each other, just no more force trickery, if we spar we spar with our strength not your tricks. “

“I can agree to that,” she could be a friend you thought.

“Vel,” said the Supreme Leader, “please come forward.”

Nodding to Talth you approached the supreme leader and Ben bowing low you said, “Yes masters?”

 

“Ren brings it to my attention that you are in need of a new weapon,” you nodded, “and that he is apprehensive to allow you to push your crystal, to change it.” He motioned for you to come closer, “May I see your weapon dear?”

Reluctantly you unclipped your saber and handed it to Snoke, he closed his eyes holding his hand over your weapon. His brow furrowed, “Your crystal is confused and angry, you've broken your oath to it harming others in anger and hatred.” He recoiled as if shocked, “It's quite obstinate, not unlike you. Ren believes it would be harmful for you to break the your crystal. “ He thoughtfully took stock of you, “but I disagree, I believe you should meld your crystal to your will.”

Clenching your jaw you looked down, “Supreme Leader, my crystal-”

“Shares your strengths, I know. It will be as much as breaking yourself and moulding yourself into who you are now as much as breaking your crystal.” His eyes seemed to glitter, “but ultimately I leave the decision to you.” Your breath quickened, “Remove your crystal from its casing and meditate with it, commune with it as you did during construction. If after meditation you still believe a synthetic crystal will be better then we shall begin its manufacture.”

Tears began spilling down your cheeks in a moment of weakness.

“There is no need to decide right this moment Vel,” he said almost gently. “You will meditate with your crystal to see if there is a way to coax it, to find out what it wants from you, whether or not you have the strength to break it.” He handed the weapon back to you his hand closed over yours, “My Vel,” he said softly, “I prefer that you break it, but if we must construct a new one, we will.” 

“Thank you for your understanding Supreme Leader,” you said looking down.

“Now follow my guard, they’ll lead you to a meditation room, where you’ll make your decision.” He stoked you cheek again before you stood and followed the guard, Ben looked up frowning watching you leave the room, It's okay Ben, you said silently to him through the force. He nodded before he and the Supreme Leader began speaking again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my lovely beta's fics [ SeriouslySatan ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SeriouslySatan/pseuds/SeriouslySatan) also check out my [ Tumblr ](https://trashfan2003.tumblr.com%22) for news, HC or to chat.
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> You guys are awesome and the best. I love each and everyone of you.


	18. *Update not a chapter*

All of my writings are on an indefinite hiatus, I'm dealing with some unfortunate family conditions and I'm just not in the mind set to be writing. I'm very sorry but I will be back soon.

Lots of love,

-trashfan2003


	19. Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your training wih the Supreme Leader may be more than you bargained for.

After four hours you were exhausted and close to sobbing. Your cyber crystal was more than obstinate, it was downright hostile. As if it knew your purpose it nearly refused to go back into its casing. Eventually you had to use the force to levitate all the parts back together, gingerly you hit the ignition. It came on but it vibrated more forcefully making a firm grip impossible. Sighing you dropped it and laid back exhausted on the cushions.

Fighting tears you curled on to your side, if you broke your crystal, broke it's very soul there would be no coming back. It pretty much screamed that at you. Taking a deep breath you attempted to calm yourself, with your new barriers in place Ben would never know how upset you were and hopefully the Supreme Leader wouldn't feel it either.

A familiar tingle told you Obi Wan had arrived, “Really in the thick of it this time, aren't you?”

“This really isn't the time Obi Wan,” you sighed moving your arm away from your eyes so you could see Obi Wan. “Ben or the Supreme Leader will be coming at any moment,” glancing at him you saw that his face seemed softer than when he normally spoke to you.

“Perhaps…” He said thoughtfully, “But you must construct a synthetic crystal, Luke and I have discussed it. You'll have to kill someone in hatred to break it's soul enough to turn it red and chanel hate through it. You'll be truly lost then,” his insubstantial hand rested on your shoulder. “You don't want that, not really even if you were determined to turn to the darkside you don't want that.” His jaw clenched, “if you go down that road I’m afraid I'll have to give up on you Y/N, you're the future of the order. Luke can not do this without you. “

“This theme is getting old Obi Wan, choose between Luke and Ben…”

“No, you have to choose between duty and your heart. It's that simple.” He looked around, “I don't think we can get you out of here safely, you'll have to play along and escape while on a mission. “

“I won't leave without him Obi Wan,” you sighed, “that won't change.”

“I wish I had lived long enough to train you myself,” Obi Wan said softly. “A master with more knowledge could have taken you so far. Your masters level training is all that's left, “ he looked like he took a breath, “take what you can from Snoke, his training will make you strong just remember who you really are,” he seemed to dissolve after that.

Standing you concentrated searching for Ben, when you located him he was in a chamber that you hadn’t been in yet with Snoke. Reaching out through the force, brushing against his mind asking if you could join him. The answer came back a brusk no but the door to the meditation slid open and a droid offered to show you to your room. Sighing you followed it and collapsed on the bed falling asleep still in your training gear.

Startling awake you felt something grip you tightly you fought it, but relaxed when you recognized Ben's presence, “Shhh,” he said softly, “It's just me.” Settling against him you exhaled.

“What time is it?” You asked stifling a yawn.

“Late, go back to sleep,” he kissed your temple.

“What did you discuss,” you asked making him sigh.

“I can't talk to you about it,” he said sternly, “rest now,” frowning you rolled over to face him.

“Ben,” you started but he set his jaw. His anger bubbled beneath the surface, but it wasn’t directed towards you. “Fine,” you murmured testily snuggling against his chest, “good night.”

Waking up again you were alone, “Ben?” You called to no answer, sighing you laid back down. No one had discussed a schedule with you. So you curled on your side and tried to go back to sleep. That's when you felt something in your rooms, something dark. It sprang out of the corner, a black blur, catching you by the throat. You called to your lightsaber but it refused to come. 

You force pushed the intruder, throwing them against the wall and pinning him there. “WHO ARE YOU,” you yelled the words tore at your already tender throat. Constricting your hand you choked him until he almost passed out. Then you asked him again, the dark matte paint on his face had begun to rub off revealing red skin. “Tell me who you are and you'll live…”

But the intruder grinned cruelly, you couldn't hold him much longer. Your grip through the force began to falter, panting you dropped him. He came at you slashing with a knife. Ducking you threw him bodily into the wall and tried to wrestle his knife from him. You called to your saber and this time it flew to your hand. 

You burned him on the shoulder, “Speak or I slice through you,” the man grinned as the knifeblade ejected and launched itself into your side. It was too late you couldn't feel it or anything else anymore. The darkness had you. Flicking your wrist you partially decapitated the intruder. Cold seemed to permeate your body. The blade of your saber swirled as the crystal cried out in the force the blade color didn't seem as brilliant. You'd killed in hatred, the blade turned a startling crimson like fresh blood. 

It felt odd, the cold surrounding you. It was as if nothing mattered anymore. You felt powerful and strong. Moving back to the bed you sat down meditating as though nothing had happened.

Sitting bolt upright you gasped for air, something touched your arm and you screamed as you stumbled out of bed calling to your saber. The room lit up blue green, Ben sat there brows furrowed. He crossed to you taking the blade from your hand. It extinguished as your fingers left the switch. “What happened?”

“I killed someone,” you said sounding hysterical, “right there,” pointing to where you had left the body, “and I-I-I didn't care…” Ben scooped you up and took you back to bed.

“It was a dream sweetheart,” he stroked your hair, “shh, rest,” he kissed the top of your head. “Don't cry, come on,” he sighed you could feel the ache building in his chest. “You won't have….” But he stopped mid sentence he knew soon, you may very well not have a choice in whether or not you killed someone. Sniffling you fell asleep in his arms.

The next morning when you awoke there was a large covered tray on the table. Ben sat in a chair flicking through his data pad, “Morning,” he said softly. “There's caf and eggs. Some different pastries, I didn't know if you'd had any of these,” he pointed to the different colored jams on the pastries. “So I had the kitchen send an assortment. There's also steak,” he said smiling.

Dragging the blanket along you staggered to the chair, “Milk?” You asked, your lip quivering.

“Here it is,” he said coming to your side pouring in a generous amount of blue milk and a few sugar cubes, “how you take your caf is something I know very well.” He kissed your cheek lightly and then settled back in his chair. You picked at a few different things but couldn't make yourself eat, you felt sick. “That dream took a lot out of you. I spoke to the Supreme Leader and he agreed with me, that you should take it easy today. When you're ready, we'll meditate,” his hand sought yours.

“Wouldn't it make more sense for him to work on breaking me today?” You asked trembling. 

“Sweet heart,” he said softly stroking your cheek.

“He'll probably wait until you’re gone,” you said, nodding absentmindedly, “it would make sense then too.” You could hear how pathetic you sounded but you couldn't stop yourself. “There won't be anyone to argue with him and I'll be weaker without you.” Your hands were trembling and you fought it with deep breaths. “I know it was just a dream, but it felt so real Ben,” you whimpered, “how did you handle it, breaking your crystal?” 

Sighing he said, “Let's not talk about that now,” he squeezed your shoulder, “want to get back in bed for a bit?” You nodded the blanket hanging over you like a shroud.

“Is it because you think I'm fragile Ben,” he frowned guiding you back to bed, “Is it because you heard what the doctor said? “

“No… a little.” He said sighing, “I didn't realize how much of your mind I broke and I was foolish enough to believe I could do it to you without damaging you,” the ache in his chest came back you felt it just like it were your own. “The Supreme Leader and I talked about it at length, he believes as do, I that we need to slow it down, take every day as it comes.” 

Curling against him your tears fell freely from you eyes wetting his shirt, “So I'm an invalid now? “ 

“Of course not, like me, you're unpredictable, fits of rage and,” he swallowed, “fits of despair.” He stroked your back, “He's realized that he'll need to be more gentle with you so you don't do what I did, snap and kill indiscriminately .”

“Wouldn't that align with what he wants? Break me, then send me in against the Resistance?” Ben sighed, “I can feel it calling to me Ben.” He looked down, “What's scary is that I know how much I want it.” Closing your eyes you fought against yourself, “How much I want to slide into the darkness. It's so much simpler there, you don't have to feel unless you want to.” 

Cold seemed to swirl around you, “Stop it,” he said, lightly shaking you, “we use the light too.” You felt it creep up your spine and smooth out along your limbs, “Y/N,” he said warningly, he paled a little. “This isn't you,” he said softly, “don't give in to it.”

With eyes closed you felt light and cold, as if you were a breeze yourself, “Why not?” You asked, “I could handle my memories then, I'd be strong.”

“He wants to give them back to you anyways,” Ben's grip tightened, “I don't know if that's worse or better.” He kissed your forehead.

“What was I like? Luke and Obi Wan both say I'm fragmented and parts of me are gone, what was I like?”

“Strong, “ he smiled, “like you are now, unstoppable, a leader. We all followed because there was no one else as bold.” Squeezing your fingers he continued, “Bravest person I ever met. You never backed down from anything. Compassionate, beautiful, and a caregiver. You nurtured everything you touched, you still have all of those qualities. The memories I took didn't change you, life did, you had to exist in a small space, you didn't get to live the future you trained for and you coped with anxiety I left you with.”

“I should have died with my family,” you said at a whisper.

“Don't say that,” he looked even more worried, “no. I can't. If you died, I don't know where I'd be.” You stayed silent for a long time.

Stroking the scars along his arms you asked, “Did it help? The pain I mean? Did it clear your mind or give you better access to the darkness?”

“It did all of those things, “ he cupped your cheek, “I'm going to call the doctor may-”

“I'm not taking anything,” you said sternly.

“Y/N,” he said gently, “it's okay to fall apart, I'm here, the doctor will give you something to relax you.”

“No…” You were done with needles and injections.

“It can be pills,” he said softly.

“I don't want to lower my guard,” you knew that's when Snoke would strike, who knew what he would do to your mind.

“He won't do anything,” he said softly, “you can trust him.”

“He didn't do anything to your mind?” You asked. Venom started to drip from your words, “It was your idea to murder children, other Jedi and people you'd known your entire life Ben? He changed something in you!” Ben's eyes were damp and tears were starting to flow down his cheeks.

“You don't know what you’re talking about,” he said, but he had started shaking.

“What did he do to you Ben to make you that way? To change a heart like yours? I watched you cry with children who scraped their knees during training. You were gentle,” you said quietly.

“What really happened when you left the order? When you left me?” You felt anger and betrayal, “Why did you leave me Ben?”

“All I ever wanted was to have my own choice of things,” he said softly, “but from the moment they found out that I was force sensitive I...” He sniffed loudly his grip on you tightened painfully. “They, my uncle and my mother, started training me almost ruthlessly, you remember how he was,” you nodded sadly.

“I never wanted a life like this,” his grip relaxed a little but you knew there would be marks. “I wanted to fly ships like my dad. I wanted to grow up to be just like him, but when they decided I would never be normal he backed off and let Uncle Luke take over raising me. He stopped coming home as often, then when I went to school, I only saw him sparingly. That night on Hosnian, when we argued... was the last time… the last time that I saw him before I killed him,” he shuddered and you pulled his head to your chest. 

“And then, I found someone else who loved me, just for me, not for the potential I had. When Uncle Luke realized you were the Jedi he hoped I could be, he slacked off on how intensely he trained me. I was happy because you could fill that role for him. I was jealous of course but I loved you too. I asked a lot of you, asking you to leave, but I thought you were ready to do anything for me just like I was for you. When we married,” he paused looking up at you, “when you gave yourself to me that first night. I thought this is it, this is my happy ending,” he looked at you longingly, “I still believe that.”

He took a deep painful breath, “But when you refused over and over to leave, we started fighting a lot. So much that people started to notice. When you told me to leave,” he shuddered again, “I thought you were joking. I went and I waited on Spira, on our island, for a week like we always did when we could get away, but when you never came, never even sent me a comm. I went to Snoke.”

“I don't..” you paused trying to remember it, “I don't think I remember that. I'm truly sorry Ben,” you stroked his hair. “Maybe…” you sighed, “Maybe this is a way for us to start over. Maybe it's a way for us to make the right choices this time around. This time I chose us.”

His eyes were tear stained, “I know,” he said softly you felt the guilt bloom in his chest. He turned, kissing you tenderly resting his forehead against yours. “Come here,” he said shifting, taking you into his arms, “let's try to sleep a while longer,” nestling into the crook of his arm you let your sadness take over and cried yourself to sleep.

“I understand Supreme Leader, when she awakes we will come to you for meditation. Thank you for allowing her this time to process,” you couldn't hear the Supreme Leader's words, “so soon?” He asked disappointment seemed to radiate from him. “Is it wise to,” he was cut off. “Of course Master, I trust your wisdom. I will do as you bid.” 

Crossing back to the bed he crawled back in, “Rest,” he said, his lips grazing your forehead. “He doesn't expect us for a bit.” Everything ached, your face, your chest, arms and legs. Stretching you wrapped an arm around him.

“He has a mission for you doesn't he,” he nodded his mood falling farther, “I’ll be strong Ben.” He gave you a sad smile.

“You're always strong,” he said bringing the back of your hand to his lips. 

“I haven't been today,” you frowned, lost in your own thoughts.

“You were in a way,” he looked at you lovingly, “you let me in more than you ever have,” he brushed your hair over your shoulder, “I think it just all caught up with you finally.”

“Why is he being so nice Ben?” 

“I told you, he's on our side,” he kissed your forehead, “trust in his wisdom.” Sighing you nodded, at times it seemed like Ben had gotten past his worship of Snoke, at others he seemed just as blind as ever.

“How long do we have?” 

“Not long, he’ll know we're both awake now,” groaning you slipped out of bed and headed to the refresher to get ready. After a sonic shower and fresh clothes you felt a little better. Ben changed into a dark gray tunic and soft pants. He offered his hand to you and together you walked hand in hand through the corridors. 

Before entering he dropped your hand. Once inside Snoke requested you each take positions on the meditation cushions before him.

“How are you feeling my dear?” He asked, it sounded like genuine concern, but you shrugged it off.

“I feel better Supreme Leader, thank you for allowing me time to recover,” you said softly. 

“Your wellbeing is important to me Y/N,” he said his eyes narrowed. “Now, both of you meditate, I would like to focus on your fears. Ren, if she starts to falter, you know what to do.” Trembling you placed your hands on your thighs and began emptying yourself of everything, but fear. At first it stayed in its small cocoon you'd kept it in over the last few months but after last night it started swelling. 

“That's it,” said the Snoke feeling your breath increase, “pull it out.”

Old fears of discovery surfaced when you thought back to the talks you'd had in the last week and your anxiety in using the force, “That my dear, focus on it.” You felt Snoke beside you, you hadn't heard him move. Feeling the pain blossom in your chest your breath shortened, “Breathe Y/N,” Snoke said. His hand rested on your back directly behind the pain, his touch made you feel cold and clammy. “Deep breaths,” he said, but it didn't help you were shaking and the pain seemed to grow.

Unable to hold onto a meditative state you started panting and moved forward onto your hands and knees when you felt Snoke’s palm against your forehead, “Be stronger than your body, make it submit to you.” Forcing yourself back you took a deep breath, but it felt like daggers and it drew a whimper from your lips.

Suddenly you felt Ben's arms around you and the warmth of his body beneath you, “Shhh breathe sweetheart,” his face resting against your hair and his hand covered the space over your ribs. “Deep in, all the way fill it up,” you took a deep breath. “Now hold it, imagine it filling you, filling your chest cavity and pushing out the pain,” after several breaths the pain started subsiding and the coldness set in as you began shivering. Wrapping you in his cloak he continued murmuring to you softly until you opened your eyes. He smiled at you, “See? Nothing you can't work through,” Snoke stood back, watching both of you and how you interacted.

“Does she calm your anger in the same way?” Ben nodded.

“Her presence more than anything.” When you stopped shivering you slid off his lap hanging your head in shame, you'd allowed yourself to be weak in front of the Supreme Leader. Ben tilted your chin up, “Don't be ashamed,” he was being intimate. He was being Ben and you were suddenly terrified Snoke would take it all away. “No don't,” he said softly, “it's just the three of us, the Supreme Leader doesn't mind.”

“I don't like how dependent you are on each other,” he settled on a cushion in front of you, “however,” he wheezed, “if you work together as well as I think you will, it will be worth it. Be wary of the sentiment you hold for each other, it cannot get in the way of what we are trying to achieve.”

“It won't supreme leader,” Ben said solemnly, “we'll put the good of the First Order and your commands before anything else. “

Snoke eyes settled on you, “What did you learn?”

Your skin started crawling, “It's hazy, but Master Ren and I have spoken about this before, I had a deep rooted fear of being discovered after we separated. I thought I'd be hunted by Kylo Ren or one of his minions.”

“Do you believe this is the basis for your anxiety?” Snoke asked.

“It probably contributed to it, the doctor that treated me on Chandrillia believed I suffered from PTSD. He believed that my symptoms were linked to it. I'm sure having missing memories didn't help. My mind couldn't make sense of it.”

Nodding he pressed his hand against your forehead again, “Lower your shields,” he said gently, struggling you dropped your outer most shields. “All of them,” you dropped your secondary shields. He pushed against your inner shield but it didn't budge, “Vel,” he said warningly.

“I can't,” you said softly, _drop it_ , the voice said soothingly, you almost did giving in to its velvetines, _NOW!_ It shouted. Opening your eyes you stared at the Supreme Leader, realization crashing around you. “It's you isn't it?” 

Snoke stared knowingly at you, “Vel, drop your shields, I need to see into your mind.”

“You're the one sending me visions of temples and nightmares,” your lip quivered.

Ben's hand covered your shoulder, “Shh it's okay.”

Craning your head you stared at Ben, “You knew!” You almost shouted.

“I suspected, but I didn't know for sure,” his expression was guarded and worried, “try to relax. Let him in,” he said softly but you threw up every wall you had as you began to fighting. “Please,” he said gently but trembling had taken over, you could feel the Supreme Leader chip away at your defenses.

Even in your mind the Supreme Leader's touch felt clammy, your stomach turned and you fought the overwhelming urge to throw up. He broke through the first two layers as you screamed. His fingers dug into your mind, meeting resistance against your inner barriers. Before the tremors started you felt it surge up as your limbs started jerking of their own accord.

Ben cursed loudly as he tried to restrain your flailing body, “Knock her out Ren! Before she harms herself,” and the world went black.


	20. Set

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery and training begin, you start to wonder just what happened while you were out.

Chapter 19

 

“Ben?” You asked but the word came out mumbled. Even that seemed too intense. Something cool touched your forehead making you shrink inward both physically and mentally. Being alive seemed too hard, too painful, and much too complicated.

“She said it again,” a male voice said. Trying to move you felt the world spin, “Nah babe, stay still,” he said gently. Fingers grazed your cheek but it was too intense, you whimpered. 

“She's healing faster than you did Tok,” said a female voice as she replaced the compress on your forehead with a fresh one. “Try to rest Vel,” she said softly, “after a mental assault like that, it takes time to heal.”

“Ben?” You asked again, your voice breaking.

“Maybe she's asking for Ren?” Tok reasoned.

“Master Ren is on a mission, he'll return soon,” Talth said gently in a low voice, her name seemed to come to you from somewhere inside the void within your mind . You could understand what they were saying, but you couldn't organize your thoughts enough to respond or make your body do what you wanted. Trying to move you strained hard.

“Eh now,” Tok said placing his hands on your shoulders, “don't try to think or move.” His face took on a sad expression, “trust me babe, you just have to rest, we've both been through it.” Tok laid down beside you and pulled you close against his body. “Just relax,” he said soothingly, “you won't see Snoke again until you're healed,” his breath tickled your skin making your hair rise sending ripples of pain along your skin, “until then we'll take care of you.” Closing your eyes you slipped back into a fitful sleep.

“How long has she been out?” A pair of cool hands moved your arm away from your face and you heard the intrusive sound of a medical scanner pass over your head.

“Couple of days, she wakes up every now and then. That's faster than either of us,” Talth said, her voice had become as familiar as your own.

“She has a tendency to exceed expectations,” the med tech replied. You heard a few clicks of a data pad, opening your eyes slowly you tried to focus on the med tech. “Good Morning,” he said merrily, you winced as you tried to sit up. “Here you go,” he said as he positioned some pillows behind you. “Can you speak?”

Opening your mouth you tried to ask what day it was, but you only managed one word, ”Day,” you said questioningly.

He seemed to consider your response, “According to the records, you've been out for nearly a week,” you grimaced.

“Ben?” You asked, trying to keep tears from forming, he looked puzzled.

“We think she means Master Ren,” Tok said.

“He sent me to you, you trust me and I know your limits Ma’am. However, according to your charts you're recovering quickly.”

“What…. happened?” You struggled to get both words out.

“You suffered a massive seizure. The Knights tell me that this is normal following the first mind session with the Supreme Leader. The adjustments he makes can be quite disorienting. ” Shuddering you closed your eyes, the word _adjustments_ sent cold chills through your body. “Your brain chemistry and functions are still unusual, but compared to earlier reports you're nearly back to normal. Another day or two of rest and your mind should function normally.” You nodded clumsily. 

 

“I know you're not a fan of sedatives,” he said fixing you with a concerned stare, “but I think one would be the best course of action here.” He paused letting you mull it over, “You need to rest your mind and body to recover.” You started to protest but you knew he spoke the truth. Nodding you gave in, coming close he gave you an injection with the pneumatic injector. “Lord Ren should be with you in a few days,” he said softly.

“W-when?”

“When you wake up,” he said gently as your eyes fluttered closed.

Dreams flitted in and out of your mind. At one point you found yourself in the temple, on your knees, before an altar, hands covered in blood as you felt yourself fill with the darkness.

Amid the roaring din surrounding you, you heard your name being called from a great distance. As you stumbled through the temple you strained and searched trying to find its source. “Ben?” You called and you heard your name again closer this time,”Ben?” You called a little louder and then your eyes opened.

“There you are,” Ben said smiling he looked relieved, “I'm so sorry I wasn't here,” his eyes looked misty, his hands encased your left. He brought it to his lips. 

“I'm s-sure, it,” you grunted,” I'm sure it wasn't your fault.” Your head throbbed. You struggled to sit up.

“Don't move,” he said frowning, “don't exert more effort than necessary,” he helped you up and put pillows behind you. “I've been through it,” he stroked your cheek, “you'll be back to normal soon.”

“That's w-what the Knights said,” you sighed talking seemed to exhaust you, “did he break t-through?”

Ben smiled, “No, you fought him off sweetheart, that's something that even I haven't done.” He said proudly. 

“Is he angry?” You asked swallowing painfully.

“He was at first, but I think he's impressed. No one has been able to defend against him like that,” he laid down beside you. 

“Did you know it would happen?”

“Eventually... we all have to go through it, I just didn't expect it so soon,” he said sadly.

“The k-knights, took care of me,” you said, “why?”

“They accept you as one of their own. We take care of our own.” He kissed your temple, “Tok told me you kept crying out for me, he said you only settled down if someone held you.”

“I think I remember that,” you said reaching out for him, you made contact gripping his hand weakly.

“Just rest,” he said, his brows furrowing in concern, you tugged on his hand, “what is it?”

“I need,” you said softly closing your eyes, “I need you,” he shifted closer pulling you against him. 

“I’ve got you,” he said smiling.

Much later you awoke to Ben sleeping next to you, his hand resting on your hip. Very slowly you sat up and swung your legs over the side of the bed. Head spinning, you stood and slowly made your way to the refresher. Sighing after using the facilities you looked in the mirror and were horrified by the woman that looked back at you. She looked frail, her skin drawn and ashen.

Frowning you lifted your gown wincing at the number of visible ribs, your arms looked too thin and the skin sagged where muscle tone bad been. All the physical training you had done seemed erased. You’d spent more time in hospital beds over the last few months than you’d ever had in your entire life. Getting dizzy you sat back down on the toilet willing away the bile that threatened to come up. When you finally looked up Ben stood in the doorway.

“You should have woken me, I would have helped you,” he leaned against the doorway, worry creased his brow.

“You looked too peaceful,” you said pausing to breathe, “I didn’t want to bother you.” Taking a few more deep breaths you asked, “Can you help me back?” He nodded coming to you, he offered a hand up and you took it gladly. He locked his arm with yours supporting you. Slowly you made your way back to bed. “Thank you,” You wheezed sweat stood out on your skin. “I look terrible,” you commented.

“You’re a bit pale, but I don’t think you look terrible,” he smiled, “try to relax,” he looked around, “do you want something to eat?” Nodding he handed you a data pad. “Order us something,” he smiled, but his eyes were distant.

“How long?” You asked, his frown deepened.

“Tomorrow… he’s got me tracking the scavenger again,” he sighed, “I don’t want to leave you.”

Selecting two portions of roast bantha you looked up at him, “I know you don’t,” you fought an urge to cry, biting it back. “We’ll just take what we can get for now.” Looking down at the data pad you asked, “When does my training start again?”

“Tomorrow,” he said sitting down on the edge of the bed, “he promised not to blind side you again. I can’t promise that he won’t try but he knows he can't force his way in again until you’ve healed.” He looked at you and then pushed forward, “If you’re hiding something important, burry it as deep as you can…” He picked at his fingernails, “if he finds it he’ll punish you.”

“Ben,” you took a deep breath, “what could I be hiding? If I am, I’m doing it subconsciously, I don’t remember much.” Droids delivered the roast. Ben sat it on the table and helped you over. It was delicious and hearty but after eating half you pushed your plate to the side.

“Eat some more,” he said covering your hand, “you need the protein.”

“I can’t,” you said softly, “I’m too full, I’m not sure of the last time I ate properly.”

“Have you eaten anything else since you’ve been awake?” Shaking your head you pulled up the sleeve on your gown to show him your arms.

“I have some bruising, I’m pretty sure they had me on an IV, the MedTech is usually pretty diligent about things like that,” you sighed, “I wonder how much weight I’ve lost?”

“A lot, you’re much too frail,” he looked like he might cry.

“I’ll be back to normal before you know it,” you said turning your palm up to grasp his fingers, “next time you’re with me you won’t even be able to tell.”

“Want to lay back down?” Nodding you started to stand but he lifted you into his arms.

“I can walk Ben,” you said stroking his face.

“Save your energy, besides,” he grinned boyishly, “I love carrying you like this, it reminds me of our wedding night,” he blushed.

“That night was perfect,” you said smiling contentedly resting your head against him.

“Let’s rest for now,” he said laying you down.

“No… I don’t want to wake up alone, “ your lip quivered.

“You won’t, I don’t have to leave until afternoon, I’ll be here when you wake up,” he stroked your hair after laying down next to you, his face just inches from yours. Exhausted you fought to keep your eyes open. Ben’s warm hand cupped your face, “Don’t fight it,” he kissed your forehead. “Rest, I’ll be right here.”

 

Murmuring you continued to fight sleep, “No,” trying to concentrate you tried to speak but it came out gibberish, Ben chuckled and pulled you against his chest. “Love you,” you finally said, conceding as you drifted off to sleep.

It started slow, you felt weightless surrounded by dark green water, you smiled as the sun hit your face. One of your little cousins splashed you as the other tried to climb up on your shoulders to jump off. You giggled splashing back and jumping slightly to give the him a spring board adding air to his jump. You were happy, “Rohna,” you said to the little girl, “don’t go too far there’s a drop off.” She giggled kicking farther out, “Rohna!” You said sharply, “Don’t go out there, it’s not safe sweetheart,” she swam back her eyes down, “you’re not in trouble,” you reassured her. She smiled again, relief plain on her face.

“Let her live a little!” Dayvit said as he shifted to his side on the shore.

“I don’t see you out here!” You chuckled.

“Just enjoying the sunshine,” he said dreamily, smiling he stood and waded out to the the three of you, “this is freezing!” He shouted, Rhona splashed him and squealed in delight when he chased her, “Come here you little rascal!” He caught her and tickled her sending her sputtering and giggling. 

“Neeran,” you said conspiratorially to the other child, “I think it's time Dayvit went under.” He grinned and you both advanced on Dayvit, who gave a scream of his own as the three of you piled on him. He gave up after a few moments of struggling, letting you dunk him, grabbing a child under each arm he hauled them both to the bank with you trailing behind. The four of you stretched out on the blanket letting the sun warm your chilly skin. Later after putting dry clothing on the children you packed up the remaining picnic foods ,ready to leave.

“Do we have to?” Neeran whined.

“It’s still early,” Rohna said before yawning, her entire face scrunching with the effort.

“We’ve been here for hours,” Dayvit knelt to their level, “your cousin and I still have chores to do before dinner,” he said gently to the children as you loaded the remaining bundle on Cera’s back. You patted her bony crest lovingly and fed her a handful of grass. She nudged you fondly softly lowing her contentment.

“Who wants to ride Cera home?” You asked, both of the children jumped up and down excitedly, you lifted Neeran and Davyit lifted Rohna settling them on her saddle, “Hold tight,” you said. Patting Cera’s beak you said, “Slowly now girl they're still very little,” Cera’s eyes were gentle and happy, you knew you had nothing to fear. The five of you headed home, Davyit slid his hand into yours and squeezed it softly.

Sitting straight up you gasped loudly trying to catch a breath. Ben’s hands were on you almost instantly, “Baby,” he said groggily, you turned to him. He looked worried, “Nightmare?” He asked wrapping his arms around you.

“Just the opposite,” you said relaxing into him, “happy dream.”

“Why the reaction?” He kissed your forehead then your lips, “I thought…” You kissed him silencing him for the moment.

“It made me question if this is the nightmare,” you whispered. He started to speak again but you kissed him again pushing yourself flush against him. “Show me this is real,” you said closing your eyes. He groaned as you slid your hands down his body, pulling at the tie on his pants, his hand closed over yours.

“Baby,” he said again, “you shouldn-” you silenced him with another kiss.

“We don’t know when we’ll see each other again,” pleadingly you whispered, “I need you.” Hooking a leg over him you pushed him back against the bed. His hands slid up your body lifting the gown you’d been dressed in.

“Arms up,” he said,lifting the garment up and over your head baring you. His fingers grazed your ribs, his brows furrowed as his hands caressed lower, finding your breasts squeezing them he sighed. Ben sat up and scooted back so he could lean against the headboard. His right hand hooked behind your head bringing you in for a passionate kiss while his left slid around to your back down to your tailbone, pushing you against himself. Pulling back to catch his breath he slid his right hand around lightly squeezing your throat then down to your breasts his thumb squeezing a nipple. “I’m afraid you’ll break,” he said bringing his lips to your throat nipping delicately.

“I think I’ve proved that I won’t break,” you smiled tilting your head back. He hit the spot that made your limbs tingle and you moaned quietly.

Humming softly he nipped harder making you gasp sharply, “Like that?” He asked tounging the spot.

“Harder,” you whispered he grinned against your skin and bit down making you moan wantonly. “It's going to leave marks,” he warned.

“Do it,” you said. Ben grunted as you moved your hips forward and he bit down hard sending shockwaves through your body. Cursing loudly you curled your fingers in his hair pulling him against your neck. Chuckling he licked a stripe up your neck and claimed your mouth. Panting you lifted your hips and struggled to pull his pants down. He helped you pull them down, groaning at the feel of his skin against yours as you sank down against him but without warning he rolled you over and trapped you in his arms against the bed.

Pressing against you he grunted, smiling he pulled your legs up folding them until your feet rested against his chest. Lining himself up he thrust forward tearing a gasp from your throat, with every thrust it seemed to knock a little more of your breath out of your body. Before you knew it you could feel your orgasm building, then it hit you hard making your eyes roll back in your head. Shuddering you could feel him resting against you. After you caught your breath he started moving again in slow deliberate thrusts that were driving you crazy. “Ben,” you panted, “faster,” he shook his head stopping again for a moment to kiss you.

He slid your feet up to his shoulders as he slid in deeper he cursed loudly, “Is this too much?” He asked his voice breaking. Shaking your head you wrapped your hands around his biceps. He pressed forward to kiss you making you shudder. All you could focus on was the intense feeling of fullness and his breath washing over your skin. He pulled back and pressed his lips to the inside of your calf and then began thrusting harder, each thrust pulling a whimper from your throat until you lost all sense and sailed into your second orgasm pulling Ben with you. Roaring he collapsed beside you and pulled your back flush against him. “Kriff,” he panted trying to catch his breath, “are you okay?” He lazily kissed the back of your neck sending tingles down your spine. “Y/n?” He asked worry starting to creep into his voice.

“Perfect,” you said breathily, you shuddered as aftershocks rocked your body. Burying his face in you hair he sighed.

“I love you,” he said pressing deep sucking kisses against your neck.

“I know,” you said chuckling softly.

He cursed again curling around you, “What am I going to do without you?” He asked as he nuzzled your neck.

“Dream about this,” you said pressing your bottom back against him. Sighing contentedly he hugged you tightly.

“Try to sleep baby,” he said, “it's still early, we can get a couple more hours of this.” Nodding you closed your eyes and drifted off happy.

 

***

“Hold still,” he said grinning, “I mean it!”

“You’re the one that got soap everywhere,” you laughed wrapping your arms around him under the hot spray.

“I’m just trying to make sure you’re clean,” he pressed you against the shower stall as he kissed you. Dipping his head underneath the water jet he shook his head, “your turn,” he said steadying you as you stepped directly under the spray, letting it wash the soap out of your hair and off your body. Turning off the water you reached for the towels.

After drying off you dressed comfortably in loose fitting training gear that allowed for full range of motion, unsure of what the Supreme Leader would put you through. “Are you okay?” Ben asked, he rested his hand on your shoulder.

“I”m okay Ben,” you looked over your shoulder at him, “are you?”

He sighed and sat on the bed pulling you down with him, “I don’t know,” he nuzzled you, “I don’t know when I’ll be back,” he threaded his fingers through your wet hair. “I’m worried about you,” he kissed your cheek. “When I leave,” he paused, “you’ll be awake. The times I've left you before you’ve been asleep. You’re going to feel something when I make the jump to hyperspace, it will hurt for a few moments.”

“It's what woke me up isn’t it?” He nodded.

“It will feel wrong, but trust me, I’ll feel it too and I'll be thinking of you, “ you kissed him. “I wanted to warn you, so that you’d know it's real. It's not in your mind.” Warmth flooded you over his concern,“Send me thoughts, I don’t know if we’ll be able to communicate, but try. When you first wake up and just before sleep will be strongest.”

“Thank you,” you said softly he stroked your face. Then trailed his fingers along the leather bracelet around your wrist. “He can't keep us separated long,” you said trying to make yourself believe it.

“We'd better head towards the Supreme Leader before he calls for us,” he said reluctantly.

 

Entering the throne room you felt Snoke’s presence full force, controlling the urge to wince you approached his dais with Ben and knelt before him. “Rise my children,” his gaze seemed to burn your skin. “You’ve recovered quickly Vel, come closer my dear.” Standing you walked to him, “You’re very pale my dear, are you ready to begin?”

Not trusting his concern you answered, “Yes Supreme Leader, I’ve been assured my strength will return over the next few days.” 

Snoke smiled, “Then we’ll keep it light today my dear. Please, move through what meditation forms that you can, focus on strengthening and stretching today, before we conclude I wish to practice force manipulations.”

“Yes Supreme Leader,” you said automatically. You’d made it so far with only a light sweat breaking out on your way here. Ben stood watching you as you moved through the different meditative forms holding them and stretching your sore muscles.

“Something on your mind Kylo Ren?” Snoke asked quietly.

“I’m not sure I should leave just yet Supreme Leader, she’s very weak,” trying to block them both out you sank into a very satisfying low lunge focusing on stretching each muscle.

“She’s recovering faster than you did Ren,” you felt Snoke probe at the edges of your mind, to your surprise you let him in. You lost your balance and fell to the matt confused for a moment but then regained your composure and switched legs, lowering your outer walls you made it easier for him to scan your surface thoughts so he wouldn’t delve deeper. “She’s learning faster than you did as well,” you could hear the smile in Snoke’s voice, it raised hairs on your body.

“I’m worried about our bond Supreme Leader, I was not aware of how reliant we both are on it, until I left last week,” Snoke seemed to consider this.

“You are stronger when together, I can not deny that, but you are not suited to train her,” Ben started to protest but you felt Snoke repress him. “It is not a question of your skill, were it any other force user I have no doubt that you’d train them easily. Your sentiment for her clouds your judgement. You see her as an equal and not a student,” Ben frowned.

“She is my match in strength in the force, there are things that she’s mastered that I can-”

Snoke held up his hand, “Enough Ren, I know how powerful she is even if she doesn’t. You will never be able to push her as hard as is required,” the Supreme Leader turned his attentions back to you. This time he seemed to skim through everything you gave access to, he filtered through it. “Drop your outer shields my dear, you need to let me in, I won’t blast you again, that took too much out of both of us.”

Struggling you dropped both your body and your shields stretching, “Remember what we discussed Master,” he said softly you almost didn’t catch his words, “she may be strong, but she is fragile in a lot of respects.”

“Was fragile Ren, she rebuilt her self piece by piece after you left her shattered,” he sounded annoyed, “you should have brought her to me. I could have helped her and we wouldn’t have lost her for so long.” He cleared his throat, “Stay in arch pose my dear, focus on stretching yourself and stretching your connection, make every part of yourself flexible.” 

“Master,” Ben said softly, “I’m concerned she can take a deep depressive turn and-”

“Enough Ren, she will be under my care,” he dismissed any further talk, “meditate Ren, prepare yourself for your upcoming mission.” Tucking your hands under your feet you stretched far, your face coming to your knees. “Vel, please come close,” feeling energized you strode over to Snoke. “Take a seat by Ren, now that you’re both centered I want to see you manipulate the force.”

Bowing you took a seat next to Ben, his eyes fluttered open and he reached for your hand. Clasping hands with him,” Okay?” He asked and you nodded nuding him lightly with the force, he smiled and gazed forward.

“Vel, please lift the boxes I’ve had placed at the other end of the room,” you weren’t sure they were there earlier. 

“If it pleases you Supreme Leader,” raising your hand you lifted one.

“All of them Vel,” he said gently. Concentrating you raised all of the boxes,”Now Ren knock them all down, Vel do your best to keep them all in the air.” Ben smirked and snapped his fingers, the boxes all dropped a few inches but you kept them aloft.

Surprised Ben turned to look at you, smiling you raised an eyebrow in challenge. Focusing Ben narrowed his eyes and knocked one down then switched his focus but before he could attack another one you lifted the one he had attacked and rotated it slowly. His eyes cut to you amused.

Three dropped but you kept them up, again taunting him, making them either move side to side or up and down while maintaining your rotating box. “Show off,” he murmured and then applied real force as all the boxes dropped but none touched the floor. By the end you were both panting and swearing. He'd only manage to knock two of the five all the way to the floor, you still had three in action. While fun it had taken its toll, your hands were shaking and buzzing. Ben took your hands into his and massaged them trying to will the stress away. “Okay?” He asked softly, shrugging it off you nodded.

“I’m okay Master Ren,” he smiled sadly.

“I believe that is all for now,” Snoke said standing. “You should have some lunch, afterwards you will see Kylo Ren off then we will continue this evening.” 

“Of course Supreme Leader,” you said, standing you and Ben made your way out the door and back to your rooms. Once there he kissed you tenderly, “Order something for lunch Ben,” you said softly, trying not to let yourself dwell on the fact that these were your last few moments with him.

Not meeting your eyes he nodded, walking to the closet you started to pack him a bag, “You don’t have to do that for me,” he said.

“I know I don’t, but I need to do something with my hands,” pulling out some underwear and sleepwear you sighed, “Will you be on the Finalizer?”

“I will, I won’t need much,” his arm wrapped around you, “I have clothes there,” he said kissing the space behind your ear. Closing your eyes you leaned against him, “I ordered endwa for lunch.”

“Maybe it will help you sleep on the shuttle,” you said, “it always puts me in a food coma.” He smiled against your ear before pressing a kiss onto it, “Mmm that’s one of my favorites,” you turned to gaze up at him. His smile was perfect and crooked you burned it into your memory., “That one is too.”

“I know it is,” he said before kissing your forehead and you melted into his arms just enjoying the embrace. 

“How long until you reach the Finalizer?” 

“Day, maybe two,” he said resting his head against yours. 

“Then I’ll just pack you enough to get you there,” he kissed your temple.

“I’ll be okay,” he said into your hair his breath warming your scalp.

“I know you will,” you said sadly, “I’m just going to miss you so much.” Your lip quivered, but you were determined not to cry. “It won’t be long,” you said trying to convince yourself, “and we’ll be together again. I’ll work as hard as I can Ben.”

“I know you will,” he whispered, “I know you will baby.”


	21. Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse into Ben's life with out you, then you're reunited and not everything goes as you'd expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the others, kind of an apology i suppose for taking so long.

  
**Ren's Side**   


Sipping a mug of steaming caf Ren watched the ships pass by in their silent synchronized dance. Rubbing his temples he sighed, “What is taking so long captain? Our ship should have docked twenty minutes ago.” His mood had worsened as the morning progressed. 

“We just received clearance sir,” the captain said swallowing audibly.

“And what was the reason for our delay?” Anger seemed to seethe from his pores and his head throbbed as a migraine bloomed behind his left eye.

“Landing deck issues sir,” the captain said, his voice shaking slightly.

“WE are to receive priority landing clearance, do you understand that CAPTAIN?” The leather in Ben’s gloves creaked loudly as he clenched his fists, he breathed trying not to lose control of his temper.

“Y-yes sir, but the deck chief,” he began to explain, but Ren’s lightsaber ignited. “Lord Ren, I can not break protocol sir.” The captain’s hands shook, “I gave them our priority codes and they put us on standby sir.”

“Our priority code was denied?” The captain nodded violently, losing the color in his face, “Connect me to the deck chief now!” Ren demanded before roughly shoving his helmet back on.

The view screen flickered on and a stalwart deck chief stood at attention, “Commander Ren, how may I assist you sir?”

“Why were our priority codes rejected?” He demanded.

“We had an issue with a TIE fighter’s ion core sir, we suffered a localized EMP, all of our guidance systems were down. All landings had to be delayed while we replaced affected components Sir.”

Ren exhaled, through the modulator it sounded like static, “I expect a full technical report upon landing sent to my data pad.” Ren ended the transmission, “Captain, continue docking procedures,” Ren turned on his heel and stomped to his small quarters aboard the long range ship.

After docking he emerged, a group of stormtroopers were lined up as part of the welcome detail, Ren ignored them stomping past to the closest lift. His migraine had increased ten fold, if he didn’t take a painkiller and find a dark place to hide it would flair across his brain. When the lift doors opened he walked down the long hallway to his quarters. The doors slid open and the bright lights seared across his eyes, he nearly vomited from the pain. Tossing his helmet Ren dashed to the refresher to throw up everything he’d eaten in the last seventy two hours. Wiping his mouth he rested against the toilet blinking back tears. After closing his eyes for a long stretch he finally opened them.

The refresher didn’t look pristine, he blinked, the shower stall door was slightly agape, moisture stood out on the glass. The droids cleaned it even when he wasn’t here, why would it be dirty? It looked like someone had used it in the last few hours. He stood looking around the refresher, a towel hung half way out of the soiled hamper, damp to the touch. 

Stalking to the shower he nearly wrenched the door off its hinges, angry that someone had the audacity to use his refresher when he saw a shampoo bottle laying in the floor of the refresher and the scent of your flowery shampoo smacked him in the face. He sat down on the floor head dizzy. You’d been here.

Taking a deep breath he looked around, your hair brush still sat on the sink, stray hairs trapped in the bristles. Gathering himself he stood and stalked back to the bedroom, the bed was unmade, the covers thrown back and one pillow laid perpendicular to the others. Picking it up he buried his face in it breathing in your scent. You’d been here. 

He laid down curling on his side, you’d been here and he’d missed you by mere hours. A deep wracking cry escaped his lips and he gave into it. He wasn’t sure how long he cried but when he finally finished he felt sulky and dehydrated. Hauling himself to his feet he staggered to the drink fridge and took out a bottle of water and downed it in three swigs. Head pounding he walked back to the refresher to search for pain medicine. Ren ordered dinner and sat on the edge of the bed until a droid brought it. He picked at it, eating some then yelled and slung it at the wall. Summoning his helmet with the force he stormed out of this quarters to the holo projection room.

The transmission crackled and came to life, “Get me Snoke,” he demanded. A red helmed guard nodded without comment. After several moments Snoke’s image flickered into existence.

“Kylo Ren,” he said with a mildly annoyed tone, “have you completed your objective?”

“I’m tracking the scavenger, she’s joined forces with Skywalker. I have their system, theres only 4 habitable planets. I will find them within the week.” He breathed sharply, “Let me speak with her.”

Snoke smiled cruelly, “She’s enroute to this planet Ren and unreachable for the next several hours, I sense your anger Ren….” Snoke held his hand up, “your misplaced anger.”

“My anger is correctly directed master.” Snoke's expression soured. “We were with in hours of each other, we should have been allowed at least a few moments together.”

“Ren, I am troubled that this is your concern,” the anger in his voice barely contained. “You forget your place boy!”A surge hit Ren and forced him to one knee, “I thought your days of rebellion were behind you.” Snoke hissed, “Do you need a refresher?”

Seething Ren fought to control his breathing, “No master,” hate radiated through him. “I know my place,” the force energy surrounding him lessened and Ren fought the urge to tremble.

“You would infect her with your weakness at this stage,” Snoke snarled, “When she is ready to stand on her own, you will be reunited.”

“Yes master,” Ren said tears were streaming down his cheeks. 

“Sometimes... I don't know why I invest so much energy into you Ren, do not make me regret choosing you. “ The transmission ended abruptly, Ren's scream echoed through the holo projector room. 

It took him a long time to calm down, he sat rooted to the spot trying to filter through his feelings but nothing worked. He missed you, he missed you so much the mere thought of you made his soul ache. It had taken years to move on from the fact that he’d had to leave you. Getting up he wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. 

Over the years he’d taken comfort in the fact you were safely tucked away on Chandrila with your family. He’d even made sure the war never came there, so he could be sure you’d never be affected. In reality you’d almost died on Agamar and then on that damned supply ship. He took three deep breaths and donned his helmet. Things were out of his control and he hated it, he’d known for months now that he should have taken you and ran once you made it to Kessel. Now he had to live with his mistakes and hope there maybe a day he could set things right.  
**A few Weeks Later**  
Three months. It had been three months since you'd seen Ben in anything other than a holoprojection. Since he left you'd only been allowed a few moments to speak to him here and there and always in the presence of Snoke. You'd cycled between sad and angry so many times you were now numb. 

Every day played out the same. Hard core training all morning with whatever knights were not out on mission or with Phamsa until you were nearly dehydrated or ready to pass out. Afternoons were spent doing mental force work with Snoke until your mind ached, very often you stumbled back to your quarters bleeding from your eyes or ears.

Nights were plagued by nightmarish assassins that were often terrifyingly real. Recently you'd taken to beheading them or force choking them tiring of the endless cycle of fear and anxiety. Last’s night's phantom night turned out to be an actual attack.

Your arm still throbbed from the gash he'd left. After a few moments of sparing you ran him through with your new lightsaber. The dark crimson blade lit the room as he spluttered. When the death troopers rushed in you dropped your saber, it was real. Did it even matter?

They took you to Snoke who praised your survival skills, nodding numbly you laid on a palette bed he had made in his room so you could rest safely for the night.Unsurprisingly sleep evaded you as you listened to the wheezing of the supreme leader. You hadn't tried to contact Ben in over a month, Snoke had been furious when found you you were communicating, even the limited sense you were able to. Sighing you rolled over and started meditating, better any rest than none. 

After a few hours he dismissed you promising that the troopers would keep you safe. Donning your helmet you joined Talth for training. The back and forth had become automatic for you, Talth couldn't hold her own against you anymore. “When's the last time you ate with Tok and I?” She asked in a concerned tone.

Shrugging you side stepped her blow and swept her feet out from under her she roared and came back hard, vibro blade slicing wildly, “When's the last time you took that helmet off?” She inquired while viciously trying to disarm you.

“Last night,” you said knocking her weapon out of her hand.

“Around people,” she asked angrily launching a throwing knife at the joint in your armor.

“I took it off in front of the Supreme leader,” you said softly.

“He doesn't count,” she said matter of factly. “He asked about you, you know, I can't lie to him.”

Perking up you asked her, “How is he?”

“Just as miserable as you are but it's hard to tell, Ren has always been like that,” she said thoughtfully.

“It's easier that way,” you replied. “Did you go through the same training?”

”To an extent, but I'm not anymore force sensitive than a normal person so just physical training and conditioning,” she held up a hand signalling her need to rest. “The Supreme Leader nearly killed me when he searched my mine, I didn't even resist. I can't imagine what that must have done to you.” She took a long drink from her cantine, “What do you mean it's easier?”

“We, Ren and I,” you paused for a moment trying too gather your words. “We can hear almost all surface thoughts around us. It's just easier to stay away from people,” it sounded pathetic but it was truth.

“You're eating with us tonight. No helmet,” she said with authority.

“You can't order me to,” you said crouching as she took deep breaths. 

“I'm not, he did,”She said. Scowling from behind the mask you force pushed her hard to the ground.

“We agreed!” She yelled after you as you stormed out, “You broke the rules! No cheating! NO Force!!!!”

“That's your rule,” you growled over your shoulder before heading to the meditation room. Sitting down, you focused on your anger, purifying it, turning it into cold rage. 

After centering your self you sighed in momentary relief, a few moments later you rose to your feet and stretched stretched. Now you headed to your next tourture session, conditioning. There Phamsa pushed you to breaking, you took it and excelled. 

 

“Impressive,” she said cooly, she still hated you but had begun to fall back into a familiar training routine. “The supreme leader will be pleased. I'm not sure how much more I can intensify conditioning. Can you still manipulate the force?” Nodding you picked the weights back up, you'd changed into training clothes and out of your helmet. “Good stack the boxes as you lift, start small then find larger things to lift.”

“The size doesn't matter,” you said while trying to control your heart beat.

Phasma frowned sweat had plastered the platinum blonde hair to her forehead. “What does matter? “ She asked genuinely curious.

“Complexity, living things, Master Skywalker said there should be no difference between a fighter ship or a rock when it came to inanimate objects. The difference is in our minds, Snoke agrees,” you said idly.

“So... you want to lift TIE fighters?” She said skeptically.

“No, I'm just saying there should be no difference in moving a box with the force or a TIE fighter. Vader once pulled a star destroyer from the air with the force.”

She narrowed her eyes, “Levitate the weights.” She'd seen you levitate hundreds of things by now, “if you can.” Without concentrating you lifted the weights. “Now the boxes,” lifting them you raised an eyebrow. “Lift everything in here.” When Phasma herself started to levitate she shouted stop and everything fell. Phasma landed gracefully on her feet. “We're done for now,” she said trying to roll the fear off her shoulders. Bowing you turned to walk toward the locker rooms. “Vel?” 

“Yes Captain Phasma?” 

“You should be proud of what you've accomplished. I’ll be speaking to the Supreme Leader about your progress,” she smiled weakly.

“Thank you Captain,” you paused, “I have something for you,” it came out unbidden. “I've had it for a while…. it's an apology gift.”

She stiffened, “I don't know that this is an appropriate time for this discussion.”

“I understand,” you replied, “thank you for the compliment.” 

“Y/n,” the name made you stiffen, no one had used your real name in three months. “I know you spared his life,” she took a breath and exhaled shakily, “I was harsh on you. Consider yourself forgiven.”

“Thank you captain,” you said and headed for the showers.

Leaning against the wall you let the hot spray work on some of the sore muscles. Peeling off the bacta plaster you grimaced at the deep gash. Training and conditioning had reopened the wound. It would have to be stitched, there would be no way around it. Throwing away the plaster you let the water clean out the wound. Using clean bandaging in the locker area you redressed the wound. After you donned your armor and helmet you headed to the medical center. 

“Good afternoon Vel,” said the medtech, “how can I help you today?”

“I think I need stitches,” he glanced at you with concern.

“Have a seat please, where?” He pulled out gauze and a suture kit. 

“My arm,” you said as you took off the jacket and helmet. You winced, it had really started to ache. After removing the extra layers you noticed bright blood on the bandaging.

“I see, how did this happen?” He unwrapped the bandage slowly.

“Last night, an assassin broke into my quarters,” you grunted when he spread the wound apart to clean it.

“An assassin?” He paled, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, he caught me in the arm with his knife,” he scrutinized the wound.

“It’s a deep cut into the muscle,” he pulled out an injector, “I have to give you antibiotics ma’am.” Nodding you took a deep breath as he injected the antibiotic. “All done, it looks like an infection is starting, better to head it off before it can get bad.” He smiled but you remained neutral. “Stitches with bacta and your self healing abilities should have you healed in just a day or two,” he said casually as he preped the wound for stitching. “Would you like me to numb it ma’am?”

“No thank you,” you said turning your head to watch. Over the last few months he’d tended more and more of your injuries. He was always efficient and gentle but not pandering. “How is Lord Ren?” Ben’s mind trick had held so far and you could ask him without fear it would be passed on.

“He’s physically sound Ma’am, I treated him for some mild injuries a few weeks ago. He took some fire and I dressed a blaster wound.” Nodding you relaxed, “he asked similar questions about you. I told him you’re adapting but that you need more treatment than you allow.”

The medtech’s concern amused you, “I come when I need it,” he finished, quickly covering the wound with bacta, then wrapped it up.

“Try not to use it any more than you have to tonight. In the morning you should be okay to resume training,” he seemed reluctant to let you leave the medcenter. “You’re showing high white blood cell counts,” he said looking at the read out. “Do you have other injuries?”

“Just minor scrapes and bruises, they’ll heal on their own. Thank you,” you said redressing.

“It might be fatigue, how much sleep are you getting a night?”

“Its adequate,” you said, “please pass my greetings on to Kylo Ren.” 

Arriving at your quarters you laid down on the bed meditating focusing on knitting your flesh back together when your comm beeped. “Vel here,” you said. 

“Please report to the landing deck, for welcome party duty.” Sighing you sat up swinging your legs over the edge and trudged towards the door. Halfway to the landing deck you felt it, like a knife slipped from between your ribs and finally could take a deep breath. Ben’s presence caressed you, increasing speed you nearly jogged to the landing deck to take part in the welcome procession. 

After twenty minutes or so you saw the command shuttle sail in through the magnetic locks of the mountain side base. The gang way released, you waited with baited breath as bodies started filing out of the shuttle. Finally he appeared his helm glinting in the harsh deck lighting, he strode forward his gaze locking on you. “Welcome home Kylo Ren,” said Captain Phasma he nodded to various officers and zeroed in on you. 

“Welcome Lord Ren,” you said, your own modulator only slightly distorted your voice.

“Please, come with me Lady Ren,” he said as he extended an arm, taking a breath you looped your own  
through his, once down the hall he looked to you. “I must report to the Supreme Leader first, but he’s asked that you join me.”

“Please, lead the way,” you said keeping an even tone and neutral emotions. You’d imagined the moment he’d emerge from the shuttle hundreds of times. In each one you’d imagined you’d run to him throwing your arms around him lost in abandon. None of it happened. A measured response and calm all that you managed to exhibit. It felt wrong but you couldn’t bring yourself to act differently. Ben glanced at you briefly then continued down the hall. 

Entering the throne room Snoke smiled broadly, “I’m glad to see you Kylo Ren,” you and Ben bowed deeply. “Please stand, I’ve called you back because…” Snoke glanced from you to Ben stretching out the anticipation of the moment, “I believe Vel has completed her training. “ Ben’s breathing hitched almost imperceptibly, “It's time to return to the temple and enter. After this I believe you will be ready to face Skywalker and his apprentice.”

“As you wish Supreme Leader,” you said bowing, “I am strengthened by your training and focus.”

“Vel my dear, you have far exceeded any expectations I could have had for you. Please, rest this evening, you and Ren will leave soon to face your final trial.” Nodding you turned to leave, “You may stay Vel,” he said, “Ren, your observations have you found their final location?”

“Yes Supreme Leader, we can move on them when you deem it necessary.”

“Excellent, return to your quarters and rest, we shall dine together tonight, it shall be a celebration!” Snoke exclaimed.

Nodding you both turned and exited the throne room, once inside your quarters Ben removed his helmet. Taking his cue you removed your own, “You cut your hair,”he said reaching out to stroke it.

“It's less bulky than braiding it under the helm,” Ben smiled his hand coming to your face you stiffened preparing yourself for the contact.

“You’re silent,” he said, “may I?” You nodded and he cupped your face, “I like your helm,” his eyes searched yours. 

“Talth helped me design it, the full face plate is see through. When connected to a zero gee suit it has a full heads up display.”

“I like the solid black, it's very off putting, you’re terrifying, “ he kissed your forehead and wrapped his arms around you. “You stopped reaching out to me,” he said into your hair.

“Snoke found out,” closing your eyes you tried to relax into his arms but couldn’t. Pulling back you broke contact, “He felt it delayed progress. He feels that we undermined his technique.” Frowning Ben sat on the bed.

“Do you want to rest?” Nodding you moved to the closet and started undressing pulling out appropriate sleepwear. “Speak to me Y/N.” He said softly

“I am,” you were conflicted, you knew you were being short but you didn’t have the ability to loosen up.

“You’re locking me out,” you could feel the gentle probe of his mind against yours.

“I need time Ben,” you said without turning to face him.

“I understand,” he crossed to you wrapping his arms around you but you stiffened and tried to shrug off his embrace. Feeling his hurt you closed your eyes, “Y/N,” he said again.

“It's so odd to hear that name, it almost feels like another lifetime.”

“You don't want me to use your name?” Shaking your head you turned, “Do you want me to call you Vel?”

“It… feels right, I don’t feel like Y/N any more,” he looked close to tears.

“Did he harm you V-vel?” Frowning you looked down.

“Don't ask questions already know the answers to Ben,” you wanted to touch him but you felt like you couldn't. Fighting through it, you touched his face, he leaned into the touch, “I missed you.” He pressed his forehead against yours, “I want to be open with you... it's difficult.”

His nose nuzzled against yours, “I know it is, but I'll be with you every step, we'll take it as slow as you need.” His voice shook, “Can I hold you?”

Nodding you fought tears as he wrapped his arms around you, everything ached, he kissed the top of your head. Looking up you gazed at him and it hurt. Everything hurt, “Let's lie down,” he said and you finished getting undressed. He stood clad only sleep pants and you in a shirt and shorts, “here Vel,” he said peeling back the covers he climbed in after you holding you against his bare chest.

The skin to skin contact felt uncomfortable at first, but as his warmth sank through your clothes and chilled skin, you relaxed pressing into him, “Sleep,” he said softly. After he drifted off you slipped out of bed and sank to the floor by the foot to meditate. After some time you heard him calling for you. “Where are you?”

“Down here,” he sat next to you.

“Couldn't you sleep?”

“It's not safe,” he looked confused, “they come when I'm asleep. Sometimes it's real but sometimes it's not.” He noticed the lightsaber in your lap. “You can look at it if you want.”

Picking it up he inspected the pommel and ignition switch. The neck narrowed focusing the blade forward, when ignited red light came through the bleeder and the backsplash which made the base of the blade seem thicker than it really is. “Can I turn it on?”

“Go ahead,” Ben pressed the ignition switch. The dark crimson blade snapped into existence.

“I've never seen one so dark,” he said admiring it he called to his own saber igniting it and comparing the blade colors, “it's still just as brilliant but darker.”

“I think it's something to do with the synthetic crystal. I spent over a week forging it,” motioning to him he handed you the blade. “I concentrated my anger so hard I sweat blood at some point. I think the crystal picked up that determination.” Deactivating it you sat the weapon on your leg.

“How long did you fast?”

“Nearly three weeks, but I took nutrition tablets, no reason to destroy the work we’d done building my strength. It was a mastery over my impulses. It's something that I needed.” His gaze became too much, “If you can't bare to hear the truth, you shouldn't ask Ben,” you replied not meeting his eyes. “You're upset. “

“Of course I’m upset,” he touched your cheek and you tried not to flinch. “He took it too far, you know that he did.”

“He’s done far worse to you,” sighing you looked at him, “besides, if my training is over I answer to you again.”

“Do you think you’re ready to face the Temple?” He didn’t sound sure.

“I’m not sure what more I could do to prepare, we’ll know if I emerge,” looking at him you could feel some emotion form. The urge to touch him became strong, you covered his hand with your own. “Trust in the Supreme Leader’s judgement Ben, he’s helped me overcome my fears.”

“You don’t have the anxiety anymore?” Turning his palm up he interlaced his fingers with yours.

“No it's still there, but I don’t give it power over me... but it catches up every now and then,” you said softly remembering last week when you’d been stuck in the shower for over two hours, “But it's happening less and less. I still have all my issues, I’ve just learned to master my mind. I no longer act on impulse.”

“Come on, let's get back in bed,” he said sighing. 

“Go ahead,” you said, “I’m going to meditate a while longer. We’ll need to start preparing for dinner soon.”

“Why don’t you want to rest?” He squeezed your hand affectionately.

“Meditating is rest,” releasing his hand you curled your arms into your lap, “go and rest, I’m sure you’re still fatigued from your journey.” Frowning he stood and started to get back into bed.

“I know what you're going through,” he said measuring his words and tone carefully, “You can speak to me, I’m here I’ll listen and I’ll wait for as long as you need.”

Pain welled deep within you, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to speak to Ben. You wanted to desperately, it just wasn’t possible. “Thank you,” it was all you could manage. Opposing urges to fling yourself into his arms and to leave the room warred with in yourself. “How painful was it to have me come back into your life?”

Shifting he considered your question, “Excruciating, but you broke down my walls. We’ll do it together Ve-”

“Not until after we complete our mission,” you said matter of factly, “to be of any use I have to remain this way.” Standing you faced him, “There’s always a price when you accept the darkness.” His jaw clenched, “I’m going to start getting ready.”

Feeling his anger flash you opened the closet door to find something appropriate, not many times were you called to the large dining room with everyone else. Snoke seemed to understand the need for solace after dealing with the intense training and near torture you experienced everyday. Ben paced the room, “I don’t like what he’s done to you.”

Turning you felt your own anger activate like fire through yourself, “You had need of an apprentice, the force supplied it.” His own words leveled at him seemed to wound him, “All of the horrible things you were going to have to do to me? Do you remember those words?”

He seethed, “Of course I do.”

Squaring your shoulders you stalked up to him, “You were going to do the exact same things to me. Are you mad because he did them or because you were unable to use me as you planned?”

You felt it before it happened and sidestepped the force push he directed at you, reversing it on him you pushed him against the wall. “This was always the outcome Ben, you said it yourself. I was never meant to be a Jedi. We were destined for this.” Loosening your grip on him you released some of your anger, “Sentiment is dangerous… I’ve learned how to control mine. Have you?”

Stalking past you Ben left the quarters, you could feel his tantrum as he destroyed the hallway. For three months you’d dreamed of this day. Imagined every detail, planned out how you’d welcome him back. It was not supposed to be a flaming disaster spinning of control. Breathing deeply you sank back into meditation redirecting the anger and sadness into cold rage. Shifting. Realigning. Control.

Calm once more you stood to dress for dinner, choosing a high necked three quarter length sleeved gown to hide your stitches and bruising from training. A sheer panel down the back showed off your muscle tone. Finishing your makeup and pinning your hair in place you attached your lightsaber to the belt on the dress. Ben reentered the quarters.

“Stunning,” he said breaking the silence of the room. “Every time I see you like this it takes my breath away.” He bowed when you turned to him, “I’m sorry,” his cheeks were wet and ruddy. “I expected to find you the way I left you,” he closed his eyes, “I respect everything you’ve achieved and what you’ve become.”

“I’m sorry I lost my temper,” you said evenly, “ without you,” you started to say what you really felt but it refused to come out. “Our bond…” It was almost painful to open yourself even a small amount, “we’re irrevocably bonded.” He nodded as you stepped closer his arms circled your waist, “too much has happened. I can’t be-” He kissed you at first it was just his lips pressed against yours allowing you to adjust, he pulled you tightly against himself and parted his lips letting you take the lead if you wanted it. Tentatively you flicked your tongue against his lips tasting him before he pulled back.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Shaking your head you pressed your cheek against his chest willing yourself to relax but you stood obstinately unfeeling.

“You’d better get ready,” it was all you could manage.

“Okay,” he said placing a tender kiss against your forehead. “It won’t take me long.”

Emerging in a towel he quickly dressed, you sat on the bed watching him, his muscles moving under the skin, you thought about how much you wanted to tackle him and tell him. How much you missed him. How much you wanted him but instead you stayed rooted on the bed. “You know,” he said pulling on pants tucking his crisp white dress shirt, the angular neck hanging open the flap left unbuttoned. You loved him like this, nearly disheveled smelling of soap. It hurt, it hurt to look at him. “That’s the first time you’ve let down your guard enough to let me hear you,” he turned as you looked up at him through your darkened lashes. He donned a black cape with silver fastenings. He offered his hand and you took it pulling yourself up, “We’ll find a way, I promise,” he said as you looped your arm through his. “Let's enjoy your celebration.”

Sitting to the right of the Supreme Leader you scanned the room aware of everyone’s actions, feeling his gaze you turned to the Supreme Leader, “My dear you look gorgeous as always,” he covered your hand with his own wasted one. “Our time of training is at an end Vel, I find I will miss our daily sessions, although we both know rest is needed.”

“Yes Supreme Leader,” his touch still put you on edge.

“Spend time meditating this evening, directing yourself, you’re ready for the temple, and you’re ready to take down skywalker. Together, I believe he and the scavenger will be no match.”

“Do you want them taken prisoner, Master?”

“No, they must be eliminated,” you could feel Ben’s eyes snap to you watching your reaction. A few moments passed as you let it sink in. He expected you to kill them.

“I understand,” you replied. Snoke’s ruined face smiled grotesquely before lifting your hand and kissing it's back.

“Excellent,” he turned to Ben. “With her training complete, I turn her over to you Master of the Knights of Ren. Is it your wish that she be called Lady Ren?”

“It is,” he said, “I wish her to be my equal Supreme Leader.” Snoke nodded and cleared his throat. Others at attendance including General Hux and the leadership of the first order switched their attention.

“My children, I would like to present Y/N, from now on she is Lady Vel’Pua Ren, consort of Lord Ren, Lady of the Knights of Ren.”

Everyone applauded, Admiral Resdox bowed his head in respect to you. Captain Phasma raised her glass and the officers soon followed in toast to you. It felt surreal, the highest form of collected evil sat before you paying you respect. Bowing your head you then raised your glass to join the toast and took a sip. The party continued a few murmurs came up the table about you; surprise, excitement, and unease. How powerful were you that the Supreme Leader allowed you to be consort to Ren?

After dinner the party moved to a small ball room where a quartet began playing, to your amazement Ben pulled you onto the dance floor, guiding you through the movements, “I don't know this dance,” you said concentrating on following him.

“It’s simple,” he said as you twirled around, “don’t worry about what they think or say. Be here with me,” His lips grazed yours setting your cheeks aflame. He’d not kissed you in public before. “Don’t be ashamed, we’re announced,” he smiled playfully. “He won’t chastise us,” you’d stopped dancing you were standing off in a corner he tilted your chin up and kissed you lightly, not testing your limits.

“Will he separate us again?” He closed his eyes leaning back against the wall.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly, “there’s no reason to,” his fingers brushed your neck and over your collarbone. 

The thought of being apart sent pain through your chest and you pressed forward against him wrapping your arms tightly around him squeezing him stifling a sob that threatened to break through. “Shh, shh,” he said comforting you, “it's okay,” he kissed the top of your head.

Taking deep breath you raised your head, “I'm sorry,” swallowing you said, “I'm still working on impulses like that, sometimes they're overwhelming.”

He brushed his thumb under your eye wiping away a tear, “I know,” he kissed your forehead. “I think from now on we'll be working as as team.” He smiled, “Want to dance some more?”

Nodding he took your hand and led you back to the dance floor, “This is the first time we've ever been a public couple,” you said your breath catching.

He smirked, “Who’s being sentimental now?”

“Very funny Solo,” he grinned and kissed your knuckles. The music changed, “I know this one,” you said trying not to show your excitement.

“I requested it for you,” smiling you began sailing around the dance floor with him. By the end of the celebration you were worn out. Feet aching and sweaty all over while adept at martial arts it had been years since you’d danced for hours.

Nearly every First Order officer in attendance congratulated you and made an offering of some small gift or trinket. Admiral Resdox gave you a small silver charm of an agamarian beast. It made your heart ache but you accepted it with an appropriate response. He didn't try to pull you in for a hug in this crowded space. After being dismissed by the Supreme leader you followed Ben down a winding hallway. “Where are we going?”

Smiling he whispered, “It's a surprise,” he opened an ornately carved door revealing a lavish suite. It had a large balcony with a view of the mountains in the distance, the room had a large quartz tub set in the middle big enough for several people. Your heels clicked on on the marble floor as you walked around taking it in. “Do you like it?” He asked leaning against the door frame.

Turning you regarded him, flushed, happy and glowing, “It’s gorgeous,” you said fingering the heavy velvet curtain hanging from the bed. “I had no idea rooms like this existed here,” walking out onto the balcony you admired the white granite and the breathtaking view of the mountains. 

“Luxury like this shouldn't’ be squandered in the everyday,” smiling you nodded.

“Is this all because my training is over?” You asked leaning over the banister looking down at the drop from the balcony.

“That’s part of it,” he came up beside you his hand resting on your hip, you turned facing him. “The other is that he announced us,” he closed the distance between you making your breath quicken. “He’s given it to us for the next few days for rest and,” he thread his fingers through yours, “and so that we can reconnect.”

Blushing hotly you looked at him, “Ben,” you started but he kissed you tenderly.

“We have time, don’t think about it,” he said at a whisper, “we’ll figure it out.” He pulled you into his arms, “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” He said after you stiffened. His eyes searched yours.

Pressing your face against his shoulder you sighed, trying to drop your barriers you caressed his mind, “I’m trying,” you said.

“I know you are,” he nuzzled your hair, “do you want to take a bath with me?”

Looking up through your lashes you nodded, “Yes,” he kissed your forehead.

“I’ll start it, go ahead,” he motioned to the bathroom, “You’ll find some robes and towels in there, change out of your dress and bring me a robe.” Nodding you headed to the bathroom and shed your dress and underwear. Clenching your jaw you looked at your reflection in the mirror. The woman looking back at you didn’t resemble anyone you knew. Looking at the bandage on your arm you sighed, it would only raise questions that neither of you really wanted to discuss. Slipping the robe on you gathered up the towels and the other robe.

Looking into the room you saw Ben’s clothes laying over a chair, walking to it you laid the robe and towels on it, “Ben?” You asked looking around. 

“Out here,” he said, you found him clad in his underwear on the balcony, he turned to you and handed you a champagne flute.

Accepting it you took a sip, “It’s sweet,” you murmured. Grinning you took another sip, “you don’t forget anything do you?”

“I try not to forget anything about you,” he brushed a piece of hair behind your ear. “It’s curlier like this,” he said smiling. “Who cut it for you?”

“Talth did,” you said enjoying his light touch.

“I like it,” he smiled sadly. The awkwardness between you felt like a wedge, you could feel your chest tighten. Closing your eyes you took a deep breath and sought balance releasing your emotions. “Are you okay? We don’t have-” you pressed two fingers to his lips.

“I’m okay Ben,” reaching up you caressed his face and pulled him in for a small kiss. He held still letting you take the lead. Peppering his lips with small kisses you let your fingers trail down his chest and over his arms. Angling your mouth you deepened the kiss. He released a small grunt as his arms circled you. He began to speak again but you took the opportunity to slip your tongue into his mouth testing the waters. His grip on you tightened closing your eyes you let yourself melt into his arms.

Bracing yourself you pressed closer, determined to show him how much you missed him with your kiss, his breath shortened as you brushed your tongue against the roof of his mouth, “Should we stop?” He asked breathless, “I don’t want to push you farther than you’re comfortable with,” opening your eyes you looked up at him.

“Let's get in the tub,” you said quietly, he looked unsure, “do you want another glass of champagne?”

Hugging you tightly he swiped the bottle and poured you each another glass, “Why is this so hard?” He asked a tear escaping his eye.

“I don’t know,” you said looking down at your own glass, “but no matter what happens, I love you Ben.” Looking up you gazed into his eyes, “I may have changed, but that never will.” Taking his hand you led him to the large tub. Sliding off his underwear he stepped in and slowly lowered his large frame into the steaming water. Sighing contentedly he opened his eyes and extended his hand to you. Turning you removed you your robe keeping your back to him stepping in you took his hand and lowered yourself into the waters hissing as you relaxed against him. It felt nice and it felt safe, closing your eyes you laid your head back against his shoulder. 

“You are safe,” he whispered against your ear, “and I love you too,” the dam broke and tears started streaming from your eyes, he turned you until you were facing him. Laying your face against his chest you cried. You couldn’t help it but your emotions bottomed out and all you could think of was that he left you here to go through it alone. “I know,” he said his voice shaking and you cried harder. “I’m here now,” you could feel his regret.

“I’m sorry,” you said raising your head, “I didn’t mean to-” he kissed you .

“Shhh,” he said stroking your face, “ you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he kissed your temple, “I told you I’d be with you every step and then I wasn’t.”

“It wasn't your fault,” you said, “you didn’t have a choice.”

You couldn’t tell if it was the warm water or his arms around you but you felt yourself soften towards him, “It wasn’t your fault. I know you would have never left if you’d had the choice,” he kissed you harder than you expected teeth almost clacking. Breathing hard you kissed him back letting go of your inhibitions. Ben held your shoulders pushing you back for a moment to catch a breath. He smiled, “You’re incredible, you know,” he kissed your shoulder, “but I meant what I said, I’ll wait as long as you need.”

“I know you will,” you pushed his damp hair back as the steam curled around his face, “but I want this,” you kissed his chin, “I want you.” He moaned softly as you moved down his neck nipping gently. “I don’t want there to be this space between us,”

“Neither do I,” he pressed his forehead against yours. 

“It hurts to much Ben,” He nodded as you kissed his lips tenderly, “I can’t be around you and not have you, but it hurts to open myself to you,” his touch both comforted and stung. “Unfortunately you know exactly how that feels.” He nodded again, “Our bond, it irrevocable, it can’t be dismissed, even Snoke knows it can’t be broken.” Ben’s face turned serious, “Once he sees the difference... when I’m with you, how we both are... When we’re separated you’re destructive and prone to instability. When we’re together you’re focused and shrewd.” HIs hand slid up your back pressing you closer. “Without you I’m hollow, I feel nothing,” you swallowed, “he can fill me with whatever he wants but it's still the same.” His hand moved around to you right breast, his thumb brushing over the painful barely healed marks there, his eyes looked to yours concerned,”Punishment, praise, denial, it's all the same. I may have learned focus but it's all meaningless.”

His focus stayed on the marks,” I’ve never seen anything like this.” He said his fingers pressed against them making you wince. “They’re painful?” Nodding you shifted and Ben moved his hand away from the scabs spanning from your shoulder across you right breast. “How?”

“It was a punishment,” he traced beside one of the longer marks following its branching across your skin. You knew that's not what he wanted to hear, “It taught me not to question,” he frowned.

“Why isn’t it healed? The med tech has been here almost continuously since I sent him to you.”

“I’m not allowed to seek help for it, a punishment won’t mean anything if it's cured immediately.” You could tell you were scaring him, “I’m okay Ben. It’s just going to take time to heal.” 

“It has to be excruciating to move your arm,” his hand rested below your breast.

“The pain helps me focus,” his gaze turned to the bacta plaster on your opposite arm, “that’s just a knife wound, it should be better by tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry I pulled you into this,” he looked down.

Lifting his face to yours you smiled sadly, “Don’t be, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, I have control over my fears and,” your smile widened, “I know my worth.”

“You’re so different,” he said his hand sliding to your wrist his thumb stroking the leather bracelet there, “do you regret loving me?”

“No,” you said surprising him, “even in my darkest hours. I could never regret loving you.” He kissed you, “that doesn’t mean I haven’t been angry or wished to hit you myself.” He chuckled, “But I’ll never regret loving you, no matter what.”

“Thank you,” he said you drew his lower lip between your own.

“This,” you said kissing him deeper and pulling back, “Is what kept me going. Thinking of you, your touch, just like you said.” He smiled, “It’s odd, as much as I craved your touch, now that you’re here it's difficult .”

“It’s okay,” he poured some water over your shoulder with his hand. “I felt some of the same things when you came back. You just have to remember no matter what I love you too.” Relaxing you smiled and laid against him, he poured more water over your back. His warm fingers started massaging your flesh working out the knots and aches. “I dreamed about you,” he whispered, “whenever I missed you I dreamed about holding you.”

Feeling your eyes get heavy you started to push yourself up, “No,” he said softly, “you can relax, I told you, you’re safe. You can sleep baby,” he kissed your temple.

“I can’t,” you said softly, “It's not over, not yet.”

“What’s not over?”

“I haven’t killed one in hate yet,” you said sitting up. The moment you said it you regretted it.

“Killed one what yet?” He looked concerned.

“Assassins, they come at night. I stopped sleeping because they get the upper hand when I do,” you could feel his anger surface again. “It’s not worth it Ben, he sends them to teach me.”

“I know the lesson,” he looked down at you. “Have you killed one yet?

“I’ve killed at least 6, I’m not sure if there’s more or not,” you took a breath, “it's hard to say if the others were real or not.” He squeezed your arm, “It's because I’m numb, the first time I felt real anger is earlier when I got mad at you. Now that you’re here, I’m sure he’ll send them again. It’s almost guaranteed that I’ll be capable of hatred especially if they try to harm you.”

“You can sleep, I’ll wake you if they come,” he said, “we’ll deal with them together.”

“If they hurt you because he's testing me I don't know what I'll do,” you said darkly. 

“They won't hurt me,” he grinned smugly, “I'm Kylo Ren.”

The first time in months you laughed, once out you couldn't stop it. Finally dying down when your ribs started aching you relaxed back against him, “That's the funniest thing I think you've ever said,” he kissed the top of your head.

“You're really a jerk sometimes,” but you could feel his smile. “Wanna get out? You could use a real rub down, are you not letting the med tech or the MD droids take care of the muscle aches,” you shook your head. He sighed, “Come on, I never thought you'd be more difficult to deal with than me.” Standing you both reached for the towels and slipped into robes.

“Go lay down on the bed,” he said giving your rear a small smack, “I’ll get some massage oil.”

Feeling warm all over you spread your towel out in the bed and laid down, Ben crawled up the bed behind you and kissed your shoulder, “I'm going to start up here and work my way down, okay?”

“Sure,” you said warm and content, “I'm going to give you one later.”

“Deal,” he said. Hearing the cap click you braced yourself for cold oil but he warmed it in his hands.

“Have some faith,” he chuckled, “I only did that once,” his hands glided over your back leaving a trail of fragrant oil down your back.

“Mmmm,” you groaned as he rubbed a sore spot out of your upper back, “that smells wonderful,” you said melting into the bed.

“It's lavender and rose,” he said smoothing his thumbs down your spine, “your back is a mess baby,” he dug his fingers in making you wince. “I'm sorry,” he said rubbing a little more gently.

“Don't stop,” you said gripping the pillow, “that's been bothering me for a week or more.” He applied pressure again you grunted and you heard one of your vertebrae pop you sighed. “Ooo,” you said, “that's much better.”

He applied pressure to your hip making it pop loudly, “That should be better,” you nodded dreamily, “okay I'm going to start massaging now.” 

You weren't sure when it ended but you felt Ben pull a cover over you as he snuggled in close, “Sleep baby, you've earned it.” Sighing you fell into a deep sleep, safe in his arms.


	22. Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as things seem to get better they suddenly get much worse.

Chapter 21

Slowly opening your eyes you sighed, the soft bed beneath you felt heavenly. Feeling the early morning chill you pulled he covers up around your chin when you heard Ben groan in his sleep. Rolling over you looked a him, your heart jumped. Had he always been this beautiful? His eyes fluttered open.

“Morning,” he said stretching.

“Morning,” you murmured, he shivered as goose flesh pebbled his skin. “Cold?” He nodded, you scooted closer and pulled the duvet up over his shoulders. “Better?”

“Definitely,” he said as his fingers trailed down your back, his hands splayed over the curve of your bottom, “is this okay?”

Groaning you nodded and buried your face in his neck, “Mmmhmmm,” you mumbled. He chuckled softly. “More,” you whispered next to his ear. Tilting your face up he kissed you tenderly, you frowned, “more,” you said with more conviction. Ben pressed against you firmly and deepened his kiss while he squeezed your rear.

“Like that?” He questioned. 

“Exactly like that,” you said breathily.

Growling, Ben rolled on top of you, “Like this?”

Pulling him down for a hard kiss you whimpered out a pitiful, “Yes.”

He paused, “Are you okay?” He asked suddenly serious, he tucked a lock of.hair behind your ear.”

“I want you,” you said softly, “I want this.”

“If you tell me to stop,” he pause for breath when you kissed his Adam’s Apple. “I will,” he looked down at you, “I promise.”

Wrapping your legs around his hips you whispered, “I don't want you to stop.” 

Much later you awoke alone, “Ben?” You called swinging your feet over the side of the bed you spotted a silk robe. Slipping it on you sighed at the decadence. Padding across the marble you searched for him, “Ben?” You called a little louder cinching the belt of the robe.

“Out here,” he called from the balcony, “I ordered breakfast.” He said grinning at you, “How do you feel?” 

“Nearly hung over, what time is it?” You asked sitting down and reaching for caf, your arm twinged painfully. He slid the sugar bowl to you as you poured in a hefty amount of blue milk. 

“Late afternoon,” he took a bite of toast. “I don't think I've slept this long in years,” he squeezed your hand. You poured a glass of water and drank it down.

“This looks delicious,” you said piling your plate full of steak, eggs, and toast covering it all with a spicy green sauce you dug in, Ben smirked.

“Hungry? “ He asked amused.

“Starving, but I'm always hungry these days, working out 8 hours a day will really increase your appetite,” you grinned before attacking you food again.

“It will get better once we're on missions, there will be more down time and your appetite will slack off,” he seemed content to just watch you as you finished. 

“I hope so, Phasma or the Supreme Leader usually works me hard enough that I throw up most of what I've eaten before I go to bed every night... and by then I'm so nauseous I don't want to eat again.” You said before sipping the caf, just the thought made your stomach queasy. “How long til we're hunting down the Jedi?”

He seemed a little thrown by the question, “Less than a week I'd imagine,” he said, “how are you going to handle that? “ 

“I'll do as I'm told,” you replied, “I've learned that much in my time here.”

He looked at you incredulously, “You'd kill Luke or Rey?”

“It's not my first choice, “ you said honestly, “but he said eliminated… Any options where we don't kill them?” You asked looking for his input.

“I'm just shocked that you're willing to do it,” he frowned.

“I'm not willing Ben, honestly if the temple doesn't kill me I hope one of them does.” He looked sheet white, “What?”

“You can't talk like that,” he said his hand reaching for yours.

“I'm not saying I'll lay down and die, it would be a fair fight, but I'd much rather be killed by one of them than live with knowing I killed either. More Master Luke than Rey, but she's powerful and strong, I'd hate to destroy her.”

Ben looked down at his plate, “I’ll do it then, just be my backup.”

“Do you know their location, “ he nodded as he released your hand and picked his toast back up.   
“More or less, I tracked them to a system that only has one planet capable of life, I doubt they'd be able to train effectively without breathable air, exposure suits and lightsabers don't mix well.”

“Did you get any close recon?” He shook his head.

“Afraid of tipping them off, but we did track the Falcon when it visited the planet,” you nodded.

“Chewie you think? “ 

“Yeah, I can't imagine him trusting anyone with the Falcon… “ His frown deepened. “It's really happening isn't it?”

“Afraid so,” you said staying even, not letting your emotions raise. “I don't think you should be the one to kill Luke,” he looked up. “You take Rey, “ you looked down his gaze becoming too much.

You could feel his indecision building and his heart starting to hammer, “Maybe it's time-” His comm link interrupted the thought. Snoke requested both of your presences for a pressing matter. 

Before he could utter another word you pressed your fingers to his lips, “Don't forget where we are before you finish that thought,” his jaw clenched hard, leaning forward you replaced your fingers with a tender kiss. “Better get dressed,” you said before standing and finding your clothes from the night before. 

“Shouldn't we change into something different? “ He asked. 

“He knows where we are,” you said slipping your dress back on and zipping it with the force. “Come on before we anger him.” Ben grunted and started getting dressed.

 

Soon after you entered the throne room, a light sweat broke out on your skin as you went down on your knees at the steps to the dais. Ben knelt beside you. “Rise children,” he had a look of mischief about him. “Did you see your bed last night?”

“We stayed in the suite you graciously bestowed upon us Master,” you said not looking up. “Forgive us we have not yet been to our quarters to retrieve clean clothing.” 

He chuckled, “This late in the afternoon?”

Ben blushed scarlet, “ We slept late Supreme Leader, how may we serve you?”

Snoke smirked, “I just wanted to check on you,” he cleared his throat, “and also to discuss your trip back to the temple . Captain Phasma and a small group of stormtroopers will escort you.”

“Did they review our reports, Master?” You asked reverently. 

“Extra care will be needed,” Ben stated, “the energy pulse from the temple will kill most ships, all of the shields have to be up.”

“I believe she’s been scrutinizing the information you’ve provided,” he grinned reaching out for your hand. Centering yourself you allowed him to take it. “How did you sleep Vel?”

“Very well Master,” you said softly.

“I’m pleased to hear it, you’ve worried me. How are you feeling?” 

Closing your eyes you searched your feelings.“I’m adjusting Master,” his brow raised.

“Adjusting? I thought having your Kylo Ren back would surely make you more comfortable,” the Supreme Leader watched you closely.

“I’m overjoyed to have Ren back, I don’t function properly without him,” you said looking at Ben, “I never have. It's been difficult, I admit it. I’m not quite the same person he left with you.” Ben’s hand rested on your shoulder, “But we’re working on it.”

“I see,” Snoke said, “I’ll admit myself, you seem better, not as sullen my dear,” he kissed your hand before releasing it. “When the knights found you in the shower last week I had worried that you were breaking on me.”

“Found?” Ben asked, his voice almost angry.

“Yes, we nearly had to treat her for hypothermia,” Snoke seemed to enjoy making things more difficult for you. “We kept her in the medical ward overnight. Vel, didn't they have to sedate you?”

“Yes they did Supreme Leader, the medtech said it was extreme exhaustion.”

“I see,” said Ben his anger starting to escalate. “Did you give her time to rest Master?”

“She stayed overnight in the medbay and assured me she was ready to continue.” Clearing his throat the supreme leader called to several of the knights, “She's bested every Knight and none can stand against her now. I'd say the results outweigh the cost.”

Ben looked like he was going to say something but he paused, “Are all of the Knights assembled?”

“Your remaining knights yes,” the supreme leader said.

Looking down you tried not to let the guilt or shame show, “Three of your knights have fallen by my hand.” 

“Well done,” he said turning to his knights he bowed to them. “She is now the mistress of the knights of Ren.” The gathered knights went down to one knee and laid their weapons in front of you. Bowing you accepted the gesture. 

“Rise children,” the Snoke said coolly, “much work and sacrifice lays before us. Your Lady will enter the temple. Then she and Ren will lead you against Skywalker and the resistance.”

The Knights cheered in unison, darkness seemed to swell in the room it's pull was almost too strong, scowling you nodded trying to keep an internal balance. It tuned your stomach, odd that you could still have that reaction to the darkness you, idle thoughts flitted through your head. Lost in thought you hadn't noticed when someone asked you a question. 

“Vel?” Ben asked.

“Yes?” 

“We're excused,” he said his scowl still prominent. “Let's go.” His words were clipped he turned and stomped out of the room. Following you tried to keep up but after a short while you became dizzy.

“I think I need to go to the med ward,” you said Ben slowed.

“Are you sick?”

“My arm is throbbing and I'm dizzy,” you panted, “and I feel like I'm going to throw up.” 

“Can you walk?” Nodding you let him take some of your weight. Making it to the medway slowly you were exhausted. 

“Lady Ren,” the medtech said wide eyed, “please sit down.” Before you'd even made it to the chair he had a scanner in his hand and passing it over your body. His face fell, “I'm afraid the small infection is now major.” He pulled out a hover bed out of its slot in the wall, “Please lord Ren can you place her on it.”

“I can do it,” you said standing and then shifted to the hover bed. Ben moved your legs onto it. 

“Can you remove your sleeves?” The tech asked and you grunted trying to get yourself into position Ben motioned for you to stop.

“Will you ever wear it again? “

“Probably not but I kind of-” Ben ripped the left sleeve open from wrist to shoulder. “Like this one… Thanks.” You said sourly and laid back.

After removing the bandaging the medtech made a face, “Ma’am this is much worse than I thought, we need to drain it and you need an antibiotic.”

“I think you're overreacting,” you said trying to sit up but the nausea was too much. Ben pressed his hand against your chest pushing you back down.

“You haven't seen it Vel,” Ben frowned, “it's bad. Let him take care of you.” Moving to your other side Ben sat down on a chair and held your hand. “Let him give you something for the pain.”

“No,” you said gritting your teeth as the medtech started removing the stitches he'd put in the day before. 

“It's just me baby,” he said at your ear his closeness should be comforting but you wanted to shove him away and pull the med techs spine out of his body. Snickering Ben kissed your temple, “let him give you something.” Shaking your head he conceded kissing your knuckles as you hissed in pain.

“I'm going to start you on an IV drip,” said the tech gently, “in about an hour it should be finished, try to relax.” 

“I'll get right on that,” you said grunting as you turned to face Ben.

“What can I do?” Ben asked stroking your cheek.

“I don't think there is anything you can do,” he squeezed your fingers. 

“Let me try?” He asked. Nodding you shifted backwards and he got into the narrow bed with you. Pressing against his chest you did your best to relax as he kissed the top of your head. “You have a fever,” he said quietly. He called to the medtech who explained that it wasn't high enough to require intervention yet, but that you should be monitored.  
Ben tucked your head under his chin, “rest baby.” 

Pressing your face against his chest you relaxed and sleep soon over took you.

Nuzzling in sleep found you but it was anything but restful nightmare plagued you of the medtech amputating your arm you fought him but he won. Blood soaked the dream blurred into the temple. You couldn’t get past the guardian, fighting for hours he overpowered you. In a last ditch attempt you swung hard at his head but he severed your arm sending a burning sensation through your body, you threw him against the flames screaming in pain. “Baby,” you heard Ben’s voice, “wake up, wake up, it's just a nightmare.”

Whimpering you opened your eyes, “Where am I?” You asked coughing against the tears gasping for breath.

“You’re here with me,” he kissed your forehead, “shh,” he brushed the sweat plastered hair away from your forehead.

Shaking you sobbed, “Did he take my arm?” 

“No sweetheart, it's here, look.” He stretched out your arm. “You’re fever has broken,” he trailed his fingers along your arm. “How do you feel?”

“Better I think,” you rasped, “I’m so thirsty.” You said softly while wiggling your fingers.

“I’ll get some water,” he slipped carefully out of bed and got you a glass of water from the tap. Drinking it down quickly you felt ill.

“Correction I feel terrible,” you said sitting up, “how long was I out?”

“Just a few hours,” he looked at the machines the medtech had hooked up. “Temp is normal, heart is fast, but that's probably from the nightmare.” He caressed your face, “Antibiotics are done. He said he’d return to discharge you when they finished.” Ben pressed the call button at your beside.

Moving quickly the medtech came back, “All done, how do you feel?”

“Nauseous but better I suppose, my arm is only throbbing instead of stabbing.”

“That's an improvement,” said the medtech thoughtfully, “your lab results are still strange… Blood count is up, midichlorian count is up,” he shook his head, “I don't know what to make of it, I’ve never seen readouts like this.”

Ben squeezed your hand worry written all over his face, “What does it mean?” 

The med tech shook his head, “I don’t know sir, I’ll look into it. I suggest you rest for a few more days my lady then depending on how she feels or amount of exhaustion we’ll go from there.”

“I’m fine,” you said standing by the bedside, “by tomorrow I’ll be fine.” 

“My lady, “ the medtech said, “I’d feel much better if you’d stay here where I can monitor you. The infection is resisting most of the treatments I’ve given it.”

“I’ll contact the death troopers to see if they still have the blade I was attacked with perhaps it had a toxin on it?”

Nodding the metech agreed he may be able to analyze it. “You’re not staying here are you ma’am?”

“No, no I’m not. I feel safer with Kylo Ren in my weakened state,” accepting defeat the medtech went to gather medicine he thought would help. 

Back in the suite Ben paced back and forth, “You should have stayed in med bay, he doesn’t even know what all is wrong with you.” He stared you down, “Your mental state is shaky at best, you’ve killed so many people,” he shook his head. “I don’t know what I expected to find when I came back but it wasn't this.” His anger washed over you, “What happened when they found you in the shower?”

“It was like on the ship, I’d let it build up. “ You sniffled, “I told you my fears aren’t gone, I’ve just mastered them.”

“That doesn’t sound like mastering your fears, it sounds like you've learned to ignore them until you reach a breaking point.” He turned to you his face a little softer but still angry, “Has he allowed you to see a therapist?”

“He offered but I declined, there’s too much Ben, I can’t unpackage it, not here, not with an Order doctor.” You sighed, “I’m okay Ben, I promise, I have it under control.”

He scoffed, “Sure you do,” he said sitting next to you.

“What did you expect to find Ben? You left me here in a den of vipers, I had to adapt.”

“You act like I had a choice in the matter.” He narrowed his eyes at you.

“We all have choices Ben. I’d just like to be your first choice once in awhile,” you said angrily. Ben looked like you’d slapped him.

“You’re not my first choice? Everything I’ve done since you walked on to that ship has been for you,” he seethed. “We were done, you’d said it enough. You came to kill me. YOU chose not to. You couldn’t handle the lifestyle. YOU Made me wipe your memories. YOU asked me to leave you.”

“No I didn’t Ben,” your eyes burned. “I asked you to kill me.”

He paused, “What?”

“We found those memories, I asked you to kill me, to wipe me from the galaxy. You decided to wipe my memory instead. Was it because you loved me? Or was it because you just wanted one person to remember you fondly? I wasted a decade of my life pining after you. “

Ben’s mouth flapped open and closed, he stood and walked out of the room. Calmly you laid down and went to sleep. Later you woke alone, Ben’s side hadn’t been touched. Shrugging you showered and dressed heading to the gym. 

“Go back to your quarters Vel,” Tok said gently. “You’re on bedrest per the Supreme Leader. 

“I want to talk to him,” you said evenly.

“He’s in a bad way Babe,” Tok said touching your shoulder, “I’ve never see him this bad. I dunno what you said to him but give him some space.”

“That’s not how you handle him,” you said softly as you ignited your saber, “Don’t let anyone else in.” Tok nodded pulling the doors closed.

“Get out Y/N,” Ben said, you could feel the anger radiating off of him.

“Fight me,” you said as you took position.

“No,” he stood straight squaring his shoulders, “You’re sick, you need to go rest.”

“No,” you answered, “I want to fight you.”

“You’ll lose and I’ll hurt you,” he said trying to control his anger.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” you said throwing another barb at him.

His eyes flashed dangerously, “LEAVE!” He shouted angrily.

“Not until one of us give up, or gets burned.” You said fixing him with a stare. “I’m not backing down Solo.”

“Fine,” he ignited his saber and ran at you. The blades hissed at contact you spared around the room. After what felt like hours he burned you on the thigh. Finally lowering your sabers he glowered at you. “He twisted it,” he finally said. “You asked me to kill you,” he picked up his canteen and downed half then handed it to you. “Y/N,” he said tears almost falling, “and I told you that I couldn’t. Then you told me to erase me from your memories, take it all way. So I took away the bad times…” He sat down defeated, “But there were some things… like our wedding night, growing up together… I couldn’t erase those. They shaped us, they made us who we were.” He looked up at you. “You did ask me to leave you with your parents. You wanted everything to do with me gone but I couldn’t.” He looked down, “You’re right to be angry with me, but he twisted it. I can feel it. He’s done things to your memories,” he stood crossing to you, “believe me when I say it.”

“I was in pain and upset,” you said softly, “I said those things out of anger. He started this fight,” you looked down at the floor.

“You’ve obviously been feeling them for a while,” he looked up at you, “Is this what caused the distance between us?”

“No,” you said looking down at the floor, “Believe it or not, that was endearing to me, that you couldn’t kill me.”

Ben stood and walked towards you, “Then what is it?”

“What made you distant Ben?” He looked at his feet, “He hurt me over and over, he’s pushed me to the edge of my sanity. He’s scrambled parts of my brain so much that at times I don’t know what's real.” You looked up at him, “That's what makes me distance myself because if I let down my guard there isn’t anything left to protect me.” Tears started falling, Ben’s arms wrapped around you.

“I’ll protect you,” he said softly into your hair.

“From him? You can’t Ben,” you sobbed harder, “no one can.” Ben stayed silent for a long time just holding you.

“I’m so sorry baby,” you felt the pain radiate from his chest. “Come on, let’s go to our quarters,” he said taking your hand. Nodding mutely you followed him once back in the quarters he peeled back the covers and the two of you crawled in, defeated you clutched him. “Let it out baby,” he said and you cried harder than you’d cried in months. Later after you’d slept you felt a little better, “you stopped me earlier from saying something.”

“Because that's not a conversation we can have here,” you gave him a serious look. 

“It was stupid of me to not think of that earlier, I just wanted to say I’m sorry that we didn't have that conversation earlier.” He nuzzled into your neck, “I’m sorry I left you here,” trembling you broke again and the tears started back.

“We’ll have it some day,” he looked terrible, “I’m sorry, I should have never said those things to you. You love me and I love you, more than my own life,” you laid your head on his chest. “Do you want to go back to the suite?”

He shook his head, “That’s not us,” he said stroking your back, “camped out under the stars, that’s us,” he kissed your temple. “That time on Coruscant,” he grinned kissing you again, “that was us but there was an illegal thrill to it.” You smiled sadly.

“You think we’ll ever be those kids again?” You asked.

“I hope so,” he squeezed your arm gently, “One day, when we have our children,” he almost stumbled over the words, “we’ll build our home and be happy with what we can produce ourselves.”

“Good thing you married a farmer,” he chuckled and agreed. “Glad I married a prince,” he laughed even harder.

“Don’t start that prince Ben stuff again, I can't take it.” He smiled brightly.

“Come on, that’s 3PO’s favorite name for you, ‘Little Prince Benny,’” you snickered, “how did he ever get that past your mom?”

“She hated it more than I did,” he laughed harder, “Threepio would have to sneak to call me that, he said everyone should have a sense of propriety. Dad thought it was funnier than when he called mom highness,” he sighed softly. After a few moments of silence he said, “I want to run away to Spira, find an uninhabited island and make love to you on every inch of it.”

“Would you swim with me?” You asked, smiling.

“I’ll do anything you want,” he said. 

You sighed, “I love you Ben.”

“I love you too Y/N,” he said before he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
